THE cellar at Kenna HQ is being soundproofed ‘for footballing reasons’, it was claimed today.
The league chairman was forced to comment after leaked photos emerged of him insulating a confined, windowless crawlspace believed to lie directly underneath the boardroom of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.
Despite the appearance of something more sinister, the chairman was adamant the only motive was to reduce managers’ subscription costs by saving on Kenna HQ energy bills.
The groans having receded after it was pointed out there was already enough hot air in league committee meetings, sceptics were quick condemn the photos as further proof of the Kenna executive’s increasingly hard line measures.
Many believe the Kenna’s manager experiences department, a secretive arm of league apparatus responsible for policing members, is behind the move.
In August 2012, the manager experiences department were believed to be behind the abduction of defender James Collins from his team hotel. The incident led to one manager slamming the Kenna as ‘out of touch blazers’.
Faced with these latest allegations, the chairman maintained the league’s motives were honest.
“I know from the photos it looks like we’re building some sort of Fritzl Suite to help silence dissent from agitators, but that’s simply not the case. As an organisation committed to sustainability we’re simply making our HQ building more energy efficient.
“At the heart of everything we do is making the Kenna the ultimate fantasy, and these renovations are part of that fantasy,” he said over the muffled cries of Titus Bramble.
Cup fixtures announced
The first round of knockout games in the Canesten Combi Cup will take place this weekend.
A total of 16 teams made it out of the group stages in January. They will be drawn in head-to-head ties on tomorrow’s 1750 from Birmingham New Street to Euston.
“It’s the first time the last 16 draw will be made on a moving train, but I must assure managers that we will not be holding back on the traditional glamour associated with the Canesten,” said the chairman, charging up his briefcase with a couple of Jackie Chans.
In the pot
Group A – Judean Peoples’ Front, KS West Green, This is Sparta…Prague, Team Panda Rules OK
Group B – FC Testiculadew, Rapids De Cullons CF, Dynamo Charlton, St Reatham FC
Group C – Headless Chickens, Northern Monkeys, Spartak Mogadishu, Newington Reds
Group D – Hairy Fadjeetas, PSV Mornington, Bala Rinas, Lokomotiv Leeds
Last 16
First leg – Tuesday 5 March
Second leg – Tuesday 18 March
Quarter finals
First leg – Tuesday 25 March
Second leg – Tuesday 1 April
Semi finals
First leg – Tuesday 15 April
Second leg – Tuesday 22 April
Final
Tuesday 13 May
Kenna table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 43 | 3 |
| 2 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 39 | 3 |
| 3 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 35 | 2 |
| 4 | Just put Carles | Carles | 35 | 2 |
| 5 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 34 | 1 |
| 6 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 33 | 1 |
| 7 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 32 | 1 |
| 8 | Young Boys | Denney | 28 | 0 |
| 9 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 27 | 0 |
| 10 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 26 | 2 |
| 11 | Piedmonte | Phil | 26 | 0 |
| 12 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 24 | 1 |
| 13 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 22 | 2 |
| 14 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 22 | 1 |
| 15 | Headless Chickens | John N | 21 | 1 |
| 16 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 20 | 0 |
| 17 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 19 | 0 |
| 18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 18 | 0 |
| 19 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 15 | 1 |
| 20 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 15 | 0 |
| 21 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 14 | 0 |
| 22 | KS West Green | Stix | 8 | 0 |
| 23 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 5 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 15 | Giroud, O – ARS – STR | ||
| Club | Team Panda Rules OK |
