April 2014 – The Jeff Kenna League

Only one Breivik kidney

The Ox and the KS West Green manager — Athletes: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and the KS West Green manager

ROUTS don’t come much more convincing than FC Testiculadew’s league win two seasons ago, but the same manager is poised to scoop another title with ease albeit without making such a mockery of the other competitors.

Goals from Edin Dzeko, Jonjo Shelvey, Mesut Ozil and a brace from Juan Mata have put FC Testiculadew 61 points clear of the nearest challenger with three weeks to go – all but delivering the trophy to the self-confessed Tactical Brambler.

For a while the Piedmonte manager appeared to be making a genuine case for a grandstand finish, but like a Nigerian striker getting in his 4×4 after an ambiguous conversation with a club suit, that looks to have petered out.

Despite also showing strong signs of promise in the manager’s fifth Kenna season, Judean Peoples’ Front failed to live up to the task. Now more than 100 points off the leaders, the Anders Brievik lookalike‘s woes add fuel to the argument that to be truly competitive at this level a manager needs both kidneys.

The organ grinder is still calling the tune for the dancing monkeys battling it out for fourth. The debutant manager of Team Panda Rules OK saw his side come to within two points of the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas. Defending champions Sporting Lesbian also compete.

A remarkable turnaround this season has come from Young Boys of Vauxhall. The manager made eight changes to his struggling side at the February transfer window and this week finds his side climbing one place further from the danger zone.

Taking to social media last week, the Young Boys manager was quick to point out the prolific form of controversial signing Martin ‘the ginned up lollypop lady’ Demichelis in comparison to other more recognised names.

The KS West Green manager was only to happy to remind his midfielder Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain of this little stat when he bumped into him at a charity dinner last night.

@jeffkennaleague The ginned up lolly pop lady has now scored as many EPL goals this season as The Ox, Ashley Young, Cisse, Michu and Caroll

— Andrew Denney (@andenney) April 22, 2014

Kenna table

Kenna week 34 - 29 April 2014 — Kenna week 34 – 29 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	53	5
2	St. Reatham FC	Mike	41	3
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	34	3
4	Team Panda Rules OK	George	33	1
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	0
6	Piedmonte	Phil	28	1
7	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	28	1
8	Young Boys	Denney	27	0
9	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	26	1
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	25	1
11	Headless Chickens	John N	23	1
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	22	2
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	22	1
14	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	22	1
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	20	1
16	KS West Green	Stix	20	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	18	0
18	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	13	0
19	Just put Carles	Carles	11	0
20	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	10	0
21	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	10	0
22	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	6	0
23	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	5	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	15	Wickham, C – SUN – STR
	Club	Unsigned

Belgians broken but Bramble Baron on brink of bumper brace

KEVIN Mirallas and Christian Benteke may be a mini Belgian injury crisis for FC Testiculadew, but the club still moved one step closer to a second Kenna double in three campaigns this week with an assured display.

On his way to the physio’s bench winger Mirallas notched two goals to put the side managed by the founder of tactical Brambling both in the Canesten Combi Cup final and extend their lead over Piedmonte to 36 points.

Hopes of snatching the title at the final fence look even more remote for the Piedmonte manager even though his side put in another solid week led again by Jason Puncheon. If only he’d kept Samir Nasri – the Frenchman picked up a goal and an assist to help Bala Rinas into fourth place.

With just four weeks left of the season and relegation all but rubber stamped for the bottom three clubs, the race for the Wenger Trophy is shaping up to take centre stage in the league’s remaining narrative.

Just 30 points separate the five clubs floating around the final prize spot, and the cast are varied: Sporting Lesbian are defending champions, Team Panda Rules OK debutants and the other three managers are league committee members yet to find silverware in the quagmire of political intrigue at Kenna HQ.

Another subplot is the miraculous cup run of Northern Monkeys. The manager voiced concerns over the ability of Samuel Eto’o and Fabio Borini back in February, but the pair earned the Monkeys a place in the final at the expense of a toothless St Reatham FC.

It seems unlikely the Monkeys’ luck will continue into the pageantry of that May afternoon. With David Silva possibly out injured for the rest of the season, the midfield consists of Antonio Valencia, Stewart Downing and forfeit player Stuart Hazell.

No amount of cash in the attic could buy a goal for that lot.

Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final

Kenna table

Kenna week 33 - 22 April 2014 — Kenna week 33 – 22 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	60	5
2	KS West Green	Stix	48	2
3	Bala Rinas	Lewis	41	2
4	FC Testiculadew	James N	41	2
5	Team Panda Rules OK	George	41	1
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	37	2
7	St. Reatham FC	Mike	35	0
8	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	34	2
9	Just put Carles	Carles	30	2
10	Newington Reds	Dudley	30	2
11	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	30	2
12	Piedmonte	Phil	30	1
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	0
14	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	25	2
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	25	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	23	1
17	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	20	1
18	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	17	0
19	Young Boys	Denney	16	1
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	16	0
21	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	16	0
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	14	0
23	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	13	1
	Points	Player
Player of the week	24	Podolski, L – ARS – STR
	Club	Sporting Lesbian

Death, taxes and one poor transfer decision

Samir Nasri — “What do I think of the Piedmonte manager?” (photo: Rod McLaren)

TITLE races don’t come much more thrilling than this season’s Kenna, but when it’s all over one manager may look back on a transfer window with severe regret.

The Piedmonte manager has his best chance of winning the league since its origins in 2005. It would be quite an itch to scratch considering he was among the eight pioneers of the Kenna that fateful night in The Old Bank of England.

As this season rolls into the final five weeks, Piedmonte find themselves just 25 points behind flash new boys FC Testiculadew. Dismissing a potentially catastrophic oversight by league organisers, one manager will be spraying champagne onto the bare breasts of high-class escort girls while the other will be throwing up a bellyful of Frosty Jacks in the park, along with the rest of the league.

If the Piedmonte manager finds himself waking up in his own vomit, as he has eight times before, the sale of Samir Nasri at the second transfer window will be a source of tortuous despair.

Eyebrows were raised that night in The Enterprise when the silky-skilled Frenchman found himself back on the market and snapped up for £2m by Bala Rinas.

Now Piedmonte find themselves so close to missing out, the manager is introspectively taking to social media:

@jeffkennaleague I’m sure if I hadn’t done any transfers at all this season I’d be top of the league. Got rid of Adebayor & Nasri! #kenna

— Phil Davis (@PhillyD55) April 7, 2014

He’s wrong. The fact is that if he’d made no transfers he wouldn’t be top of the league, but his team would have scored more goals (see below).

No one could criticise the Piedmonte manager for releasing Emmanuel Adebayor at the October window. The Togolese didn’t score a single point in those first six weeks, and looked to be having another season the elephant would sooner forget.

His replacement Jonathan Walters used to be one of those bargain Kenna bankers, but he’s had a torrid time of late and in 13 weeks for Piedmonte scored at less than two points a week, notching just two goals in the process.

‘The Pies’ replaced him with Peter Odemwingie, a huge gamble considering the Nigerian’s troubles, but he’s gone on to score a whopping 44 points in the last 10 weeks.

So no strikers sleeping in the car park – it’s in midfield where the manager has come unstuck.

A handful of good games, including one for England, meant Andros Townsend was so universally fashionable earlier this season he was even talked about in space.

But since joining Piedmonte, Townsend has clocked up a miserable 1.4 points a week. In the same time Samir Nasri has been going at an astronomic rate of 4.9.

Even more confounding for the Pies managers is that while Nasri’s purple patch has come since he left the club, he was already scoring at a very respectable 4.26 points, and if he’d kept the Frenchman he would be 20 points above FCT and have scored two more goals.

That’s going to haunt the Piedmonte manager if he misses out in yet another season.

Piedmonte scoring

Current total: 990 points, 43 goals

Starting XI total: 983 points, 49 goals

If he’d kept Nasri: 1,025 points, 47 goals

Piedmonte average points scored a week – individual

Krul – 2.47

Ben Davies – 2.34

Hangeland – 1.44

Phil Jones – 1.47

Jags – 2.66

Stevie G – 5.09

Noble – 3.09

Puncheon – 3.19

Nasri – 4.26 for Pies, 4.56 for the season / Townsend – 1.4 for Pies, 2.41 for the season

Long – 2.81

Adebayor – 0 for Pies, 3.06 for the season / J Walters – 2.77 for Pies, 2.41 for the season / Odemwingie – 4.4 for Pies,

Kenna HQ in tie-break farce

BLUNDERING blazers at Kenna HQ are desperately scrabbling to find a tie-break solution after chances mounted this week that the top two clubs could end the season on the same points and goals.

Another notch from in-form Jason Puncheon and an assist from Steve Gerrard helped Piedmonte close the gap on league leaders FC Testiculadew to just 25 points. With five weeks left of the campaign only two goals scored separates the sides.

What’s now being billed as the closest Kenna title race ever could turn into a shambles as bungling officials at league headquarters admitted there was no contingency plan should two sides end level on points and goals scored.

An extraordinary committee meeting was convoked earlier today to discuss a solution.

Leaked minutes revealed the Kenna executive is considering a number of tie-break options, which include going down to points scored in the final week, ranking the teams on the number of clean sheets kept or declaring the 10-month competition a draw.

One committee member even suggested managers sending in a one-minute video plea for the championship so the rest of the league could vote on the most deserving.

The news will be of severe concern to both the Piedmonte and FCT managers, the former hoping for his first title in nine years of trying and the latter in the hunt for an unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double.

Should the FCT manager win the league outright, he could rue his team’s Canesten Combi Cup semi-final performance this weekend. The former cup winners failed to register an away goal in their sibling derby with Headless Chickens.

In the other semi, Northern Monkeys took a two-goal lead over St Reatham FC thanks to Per Mertesacker and David Silva.

The second leg will take place this weekend.

Canesten Combi Cup semi-final first leg results

Northern Monkeys 2 – 0 St Reatham FC

Headless Chickens 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

Kenna table

Kenna week 32 - 15 April 2014 — Kenna week 32 – 15 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Team Panda Rules OK	George	32	1
2	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	29	1
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	26	0
4	Piedmonte	Phil	25	1
5	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	0
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	0
7	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	24	0
8	KS West Green	Stix	23	0
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	22	2
10	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	20	1
11	St. Reatham FC	Mike	20	0
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	1
13	Just put Carles	Carles	18	0
14	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	17	1
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	17	0
16	Young Boys	Denney	16	0
17	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	15	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	14	0
19	FC Testiculadew	James N	13	0
20	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	11	1
21	Headless Chickens	John N	11	0
22	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	7	0
23	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	5	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	12	Fabianski, L – ARS – GK
	Club	Unsigned

Stewart Downing leaves managers frowning

POOR Stewart Downing.

His only crime was to have a left foot and enough talent to get him into the top flight of domestic football.

Yet coming of age at a time when the English public were dreaming of a world class left winger to solve all the problems of the national side, his inferiority to the likes of a Ryan Giggs, a Leo Messi or even a Diego Maradonna, has brought Stewart into the firing line for much criticism over matters completely out of his control.

All of which means that while Kenna managers may appreciate Downing is a regular starter, they are also quick to blame him when things aren’t going well.

His demeanour doesn’t help. Constantly looking like a small boy at an information desk awkwardly hearing his own name being read out over the shopping centre tannoy and dreading the moment his relieved mother makes a tearful reunion now the school bully has clocked him while out for a spot of shoplifting, Stewart’s expression appears to invite contempt.

This season Downing is the only player to appear for three different Kenna teams, having found himself released at both transfer windows.

Bought for £9.5m by Judean Peoples’ Front at the August auction, the winger overcame injury and settling in to West Ham to only score at an average of 1.33 points a week. Downing found himself released at the October transfer window.

The Newington Reds manager snaffled Downing for half a million pounds and throughout autumn, Christmas and January he scored at a very creditable three points a week. League leaders FC Testiculadew have seen their players score at 2.9 points a week on average this campaign.

A Liverpool fan, perhaps it was the Newington Reds manager’s memory of that season of no goals and no assists, but he saw fit to jettison Downing at the February window.

Northern Monkeys picked up the winger for the nominal £0.5m, and have seen him continue that form to score at 2.67 points a week.

What was the Reds manager’s midfield doing while his former player was helping Monkeys to the Canesten Combi Cup semi final?

Assembled for £13m at that raucous night in The Enterprise, the trio of Nathan Redmond, Adnan Januzaj and Oussama Assiadi have scored just two more points between them than Downing.

“The nine-year trophy hunt for Reds continues,” said the chairman, his PhD in hindsight neatly framed on his Kenna HQ office wall.

Stewart Downing’s season

Judean Peoples’ Front – £9.5m – six weeks / eight points – 1.33 point a week

Newington Reds – £0.5m – 13 weeks / 39 points – 3 points a week

Northern Monkeys – £0.5m – nine weeks / 24 points – 2.67 points a week

Newington Reds replacement midfield:

Redmond – £0.5m – 12 points

Januzaj – £12m – 11 points

Assaidi – £0.5m – 3 points

Table top heavyweights Puncheon it out

Jason Puncheon corner — He shits when he wants: Jason Puncheon’s two goals and assist kept Piedmonte in the Kenna title race (photo courtesy of Paul Wright)

BREATHLESS attacking football from two teams challenging for the Kenna title lit up the league with six weeks left of the season.

FC Testiculadew may have extended their lead by two points at the top with goals from Juan Mata and Edin Dzeko, but led by Jason Puncheon’s player-of-the-week performance and a double strike from Stevie G, Piedmonte refused to let up.

In the tightest Kenna since Vasco De Beauvoir pipped Insomnia’s Titans in 2010, FCT and the Pies find themselves like two sluggers in the ring Puncheon it out, which makes a refreshing change from the midfielder’s reputation for Puncheon one off mid match.

Whether either side can maintain this scintillating offensive play for the rest of the title race is uncertain. FCT have lost striker Christian Benteke for the rest of the season through injury and the imminent return of KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero could mean demotion to the bench for Dzeko.

From the Piedmonte perspective, it would take a Herculean effort from their ragtag bunch of misfits to overhaul a 47-point gap in the handful of games left.

What is clear is that Judean Peoples’ Front have dropped out of the race, their chances of competing stretchered off along with Jay Rodriguez on Saturday afternoon.

Looking ahead to the weekend, FCT are still in the hunt for a Kenna double. They take on Headless Chickens in a semi final first leg sibling derby.

Last year’s bottom-placed manager, now in charge of St Reatham FC, appears to have overcome the anxiety that led to a dark spring night on Chobham Common and will battle it out with Northern Monkeys in the other tie.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dbbd2KEINVQ]

Kenna table

Kenna week 31 - 8 April 2014 — Kenna week 31 – 8 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	49	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	47	4
3	Headless Chickens	John N	37	2
4	Just put Carles	Carles	36	1
5	Young Boys	Denney	35	2
6	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	32	1
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	2
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	27	2
9	Newington Reds	Dudley	24	1
10	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	21	0
11	St. Reatham FC	Mike	21	0
12	Team Panda Rules OK	George	20	0
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	1
14	KS West Green	Stix	19	0
15	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	19	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	15	0
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	11	1
19	PSV Mornington	El Pons	10	0
20	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	9	0
21	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	8	0
22	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	6	0
23	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	5	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	15	Puncheon, J – CRY – MID
	Club	Piedmonte

Demichelis not such bad Kompany

Martin Demichelis caricature — Ray of sunshine: Martin Demichelis has been the one positive of Young Boys of Vauxhall’s season (photo: Gonza Rodriguez)

HUNDREDS of column inches have been dedicated to the shortcomings of Argentine defender Martin Demichelis this season and in the most part for good reason.

The pony-tailed centre back appears most at home lumbering around just outside his own 18-yard line with all the agility of a ginned-up lollipop lady, desperately trying to keep up with his sleeker teammates.

Up against the cream of European talent, Demichelis’ height, chunky bearing and lantern jaw make him look less a professional footballer and more like he should be wearing a leather jacket and fencing stolen goods from a rusty van outside the back of a pub glued to At The Races all Tuesday afternoon.

But one Kenna manager has found that at the domestic level, Demichelis is statistically delivering more than well-respected ‘top top player’ Vincent Kompany.

Guffaws rang around the upstairs bar of The Three Stags in Kennington in early October, when the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager took what was considered to be the outlandish decision to jettison Kompany at the first transfer window and sign the bungling Argentine.

In the face of much criticism, Young Boys vehemently defended the move at the time. Selling Kompany to St Reatham FC for £5m and picking up Demichelis on the open market for a token point five, the Welshman trousered £4.5m, he argued.

The Young Boys manager was also keen to point out that Kompany was recently injured. No one thought it so serious at the time, but the Belgian didn’t play again until the New Year.

Up until that afternoon south of the river, Demichelis was picking up a measly 1.25 points a week. The Belgian was making hay at 3.76.

Since that window the Argentine has gone on to score at a very creditable average of 3.12 points a week, while Kompany has contributed less than two-and-a-half.

In hindsight, the whole affair was a masterstroke for the Young Boys manager.

Of course, in all other respects the Young Boys season has been an utter disaster. At the same transfer window the manager turned a profit on Kompany he ended up Brambling himself and found Operation Yewtree suspect Rolf Harris starting in his midfield as forfeit. At the second window in February his frenzy of eight transfers descended into Tinkerman farce.

The St Reatham manager, on the other hand, finds his team safely ensconced in midtable and in the semi finals of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Despite his failure in all other respects, the Young Boys manager has successfully underlined two recurring themes to emerge from any statistical analysis of the Kenna – due to the scoring system a defender is only as good or bad as the team he’s in and never sign players based on who you like.

In the first eight weeks of the season

Demichelis scored 1.25 points per week

Kompany scored 3.76 points per week

In the 25 weeks since the October transfer window

Demichelis started on 10 points now has 88 (3.12 points per week)

Kompany started on 27 points now has 89 (2.48 points per week)

Second double no laughing matter

Ming the Merciless — Fools: Managers are being shown up as a bunch of jokers by an FC Testiculadew manager building his empire (photo courtesy of xndrnz)

WAY past midday on 1 April the FC Testiculadew manager is still making fools of the rest of the Kenna League.

Cup results - 1 April 2014 — Canesten Combi Cup quarter final results – 1 April 2014

Goals from Kevin Mirallas, Juan Mata and a brace from Edin Dzeko saw the sinister, handwringing cackle of the Bramble Baron move one step closer to an unprecedented second Kenna double.

Sweeping aside bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington 5-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup quarter final, the FCT manager has set up a juicy semi final against his sibling at Headless Chickens. The tie is a replay of the May 2012 final FCT won to claim the league and cup double.

Despite a midfield boasting convicted child murderer Stuart Hazell, Northern Monkeys clinched their tie to set up a semi final with St Reatham FC. Kenna HQ detractors will be pleased to see them move ahead at the expense of two committee members.

The free-scoring form of Peter Odemwingie means second-placed Piedmonte are still in with an outside chance of challenging for the title, but with seven weeks left in the season the trophyless manager is fast running out of time.

The door is slightly ajar for Judean Peoples’ Front too. The Anders Breivik lookalike manager’s team stayed in the race with a double from Jay Rodriguez.

The rest of the league’s top half can only hope to secure the Wenger Trophy.

Meanwhile, it looks like the writing’s on the wall for Spartak Mogadishu, Dulwich Red Sox and PSV Mornington – Pussy Riot to the FCT manager’s Vladimir Putin.

Kenna table

Kenna week 30 - 1 April 2014 — Kenna week 30 – 1 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Just put Carles	Carles	53	2
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	53	2
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	52	2
4	St. Reatham FC	Mike	50	2
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	48	4
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	44	1
7	Team Panda Rules OK	George	44	1
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	42	2
9	Piedmonte	Phil	41	3
10	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	39	4
11	Headless Chickens	John N	34	1
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	32	0
13	KS West Green	Stix	29	0
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	28	2
15	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	27	3
16	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	27	1
17	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	27	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	0
19	Young Boys	Denney	26	0
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	2
21	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	1
22	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	21	1
23	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	14	1
	Points	Player
Player of the week	17	Dzeko, E – MCY – STR
	Club	FC Testiculadew