TURKISH convenience stores seldom come less complete than the premises around the corner from Kenna HQ.
Marathon opening hours, ready access to tonic water and fresh limes, and a proprietor always up for a discussion on the latest developments at Galatasaray mean the chairman is often found locked in conversation over a can of Coke, litre of Delmonte orange juice or 10 Camel Lights.
During one particularly lengthy debate on the decline of Wesley Sneijder while buying a 750ml bottle of Leffe Brune, it emerged the shop’s cash cow is beer, a large array of which dominates one refrigerated wall.
What has this to do with the Kenna title race? There are two parallels.
First, much like Gala in the Turkish Super Lig, Piedmonte find themselves well and truly beaten into second place this week. Two goals from Edin Dzeko have put FC Testiculadew well in control of the Kenna: 53 points ahead with 10 days to go.
It would take hat-tricks from Shane Long, Peter Odemwingie, Mark Noble, Jason Puncheon and no more slip ups from Steve Gerrard this Sunday to get Pies back in contention. A remote scenario considering the second parallel.
Tweeting a photo of two cans of Polish beer about to be consumed in public can only confirm the Piedmonte boss has lost interest in his side’s pursuit of the Kenna title and has turned into the average customer of the International Food Centre.
Gotta love an 8.30am train to Oldham! C’mon You Pies! @Official_NCFC #stayingup #ShaunDerrysBlackAndWhiteArmy pic.twitter.com/XV71tbKNLl
— Phil Davis (@PhillyD55) May 3, 2014
It’s only a matter of time before he’s sitting on a park bench in an obscure replica football shirt, fiercely telling anyone who’ll listen about the two times he almost won the Kenna, while seamlessly inserting the word ‘kurwa’ three times into each sentence without breaking syntax (see demonstration below).
Looking ahead to this weekend, the FC Testiculadew manager has the chance to scoop his second double in three seasons as his team face Northern Monkeys in the Canesten Combi Cup final.
Considering FCT have scored 2.83 goals a week for the last six and Northern Monkeys just 1.16, the bookies are favouring the Tactical Brambler.
Should the tie be a draw, the final will be decided on number of points scored.
In the unlikely event the two sides are equal on goals and points, a tie breaker will be played over the last weekend of the season, on goals then points.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 38 | 2 |
| 2 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 38 | 1 |
| 3 | Piedmonte | Phil | 36 | 1 |
| 4 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 32 | 2 |
| 5 | Just put Carles | Carles | 30 | 2 |
| 6 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 28 | 2 |
| 7 | Headless Chickens | John N | 28 | 0 |
| 8 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 27 | 1 |
| 9 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 26 | 2 |
| 10 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 22 | 1 |
| 11 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 22 | 1 |
| 12 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 22 | 0 |
| 13 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 20 | 1 |
| 14 | KS West Green | Stix | 19 | 1 |
| 15 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 19 | 0 |
| 16 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 19 | 0 |
| 17 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 18 | 1 |
| 18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 17 | 0 |
| 19 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 17 | 0 |
| 20 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 13 | 0 |
| 21 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 13 | 0 |
| 22 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 11 | 1 |
| 23 | Young Boys | Denney | 10 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 12 | Weimann, A – AVL – STR | ||
| Club | Unsigned |
