KENNA League blazers have admitted they didn’t know who Marvin Sordell was after it emerged the striker had not been scoring points for two months.
Until today no one at Kenna HQ noticed Sordell’s one start and three substitute appearances failed to contribute to the title efforts of St Reatham FC.
A leaked email from the charts and graphs department in response to an enquiry about the oversight read: “Sordell was down as a Leicester player, not sure why, probably because I don’t know who he is.”
Murmurs among managers in the league maintain Marvin Sordell was overlooked because his underwhelming performances and suggestive name make him sound less like a footballer and more like an adult film actor. Peter Ndlovu or Rod Fanni are two other such phenomenons.
Despite his lack of goals and perceived inclination to whip it out at the first sniff of innuendo, Sordell’s efforts have still seen St Reatham FC climb up on top of Cowley Casuals to third place in the table.
The St Reatham FC manager was unavailable for comment, but sources at the club say he’s welcomed the Sordell oversight in light of his continued efforts to avoid questioning from Surrey Police.
Having fled the to Switzerland in the aftermath of the brutal murder of a female Sky Sports News presenter on Chobham Common, the St Reatham boss is keeping a low profile for fear a semen test could link him to the crime scene.
Sordell wasn’t needed for St Reatham to win their group C – or pool C, depending on who you talk to at Kenna HQ – match in the opening round of the season’s Canesten Combi Cup competition this weekend. A Juan Mata notch was enough to overcome a goalless, and bottom of the table, Fat Ladies.
Pikey Scum featured in the cup’s biggest whooping so far, pulling down the pants of Still Don’t Know Yet 3-0.
Kevin Mirallas and the Scum strike partnership – known as ‘Costa del Crouch’ – all found the net.
Full results available in The Rub.
Cup results
| 16-Dec-14 | Sporting Lesbian | 0 | 0 | Dynamo Charlton |
| 16-Dec-14 | Young Boys | 0 | 0 | Judean Peoples’ Front |
| 16-Dec-14 | Bala Rinas | 1 | 0 | Just Put Carles |
| 16-Dec-14 | KS West Green | 0 | 2 | Team Panda Rules OK |
| 16-Dec-14 | Cowley Casuals | 0 | 0 | Hoxton Pirates |
| 16-Dec-14 | Pikey Scum | 3 | 0 | Still Don’t Know Yet |
| 16-Dec-14 | St Reatham FC | 1 | 0 | Fat Ladies |
| 16-Dec-14 | Lokomotiv Leeds | 2 | 0 | FC Testiculadew |
Kenna League table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 37 | 2 |
| 2 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 35 | 3 |
| 3 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 33 | 2 |
| 4 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 32 | 0 |
| 5 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 31 | 2 |
| 6 | St Reatham FC | Mike | 25 | 1 |
| 7 | Judean People’s Front | Sholto | 25 | 0 |
| 8 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 24 | 1 |
| 9 | Headless Chickens | John N | 23 | 2 |
| 10 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 23 | 2 |
| 11 | Cowley Casuals | Stu | 23 | 0 |
| 12 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 22 | 0 |
| 13 | KS West Green | Stix | 19 | 0 |
| 14 | Fat Ladies | Ted | 17 | 0 |
| 15 | Walthamstow Reds | Dudley | 15 | 1 |
| 16 | Piedmonte | Phil | 14 | 0 |
| 17 | Young Boys | Denney | 13 | 0 |
| 18 | Just Put Carles | Carles | 10 | 0 |
| 19 | FC Tescticuladew | James N | 7 | 0 |
| 20 | Hoxton Pirates | Abdi | 4 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 12 | Cazorla, S – ARS – MID | ||
| Club | Headless Chickens |
