Year: 2014

Newington Reds suspend Dani Osvaldo after ‘training-ground incident’

Samurai
Samurai: Dani Osvaldo in a Newington Reds training session last week

NEWINGTON Reds have suspended their striker Dani Osvaldo for two weeks following an unspecified training-ground incident, the Kenna League club have announced.

Newington Reds have said that the striker’s behaviour fell below the standards they expect of their players but have said that they will make no further comment on the matter.

“Newington Reds Football Club has today suspended striker Dani Osvaldo for two weeks, following an incident at the club’s Mildmay Grove training ground,” read a statement.

“The club has taken swift and proper action for what it considers a breach of the conduct expected of its players. Southampton will be making no further comment on this matter.”

Osvaldo was suspended for three matches in January and hit with a £40,000 fine for his part in a touchline confrontation in December during Newington Reds’ Canesten Combi Cup match with Sporting Lesbian.

The striker has a reputation for causing trouble and has twice been in trouble for punching team-mates. At Bologna he hit Nicola Mingazzini in a pre-season training session and, three years ago, he was fined and suspended for punching his then Roma colleague Erik Lamela, now at Pikey Scum, reportedly for refusing to pass to him.

“He has a reputation, a beard and a samurai topknot so I think these rumours about bringing a sword to training are true, or I at least I hope they are,” speculated the Kenna League chairman.

With just two goals since being signed by the Reds manager for £1.5m in the Kenna October transfer window, Osvaldo looks likely to be released by the club at the season’s second and final window on 7 February.

Finding a replacement may be tricky for the Reds. The record number of teams in the Kenna this season means a shortage of striking talent – Gary Hooper, Marouane Chamakh and Jozy Altidore head the list of available front men.

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‘Kenna DVDs’ turn up in phone-hacking trial

Jenna Jameson
Former glories: A Jenna Jameson film is at the centre of a Kenna controversy involving former league winner the Young Boys manager and the phone-hacking trial (photo courtesy of worldstreetphotos.com)

SECRET videos belonging to football clubs in the Kenna League have turned up into the phone-hacking trial at the Old Bailey, it has been claimed.

Amongst the contents of a bag alleged by the prosecution to have been hidden by Rebekah Brooks’s husband the day she was arrested, investigators unearthed several adult DVDs including the title Where the Boys aren’t 17.

The manager of Kenna League club Young Boys of Vauxhall says the film contains through-the-keyhole recordings of his side’s top secret training sessions.

The Welshman claims the illicit content has compromised his team’s competitiveness this season.

Disgruntled supporters’ groups have pointed out the Young Boys manager’s outburst is merely a smokescreen to deflect attention away from the club’s appalling league form and failure to progress from the Canesten Combi Cup group stages this week.

They also claim the film has nothing to do with Young Boys and is actually a romp starring ‘The Queen of Porn’ Jenna Jameson on a plane full of lesbians.

The Sporting Lesbian manager, another Canesten Combi Cup group C side eliminated from the tournament, is also said to have mobilised club lawyers after two other lesbian films were found in Charlie Brooks’s bag: Lesbian Psychodrama Volume 2 and Lesbian Psychodrama Volume 3.

Media commentators maintain such a link between the high-profile criminal case and London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league is whimsical at best.

Meanwhile, the PSV Mornington renaissance continued this week under their maverick new manager, a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.

Santi Cazorla scored two goals for PSV to both ensure their progress out of group D of the Canesten Combi Cup and cut the gap on fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu and the aforementioned Young Boys.

Known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ to wags at the club, the caretaker manager was given the job permanently last week after turning around their fortunes in the league and cup.

The former PSV manager was sacked before Christmas for overseeing five of the worst months of performances in Kenna history.

The last 16 draw for the Canesten Combi Cup will take place at the season’s second transfer window two weeks on Friday.

Managers have until noon on Wednesday 5 February to submit their unwanted players to Kenna HQ. Two days later an auction will be held at The Enterprise in Holborn where managers can fill the gaps in their team with available players and the gaps in their stomach by several glasses of premium lager.

Cup group stage results

Cup group stage final standings January 2014
Cup group stage final standings January 2014

Kenna table

Kenna table week 20 - 21 January 2014
Kenna table week 20 – 21 January 2014

Weekly scores

    Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 46 5
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 43 2
3 Pikey Scum Jack 40 1
4 Team Panda Rules OK George 39 2
5 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 37 1
6 Northern Monkeys Hugo  36 4
7 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 34 2
8 Headless Chickens John N 34 1
9 Piedmonte Phil 32 2
10 KS West Green Stix 30 2
11 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 29 3
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 26 2
13 Just put Carles Carles 24 0
14 St. Reatham FC Mike  23 0
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 22 2
16 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 22 1
17 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 22 0
18 Newington Reds Dudley 19 1
19 Bala Rinas Lewis 18 0
20 Dynamo Charlton Alex 16 1
21 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 13 0
22 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 12 0
23 Young Boys Denney 9 0
         
    Points Player  
  Player of the week 22 Dzeko, E – MCY – STR  
    Club FC Testiculadew  
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Pep ‘Cardiola’ given permanent PSV job

Pep Guardiola Roman Abramovich
Stiff competition: PSV Mornington beat off interest from other clubs to sign Guardiola on a permanent basis today (photo courtesy of Paddy Power)

A CARDBOARD cut out of Pep Guardiola has been made the permanent manager of Kenna strugglers PSV Mornington.

Since taking the helm as caretaker just before Christmas, the former assistant – known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ by more wacky fans – has overseen two goals from Fernando Torres and one from Santi Cazorla, almost doubling the team’s five-month goal tally in just three weeks.

There were raised eyebrows at a PSV Mornington press conference this morning, when the club unveiled the new manager by placing the cardboard cut out in front of assembled journalists.

Cardiola remained tight lipped about his plans to escape relegation. The PSV press officer assured everyone the manager was playing his cards close to his chest ahead of the upcoming Kenna transfer window, due to take place in the pub after work on Friday 7 February.

Sacked in December after the most dismal start to a campaign in Kenna history, the full extent of the former PSV Mornington manager’s ineptitude was laid bare today when the league published it’s traditional mid-season review: Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart.

In the first five months of the campaign, the hapless former manager received four turkey of the month awards, just one short of the most earned in a whole season by the Fat Ladies manager in 2009/10.

For the first time since that season three years ago, the manager of the month awards have been shared by five different managers, reflecting the fierce competition for the top spot this term.

Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

Kenna performance chart January 2014
Kenna performance chart August to December 2014

Kenna table

Kenna League week 19 - 14 January 2014
Kenna League week 19 – 14 January 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 41 3
2 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 35 3
3 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 34 3
4 Piedmonte Phil 32 3
5 Newington Reds Dudley 32 0
6 Young Boys Denney 29 0
7 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 27 3
8 KS West Green Stix 24 1
9 Headless Chickens John N 24 0
10 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 22 0
11 Bala Rinas Lewis 21 1
12 Team Panda Rules OK George 21 1
13 Just put Carles Carles 21 0
14 Northern Monkeys Hugo 20 1
15 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 20 1
16 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 20 1
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 19 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 19 0
19 St. Reatham FC Mike 18 0
20 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 17 1
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 1
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 13 0
23 Pikey Scum Jack 11 1
Points Player
Player of the week 19 Johnson, A – SUN – MID
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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KS West Green ‘release Bryan’

Life of Brian
‘Welease Bwyan’: Ruiz has scored just once this season (photo courtesy of Spiderpudel)

FOWARD Bryan Ruiz has been told he can leave Klub Sportowy West Green.

The Costa Rica international, 28, was signed by the club for £14m in the Kenna pre-season auction in August 2013.

But Ruiz has scored only once this season and has started only eight games for the mid-table side.

“We have allowed Bryan Ruiz to talk to a number of clubs to see if something can come out of that,” said the KS West Green manager, who’s also chairman of the Kenna League .

“I wouldn’t call his signing a mistake, well actually it was a mistake because I’d signed Brede Hangeland for £15m earlier in the auction and under the Titus Bramble ruling I had to forfeit the most expensive of the two for a bogey player, leaving me with Ruiz and some unknown youth teamer called Jordi Spence.

“Don’t get me wrong, Ruiz is a very good player. He has a World Cup coming up and he obviously needs to play, but at this point in our campaign I must release Bryan.”

Ruiz’s Costa Rica will face England in the group stages in Brazil this summer. The prospect of soft goals will make him a likely target for managers competing in the Kenna’s World Cup auction.

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Just Put Carles’ Chris Smalling sorry for ‘suicide bomber’ outfit

Chris Smalling Jagerbomber
Publicity suicide: Jagerbombs are so 2013

JUST Put Carles defender Chris Smalling has apologised for an “insensitive decision” after appearing to attend a fancy dress party as a suicide bomber.

A photograph of Smalling in his fancy dress, which his management company said was taken at a private party in his home, was on the front page of Thursday’s editions of the Sun.

It shows the Just Put Carles player with items looking like a mock circuit board and mobile phone around his chest, and cables leading up his body. Also on his body are bottles of Jagermeister and cans of Red Bull, while he is also wearing an Arab kaffiyeh head dress.

Smalling’s management group, who gave the story even more legs in the media by releasing a statement, said the outfit was an elaborate pun on the popular ‘Jagerbomb’ which is a blend of those two drinks, and a popular tipple at Kenna League transfer windows.

“Chris and his girlfriend hosted a fancy dress party to celebrate Christmas and their belated birthdays with close friends in the assumed privacy of his own home,” Wasserman Media Group said in a statement. “He dressed in a costume consisting of empty bottles of Jagermesiter and cans of Red Bull strapped to his chest in an attempted comedy play on the popular ‘Jagerbomb drink’.

“Although he fully accepts in hindsight it was an ill-thought out and insensitive decision, absolutely no harm was intended whatsoever and he apologises for any offence caused.”

The Just Put Carles manager said: “The photo has come as a bombshell to our preparations for the final Canesten Combi Cup group stage fixture next weekend, but I would say the media coverage has the whole incident blown up out of all proportion.”

Costing Just Put Carles £1m at the Kenna auction in August, Smalling is having a below-average season at the club, who dangle just one place above the relegation zone.

Speaking to assembled journalists outside Kenna HQ at lunchtime, the league chairman said: “Jagerbomb? Well it’s a bit early in the day but I suppose you only live once.”

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Dynamo dealt Walcott injury blow

Theo Walcott on holiday
On the beach: Dynamo Charlton’s Theo Walcott looks set to miss the rest of the season and the World Cup (photo courtesy of Oliver Sparrow)

DYNAMO Charlton look set for a third season of trophyless woe after star midfielder Theo Walcott was ruled out with injury for six months.

Walcott scored in the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup group stage before being stretchered off with an ‘anterior cruciate ligament of his left knee’, according to club quacks.

The Dynamo Charlton manager took to Twitter yesterday to vent his frustrations. He can only look forward to next month’s Kenna transfer window to freshen up the side, although his decision to sign Scott Sinclair and Peter Odemwingie in the October window has become the cause of some unrest among fans.

The lone Walcott goal wasn’t enough for Dynamo as they lost by two to in-form St Reatham FC, Gaston Ramirez and Mohamed Diame finding the net.

Seven sides qualified for the knockout stages of the Canesten Combi Cup with a game to go.

Mathematically, every team can still progress in the tournament except Pikey Scum, whose single point saves them from the total ignominy suffered by Bala Rinas 12 months ago.

Outside the club’s Caravan Park training facility, a downcast Pikey Scum manager said yesterday: “One point from four games is shameful. I think the most I can hope for is sneaking a Manager of the Month award and getting reduced entry to the World Cup. I think even that is hopeful.”

Piedmonte, who have to beat PSV Mornington by at least eight goals in the last game to go through, are likely to follow Pikey Scum out of the cup.

It’s been a tough week for the Piedmonte manager. Having topped the table before Christmas, the club slipped to fourth place in the league. Can he stem the decline?

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings

Cup groups - 7 January 2014
Cup groups – 7 January 2014

Cup fixtures

21-Jan-14 Team Panda Rules OK v Dulwich Red Sox
21-Jan-14 Still Don’t Know Yet v Judean Peoples Front
21-Jan-14 KS West Green v This is Sparta…Prague
21-Jan-14 Just put Carles v Dynamo Charlton
21-Jan-14 Pikey Scum v Rapids De Cullons CF
21-Jan-14 FC Testiculadew v St. Reatham FC
21-Jan-14 Spartak Mogadishu v Newington Reds
21-Jan-14 Northern Monkeys v Young Boys
21-Jan-14 Headless Chickens v Sporting Lesbian
21-Jan-14 PSV Mornington v Piedmonte
21-Jan-14 Bala Rinas v Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 18 - 7 January 2014
Kenna week 18 – 7 January 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 58 5
2 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 55 5
3 Headless Chickens John N 55 3
4 Bala Rinas Lewis 55 2
5 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 53 3
6 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 52 4
7 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 49 1
8 St. Reatham FC Mike 47 1
9 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 45 2
10 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 41 2
11 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 41 2
12 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 35 1
13 Newington Reds Dudley 35 0
14 Pikey Scum Jack 33 1
15 Northern Monkeys Hugo 31 0
16 Dynamo Charlton Alex 30 2
17 KS West Green Stix 28 1
18 PSV Mornington El Pons 27 2
19 Just put Carles Carles 27 1
20 FC Testiculadew James N 26 0
21 Young Boys Denney 25 0
22 Team Panda Rules OK George 23 2
23 Piedmonte Phil 21 1
Points Player
Player of the week 19 Bony, W – SWA – STR
Club Lokomotiv Leeds
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