Year: 2015

THE Kenna chairman has stepped up his personal security detail after setting managers the challenge of sending him the best death threat.

A missive from Kenna HQ was sent to managers this week reminding them the second transfer window will take place on Friday 5 February and asking them to send in their players to be released ‘in the form of a death threat…in order to claim the £10m transfer bonus’.

‘Merit will be awarded for creativity and menace,’ read the communique. ‘The best death threats will be featured on the blog.’

Over the last few seasons it has become traditional for managers to make their transfer submissions by post to Kenna HQ to claim a £10m boost to their war chests for the window.

Some managers struggled to comprehend the curious new instruction. The boss of league leaders Young Boys immediately replied to ask ‘is there an added bonus if any of us actually kill you?’

There were big shifts in the league this week. More mesmerising movement from Mesut Oezil saw Walthamstow Reds move up to second in the table at the expense of the treasurer’s side Bala Rinas. It was welcome a outcome for the overexposed Reds manager.

At the other end of the league, a performance of the week from Marko Arnautovic helped ISIL move from the bottom of the table.

ISIL’s Somali manager was moved to make the most phonetically-challenged tweet of 2015.

@Br15land @jeffkennaleague @andenney is Arnoughtavic just a poor man’s zlatan. Discuss…

— abdi (@abdinw1) December 26, 2015

The Austrian winger is rumoured to have already registered the trademark ‘R-0’.

Kenna table – week 18

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	71	3
2	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	64	2
3	Cowley Casuals	Stu	63	2
4	FC Tescticuladew	James N	56	1
5	Team Panda	George	56	0
6	Headless Chickens	John N	55	3
7	Newington Reds	Ben D	54	2
8	Young Boys	Andrew D	51	2
9	KS West Green	Stix	51	1
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	49	1
11	Pikey Scum	Jack	48	3
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	44	2
13	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	44	2
14	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	43	1
15	ISIL	Abdi	38	2
16	Thieving Magpies	Phil	38	0
17	Bala Rinas	Lewis	35	0
18	Carles	Carles	33	2
19	Uncertain	Pete B	18	0
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Arnautovic, M – STO – MID
		Club	ISIL

A KENNA League manager has been exposed trying to avoid the media spotlight for fear it would bring an end to his team’s run of form.

Walthamstow Reds are one of the few sides to climb the league since the October transfer window, where the manager made five new signings.

Over the last few weeks the Reds have gone from sixth to third place in the league and are second in Narcozep Cup group B after just one game, but the manager has been keen to keep a low profile.

In a leaked communique to Kenna HQ he said: “Have been desperately hoping that you continue to not write about me and that my creep up the table since the transfer window continues to go unnoticed.”

Unfortunately for the Reds, the manager’s plan went awry this week when he was spotted by a police patrol trying to escape the glare of top-flight football in an E17 alleyway in a hat, dark glasses, trench coat and upturned collar.

The Reds manager tried to explain his suspicious behaviour, saying it was nothing to do with the proximity of a local primary school but the promise of a maiden Kenna title. Waltham Forest’s finest were not convinced.

Desperate to prove his innocence, the manager went on to tell stoney-faced constables of Kasper Schmiechel clean sheets, Glenn Murray’s rebirth of form and ‘the importance of beating Young Boys‘.

He was taken to Chingford nick for further questioning.

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles	7	41	Young Boys
Pikey Scum	28	20	Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain	17	39	Newington Reds
Headless Chickens	15	20	FC Tescticuladew
Dynamo Charlton	15	31	Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda	27	31	Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals	21	13	Judean People’s Front
Northern Monkeys	31	31	Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup – group standings

Group	A
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Young Boys	1	41	7	34	3
2	Real Threat	1	34	21	13	3
3	Pikey Scum	2	56	52	4	3
4	Carles	2	39	69	-30	3
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	2	41	62	-21	0
Group	B
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	FC Tescticuladew	2	43	-38	5	4
2	Newington Reds	1	39	-17	22	3
3	Uncertain	2	35	-56	-21	3
4	KS West Green	1	23	-23	0	1
5	Headless Chickens	2	32	-38	-6	0
Group	C
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Bala Rinas	2	57	-52	5	6
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	1	31	-15	16	3
3	Dynamo Charlton	2	40	-45	-5	3
4	ISIL	1	25	-26	-1	0
5	Team Panda	2	41	-56	-15	0
Group	D
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Cowley Casuals	2	40	-29	11	6
2	Thieving Magpies	1	24	-20	4	3
3	Northern Monkeys	2	47	-50	-3	1
4	Wandsworth Network Solutions	2	51	-55	-4	1
5	Judean People’s Front	1	13	-21	-8	0

Kenna table – week 15

Full tables and scores available from The Rub.

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Young Boys	Andrew D	42	4
2	Newington Reds	Ben D	39	1
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	33	0
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	2
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	31	1
6	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	31	0
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	1
8	Team Panda	George	27	2
9	ISIL	Abdi	21	2
10	Cowley Casuals	Stu	21	0
11	FC Tescticuladew	James N	20	0
12	Thieving Magpies	Phil	19	0
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	18	0
14	Uncertain	Pete B	17	0
15	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	15	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
17	KS West Green	Stix	14	0
18	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	13	0
19	Carles	Carles	7	0
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Mahrez, R – LEI – MID
		Club	Young Boys

HE stared out of the window from his desk for some time.

It was hard not to be downcast. The season was drifting once again.

It was another disaster. He had little doubt about that as he looked over the training pitches at The Coop. And the seeds of failure had surely been sown in August.

Diego Costa. Diego fucking Costa. Fifty fucking million. That was supposed to buy goals, buy points. Instead the most exciting thing he got was a pink bib thrown in his general direction. He should have known. Never trust a man who can grow a beard during the course of a game.

Although at least Costa got a game. His other marquee signing had spent most of season on the sidelines. Vincent Kompany had only played three times since 1 September. With luck like this it was easy to see how his side were hanging above the relegation zone.

Was it luck? The more he pondered the clearer his own shortcomings in London pub-based fantasy football became. The highest ever finish he’d ever managed was ninth. All the rest had been in the teens it looked like going that way again unless he could make serious moves in the February transfer window.

The transfer window! Releasing Ronaldo (he cursed himself again. Ronaldo!) in favour of Cameron Jerome had been the one positive move he’d made this campaign. If you could call one goal in eight weeks positive.

Apart from Jerome the window hadn’t offered up any opportunities. Or was it his own tactical shortsightedness? He was sure there was something in his back four that needed attention, but he could never quite put his finger on it.

His reverie was interrupted by his secretary coming in with the post. He mumbled thanks and as she left the room idly riffled through the usual bumph of bills and death threats.

A postcard of the Santiago Bernabeu stadium stuck out. He’d been receiving one of these once a week since the start of the season. He sighed and turned it over.

‘TOSSER’ was written on the back. He fought back a tear and put it in the bottom drawer of his desk with the others.

One day he would get his hands on this prankster who called himself ‘Sergio Ramos‘.

Narcozep Cup fixtures

Just Put Carles v Young Boys
Pikey Scum v Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain v Walthamstow Reds
Headless Chickens v FC Testiculadew
Dynamo Charlton v Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda v Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals v Judean Peoples’ Front
Northern Monkeys v Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table – week 14

Full scores and tables available from The Rub.

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	38	2
2	Carles	Carles	32	1
3	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	31	1
4	Newington Reds	Ben D	31	1
5	Thieving Magpies	Phil	30	2
6	Team Panda	George	29	2
7	KS West Green	Stix	27	0
8	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	26	1
9	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	2
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	1
11	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	1
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	22	1
13	Young Boys	Andrew D	20	1
14	FC Tescticuladew	James N	18	0
15	Bala Rinas	Lewis	16	0
16	Cowley Casuals	Stu	16	0
17	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
18	ISIL	Abdi	13	0
19	Uncertain	Pete B	5	0
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	13	de Bruyne, K – MCY – MID
		Club	Lokomotiv Leeds

THE manager of Hairy Fadjeetas was left with some explaining to do after his side were battered by Real Threat in this weekend’s opening Narcozep Cup fixtures.

A Jamie Vardy slot was not enough and the Fadges were seen to clam up as Real thrust into the box over and over again until Jermaine Defoe and Manuel Lanzini both decisively drove it home.

Real midfielder Gerard Deulofeu beavered away to create two goals (the young Catalan was released by Cowley Casuals at last month’s transfer window in favour of Xedran Shaquiri, a signing yet to bear fruit).

Defeat is a huge gash in Fadges’ hopes of progressing to the knock out stage, and the honey pot at the end of a successful cup run.

There are murmurs at Bikini Lane should the manager not produce silverware this season he could face the axe. Wound up when confronted with rumours in the post-match interview, the manager of Fadges seeped with fluid vehemence.

“This kind of talk gets right up my chuff. It’s typical from fans. It’s such a fan-ny conclusion. They sit there eating their burgers and pies, and think they know how to run a top-flight football team.

“Where do people get the front? Bottom. That’s where this club would be if it wasn’t for me,” he said in one of the season’s most meaty flaps.

Shirt sponsors Volkswagen Group could pull their backing if results don’t improve.

“We’re still chewing it over,” said a VAG spokesperson.

Supporters groups have been highly critical of the manager’s outburst.

“He can’t go on attacking the fans this way and while the team’s form is so poor and results aren’t coming in, especially if financial backing is at stake,” said Poachers Glovebox, secretary of fans’ outfit Vagitarians.

“I can only see one outcome if he keeps up this sort of beef: curtains.”

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles	32	28	Pikey Scum
Real Threat	34	21	Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain	18	17	Headless Chickens
KS West Green	23	23	FC Tescticuladew
Dynamo Charlton	25	14	Team Panda
ISIL	25	26	Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals	19	16	Northern Monkeys
Thieving Magpies	24	20	Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup – group standings

Group	A
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Real Threat	1	34	21	13	3
2	Carles	1	32	28	4	3
3	Young Boys	0	0	0	0	0
4	Pikey Scum	1	28	32	-4	0
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	1	21	34	-13	0
Group	B
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Uncertain	1	18	-17	1	3
2	FC Tescticuladew	1	23	-23	0	1
3	KS West Green	1	23	-23	0	1
4	Newington Reds	0	0	0	0	0
5	Headless Chickens	1	17	-18	-1	0
Group	C
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Dynamo Charlton	1	25	-14	11	3
2	Bala Rinas	1	26	-25	1	3
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	0	0	0	0	0
4	ISIL	1	25	-26	-1	0
5	Team Panda	1	14	-25	-11	0
Group	D
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Thieving Magpies	1	24	-20	4	3
2	Cowley Casuals	1	19	-16	3	3
3	Judean People’s Front	0	0	0	0	0
4	Northern Monkeys	1	16	-19	-3	0
5	Wandsworth Network Solutions	1	20	-24	-4	0

Kenna table – week 13

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	47	4
2	Newington Reds	Ben D	39	1
3	Carles	Carles	32	2
4	Young Boys	Andrew D	30	2
5	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	30	1
6	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	2
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	26	1
8	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	25	1
9	Thieving Magpies	Phil	24	0
10	KS West Green	Stix	23	1
11	FC Tescticuladew	James N	23	1
12	ISIL	Abdi	23	1
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	20	1
14	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	20	0
15	Cowley Casuals	Stu	19	0
16	Uncertain	Pete B	18	0
17	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	16	1
19	Team Panda	George	14	1
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Barkley, R – EVE – MID
		Club	Judean People’s Front

PREPARATIONS for this weekend’s first round of Narcozep Cup fixtures will be under extra pressure with the introduction of Real Threat.

Made up of the best unsigned players, Real Threat was introduced this season to make up numbers in the cup group draw.

With names like Jonny Howson, Philipp Wollschied and Chancel Mbemba, it’s hard to imagine any manager signing the Real Threat XI in the August auction without being ridiculed for lack of ambition.

Yet a points tally that would put them third in the table means the side are literally a Real Threat, particularly since this year’s cup will be measured on points scored in a week rather than goals.

Scraping up an average of around 20 points a week, Hairy Fadjeetas go into the Narcozep Cup group A curtain raiser this weekend as firm underdogs against the newcomers, who would average more than 30.

More managers will be concerned. Only Young Boys outscore Real Threat in group A, and just two qualification places are available.

All of which means Cowley Casuals or Dynamo Charlton could find themselves up against former players – their ‘rejects’ even – in a semi final showdown should Real Threat progress.

Most of all Kenna HQ concern levels could rise dramatically. If Real Threat go on to win the cup the managerial fallout will be apocalyptic.

“I’m not concerned,” said the chairman, eying his cocktail cabinet pensively before breakfast. “If Real Threat do somehow qualify, and admittedly it looks likely considering the opposition in group A, the team will be disbanded ahead of the second transfer window in early February and picked again after that.

“I’m sure after the second window managers will have signed all the best players ‘from the pot’. The managerial quality and foresight in the Kenna is….ah.”

Real Threat

Wayne Hennessey – Crystal Palace goalkeeper – 24 points
Gareth McAuley – West Brom defender – 41 points
Philipp Wollschied – Stoke defender – 31 points
Sebastian Prodl – Watford defender – 27 points
Chancel Mbemba – Newcastle defender – 25 points
Manuel Lanzini – West Ham midfielder – 38 points
Jonny Howson – Norwich midfielder – 37 points
Gerard Deulofeu – Everton midfielder – 37 points (formerly of Cowley Casuals)
Steven Davis – Southampton midfielder – 31 points
Jermaine Defoe – Sunderland striker – 34 points (formerly of Dynamo Charlton)
Wilfred Bony – Manchester City – 32 points (formerly of Cowley Casuals)

Total points: 366

Narcozep Cup fixtures – this weekend

Narcozep Cup – knockout stage

Kenna table – week 12

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Thieving Magpies	Phil	38	1
2	Newington Reds	Ben D	29	1
3	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	29	1
4	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	29	0
5	Team Panda	George	28	1
6	Headless Chickens	John N	28	0
7	Young Boys	Andrew D	27	1
8	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	26	2
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	25	1
10	FC Tescticuladew	James N	25	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	0
12	KS West Green	Stix	23	0
13	Bala Rinas	Lewis	22	0
14	ISIL	Abdi	21	1
15	Carles	Carles	21	1
16	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	19	0
17	Uncertain	Pete B	19	0
18	Pikey Scum	Jack	18	0
19	Cowley Casuals	Stu	17	0
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	9	Bertrand, R – SOT – DEF
		Club	KS West Green

FOOTBALL managers across England’s top flight prepared themselves for weeks of gloating as Young Boys of Vauxhall increased their lead in the Kenna League.

A brace from Ryad Mahrez and a goal from Romelu Lukaku meant the south London club put 27 points between them and closest challengers Bala Rinas.

For Kenna veterans, Young Boys’ dominance can only mean one thing: increased levels of crowing from the manager.

True to form, he took to social media platform Twitter yesterday….

@jeffkennaleague never mind all this, where’s the latest Kenna table? I want to see how far I’m ahead

— Andrew Denney (@andenney) November 6, 2015

Asked for his thoughts on the tweet in a press conference this morning, the Bala Rinas manager said: “My side is putting in good displays with Payet and Pelle playing well. We hope to chase down the leaders eventually, if only to shut the guy up.”

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, fierce rivals of Young Boys, was more openly hostile: “Who does the Young Boys manager think he is? His team has played well for a third of a season in four years. It hardly constitutes managerial genius.

“The Mahrez signing was complete dumb luck, but he’s touting it around like it’s some sort of tactical foresight. Bellend.”

As a neutral observer, the Kenna chairman remained impartial: “Never trust a man with a toy horse racing set and an Italian girlfriend.”

Kenna table – week 11

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Young Boys	Andrew D	47	3
2	Thieving Magpies	Phil	47	3
3	Pikey Scum	Jack	43	3
4	Newington Reds	Ben D	39	2
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	38	1
6	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	32	1
7	Cowley Casuals	Stu	31	1
8	Team Panda	George	29	2
9	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	29	0
10	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	28	1
11	Headless Chickens	John N	23	1
12	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	21	0
13	Carles	Carles	20	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	1
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	19	0
16	KS West Green	Stix	19	0
17	Uncertain	Pete B	18	0
18	FC Tescticuladew	James N	17	0
19	ISIL	Abdi	5	0
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	23	Kone, A – EVE – STR
		Club	Thieving Magpies

THE Jeff Kenna League chairman has expressed ‘shock and disappointment’ his efforts are not shortlisted in a prestigious blog awards. 

Arseblog and Caughtoffside are among the four blogs announced this week as finalists in the sports category of the inaugural Vuelio Blog Awards. The ceremony is to be held on Friday 27 November in the City of London.

The chairman said: “As the chronicler of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league, I can only express shock and disappointment at not being recognised in these awards.

“We are at the forefront of (mostly) coherent blogs about fantasy football leagues, away from the mass marketing devices of national media. We are doing something new in a realm of the unexplored. We are literally penetrating white space.

“To be snubbed in this manner is inexplicable.”

From humble beginnings in The Old Bank of England on Fleet Street, ‘the Kenna’ – as it’s become known to managers – has risen to preeminence. In the summer the league celebrated its 11th anniversary.

Growing from just eight managers to around 20 in the last few seasons, the Kenna has provided a home for armchair tacticians with a passion for football and sitting in licensed premises for hours on end trying not get so drunk they forfeit their best player under the notorious Titus Bramble ruling.

Asked whether he will attend the black tie awards ceremony, the chairman said: “Well, at least those copycats from the Marion Pahars League haven’t been shortlisted either.

“And I suppose they’ll be serving a glass of fizz or two.”

Kenna table – week 10

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	36	4
2	Thieving Magpies	Phil	36	0
3	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	33	2
4	Newington Reds	Ben D	32	0
5	Young Boys	Andrew D	31	0
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	30	1
7	Cowley Casuals	Stu	29	2
8	Carles	Carles	28	3
9	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	1
10	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	23	1
11	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	23	0
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	22	1
13	Team Panda	George	21	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	17	1
15	KS West Green	Stix	17	0
16	Uncertain	Pete B	16	0
17	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
18	ISIL	Abdi	13	0
19	FC Tescticuladew	James N	12	0
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Kane, H – TOT – STR
		Club	Carles