January 2015 – The Jeff Kenna League

Five burning questions for Kenna managers ahead of transfer deadline day

Storm through the window: FC Testiculadew scouts are on the lookout for talent ahead of the transfer window.

IF all the Kenna managers lived on a surburban mews, this would be the most vigorous week of curtain twitching.

The season’s second and final transfer window takes place next Saturday and managers will be keen to size up which footballers they can sign to most improve their teams. The events of the afternoon will decide who lifts the league title in May.

Managers have until next Thursday to send their players to be released to Kenna HQ – by post if they want to claim the £10m war chest supplement.

Here are five most pertinent questions dogging every Kenna manager this week.

1. Can Lesbians resist a little fiddle?

The Sporting Lesbians manager is having a dream season. Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle up front in their first season in England playing like they’re to the Kenna born, a back five of De Gea, Coleman, Demichelis, Luis and Tomkins all putting in a shift from week one and a modestly creative midfield where even Egyptian flake Ahmed Elmohamady has become a regular starter.

At 77 points ahead of the pack Lesbians can surely cruise towards their second league title. But with a couple of pints in him come next Saturday, will the manager stand idly by only to regret his inaction come May? Or will the finger slide tantilisingly towards the button of release? Just a quick play, temptation will say, it’s so naughty but it feels so good…and then ‘pow!’ You’ve just bought Morgan Amalfitano, stuck a Bramble a sensitive area and blood’s running down your leg.

2. Does the Lokomotiv manager sell Bony or Silva?

Hovering just outside a top four finish, the Lokomotiv Leeds manager has the opportunity to turn this window into a springboard to riches but he faces the Bramble-tied quandary of the season. Does he stay with the squat Spanish Merlin David Silva or gamble on the power of Wilfred Bony. The Cote D’Ivoire striker will need time to recover from his country’s customary choke in the African Cup of Nations, but upon his return think of all the goals he could score.

3. Can the Cowley Casuals manager pull it off again?

If transfer windows were competitions taken isolation, the Cowley Casuals manager could be considered to have won in October. While Sporting Lesbians flicked a quick tinker in midfield, Cowley Casuals rummaged around to make four signings who have all contributed to the side’s occupation of second in the table. Casuals still have a fair amount of catching up to do, so the manager is left with a choice of hoping his eleven make it over the finish line or having a clear out.

4. Who’s got the most money left?

No one will be able to match the Dynamo Charlton manager’s desperate attempt to buy his way out of the relegation zone. Replacing Rickie Lambert with Harry Kane should be top of his list of priorities, or at least equal with busting some onions over attitude in the general area of Bafetimbi Gomis.

At fourth and fifth place in the league respectively, St Reatham FC and Hairy Fadjeetas have the most control over their destinies with each having over £20m in the war chest. Both managers will be in the Alps next weekend. How much will that impact on their tactics?

Moneybags	Averagebags	Grotbags
Dynamo Charlton – £45.5m Piedmonte – £26.5m Hairy Fadjeetas – £25m St Reatham FC – £20.5m Fat Ladies – £20.5m	Team Panda Rules OK – £19.5M Bala Rinas – £16m Just Put Carles – £15m Headless Chickens – £14.5m Cowley Casuals – £13.5m Young Boys – £12m Still Don’t Know Yet – £10.5m Pikey Scum – £10m	Lokomotiv Leeds – £9.5m Judean Peoples’ Front – £8m Hoxton Pirates – £7m Walthamstow Reds – £3.5m Sporting Lesbian – £3.5m FC Testiculadew – £2.5m KS West Green – £0.5m

5. Who are the biggest targets?

Strikers
Up front Harry Kane has managers crowding around the shop window. With Senegal out of the ACN, Mame Diouf may turn heads. Andreas Wiemann could be a solid replacement for injury. Ashley Barnes and Eduardo Vargas are wildcard options.

Midfielders
Managers will be hoping Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer continues to assault the opposition penalty area rather than their creative midfielders. He’s the top scoring available midfielder. Morgan Amalfitano is rapidly turning into the next Chris Brunt in Kenna terms – temperamental form merchants. James Ward-Prowse is having a promising run.

Defenders
Astounding as it seems, Toby Alderweireld is still out there. He’s the second-highest scoring defender behind household shrug Aaron Cresswell. Aly Cissokho is third. KS West Green reject Mamadou Sakho is back in favour.

Goalkeepers
Three available goalkeepers are scoring well, which means there must be three Kenna managers looking to improve in that position. They’ll have to fight so dirty over Adrian, Lukas Fabianski and Rob Green that seedy men in mackintoshes are being charged to peep through the keyhole at that scene.

Full scores, tables and disciplinary records available at The Rub.

Kenna table – week 21 of 37

Kennna table week 21 - 27 January 2014 — Kennna table week 21 – 27 January 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	29	1
2	Young Boys	Denney	27	2
3	Cowley Casuals	Stu	25	1
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	1
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	22	3
6	FC Tescticuladew	James N	22	0
7	Just Put Carles	Carles	20	1
8	Team Panda Rules OK	George	19	0
9	KS West Green	Stix	17	0
10	Headless Chickens	John N	16	1
11	Piedmonte	Phil	16	1
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	12	1
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	0
14	Walthamstow Reds	Dudley	11	1
15	Hoxton Pirates	Abdi	9	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	8	0
17	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	8	0
18	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	6	0
19	Fat Ladies	Ted	6	0
20	St Reatham FC	Mike	5	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Anichebe, V – WBA – STR
		Club	Unsigned

Go For Broke Cup announced

Lego Arabs — Taking the George Michael: The Go For Broke Cup will neither objectify nor stereotype wealthy Arabian businessmen (photo: akunthita)

A NEW competition to find the worst knockout tournament team in fantasy football was unveiled today.

The Go For Broke Cup takes the only four teams in the Kenna not to qualify from the group/pool stage of the Canesten Combi Cup and pit them against each other to find out which manager really is the most hapless.

Unlike the slightly racist TV advert for a board game of the same name, the Go For Broke Cup will not see managers dress as Arabian oil sheikhs, get irritated by a casino win or welcome a stock price collapse.

Instead the four sides will play a further group/pool after which the bottom two will enter a playoff. The loser will win.

The Kenna chairman, whose team KS West Green are one of the four clubs to be involved, was quick to dismiss rumours the competition would overrun an already inefficient administration.

“The Go For Broke Cup is yet another way for us to determine the worst managers out there,” he said, with a nod towards the bosses of Hoxton Pirates and Fat Ladies who are both rooted to the foot of the Kenna League.

Elsewhere, the Sporting Lesbian manager made a case for a Kenna League and Canesten Combi Cup double this season by both topping group/pool A and extending his lead at the top of the table.

The Lesbian strike partnership of Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle are the only pair in the league to both break 100 points. Their combined total of 236 points is over a century more than their nearest rivals.

Despite their zero-hours contracts policy, Cowley Casuals took advantage of another poor week in the steady decline of Bala Rinas to take second place, but still lay 76 points off the leaders.

Managers will be looking ahead to the season’s second transfer on Saturday 6 February, just over two weeks away.

Canesten Combi Cup – week five results

20-Jan-15	Sporting Lesbian	0	0	Young Boys
20-Jan-15	Headless Chickens	2	1	Dynamo Charlton
20-Jan-15	Bala Rinas	1	1	KS West Green
20-Jan-15	Piedmonte	1	1	Just Put Carles
20-Jan-15	Cowley Casuals	1	3	Pikey Scum
20-Jan-15	Walthamstow Reds	0	0	Hoxton Pirates
20-Jan-15	St Reatham FC	1	1	Lokomotiv Leeds
20-Jan-15	Hairy Fadjeetas	0	0	Fat Ladies

Canesten Combi Cup – final group/pool standings

Group	A
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Sporting Lesbian	4	4	2	2	8
2	Headless Chickens	4	6	5	1	7
3	Young Boys	4	5	2	3	6
4	Dynamo Charlton	4	3	6	-3	4
5	Judean People’s Front	4	4	7	-3	1

Group	B
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Bala Rinas	4	5	-2	3	8
2	Team Panda Rules OK	4	5	-4	1	7
3	Piedmonte	4	7	-4	3	5
4	Just Put Carles	4	2	-3	-1	3
5	KS West Green	4	3	-9	-6	2

Group	C
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Pikey Scum	4	9	-3	6	12
2	Walthamstow Reds	4	6	-4	2	7
3	Cowley Casuals	4	9	-9	0	4
4	Still Don’t Know Yet	4	9	-13	-4	3
5	Hoxton Pirates	4	0	-4	-4	2

Group	D
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Lokomotiv Leeds	4	12	-4	8	10
2	St Reatham FC	4	4	-11	-7	7
3	FC Tescticuladew	4	12	-5	7	6
4	Hairy Fadjeetas	4	7	-8	-1	4
5	Fat Ladies	4	0	-7	-7	1

Kenna table – week 20 of 37

Kenna table week 20 - 20 January 2014 — Kenna table week 20 – 20 January 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Cowley Casuals	Stu	54	1
2	St Reatham FC	Mike	51	1
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	51	0
4	Pikey Scum	Jack	47	3
5	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	44	2
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	41	3
7	Piedmonte	Phil	37	1
8	FC Tescticuladew	James N	36	2
9	Just Put Carles	Carles	32	1
10	Young Boys	Denney	30	0
11	KS West Green	Stix	29	1
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	27	1
13	Headless Chickens	John N	22	2
14	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	1
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
16	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	19	1
17	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	0
18	Walthamstow Reds	Dudley	18	0
19	Fat Ladies	Ted	16	0
20	Hoxton Pirates	Abdi	14	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Valencia, E – WHM – STR
		Club	Piedmonte

Cap lifts Kenna window

Flat response: Kenna HQ number crunchers worked through the night on a solution.

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

SHOCK waves reverberated across the Kenna today as the transfer kitty of Switzerland-based St Reatham FC swelled by a mouthwatering 30 percent.

Details of the club’s new-found wealth emerged yesterday lunchtime after the Swiss National Bank abandoned a cap on the country’s currency value against the euro. Before the move it cost the Swiss 1.2 francs to buy one euro, just minutes later that cost fell to 80 cents.

That means St Reatham’s spending power has dramatically increased ahead of February’s transfer window.

A financial analyst close to the Kenna said: “The club will effectively be getting Black Friday prices on any deal it tries to make, while everyone else will still be paying top whack.”

Speaking from his Alpine retreat, the manager of St Reatham FC, who is still wanted by police following an incident on Chobham Common in April 2013, declared: “It’s a rich man’s game and I’m rich. Filthy rich. Filthy.”

In a hastily-convened press conference the Kenna chairman denied being caught out by the ebb and flow of the global money markets: “We’ve had our top boys on this one for a few days now crunching the numbers and I’m confident that transfer budgets will not be affected by this Swiss decoupling. Who uses bloody euros anyway? The Kenna is a fine British institution.”

Je suis Titus

[INSERT SATIRE HERE]

Full scores can be found in The Rub.

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	36	2
2	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	34	2
3	Pikey Scum	Jack	30	2
4	Young Boys	Denney	29	1
5	Cowley Casuals	Stu	28	0
6	FC Tescticuladew	James N	25	2
7	St Reatham FC	Mike	23	0
8	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	21	1
9	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	20	0
10	Piedmonte	Phil	20	0
11	Walthamstow Reds	Dudley	19	1
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	0
13	KS West Green	Stix	18	0
14	Team Panda Rules OK	George	17	1
15	Bala Rinas	Lewis	17	1
16	Just Put Carles	Carles	16	1
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	16	0
18	Headless Chickens	John N	11	0
19	Fat Ladies	Ted	9	0
20	Hoxton Pirates	Abdi	3	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Sanchez, A – ARS – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Evans: Pirates pillaging my good name

CHED Evans has handed in his transfer request at Hoxton Pirates because he believes playing for the club is damaging his reputation.

Shadowy links to kidnappings, poor observation of Ramadan and militant extremist group Al Shabaab of the club’s Somali manager have been cited by Evans as reasons for the swell of negative public opinion surrounding the striker.

“My conscience is clear, so the only way I can explain how Brand Ched has come to be demonised in the media is through representing a club associated with religious oppression and general pillage on the high seas. I need to find a new club immediately,” said Evans, who has previous for trying to force a move.

Evans joined Hoxton Pirates as a forfeit at the October transfer window under the Titus Bramble ruling, after the manager had overspent his budget.

Outside the club’s Pitfield Street ground this morning, the Pirates manager resfused to be backed into a corner by his Welsh striker: “Yarrrrrr! The scoundrel needs to knuckle down instead o’ tryin’ to win the favours of ladies of the night in Charlie Wright’s International Bar by singing on the karaoke machine. If I be hearing Blurred Lines one more time he be gettin’ himself keelhauled.”

Several clubs are reported to be uninterested in the wantaway centre forward, who has also criticised Hoxton Pirates’ poor form this season for not providing enough of a challenge. The club is rooted to both the bottom of the Kenna League and, with one fixture remaining before the knockout stage, the foot of Canesten Combi Cup group C. The side has not scored a goal since 25 November.

For now the drought looks set to continue. The club’s other forward Mauro Zarate has failed to live up to what little promise brought the Argentine to England. A midfield of Matic, Januzaj, Ramirez and Wright-Phillips hardly screams ‘goals’.

The club will be looking to ring the changes come the February transfer window, and even without his attempts to pin down the manager Evans’ future at the club is doubtful. Perhaps there’s a role for the striker with Gavin Peacock.

Wives: one of the primary ways you are to respect your husband is by gladly submitting to and encouraging his leadership.

— Gavin Peacock (@GPeacock8) January 6, 2015

Full scores, results and tables can be found in The Rub.

Canesten Combi Cup – group/pool stage round four results

06-Jan-15	Sporting Lesbian	3	2	Judean People’s Front
06-Jan-15	Headless Chickens	1	1	Young Boys
06-Jan-15	Bala Rinas	3	1	Team Panda Rules OK
06-Jan-15	Piedmonte	6	2	KS West Green
06-Jan-15	Cowley Casuals	7	3	Still Don’t Know Yet
06-Jan-15	Walthamstow Reds	0	1	Pikey Scum
06-Jan-15	St Reatham FC	0	8	FC Tescticuladew
06-Jan-15	Hairy Fadjeetas	3	4	Lokomotiv Leeds

Canesten Combi Cup – group/pool standings

Group	A
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Sporting Lesbian	3	4	2	2	7
2	Young Boys	3	5	2	3	5
3	Headless Chickens	3	4	4	0	4
4	Dynamo Charlton	3	2	4	-2	4
5	Judean People’s Front	4	4	7	-3	1

Group	B
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Bala Rinas	3	4	-1	3	7
2	Team Panda Rules OK	4	5	-4	1	7
3	Piedmonte	3	6	-3	3	4
4	Just Put Carles	3	1	-2	-1	2
5	KS West Green	3	2	-8	-6	1

Group	C
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Pikey Scum	3	6	-2	4	9
2	Walthamstow Reds	3	6	-4	2	6
3	Cowley Casuals	3	8	-6	2	4
4	Still Don’t Know Yet	4	9	-13	-4	3
5	Hoxton Pirates	3	0	-4	-4	1

Group	D
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Lokomotiv Leeds	3	11	-3	8	9
2	St Reatham FC	3	3	-9	-6	6
3	FC Tescticuladew	4	10	-6	4	3
4	Hairy Fadjeetas	3	7	-8	-1	3
5	Fat Ladies	3	1	-6	-5	3

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Tescticuladew	James N	88	8
2	Cowley Casuals	Stu	75	7
3	Piedmonte	Phil	67	6
4	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	63	3
5	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	60	3
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	53	3
7	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	49	3
8	KS West Green	Stix	49	2
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	47	3
10	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	47	2
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	46	4
12	Team Panda Rules OK	George	44	1
13	Just Put Carles	Carles	43	2
14	Pikey Scum	Jack	38	1
15	Walthamstow Reds	Dudley	34	0
16	St Reatham FC	Mike	32	0
17	Headless Chickens	John N	25	1
18	Hoxton Pirates	Abdi	23	0
19	Young Boys	Denney	21	1
20	Fat Ladies	Ted	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	32	Berahino, S – WBA – STR
		Club	FC Tescticuladew