CHED Evans has handed in his transfer request at Hoxton Pirates because he believes playing for the club is damaging his reputation.
Shadowy links to kidnappings, poor observation of Ramadan and militant extremist group Al Shabaab of the club’s Somali manager have been cited by Evans as reasons for the swell of negative public opinion surrounding the striker.
“My conscience is clear, so the only way I can explain how Brand Ched has come to be demonised in the media is through representing a club associated with religious oppression and general pillage on the high seas. I need to find a new club immediately,” said Evans, who has previous for trying to force a move.
Evans joined Hoxton Pirates as a forfeit at the October transfer window under the Titus Bramble ruling, after the manager had overspent his budget.
Outside the club’s Pitfield Street ground this morning, the Pirates manager resfused to be backed into a corner by his Welsh striker: “Yarrrrrr! The scoundrel needs to knuckle down instead o’ tryin’ to win the favours of ladies of the night in Charlie Wright’s International Bar by singing on the karaoke machine. If I be hearing Blurred Lines one more time he be gettin’ himself keelhauled.”
Several clubs are reported to be uninterested in the wantaway centre forward, who has also criticised Hoxton Pirates’ poor form this season for not providing enough of a challenge. The club is rooted to both the bottom of the Kenna League and, with one fixture remaining before the knockout stage, the foot of Canesten Combi Cup group C. The side has not scored a goal since 25 November.
For now the drought looks set to continue. The club’s other forward Mauro Zarate has failed to live up to what little promise brought the Argentine to England. A midfield of Matic, Januzaj, Ramirez and Wright-Phillips hardly screams ‘goals’.
The club will be looking to ring the changes come the February transfer window, and even without his attempts to pin down the manager Evans’ future at the club is doubtful. Perhaps there’s a role for the striker with Gavin Peacock.
Wives: one of the primary ways you are to respect your husband is by gladly submitting to and encouraging his leadership.
— Gavin Peacock (@GPeacock8) January 6, 2015
Full scores, results and tables can be found in The Rub.
Canesten Combi Cup – group/pool stage round four results
| 06-Jan-15 | Sporting Lesbian | 3 | 2 | Judean People’s Front |
| 06-Jan-15 | Headless Chickens | 1 | 1 | Young Boys |
| 06-Jan-15 | Bala Rinas | 3 | 1 | Team Panda Rules OK |
| 06-Jan-15 | Piedmonte | 6 | 2 | KS West Green |
| 06-Jan-15 | Cowley Casuals | 7 | 3 | Still Don’t Know Yet |
| 06-Jan-15 | Walthamstow Reds | 0 | 1 | Pikey Scum |
| 06-Jan-15 | St Reatham FC | 0 | 8 | FC Tescticuladew |
| 06-Jan-15 | Hairy Fadjeetas | 3 | 4 | Lokomotiv Leeds |
Canesten Combi Cup – group/pool standings
| Group | A | |||||
| Pos | Team | Played | For | Against | Diff | Pts |
| 1 | Sporting Lesbian | 3 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 7 |
| 2 | Young Boys | 3 | 5 | 2 | 3 | 5 |
| 3 | Headless Chickens | 3 | 4 | 4 | 0 | 4 |
| 4 | Dynamo Charlton | 3 | 2 | 4 | -2 | 4 |
| 5 | Judean People’s Front | 4 | 4 | 7 | -3 | 1 |
| Group | B | |||||
| Pos | Team | Played | For | Against | Diff | Pts |
| 1 | Bala Rinas | 3 | 4 | -1 | 3 | 7 |
| 2 | Team Panda Rules OK | 4 | 5 | -4 | 1 | 7 |
| 3 | Piedmonte | 3 | 6 | -3 | 3 | 4 |
| 4 | Just Put Carles | 3 | 1 | -2 | -1 | 2 |
| 5 | KS West Green | 3 | 2 | -8 | -6 | 1 |
| Group | C | |||||
| Pos | Team | Played | For | Against | Diff | Pts |
| 1 | Pikey Scum | 3 | 6 | -2 | 4 | 9 |
| 2 | Walthamstow Reds | 3 | 6 | -4 | 2 | 6 |
| 3 | Cowley Casuals | 3 | 8 | -6 | 2 | 4 |
| 4 | Still Don’t Know Yet | 4 | 9 | -13 | -4 | 3 |
| 5 | Hoxton Pirates | 3 | 0 | -4 | -4 | 1 |
| Group | D | |||||
| Pos | Team | Played | For | Against | Diff | Pts |
| 1 | Lokomotiv Leeds | 3 | 11 | -3 | 8 | 9 |
| 2 | St Reatham FC | 3 | 3 | -9 | -6 | 6 |
| 3 | FC Tescticuladew | 4 | 10 | -6 | 4 | 3 |
| 4 | Hairy Fadjeetas | 3 | 7 | -8 | -1 | 3 |
| 5 | Fat Ladies | 3 | 1 | -6 | -5 | 3 |
Kenna table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | FC Tescticuladew | James N | 88 | 8 |
| 2 | Cowley Casuals | Stu | 75 | 7 |
| 3 | Piedmonte | Phil | 67 | 6 |
| 4 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 63 | 3 |
| 5 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 60 | 3 |
| 6 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 53 | 3 |
| 7 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 49 | 3 |
| 8 | KS West Green | Stix | 49 | 2 |
| 9 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 47 | 3 |
| 10 | Judean People’s Front | Sholto | 47 | 2 |
| 11 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 46 | 4 |
| 12 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 44 | 1 |
| 13 | Just Put Carles | Carles | 43 | 2 |
| 14 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 38 | 1 |
| 15 | Walthamstow Reds | Dudley | 34 | 0 |
| 16 | St Reatham FC | Mike | 32 | 0 |
| 17 | Headless Chickens | John N | 25 | 1 |
| 18 | Hoxton Pirates | Abdi | 23 | 0 |
| 19 | Young Boys | Denney | 21 | 1 |
| 20 | Fat Ladies | Ted | 6 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 32 | Berahino, S – WBA – STR | ||
| Club | FC Tescticuladew |
