December 2015 – The Jeff Kenna League

Bullets in the post

THE Kenna chairman has stepped up his personal security detail after setting managers the challenge of sending him the best death threat.

A missive from Kenna HQ was sent to managers this week reminding them the second transfer window will take place on Friday 5 February and asking them to send in their players to be released ‘in the form of a death threat…in order to claim the £10m transfer bonus’.

‘Merit will be awarded for creativity and menace,’ read the communique. ‘The best death threats will be featured on the blog.’

Over the last few seasons it has become traditional for managers to make their transfer submissions by post to Kenna HQ to claim a £10m boost to their war chests for the window.

Some managers struggled to comprehend the curious new instruction. The boss of league leaders Young Boys immediately replied to ask ‘is there an added bonus if any of us actually kill you?’

There were big shifts in the league this week. More mesmerising movement from Mesut Oezil saw Walthamstow Reds move up to second in the table at the expense of the treasurer’s side Bala Rinas. It was welcome a outcome for the overexposed Reds manager.

At the other end of the league, a performance of the week from Marko Arnautovic helped ISIL move from the bottom of the table.

ISIL’s Somali manager was moved to make the most phonetically-challenged tweet of 2015.

@Br15land @jeffkennaleague @andenney is Arnoughtavic just a poor man’s zlatan. Discuss…

— abdi (@abdinw1) December 26, 2015

The Austrian winger is rumoured to have already registered the trademark ‘R-0’.

Kenna table – week 18

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	71	3
2	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	64	2
3	Cowley Casuals	Stu	63	2
4	FC Tescticuladew	James N	56	1
5	Team Panda	George	56	0
6	Headless Chickens	John N	55	3
7	Newington Reds	Ben D	54	2
8	Young Boys	Andrew D	51	2
9	KS West Green	Stix	51	1
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	49	1
11	Pikey Scum	Jack	48	3
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	44	2
13	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	44	2
14	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	43	1
15	ISIL	Abdi	38	2
16	Thieving Magpies	Phil	38	0
17	Bala Rinas	Lewis	35	0
18	Carles	Carles	33	2
19	Uncertain	Pete B	18	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Arnautovic, M – STO – MID
		Club	*ISIL*

Chairman to refer to ‘moments of darkness’ in Christmas speech

THE Kenna chairman will refer to finding hope in ‘moments of darkness’, during his annual Christmas Day address.

It comes after a year which has seen a number of upsetting incidents, such as Fred ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot’s introduction to the league, the Adam Johnson hotel room scandal and the abduction of pundit Mark Bright.

The chairman will describe the festive period as “a time to remember all that we have to be thankful for now silent bidding has been successfully introduced into the August auction“.

This year’s message, produced by ITN, will be broadcast on television and radio at 15:00 GMT.

The chairman will say during his broadcast: “It is true that the Kenna has had to confront moments of darkness this year, but the Gospel of John contains a verse of great hope, often read at Christmas carol services: ‘The light shines in the darkness, and tactical Brambling has not overcome it’.”

Another masterful display from Riyad Mahrez saw Young Boys go 76 points clear at the top of the table for Christmas.

Narcozep Cup results

Real Threat 19 – 26 Pikey Scum
Young Boys 23 – 32 Hairy Fadjeetas
KS West Green 19 – 33 Headless Chickens
Newington Reds 29 – 31 FC Tescticuladew
ISIL 25 – 35 Team Panda
Lokomotiv Leeds 18 – 16 Bala Rinas
Thieving Magpies 14 – 19 Northern Monkeys
Judean People’s Front 29 – 36 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup group standings

Kenna table – week 17

Weekly scores

Boumsong named as face of 2016 Euros

JEAN-Alain Boumsong will be the figurehead of London’s leading pub-based Euro 2016 fantasy football competition, it was announced today.

The tournament, already known as ‘The Boumsong’, will see up to 20 managers battling it out to buy their eleven players at auction on Friday 10 June at 7pm, just one hour before France v Romania kicks off.

The format of holding a fantasy auction while the opening match is being played was successfully trialled for the 2014 Emerson World Cup.

Boumsong was chosen as figurehead both as a representative of the host nation and for his crucial role in the history of the Kenna League, according to organisers.

In a press conference this morning, the Kenna chairman explained: “Jean-Alain Boumsong is the perfect fit for next summer’s tournament. Yes, his Frenchness plays a part, but he was also one half of the Premier League’s most notorious centre back partnerships with Titus Bramble. This is at the centre of the values of the league.

“Titus Bramble is an important cultural figure in the Kenna, and his career is closely interwoven into the league’s history. But it all started with Boumsong.”

The Chroncile of the Bungle Brothers

Born in Cameroon, Jean-Alain Boumsong made an impressive impact with Le Havre, Auxerre and Rangers before coming to England in January 2005, eight months before the Kenna was founded.

In his first few matches, Boumsong appeared to warrant his £8m transfer fee, but things quickly unravelled…

At the inaugural Kenna auction in August 2005, none of the eight founding managers deemed the defender worthy of signing.

The Frenchman went on to collect 73 points that season, or at least enough for the Vazmanian Devils manager – the first ever female Kenna manager – to fork out £0.5m for his services at the August 2006 auction.

His Kenna career was short lived. Just two weeks into the campaign, having scored no points, he was sold to Juventus.

In an act of clemency never seen since, special dispensation from the league administration allowed the Vazmanian Devils manager to fill the gap in her defence with another player…

Vazmanian Devils – August 2006
R Green – WHU – £0.5m
R Ferdinand – MUN £19.5m
U De La Cruz – REA £0.5m
T Bramble – NEW – £0.5m (replaces Boumsong, week 3)
R Nelson – BLA – £0.5m
A Lennon – TOT – £21.5m
X Alonso – LIV – £13m
T Rosicky – ARS – £25m
M Ballack – CHE – £13m
R Vaz Te – BOL – £0.5m
JF Hasselbaink – CHA – £3m
Total £97.5m

In the November transfer window Bramble was released by Devils as part of a defensive clear out. It wasn’t enough to stop her finishing bottom of the league.

Titus Bramble went on to become the Kenna’s official forfeit player the following summer. His first posting was to the defence of Titus’ Titans.

The Titans manager is now in charge of Young Boys of Vauxhall, who extended their lead at the top of the Kenna this week with goals from Romelu Lukaku and Riyad Mahrez.

Kenna table – week 16

Full scores and table available from The Rub

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Tescticuladew	James N	41	2
2	Young Boys	Andrew D	35	3
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	34	0
4	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	31	1
5	Team Panda	George	29	1
6	Cowley Casuals	Stu	29	1
7	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	28	0
8	Newington Reds	Ben D	27	0
9	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	26	2
10	Thieving Magpies	Phil	25	0
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	2
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	24	1
13	Carles	Carles	22	0
14	KS West Green	Stix	20	1
15	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	19	0
16	Uncertain	Pete B	16	1
17	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	16	0
18	Headless Chickens	John N	16	0
19	ISIL	Abdi	13	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	10	Mahrez, R – LEI – MID
		Club	*Young Boys*

Reds manager blown in alleyway

A KENNA League manager has been exposed trying to avoid the media spotlight for fear it would bring an end to his team’s run of form.

Walthamstow Reds are one of the few sides to climb the league since the October transfer window, where the manager made five new signings.

Over the last few weeks the Reds have gone from sixth to third place in the league and are second in Narcozep Cup group B after just one game, but the manager has been keen to keep a low profile.

In a leaked communique to Kenna HQ he said: “Have been desperately hoping that you continue to not write about me and that my creep up the table since the transfer window continues to go unnoticed.”

Unfortunately for the Reds, the manager’s plan went awry this week when he was spotted by a police patrol trying to escape the glare of top-flight football in an E17 alleyway in a hat, dark glasses, trench coat and upturned collar.

The Reds manager tried to explain his suspicious behaviour, saying it was nothing to do with the proximity of a local primary school but the promise of a maiden Kenna title. Waltham Forest’s finest were not convinced.

Desperate to prove his innocence, the manager went on to tell stoney-faced constables of Kasper Schmiechel clean sheets, Glenn Murray’s rebirth of form and ‘the importance of beating Young Boys‘.

He was taken to Chingford nick for further questioning.

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles	7	41	Young Boys
Pikey Scum	28	20	Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain	17	39	Newington Reds
Headless Chickens	15	20	FC Tescticuladew
Dynamo Charlton	15	31	Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda	27	31	Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals	21	13	Judean People’s Front
Northern Monkeys	31	31	Wandsworth Network Solutions

Narcozep Cup – group standings

Group	A
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Young Boys	1	41	7	34	3
2	Real Threat	1	34	21	13	3
3	Pikey Scum	2	56	52	4	3
4	Carles	2	39	69	-30	3
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	2	41	62	-21	0

Group	B
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	FC Tescticuladew	2	43	-38	5	4
2	Newington Reds	1	39	-17	22	3
3	Uncertain	2	35	-56	-21	3
4	KS West Green	1	23	-23	0	1
5	Headless Chickens	2	32	-38	-6	0

Group	C
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Bala Rinas	2	57	-52	5	6
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	1	31	-15	16	3
3	Dynamo Charlton	2	40	-45	-5	3
4	ISIL	1	25	-26	-1	0
5	Team Panda	2	41	-56	-15	0

Group	D
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Cowley Casuals	2	40	-29	11	6
2	Thieving Magpies	1	24	-20	4	3
3	Northern Monkeys	2	47	-50	-3	1
4	Wandsworth Network Solutions	2	51	-55	-4	1
5	Judean People’s Front	1	13	-21	-8	0

Kenna table – week 15

Full tables and scores available from The Rub.

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Young Boys	Andrew D	42	4
2	Newington Reds	Ben D	39	1
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	33	0
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	2
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	31	1
6	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	31	0
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	1
8	Team Panda	George	27	2
9	ISIL	Abdi	21	2
10	Cowley Casuals	Stu	21	0
11	FC Tescticuladew	James N	20	0
12	Thieving Magpies	Phil	19	0
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	18	0
14	Uncertain	Pete B	17	0
15	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	15	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
17	KS West Green	Stix	14	0
18	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	13	0
19	Carles	Carles	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Mahrez, R – LEI – MID
		Club	Young Boys

Postcards from Spain

HE stared out of the window from his desk for some time.

It was hard not to be downcast. The season was drifting once again.

It was another disaster. He had little doubt about that as he looked over the training pitches at The Coop. And the seeds of failure had surely been sown in August.

Diego Costa. Diego fucking Costa. Fifty fucking million. That was supposed to buy goals, buy points. Instead the most exciting thing he got was a pink bib thrown in his general direction. He should have known. Never trust a man who can grow a beard during the course of a game.

Although at least Costa got a game. His other marquee signing had spent most of season on the sidelines. Vincent Kompany had only played three times since 1 September. With luck like this it was easy to see how his side were hanging above the relegation zone.

Was it luck? The more he pondered the clearer his own shortcomings in London pub-based fantasy football became. The highest ever finish he’d ever managed was ninth. All the rest had been in the teens it looked like going that way again unless he could make serious moves in the February transfer window.

The transfer window! Releasing Ronaldo (he cursed himself again. Ronaldo!) in favour of Cameron Jerome had been the one positive move he’d made this campaign. If you could call one goal in eight weeks positive.

Apart from Jerome the window hadn’t offered up any opportunities. Or was it his own tactical shortsightedness? He was sure there was something in his back four that needed attention, but he could never quite put his finger on it.

His reverie was interrupted by his secretary coming in with the post. He mumbled thanks and as she left the room idly riffled through the usual bumph of bills and death threats.

A postcard of the Santiago Bernabeu stadium stuck out. He’d been receiving one of these once a week since the start of the season. He sighed and turned it over.

‘TOSSER’ was written on the back. He fought back a tear and put it in the bottom drawer of his desk with the others.

One day he would get his hands on this prankster who called himself ‘Sergio Ramos‘.

Narcozep Cup fixtures

Just Put Carles v Young Boys
Pikey Scum v Hairy Fadjeetas
Uncertain v Walthamstow Reds
Headless Chickens v FC Testiculadew
Dynamo Charlton v Lokomotiv Leeds
Team Panda v Bala Rinas
Cowley Casuals v Judean Peoples’ Front
Northern Monkeys v Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table – week 14

Full scores and tables available from The Rub.

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	38	2
2	Carles	Carles	32	1
3	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	31	1
4	Newington Reds	Ben D	31	1
5	Thieving Magpies	Phil	30	2
6	Team Panda	George	29	2
7	KS West Green	Stix	27	0
8	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	26	1
9	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	2
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	1
11	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	1
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	22	1
13	Young Boys	Andrew D	20	1
14	FC Tescticuladew	James N	18	0
15	Bala Rinas	Lewis	16	0
16	Cowley Casuals	Stu	16	0
17	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
18	ISIL	Abdi	13	0
19	Uncertain	Pete B	5	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	13	de Bruyne, K – MCY – MID
		Club	Lokomotiv Leeds