Year: 2016

Swann: I witnessed Kenna alcohol abuse

FORMER England cricketer Graeme Swann has said he saw alcohol being abused by Kenna League managers just two months ago.

The revelation comes three weeks after alcoholic drinks broke legal anonymity to make allegations in the media of historic alcohol abuse at Kenna auctions and transfer nights over the last decade.

Swann, who took 255 test wickets, believes he witnessed three league managers abusing drinks at a free bar on the Strand, including two high-ranking officials from Kenna HQ.

“Everyone was having a quiet drink but these three were planted at the bar ordering round after round, and on a Monday night too. At the time you think ‘is this normal?'” said Swann.

“It’s pretty disgusting. What went on is not normal behaviour. When you hear the stories of all-day drinking sessions without eating and bottles of absinthe trafficked from Eastern Europe… you look back at it now and think ‘hang on, what was going on?’.

The incident followed ‘Graeme Swann’s Great British Spin Off with Henry Blofeld’ at the Duchess Theatre in Covent Garden in October.

Three Kenna managers and their entourage attended a VIP event with Swann and Blofeld after the show (pictured, above), where they are reported to have consumed more than the recommended daily allowance.

Challenged by the media at a press conference outside Kenna HQ this morning, the chairman tried to deflect the scandal.

“That was Graeme Swann?” he shrugged. “Oh…this is going to be awkward. I thought it was Peter Such.”

Kenna League week 16

Islington Sports Islam & Leisure‘s steady decline continued this week as they sunk to third place.

Waiting in the wings while twirling his moustache, the manager of FC Testiculadew leapt into second place ably assisted by a 21-point haul from striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

For full scores and results visit The Rub.

Kenna table week 16 - 20 December 2016
Kenna table week 16 – 20 December 2016

Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup

1. (was 1) Testicureds 259 (FC Testiculadew 143 / Walthamstow Reds 116)

2. (was 2=) So Good They Ate Pies Twice 235 (Thieving Magpies 130 / So Good They Named Him Twice 105)

3. (was 5) Lesbian Panda 221 (Sporting Lesbian 145 / Team Panda 76)

4. (was 2=) Leeds Burqini 219 (Lokomotiv Leeds 86 / Burqini Pool Party 133)

5. (was 6) Vauxhall Chinese Takeaway 214 (Young Boys of Vauxhall 145 / Adam Johnson Fan Club 69)

6. (was 9) Charlton Towers 184 (Sleptember XI 107 / Dynamo Charlton 77)

7. (was 4) Pikey Network Failure 181 (Pikey Scum 98 / Wandsworth Network Solutions 83)

8. (was 7) Just Piss Poor 178 (Piss Poor 111 / Just Put Carles 67)

9. (was 8) Bala Monkeys 169 (Bala Rinas 91 / Northern Monkeys 78)

10. (was 10) The Peoples’ Front of Cowley 160 (Cowley Casuals 103 / Judean Peoples’ Front 57)

11. (was 11) Two Pegs One Hook 129 (ISIL 74 / Two Goals One Cup 55)

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Howe: Kenna manager visit inspired Liverpool fightback

AFC Bournemouth manager Eddie Howe has said a chance meeting with a Kenna League manager inspired his side’s incredible comeback against Liverpool.

Howe (pictured, right) claims he used a surprise visit by the Thieving Magpies manager before the match to deliver a stirring half-time motivational speech. His side recovered from 0-2 down to win 4-3 last weekend.

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw an actual Kenna League manager in our stadium,” Howe said of the encounter with the ‘Pies boss.

“For me, just to be working in football and managing a side in the Premier League is a joy, but to manage a team at the top of the Kenna – the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league – that’s the ultimate dream.

“I said to the lads at half time ‘we’re amongst football royalty, there’s a Kenna League manager in the stadium today. Now you get out there and show him why he should consider signing you for more than £0.5m at next August’s auction’. The rest is history,” explained Howe.

The Thieving Magpies manager, who extended his lead at the top of Kenna by 12 points this week, said it was important to support young managerial talent coming through.

“I’m an English manager in the world’s top league which – whether I want it to or not – makes me a role model to guys like Eddie,” the ‘Pies gaffer told reporters outside the Vitality Stadium.

“It’s great to see these young English guys in the game. If he works hard and brings that creativity to bear in every match, in every training session, perhaps one day Eddie will be managing in the Kenna League too. We need to support the English talent pipeline,” said the manager whose policy of signing St George’s Cross players has not always brought success.

Bournemouth midfielder Jack Wilshere once criticised the Kenna League for having too many foreigners.

At the time only four Kenna managers hailed from south of the Watford Gap, thereby qualifying as English under Wilshere’s stringent nationality test.

Kenna table week 15

Kenna table week 15 - 13 December 2016
Kenna table week 15 – 13 December 2016

Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup

1. (was 3=) Testicureds 120 (FC Testiculadew 60 / Walthamstow Reds 60)

2= (was 3=) Leeds Burqini 111 (Lokomotiv Leeds 43 / Burqini Pool Party 68)

2= (was 5=) So Good They Ate Pies Twice 111 (Thieving Magpies 63 / So Good They Named Him Twice 48)

4. (was 5=) Pikey Network Failure 98 (Pikey Scum 52 / Wandsworth Network Solutions 46)

5. (was 7) Lesbian Panda 94 (Sporting Lesbian 62 / Team Panda 32)

6. (was 10) Vauxhall Chinese Takeaway 93 (Young Boys of Vauxhall 60 / Adam Johnson Fan Club 33)

7. (was 2) Just Piss Poor 92 (Piss Poor 54 / Just Put Carles 38)

8. (was 1) Bala Monkeys 83 (Bala Rinas 48 / Northern Monkeys 35)

9. (was 11) Charlton Towers 79 (Sleptember XI 44 / Dynamo Charlton 35)

10. (was 8) The Peoples’ Front of Cowley 71 (Cowley Casuals 50 / Judean Peoples’ Front 21)

11. (was 9) Two Pegs One Hook 64 (ISIL 44 / Two Goals One Cup 20)

 

 

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Pies push past Pirates

AN ALEXIS Sanchez hat-trick this weekend helped end Islington Sports Islam & Leisure’s thirteen-week spell at the top of the Kenna.

The Chilean forward deftly chipped the goalkeeper for his third to put Thieving Magpies five points ahead of The Pirates.

ISIL striker Diego Costa found the net, got an assist and somehow managed to avoid the melee and cards being dished out in the closing stages of Saturday lunchtime’s game, but it wasn’t enough.

Surprise leaders of the Kenna from the start of the season, the Pirates have put out some increasingly mediocre team performances since the manager resisted the urge to tinker with his line up in the October transfer window.

Fans now face growing concerns more weeks of middling team totals could see their manager hit the February window with the cutlass between his teeth.

The Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup

Bala Monkeys lead the inaugural Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup after the first week.

The festive tag-team contest sees two Kenna sides paired by random draw. The best combined score over December wins the cup and free entry for into next season’s Kenna League for the highest-scoring half of the partnership.

There was early disappointment for Vauxhall Chinese Takeaway whose star player Sergio Aguero will miss four of his five games over Christmas due to suspension.

“Can I change my tag-team partner?” said the Young Boys manager after Aguero was sent off for clattering David Luiz on Saturday.

1. Bala Monkeys 69 (Bala Rinas 40 / Northern Monkeys 29)

2. Just Piss Poor 60 (Piss Poor 31 / Just Put Carles 29)

3= Testicureds 55 (FC Testiculadew 31 / Walthamstow Reds 24)

3= Leeds Burqini 55 (Lokomotiv Leeds 27 / Burqini Pool Party 28)

5= So Good They Ate Pies Twice 50 (Thieving Magpies 31 / So Good They Named Him Twice 19)

5= Pikey Network Failure 50 (Pikey Scum 27 / Wandsworth Network Solutions 23)

7. Lesbian Panda 49 (Sporting Lesbian 27 / Team Panda 22)

8. The Peoples’ Front of Cowley 42 (Cowley Casuals 29 / Judean Peoples’ Front 13)

9. Two Pegs One Hook 35 (ISIL 24 / Two Goals One Cup 11)

10. Vauxhall Chinese Takeaway 34 (Young Boys of Vauxhall 23 / Adam Johnson Fan Club 11)

11. Charlton Towers 33 (Sleptember XI 25 / Dynamo Charlton 8)

Kenna table week 14

Full scores and tables are available in The Rub.

Kenna table week 14 - 6 December 2016
Kenna table week 14 – 6 December 2016
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Kenna League rocked by historic alcohol abuse scandal

FANTASY football has been hit by shocking allegations of historic alcohol abuse going back over a decade.

Alcoholic drinks have begun to come forward to tell of their mistreatment at the hands of ‘diabolically drunk and out of control’ Kenna League managers. Victims could run into their thousands.

Throwing off the legal mantle of anonymity, one pint of lager told the media nothing was done to address irresponsible drinking, and in some cases it was actually promoted by ‘senior figures at Kenna HQ’.

“I remember being in the Old Bank of England one night in August 2005,” recalled the pint on daytime television.

“It was Wednesday when usual punters were genteel and enjoyed their drinks at a reasonable pace. We were completely unprepared for what would happen next.”

The pint said eight men entered the bar and crowded around a table to begin ‘drinking at a rather alarming pace’.

“There was ribald laughter and strange references to someone called Tomas Repka,” said the pint. “They were literally tearing through us without a second thought for our flavour or centuries-old Belgian brewing tradition.

“All they cared about was who would sign Frank Lampard. Dozens of us were left feeling used and empty afterwards.”

Emboldened by their actions, which remained unchallenged by witnesses, Kenna managers continued to abuse a multitude of alcoholic drinks with abandon over the next 10 years.

The harrowing experience of a pint of cider at a transfer window night in October 2012 shows just how unchecked the wild behaviour went.

“Oi remember being in the upstairs bar of a south London pub when one of the managers – a loud, braying, unpleasant man who looked like the Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik – shoved a large coin inside me.”

The cider told how all of a sudden another manager – ‘a Kenna committee member’ – tossed the drink back in one.

“No one spoke up about it. There was a culture of silence. It was like a Taboo. Or an Archer’s or a Barcadi Breezer. It wasn’t something people would ever consider talking about. You just had to ‘man up’ and get on with it.”

Fast forward to this summer, and tales of abuse were now intertwined with something far more sinister – trafficking.

A Czech bottle of absinthe who claims to have been abused at the auction this August said: “They make abduction me Prague, input me dark suitcase for long time.

“I very confused and disorientate. They take me dark cellar in London and leave me months.

“Then one day they take me pub. All people drunk but not yet 3pm.”

Continuing in recklessly inappropriate broken English, the absinthe told how it was poured into shot glasses and downed by managers with ‘Godless’ faces who showed no interest in its distilling process or its botanicals.

“No sugar. No spoons. They just tip down me like water. I simple feel shame.”

Confronted with allegations of historic abuse outside Kenna HQ this morning, the league chairman stonewalled the scandal.

“I’ve been at every single auction and transfer window since the Kenna was founded and I have never seen anyone so much as touch a drop of alcohol. We’re a responsible fantasy football league.

“We’ve always organised league activity in public places for the convenience of managers. If they were pubs I’m the last to know about it. I think some of the venues had bars, I really can’t recall.” said the man in charge of the self-proclaimed ‘world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league’.

“I can tell you now these allegations being reported are categorically untrue. There’s no way the Kenna League would encourage such abominable activity as punishment shots for breaking auction rules, all-day drinking sessions, all-night drinking sessions, pub crawls or champagne binges during a heatwave.

“Of course, we will be commissioning an independent inquiry to find out where these stories are coming from. That is if this intense media scrutiny doesn’t blow over in a few days.”

Eric Bristow was unavailable for comment.

Kenna table week 13

Full scores are available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 13 - 29 November 2016
Kenna table week 13 – 29 November 2016

Narcozep group stage – after three rounds

Narcozep Cup - 29 November 2016
Narcozep Cup – 29 November 2016

 

 

 

 

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Kenna’s first ever cash-plus-player deal

MANUEL Lanzini and Stewart Downing became the first footballers in Kenna League history to be part of a cash-plus-player deal, it has emerged.

Two managerial debutants unwittingly made the transaction at last month’s transfer window to set a new precedent, which has left one of them is left with egg on his face.

Attending his maiden transfer night the Two Goals One Cup manager rung the changes releasing five players including the 1.5-points-per-week Lanzini.

The So Good They Named Him Twice manager couldn’t make the window so released the 2.75-points-per-week Stewart Downing and bid via broadcasting app Periscope.

While So Good signed Lanzini for £8m, Two Goals picked up Downing for twelve.

They have effectively conducted the league’s first cash-plus-player deal – Lanzini plus £4m for Downing.

Since then ‘makeweight’ Lanzini has pulled up his socks to score at 2.7-points-per-week.

Downing has slowed considerably to an average of 1.9.

“Well, well. This is troubling,” said the Two Goals One Cup manager this morning outside the club’s Rimmer’s Way stadium.

Downing: his sorrows

For Kenna veterans, it was little surprise to see Stewart Downing become the first player take part in such an arrangement.

Managers under pressure or looking for quick wins at transfer windows regularly use Downing as a scapegoat.

In just over five years, the winger has been signed on 10 separate occasions by Kenna managers.

That includes a term when he was unavailable in the second tier, and another when his August employer naffed off around the world for a few months without bothering to conduct any transfer business for the rest of season.

It’s also not the first record Downing’s set. In the 2013/14 season he is believed to have become the first player to appear for three different clubs.

Narcozep Cup group stage – after two rounds

Narcozep Cup standings - 22 November 2016
Narcozep Cup standings – 22 November 2016

 

Kenna table – week 12

Full scores and tables can be downloaded from The Rub.

Kenna table week 12 - 22 November 2016
Kenna table week 12 – 22 November 2016
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#NotMyChairman

PROTESTS have erupted all over London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league after growing discontent with its leadership boiled over.

Under the hashtag #NotMyChairman and burning blazers in a mark of dissent, managers in the Kenna League are trying to oust the chairman, claiming the need to ‘Make The Kenna Great Again’.

“He’s out of touch. It used to be you got a weekly update which was witty and relevant. Now it’s just whatever chaff comes into his head too long after the event,” said the Lokomotiv Leeds manager at a demonstration outside the club’s Bellend Road stadium.

“There’s been no news on group fixtures for the Narcozep Cup. I’m 17th in the league and I still have convicted paedophile Adam Johnson in my midfield. I need a decent cup run,” said the Piss Poor manager from the rolled down passenger window of a Range Rover parked behind a Chinese restaurant.

“He hasn’t even updated the teams after the October transfer window. If Duncan Watmore or Sofiane Boufal gets an assist I’m looking at the Kenna site, I haven’t got a clue who’s signed them. I’m in a mid-table dogfight, for crying out loud,” chanted the Burqini Pool Party manager before assuring Dubai police his protest was nothing to do with UAE authorities.

“Last week the chairman posted a report about looking for dick in the Polish forest. That really isn’t my kind of thing. I’m a classy guy,” said the manager of Two Goals One Cup.

Factions in the Kenna HQ boardroom were quick to use the unrest to intensify an ongoing power struggle for the top job.

“The chairman has been in charge for too long,” said the Young Boys manager, who is also league vice-chairman.

“Times were any murmurs from managers were quickly put down by a wet team from the league’s fearsome manager experiences department. But these days the chairman is losing his grip.

“The Kenna HQ Fritzl Suite once struck terror into the hearts of any manager. Now the chairman’s using it to make homemade quince vodka.

“Quince! I ask you! The time to strike is now!”

Kenna table week 11

For more detailed scores visit The Rub.

Kenna table week 11 - 8 November 2016
Kenna table week 11 – 8 November 2016
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The ‘dzik’ of it

ASTERIX is to blame for my fascination with hunting wild boar.

But with neither the resources nor connections, converting the Gaul’s exploits remained a daydream since childhood. Until I married a Pole.

It turns out my wife’s cousins in northern Poland are big hunters, so while visiting on the weekend I was invited along as an observer in their search for wild boar, or ‘dzik’ (pronounced ‘jeek’ in English).

Joining the party at 7am, the guns and beaters lined up to go through formalities, draw cards from a hat to decide where they would stand for each drive and be serenaded by a hunting horn.

The first couple of drives were dry, but the weather was bright and the lack of prey was small concern to anyone being fed shots of Jagermeister in the back of an Opel Frontera.

Then on the last drive before lunch standing on a track with cousin we heard a rustling ahead in the brush. All of a sudden five ‘dzik’ scurried into view 30 yards to our right. Dark, wet, hairy and not quite fast enough.

A quarter of an hour and much excitement later the whole party was standing around a wild boar being gutted. A fir branch placed in its mouth. Its blood ritually smeared on cousin’s forehead.

After an appropriate repast of ‘dzik’ and cabbage stew the second half of the day was more lively. Cries of ‘dzik! dzik!’ from beaters far off in the undergrowth. More scurrying swine. A short ceremony to celebrate the day’s victories.

Then the real drinking started.

Anyone who has played a drinking game called Centurions will be familiar with the format of a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. It felt like we were playing that with vodka.

Having polished off two bottles between six people we went to drop off the day’s haul in the town cold room.

The time it took to hang the meat was ample to see off another bottle.

Things get hazy after that.

Kenna table week 10

Kenna table week 10 - 1 November 2016
Kenna table week 10 – 1 November 2016
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ISIL manager swaps blunder for plunder

WORRIED Kenna managers are expressing disbelief over the continued dominance of Islington Sports Islam & Leisure in the league this season.

Eight weeks in and the ISIL boss maintains a healthy gap over the chasing pack, set to claim his third Manager of the Month award in a row.

Head-scratching opponents are at a loss as to how to catch a side with in-form Diego Costa (£27m), Laurent Koscielny (£16m), Nathan Redmond (£13m) and Kelechi Iheanacho (£7m).

They are even more perplexed the ISIL manager is yet to muff it up.

“It’s an utter mystery,” said every Kenna League manager who’s ever met the Somali in the competitive fantasy football arena. “I thought in the first couple of weeks he was just jammy and he would soon slip up, but ISIL are still top.

“At the transfer window this month he made no changes. No changes! He was on pints of haram too. This is most unprecedented.”

Stories of the Somali’s auction and transfer window gaffes are in abundance.

His shock resignation halfway through the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction after Brambling three times in a row remains one of the lowest points of gentlemanly conduct since the Kenna was established in 2005.

In February last year, the Somali’s transfer window tactics were so wild he ended the night with two disgraced Rotherham councillors in his ranks.

In a press conference this morning at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the ISIL manager lifted the lid on his approach.

“Dominance in ye Kenna be like dominance in ye Levant or dominance in ye Indian Ocean. It be about extremism, plunder and not letting ye parents find out you’ve eaten pork scratchings during Ramadan.”

Kenna table week 9

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 9 - 25 October 2016
Kenna table week 9 – 25 October 2016
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‘League K’ – the local authority’s part in its downfall

HARINGEY Council is facing fresh allegations of endemic social care failings this week after details emerged of a severely neglected fantasy football league in the London borough.

The fantasy football league – known for legal reasons as ‘League K’ – was found locked in a cellar at an address in North London.

League K had not been updated for more than two weeks, was hungry, dehydrated and showed signs of physical abuse.

Haringey police and social workers are still trying to track down the man they believe responsible, known only as ‘the chairman’.

Rumours abound of the chairman’s reckless, alcohol-fuelled lifestyle. He was last seen at the League K transfer window two weeks ago.

Sources inside the local authority suggest League K’s recent neglect was due to the chairman become involved with another drunken fantasy football league.

One League K manager, who wished to remain anonymous, said: “We saw the chairman forcing people to drink chilli liquor at the transfer window a couple of weeks of ago, but he’s been a phantom since.

“There’s been no post-transfer window report, no league updates and no cup fixtures posted. I don’t know who anyone else signed, I don’t know where my team is in the table and I don’t know who I’m facing in the cup.

“This must be due to systemic failure on behalf of the local authority.”

Grainy footage of ‘the chairman’s’ last public appearance

Kenna table week 8

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 8 - 17 October 2016
Kenna table week 8 – 17 October 2016

 

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Kenna manager ‘work shy like junior doctors’

A KENNA League manager stands accused of ‘being a bigger job dodger than a junior doctor’ after failing to release players ahead of tomorrow’s first transfer window.

Judean Peoples’ Front was one of six clubs not to submit transfer requests to Kenna HQ this week.

“At 10th in the league you’d think the JPF boss would want to do business but he’s obviously been hanging around a junior doctor so long the lack of work ethic has caught on,” said the chairman in reference to the Welsh manager’s spouse.

“He’s probably outside where he’s supposed to be working making an awful din while his chances of a maiden Kenna title die choking on their own blood in the operating room surrounded by shrugging hospital porters.”

Under league rules, the JPF manager can make one wildcard release during tomorrow night’s auction.

Nine managers collected the £10m transfer bonus by sending their released players by post to Kenna HQ this week. A further six got £5m each for emailing them.

With £26.5m Burqini Pool Party head into tomorrow night’s window with the second biggest chest, no doubt covered by a controversial combination of lycra and religion.

An available player list will be emailed to managers ahead of the window.

The central London transfer night venue is yet to be decided.

Released players, remaining budgets

  1. Sleptember XI =32.5
  2. Burqini Pool Party – Pied, Darmian +10+16.5=26.5
  3. Tactical Brambler – Stuart Hall, Cathcart, Hojbjerg +10+13.5=23.5
  4. The treasurer – Mignolet, Mark Bridger, Bojan +10+13=23
  5. The chairman – Funes Mori, Adomah, Enner Valencia +10+12=22
  6. Cowley Casuals – Mannone, Mertesacker, Flannagan, Remy +10+9.5(ave)=19.5
  7. Wandsworth Network Solutions – Rahman, Wollschied, Sakho +10+9.5(ave)=19.5
  8. Young Boys – Baines, Routledge, Jimmy Savile, Rhodes +5+14=19
  9. Dynamo Charlton – Yoshida, Masauku, Deulofeu +10+8.5=18.5
  10. So Good They Named Him Twice – Moreno, Downing +10+8=18
  11. Sporting Lesbian =17
  12. Walthamstow Reds – Chilwell, Ake, Gabriel, Brunt, Nasri, Affelay +5+9.5(ave)=14.5
  13. Pikey Scum – Ayala, Depay, Feghouli, Okazaki +5+9.5(ave)=14.5
  14. Lokomotiv Leeds – Long, Borini +5+8=13
  15. Two Goals One Cup – Hart, Neil Taylor, Janssen, Lanzini, Wickham +10+2.5=12.5
  16. ISIL – none +10+0.5=10.5
  17. Just Put Carles =9.5
  18. Thieving Magpies – Vorm +5+4=9
  19. Team Panda – Gomis +5+2.5=7.5
  20. Piss Poor =6.5
  21. Northern Monkeys =2
  22. Judean Peoples’ Front =1

Kenna table week 7 – 4 October 2016

Kenna table week 7 - 4 October 2016
Kenna table week 7 – 4 October 2016
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