August 2016 – The Jeff Kenna League

Lokomotiv Leeds 2016/17

All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Leeds)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Home ground: Bellend Road

Training facility: The Train Shed

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.294 – 3rd
2011/12 – 2nd
2012/13 – 7th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 4th
2015/16 – 14th

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Bicycle Race – Queen

Starting XI – August auction

Valdes, V	MID	£4.00
Mustafi	DEF	£5.00
Shawcross, R	STO	£0.50
Lovren, D	LIV	£0.50
Willian	CHE	£13.00
Ayew, A	WHM	£12.00
Mkhitaryan, H	MUN	£21.00
Lamela, E	TOT	£10.00
Borini, F (sold TW1)	SUN	£2.00
Long, S (sold TW1)	SOT	£9.00
Wilson, C	BOU	£15.00
		£92.00

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (18th)

In
Matthew Lowton – Burnley defender – £0.5m
Marc Albrighton – Leicester City midfielder – £4m

Out
Fabio Borini – Sunderland striker – free
Shane Long – Southampton striker – sold for £0.5m to Cowley Casuals

Formation: 4-5-1
Remaining budget: £9m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (17th)

In
Marco Gabbiadini – Southampton striker – £15m

Out
Marc Albrighton – Leicester City striker – free

Formation: 4-5-1
Remaining budget: £4m

Bala Rinas 2016/17

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – league treasurer)

Home ground: Bala Park

Training facility: Tutu Lake

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.47 – 7th
2007/08 – 12th (relegated)
2011/12 – 8th
2012/13 – 13th
2013/14 – 3rd
2014/15 – 3rd
2015/16 – 3rd

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Starting XI – August auction

Mignolet, S (sold TW1)	LIV	£0.50
Dann, S	CRY	£4.00
Soares, C	SOT	£5.00
Ogbonna, A (sold TW2)	WHM	£4.00
Evans, J	WBA	£0.50
Bridger, M (sold TW1)	HMP Kenna	£16.50
Fer, L (sold TW2)	SWA	£4.00
Cazorla, S (sold TW2)	ARS	£4.00
Deeney, T	WAT	£16.00
Kane, H	TOT	£32.00
Krkic, B (sold TW1)	STO	£0.50
		£87.00

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (4th)

In
Claudio Bravo – Manchester City goalkeeper – £0.5m
Leighton Baines – Everton defender – signed for £18m from Young Boys of Vauxhall
Ngolo Kante – Chelsea midfielder – £0.5m

Out
Simon Mignolet – Liverpool goalkeeper – free
Mark Bridger – HMP Kenna midfielder – free
Bojan Krkic – Stoke City striker – free

Formation: 5-3-2
Remaining budget: £4m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (10th)

In
Darren Randolph – West Ham goalkeeper – £0.5m
Luciano Narsingh – Swansea midfielder – £2m
Kamil Grosicki – Hull midfielder – £0.5m
Wayne Rooney – Man United striker – £0.5m (from Judean Peoples’ Front)

Out
Claudio Bravo – Man City goalkeeper – free
Angelo Ogbonna – West Ham defender – free
Santi Cazorla – Arsenal midfielder – free
Leroy Fer – Swansea midfielder – free

Formation: 4-4-2
Remaining budget: £10.5m

Piss Poor 2016/17

Sucking it in: The Piss Poor manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Guillotine Way

Training facility: The Coop

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.641 – 20th
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th
2015/16 – 18th (relegated)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Hala Madrid y nada mas

Starting XI – August auction

Stekelenburg, M	EVE	£5.00
Sagna, B	MCY	£5.00
Cresswell, A	WHM	£3.00
Vertonghen, J	TOT	£10.00
Johnson, A (TW2)	HMP Kenna	£21.00
Mane, S	LIV	£22.00
Zaha, W	CRY	£8.00
Ibe, J	BOU	£6.00
Januzaj, A	SUN	£4.00
Berahino, S	WBA	£9.00
Welbeck, D	ARS	£0.50
		£93.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (16th)

No changes.

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (20th)

In
Scott Arfield – Burnley midfielder – £0.5m

Out
Adam Johnson – HMP Kenna midfielder – free

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £6m

Team Panda 2016/17

Manager: George (Bromley)

Since: 2013

Home ground: Bamboo Avenue

Training facility: Certain Extinction

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest finish – 6th)

Kenna Index rating: TBC
2013/14 – 6th
2014/15 – 12th
2015/16 – 13th

Sympathies: Millwall

Darts music: True Love Ways – Buddy Holly

Starting XI – August auction

Hennessey, W	CRY	£1.00
Coleman, S	EVE	£11.00
Klavan, R	LIV	£4.00
Kompany, V	MCY	£8.00
Drinkwater, D	LEI	£5.00
Dier, E	TOT	£7.00
Arnautovic, M	STO	£15.00
Fabregas, C	CHE	£20.00
Gomis, B (TW1)	MAR	£0.50
Rashford, M	MUN	£5.00
Giroud, O	ARS	£22.00
		£98.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (20th)

In
Hal Robson-Kanu – West Brom striker – £0.5m

Out
Bafetimbi Gomis – Marseille striker – free

Formation: 3-4-3
Remaining budget: £7m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (19th)

In
Saido Berahino – Stoke striker – £0.5m

Out
Hal Robson-Kanu – West Brom striker – free

Formation: 3-4-3
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Thieving Magpies 2016/17

England till he dies: Piedmonte manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co founder)

Home ground: Tinfoil Street

Training facility: The Wheelbarrow

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.519 – 11th
2005/06 – 3rd
2006/07 – 2nd
2007/08 – 11th
2008/09 – 5th
2009/10 – 11th
2010/11 – 7th
2011/12 – 18th (relegated)
2012/13 – 4th
2013/14 – 2nd
2014/15 – 14th
2015/16 – 9th

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Great Escape – the England Band

Starting XI – August auction

Vorm, M (TW1)	TOT	£0.50
Smalling, C	MUN	£9.00
Jagielka, P	EVE	£7.00
Francis, S	BOU	£5.00
Payet, D	WHM	£28.00
Sanchez, A	ARS	£29.00
Toure, Y	MCY	£5.00
Lallana, A (TW2)	LIV	£2.00
Pedro	CHE	£2.00
Rondon, S	WBA	£8.00
Vokes, S	BUR	£0.50
		£96.00

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (2nd)

In
Eldin Jakupovic – Burnley goalkeeper – £3m

Out
Michel Vorm – Spurs goalkeeper – free

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £6m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (1st)

In
Niang – Watford striker – £2m

Out
Adam Lallana – Liverpool midfielder – free

Formation: 3-4-4
Remaining budget: £14m

Northern Monkeys 2016/17

Manager: Hugo (Tyneside)

Twitter name: @Hugeist

Since: 2012

Home ground: Cobbled Way

Training facility: The Outhouse

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Kenna Index rating: TBC
2012/13 – 12th
2013/14 – 14th
2014/15 – did not enter
2015/16 – 10th

Sympathies: Newcastle

Darts music: Northern Calypso – Hale & Pace

Starting XI – August auction

Myhill, B	WBA	£0.50
Morgan, W	LEI	£9.00
Williams, A	EVE	£8.00
Stones, J	MCY	£11.00
Wilshere, J	BOU	£0.50
Alli, D	TOT	£23.00
Pogba, P	MUN	£23.00
Fischer, V	MID	£0.50
Carroll, A	WHM	£13.00
Ighalo, O	WAT	£9.00
Baston	SWA	£0.50
		£98.00

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (15th)

No changes.

Formation: 3-4-3
Remaining budget: £2m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (16th)

No changes.

Formation: 3-4-3
Remaining budget: £2m

Just Put Carles 2016/17

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Home ground: Camp de la Independencia

Training facility: The Farmhouse

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 5th in 2012/13)

Kenna Index rating: 0.604 – 16th
2010/2011 – 9th
2011/12 – 14th
2012/13 – 5th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 17th
2015/16 – 17th

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Remaining budget: £9.5m (did not attend auction, average remaining budget of managers who did)

Starting XI – August auction

Foster, B	WBA	£0.50
Wimmer, K	TOT	£0.50
Tomkins, J	CRY	£0.50
Byram, S	WHM	£0.50
Kone, L	SUN	£0.50
Navas, J	MCY	£0.50
Lingard, J	MUN	£0.50
Ox-Chamberlain, A	ARS	£0.50
Cuadrado, J	JUV	£0.50
Balotelli, M	NIC	£0.50
Ulloa, L	LEI	£0.50
		£5.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (22nd)

No changes.

Formation: 4-4-2
Remaining budget: £9.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (22nd)

No changes.

Formation: 4-4-2
Remaining budget: £9.5m

Sporting Lesbian 2016/17

Sloth: The Sporting Lesbian manager

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name: @BenMarcangelo

Since: 2012

Home ground: Todger Dodger Street

Training facility: The Dyke

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2012/13 and 2014/15

Kenna Index rating TBC
2012/13 – 1st
2013/14 – 8th
2014/15 – 1st
2015/16 – missed auction due to washing machine delivery

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Lesbian Seagull – David van Driessen

Starting XI – August auction

Robles, J	EVE	£0.50
van Dijk, V	SOT	£7.00
Rose, D	TOT	£9.00
Reid, W	WHM	£5.00
Cahill, G	CHE	£10.00
Ramsey, A	ARS	£10.00
Sane, L	MCY	£12.00
Herrera, A	MUN	£0.50
Benteke, C	CRY	£12.00
Musa, A	LEI	£13.00
Afobe, B	BOU	£4.00
		£83.00

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (21st)

No changes.

Formation: 4-3-3
Remaining budget: £17m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (6th)

No changes.

Formation: 4-4-3
Remaining budget: £17m

Burkinis v budgie smugglers

Small-town officials from the French Riviera are protesting outside Kenna HQ in a bid to get title hopefuls Burkini Pool Party removed from the competition.

More than 20 French mayors in Speedos have created a fake beach outside Jeff House and are playing petanque and the pointless bat and ball game until the Kenna League team is disqualified or has their name changed to Budgie Smuggler Pool Party.

“Every contour of the testicles or camel toe should be observed at all times either at the beach or by the pool. These Burkinis are unhygienic and morally inappropriate,” raged the mayor of Cannes David Lisnard as parents passing by shielded their children’s eyes from the sight of his skimpy swimwear.

The debate was sparked when a Burkini Pool Party pre-season friendly against Nice earlier this month was interrupted by armed French police.

Surrounded, the BPP first eleven were forced to strip to their underwear at gunpoint.

Back in England for the start of the football season the issue was thought to be forgotten, until an angry mob of 300 French people marched on the side’s Deep End training facility.

Chants of ‘Vive le budgie!’ and ‘Hell, no, we want toe!’ were only silenced when the police deployed tear gas.

This week’s protest looks set to continue for the foreseeable future. Police threats to send in water canon only heightened fears more French people in tiny trunks would join the demonstration.

Interviewed outside the club’s Koran Koran stadium today, the Burqini Pool Party manager was puzzling over pedantry.

“Personally, I don’t see why the Kenna is spelling Burqini Pool Party with a ‘q’ rather than a ‘k’ like everyone else.”

The manager, who was relegated at the helm of Hairy Fadjeetas last season, is hoping to improve on his string of mid-to-lower-table finishes.

The side are in 12th position going into the international break.

Kenna table – week 3

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - 30 August 2016 - week 3 — Kenna table – 30 August 2016 – week 3

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Burqini Pool Party 2016/17

Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @Br15land

Since: 2011

Home ground: Koran Koran

Training facility: Deep End

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.576 – 15th
2011/12 – 15th
2012/13 – 9th
2013/14 – 13th
2014/15 – 10th
2015/16 – 17th (relegated)

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts music: Inner Circle – Sweat

Starting XI – August auction

Mandanda, S (TW1)	CRY	£ 2.00
Clyne, N	LIV	£ 11.00
Darmian, M (TW1)	MUN	£ 0.50
Clichy, G	MCY	£ 6.00
Pied, J (TW1)	SOT	£ 0.50
Antonio, M	WHM	£ 3.00
Sigurdsson, G	SWA	£ 10.00
Eriksen, C	TOT	£ 19.00
Mirallas, K	EVE	£ 8.00
Cook, L (TW1)	BOU	£ 0.50
Vardy, J	LEI	£ 23.00
		£ 83.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (11th)

In
Bill Cosby – HMP Kenna goalkeeper – ?
Martin Kelly – Crystal Palace defender – £0.5m
Harry Arter – Bournemouth midfielder – £0.5m
Lucas Perez – Arsenal striker – £6m

Out
Steve Mandanda – Crystal Palace goalkeeper – Bramble
Matteo Darmian – Manchester United defender – free
Jeremy Pied – Southampton defender – free
Lewis Cook – Bournemouth midfielder – free

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £19.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (7th)

In
Lee Grant – Stoke goalkeeper – £0.5m
Sebastian Prodl – Watford defender – £2m
Jay Rodriguez – Southampton striker – £17m

Out
Bill Cosby – HMP Kenna goalkeeper – free
Martin Kelly – Crystal Palace defender – free
Lucas Perez – Arsenal striker – free

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £10m

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