December 2016 – The Jeff Kenna League

Swann: I witnessed Kenna alcohol abuse

FORMER England cricketer Graeme Swann has said he saw alcohol being abused by Kenna League managers just two months ago.

The revelation comes three weeks after alcoholic drinks broke legal anonymity to make allegations in the media of historic alcohol abuse at Kenna auctions and transfer nights over the last decade.

Swann, who took 255 test wickets, believes he witnessed three league managers abusing drinks at a free bar on the Strand, including two high-ranking officials from Kenna HQ.

“Everyone was having a quiet drink but these three were planted at the bar ordering round after round, and on a Monday night too. At the time you think ‘is this normal?'” said Swann.

“It’s pretty disgusting. What went on is not normal behaviour. When you hear the stories of all-day drinking sessions without eating and bottles of absinthe trafficked from Eastern Europe… you look back at it now and think ‘hang on, what was going on?’.

The incident followed ‘Graeme Swann’s Great British Spin Off with Henry Blofeld’ at the Duchess Theatre in Covent Garden in October.

Three Kenna managers and their entourage attended a VIP event with Swann and Blofeld after the show (pictured, above), where they are reported to have consumed more than the recommended daily allowance.

Challenged by the media at a press conference outside Kenna HQ this morning, the chairman tried to deflect the scandal.

“That was Graeme Swann?” he shrugged. “Oh…this is going to be awkward. I thought it was Peter Such.”

Kenna League week 16

Islington Sports Islam & Leisure‘s steady decline continued this week as they sunk to third place.

Waiting in the wings while twirling his moustache, the manager of FC Testiculadew leapt into second place ably assisted by a 21-point haul from striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

For full scores and results visit The Rub.

Kenna table week 16 - 20 December 2016 — Kenna table week 16 – 20 December 2016

Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup

1. (was 1) Testicureds 259 (FC Testiculadew 143 / Walthamstow Reds 116)

2. (was 2=) So Good They Ate Pies Twice 235 (Thieving Magpies 130 / So Good They Named Him Twice 105)

3. (was 5) Lesbian Panda 221 (Sporting Lesbian 145 / Team Panda 76)

4. (was 2=) Leeds Burqini 219 (Lokomotiv Leeds 86 / Burqini Pool Party 133)

5. (was 6) Vauxhall Chinese Takeaway 214 (Young Boys of Vauxhall 145 / Adam Johnson Fan Club 69)

6. (was 9) Charlton Towers 184 (Sleptember XI 107 / Dynamo Charlton 77)

7. (was 4) Pikey Network Failure 181 (Pikey Scum 98 / Wandsworth Network Solutions 83)

8. (was 7) Just Piss Poor 178 (Piss Poor 111 / Just Put Carles 67)

9. (was 8) Bala Monkeys 169 (Bala Rinas 91 / Northern Monkeys 78)

10. (was 10) The Peoples’ Front of Cowley 160 (Cowley Casuals 103 / Judean Peoples’ Front 57)

11. (was 11) Two Pegs One Hook 129 (ISIL 74 / Two Goals One Cup 55)

Howe: Kenna manager visit inspired Liverpool fightback

AFC Bournemouth manager Eddie Howe has said a chance meeting with a Kenna League manager inspired his side’s incredible comeback against Liverpool.

Howe (pictured, right) claims he used a surprise visit by the Thieving Magpies manager before the match to deliver a stirring half-time motivational speech. His side recovered from 0-2 down to win 4-3 last weekend.

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw an actual Kenna League manager in our stadium,” Howe said of the encounter with the ‘Pies boss.

“For me, just to be working in football and managing a side in the Premier League is a joy, but to manage a team at the top of the Kenna – the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league – that’s the ultimate dream.

“I said to the lads at half time ‘we’re amongst football royalty, there’s a Kenna League manager in the stadium today. Now you get out there and show him why he should consider signing you for more than £0.5m at next August’s auction’. The rest is history,” explained Howe.

The Thieving Magpies manager, who extended his lead at the top of Kenna by 12 points this week, said it was important to support young managerial talent coming through.

“I’m an English manager in the world’s top league which – whether I want it to or not – makes me a role model to guys like Eddie,” the ‘Pies gaffer told reporters outside the Vitality Stadium.

“It’s great to see these young English guys in the game. If he works hard and brings that creativity to bear in every match, in every training session, perhaps one day Eddie will be managing in the Kenna League too. We need to support the English talent pipeline,” said the manager whose policy of signing St George’s Cross players has not always brought success.

Bournemouth midfielder Jack Wilshere once criticised the Kenna League for having too many foreigners.

At the time only four Kenna managers hailed from south of the Watford Gap, thereby qualifying as English under Wilshere’s stringent nationality test.

Kenna table week 15

Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup

1. (was 3=) Testicureds 120 (FC Testiculadew 60 / Walthamstow Reds 60)

2= (was 3=) Leeds Burqini 111 (Lokomotiv Leeds 43 / Burqini Pool Party 68)

2= (was 5=) So Good They Ate Pies Twice 111 (Thieving Magpies 63 / So Good They Named Him Twice 48)

4. (was 5=) Pikey Network Failure 98 (Pikey Scum 52 / Wandsworth Network Solutions 46)

5. (was 7) Lesbian Panda 94 (Sporting Lesbian 62 / Team Panda 32)

6. (was 10) Vauxhall Chinese Takeaway 93 (Young Boys of Vauxhall 60 / Adam Johnson Fan Club 33)

7. (was 2) Just Piss Poor 92 (Piss Poor 54 / Just Put Carles 38)

8. (was 1) Bala Monkeys 83 (Bala Rinas 48 / Northern Monkeys 35)

9. (was 11) Charlton Towers 79 (Sleptember XI 44 / Dynamo Charlton 35)

10. (was 8) The Peoples’ Front of Cowley 71 (Cowley Casuals 50 / Judean Peoples’ Front 21)

11. (was 9) Two Pegs One Hook 64 (ISIL 44 / Two Goals One Cup 20)

Pies push past Pirates

AN ALEXIS Sanchez hat-trick this weekend helped end Islington Sports Islam & Leisure’s thirteen-week spell at the top of the Kenna.

The Chilean forward deftly chipped the goalkeeper for his third to put Thieving Magpies five points ahead of The Pirates.

ISIL striker Diego Costa found the net, got an assist and somehow managed to avoid the melee and cards being dished out in the closing stages of Saturday lunchtime’s game, but it wasn’t enough.

Surprise leaders of the Kenna from the start of the season, the Pirates have put out some increasingly mediocre team performances since the manager resisted the urge to tinker with his line up in the October transfer window.

Fans now face growing concerns more weeks of middling team totals could see their manager hit the February window with the cutlass between his teeth.

The Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup

Bala Monkeys lead the inaugural Roque Santa Claus Christmas Cup after the first week.

The festive tag-team contest sees two Kenna sides paired by random draw. The best combined score over December wins the cup and free entry for into next season’s Kenna League for the highest-scoring half of the partnership.

There was early disappointment for Vauxhall Chinese Takeaway whose star player Sergio Aguero will miss four of his five games over Christmas due to suspension.

“Can I change my tag-team partner?” said the Young Boys manager after Aguero was sent off for clattering David Luiz on Saturday.

1. Bala Monkeys 69 (Bala Rinas 40 / Northern Monkeys 29)

2. Just Piss Poor 60 (Piss Poor 31 / Just Put Carles 29)

3= Testicureds 55 (FC Testiculadew 31 / Walthamstow Reds 24)

3= Leeds Burqini 55 (Lokomotiv Leeds 27 / Burqini Pool Party 28)

5= So Good They Ate Pies Twice 50 (Thieving Magpies 31 / So Good They Named Him Twice 19)

5= Pikey Network Failure 50 (Pikey Scum 27 / Wandsworth Network Solutions 23)

7. Lesbian Panda 49 (Sporting Lesbian 27 / Team Panda 22)

8. The Peoples’ Front of Cowley 42 (Cowley Casuals 29 / Judean Peoples’ Front 13)

9. Two Pegs One Hook 35 (ISIL 24 / Two Goals One Cup 11)

10. Vauxhall Chinese Takeaway 34 (Young Boys of Vauxhall 23 / Adam Johnson Fan Club 11)

11. Charlton Towers 33 (Sleptember XI 25 / Dynamo Charlton 8)

Kenna table week 14

Full scores and tables are available in The Rub.