Small-town officials from the French Riviera are protesting outside Kenna HQ in a bid to get title hopefuls Burkini Pool Party removed from the competition.
More than 20 French mayors in Speedos have created a fake beach outside Jeff House and are playing petanque and the pointless bat and ball game until the Kenna League team is disqualified or has their name changed to Budgie Smuggler Pool Party.
“Every contour of the testicles or camel toe should be observed at all times either at the beach or by the pool. These Burkinis are unhygienic and morally inappropriate,” raged the mayor of Cannes David Lisnard as parents passing by shielded their children’s eyes from the sight of his skimpy swimwear.
The debate was sparked when a Burkini Pool Party pre-season friendly against Nice earlier this month was interrupted by armed French police.
Surrounded, the BPP first eleven were forced to strip to their underwear at gunpoint.
Back in England for the start of the football season the issue was thought to be forgotten, until an angry mob of 300 French people marched on the side’s Deep End training facility.
Chants of ‘Vive le budgie!’ and ‘Hell, no, we want toe!’ were only silenced when the police deployed tear gas.
This week’s protest looks set to continue for the foreseeable future. Police threats to send in water canon only heightened fears more French people in tiny trunks would join the demonstration.
Interviewed outside the club’s Koran Koran stadium today, the Burqini Pool Party manager was puzzling over pedantry.
“Personally, I don’t see why the Kenna is spelling Burqini Pool Party with a ‘q’ rather than a ‘k’ like everyone else.”
The manager, who was relegated at the helm of Hairy Fadjeetas last season, is hoping to improve on his string of mid-to-lower-table finishes.
The side are in 12th position going into the international break.
First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (11th)
In
Bill Cosby – HMP Kenna goalkeeper – ?
Martin Kelly – Crystal Palace defender – £0.5m
Harry Arter – Bournemouth midfielder – £0.5m
Lucas Perez – Arsenal striker – £6m
Out
Steve Mandanda – Crystal Palace goalkeeper – Bramble
Matteo Darmian – Manchester United defender – free
Jeremy Pied – Southampton defender – free
Lewis Cook – Bournemouth midfielder – free
Formation: 3-5-2 Remaining budget: £19.5m
Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (7th)
In
Lee Grant – Stoke goalkeeper – £0.5m
Sebastian Prodl – Watford defender – £2m
Jay Rodriguez – Southampton striker – £17m
Out
Bill Cosby – HMP Kenna goalkeeper – free
Martin Kelly – Crystal Palace defender – free
Lucas Perez – Arsenal striker – free
ISLINGTON Sports Islam & Leisure are riding the crest of a wave having gone top of the Kenna League in the second week of the season.
Goals from Diego Costa and Gareth McAuley, and clean sheets from four of the side’s back five see ISIL two points above the nearest challengers.
Should the Pirates carry their form into this weekend the boss could collect the campaign’s first manager of the month award, but there are fears this is virgin territory for a team more used to the relegation zone.
“Yarrrrr! This be where I be at my finest,” reassured the Somali during this afternoon’s press conference at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.
“The hands of Neptune stroking my hull, my vessel getting battered all over, a sea monster with the fire of hell in its eyes: I survived Tinder dates worse then ye could ever countenance. The Kenna be a duck pond compared.
“I be going by the seat of me pants and riding out the storm as I do usual,” he said, drawing concerned looks from the club’s executive hierarchy.
Two-times league winners FC Testiculadew are close in second despite having Titus Bramble forfeit player – and convicted paedophile – Stuart Hall in midfield.
Asked how his side remained so competitive with 10 men, the manager’s response was absolute.
First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (1st)
No changes.
Formation: 4-3-3
Remaining budget: £10.5m
Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (4th)
In
Barry Bennell – HMP Kenna midfielder – £7m
Adlene Guedioura – Middlesborough midfielder – £2m
Daniel Sturridge – Liverpool striker – £8m
Out
Gigi Wijnaldum – Liverpool midfielder – lost on a Bramble
Kelechi Iheanacho – Man City striker – free
Joshua King – Bournemouth striker – £13m to Walthamstow Reds
THE Kenna chairman’s unrelenting commitment to running the world’s best London-pub based fantasy football league has been proved once again this week.
Just three days after putting on the league’s 12th annual auction, the chairman was in Prague testing out auction venues. It was here he made a remarkable discovery.
“I visited a bar on the old town, which boasts the best kept Pilsner Urquell in the city,” said the chairman. “And let me tell you, what a pint! As smooth and fresh as Ryan Giggs in the closing stages of a family get together.”
Brewed at nearby Plzen, Pilsner Urquell became the world’s first pilsner when Bavarian pioneers of lager worked with Czech brewers.
“Like cheddar cheese, pilsner is the most common variety of its type in the world,” opined the chairman after a couple.
“But like cheddar cheese, pilsner’s quality varies wildly and sadly most of it bland as hell. This pilsner is the original and the best.”
Kenna HQ wonks are claiming the discovery has more than vindicated the chairman’s decision to reduce prize money this year.
“The chairman is as pioneering as those early brewers,” said a source at Kenna HQ. “An auction in Prague would take the league to the next level.”
Questions are being asked whether the Young Boys manager can handle the pressure of defending his Kenna League title after a dramatic auction meltdown yesterday (13 August).
Towards the end of proceedings the Young Boys boss took exception to a forfeit by the league treasurer, who lost midfielder Eden Hazard and half of the £33m paid for him.
“Let me say this. I will take this punishment right now, but for the future, for the good of the Kenna and it’s integrity this needs to change!” exclaimed the Young Boys manager as part of 10-minute rant.
The treasurer had been penalised for going over budget. Under the Titus Bramble ruling his most expensive player – Hazard – was removed and replaced with alcoholic Welsh paedophile Mark Bridger.
The Young Boys manager’s argument ran the treasurer would benefit from Brambling so late in the auction, by taking an additional £16.5m into October’s transfer window.
Until 2012 managers losing a player ‘on a Bramble’ received their full value back.
In response to the acrimonious tactical Brambling incident four years ago, league rules changed so half the value of a forfeit player was confiscated. According to the Young Boys manager, this is not discouragement enough.
“Should we all just be tactical Bramblers? What happened? This used to be such a dignified event,” he spluttered amongst much finger waving as the rest of the league quietly waited for it to pass so they could get on with the auction (1 minute in, below).
