Year: 2016

Boumsong auction overshadowed by De Gea allegations

IT wasn’t quite one of David De Gea’s nonconsensual sex parties, but Jean-Alain Boumsong fantasy Euros auction organisers were pleased with Friday night’s event.

News of De Gea’s alleged indiscretions rocked managers early doors. The chief concerns were whether he would start for Spain, and whether managers who knew about the revelations could keep it from those who did not.

In the end, Wandsworth Window Lickers would have the last laugh. Unsure why he was picking up the goalkeeper for a paltry £3m, the WWL manager saw De Gea collect his first clean sheet of the Boumsong earlier this afternoon.

Thomas Muller was the evening’s most expensive player. The Sporting Lesbians manager snapped him up for £40m.

Ronaldo (£39m) was the second priciest player, bought by L’Horn d’Afrique.

Immediately after managers watched him score on the Hoop and Grapes balcony television set, Olivier Giroud became the evening’s third most expensive signing.

The Frenchman was signed by the Democratic Republic of Young Boys manager for £34m.

Harry Kane was the evening’s most valuable Englishman. Sadly, for the Cowley Caliphate manager there are no points for bad corners.

A total of 12 managers congregated for the four-hour auction. The treasurer followed the auction live on Periscope.

More than 160 other Periscope users tuned into the action, before realising it was just a bunch of blokes in the pub, drinking heavily in replica international shirts.

A bit like Marseille before Russians with fireworks and balaclavas turned up.

Boumsong auction sales – by value

Lot number PlayTeamPos Manager Team Name Cost £m
46 Muller, T – GER – STR Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 40
16 Ronaldo, C – POT – STR Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 39
74 Giroud, O – FRA – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 34
21 Kane, H – ENG – STR Stu Cowley Caliphate 30
43 Rooney, W – ENG – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 29
49 Hazard, E – BEL – MID Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 29
6 Lukaku, R – BEL – STR James N FC TesticuladewLand 25
72 Ozil, M – GER – MID Ben D Blame Canada 25
62 Lewandowski, R – POL – STR Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 24
7 de Bruyne, K – BEL – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 23
79 Pogba, P – FRA – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 23
51 Silva, D – ESP – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 22
185 Silva, D – ESP – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 22
13 Morata, A – ESP – STR Stix Napoleon Dynorod 20
19 Alli, D – ENG – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 20
131 Nolito – ESP – STR Kike Asturius FC 20
134 Rami, A – FRA – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 20
47 Bale, G – WAL – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 19
88 Griezmann, A – FRA – STR James N FC TesticuladewLand 19
39 Ibrahimovic, Z – SWE – STR Jorge Barco FC 18
45 Pique, G – ESP – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 18
5 Koscielny, L – FRA – DEF Kike Asturius FC 17
17 Chiellini, G – ITA – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 17
26 Vardy, J – ENG – STR Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 17
28 Alba, J – ESP – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 17
11 Hamsik, M – SVK – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 16
40 Rakitic, I – CRO – MID Kike Asturius FC 16
48 Neuer, M – GER – GK James N FC TesticuladewLand 16
53 Ramos, S – ESP – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 16
89 Gomez, M – GER – STR Stu Cowley Caliphate 16
92 Gotze, M – GER – MID Kike Asturius FC 16
31 Kroos, T – GER – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 15
91 Perisic, I – CRO – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 15
126 Bonucci, L – ITA – DEF Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 15
155 Juanfran – ESP – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 15
4 Hummels, M – GER – DEF Jorge Barco FC 14
24 Payet, D – FRA – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 14
30 Hector, J – GER – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 14
42 Courtois, T – BEL – GK Jorge Barco FC 14
57 Boateng, J – GER – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 14
10 Modric, L – CRO – MID Jorge Barco FC 13
12 Nani – POT – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 13
37 Sturridge, D – ENG – STR Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 13
56 Alderweireld, T – BEL – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 13
61 Shaqiri, X – SUI – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 13
123 Fellaini, M – BEL – MID Pete B Real Brexit 13
161 Alcantara, T – ESP – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 13
22 Buffon, G – ITA – GK Ben D Blame Canada 12
34 Dzyuba, A – RUS – STR Pete B Real Brexit 12
64 Arnautovic, M – AUT – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 12
121 Mertens, D – BEL – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 12
136 Alli, D – ENG – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 12
1 Iniesta, A – ESP – MID Stu Cowley Caliphate 11
9 Coman, K – FRA – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 11
15 Mertens, D – BEL – MID Stu Cowley Caliphate 11
29 Darmian, M – ITA – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 11
66 Alaba, D – AUT – MID Ben D Blame Canada 11
68 Evra, P – FRA – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 11
70 Sterling, R – ENG – MID Jorge Barco FC 11
75 Patricio, R – POT – GK Kike Asturius FC 11
86 Mandzukic, M – CRO – STR Stix Napoleon Dynorod 11
97 Milik, A – POL – STR Ben D Blame Canada 11
107 Lichtsteiner, S – SUI – DEF Stu Cowley Caliphate 11
2 Pelle, G – ITA – STR Jorge Barco FC 10
3 Chester, J – WAL – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 10
41 Janko, M – AUT – STR Lewis I can be you euro baby 10
44 Walker, K – ENG – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 10
55 Vertonghen, J – BEL – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 10
71 De Sciglio, M – ITA – DEF Kike Asturius FC 10
78 Casillas, I – ESP – GK Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 10
82 Smalling, C – ENG – DEF Lewis I can be you euro baby 10
93 Sigurdsson, G – ICE – MID Pete B Real Brexit 10
112 Candreva, A – ITA – MID Stu Cowley Caliphate 10
133 Edwards, D – WAL – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 10
144 Lallana, A – ENG – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 10
173 Calhanoglu, H – TUR – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 10
33 Stones, J – ENG – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 9
52 Rose, D – ENG – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 9
63 Moutinho, J – POT – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 9
73 Cech, P – CZE – GK Jack Up Yours Delors 9
77 Sagna, B – FRA – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 9
81 Vermaelen, T – BEL – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 9
83 Fabregas, C – ESP – MID Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 9
85 Hart, J – ENG – GK Stix Napoleon Dynorod 9
100 Howedes, B – GER – DEF Lewis I can be you euro baby 9
76 Busquets, S – ESP – MID Pete B Real Brexit 8
94 Turan, A – TUR – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 8
130 Rodriguez, R – SUI – DEF Pete B Real Brexit 8
8 El Shaarawy, S – ITA – STR Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 7
20 Srna, D – CRO – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 7
98 Rosicky, T – CZE – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 7
106 Soares, C – POT – DEF Stu Cowley Caliphate 7
108 Skrtel, M – SVK – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 7
142 Draxler, J – GER – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 7
60 Aduriz, A – ESP – STR Jorge Barco FC 6
109 Quaresma, R – POT – MID Jorge Barco FC 6
14 Shevchuk, V – UKR – DEF Pete B Real Brexit 5
27 Yarmolenko, A – UKR – STR James N FC TesticuladewLand 5
32 Long, S – IRL – STR Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 5
54 Martial, A – FRA – STR Stu Cowley Caliphate 5
58 Cahill, G – ENG – DEF James N FC TesticuladewLand 5
59 Ramsey, A – WAL – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 5
65 Williams, A – WAL – DEF Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 5
69 Limbersky, D – CZE – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 5
87 Pepe – POT – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 5
104 Akinfeev, I – RUS – GK Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 5
113 Glik, K – POL – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 5
145 Khedira, S – GER – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 5
152 McCarthy, J – IRL – MID Kike Asturius FC 5
25 Khacheridi, Y – UKR – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 4
38 Matuidi, B – FRA – MID Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 4
102 Fuchs, C – AUT – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 4
103 Silva, R – POT – MID Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 4
138 Pekarik, P – SVK – DEF Jorge Barco FC 4
18 de Gea, D – ESP – GK Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 3
80 Stancu, B – RMN – STR Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 3
95 Koke – ESP – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 3
111 Coleman, S – IRL – DEF Stu Cowley Caliphate 3
118 Blaszczykowski, J – POL – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 3
119 Seferovic, H – SUI – STR Jack Up Yours Delors 3
148 Djourou, J – SUI – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 3
150 Danilo – POT – DEF Pete B Real Brexit 3
67 Granqvist, A – SWE – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 2
84 Lloris, H – FRA – GK Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 2
96 Tatarusanu, C – RMN – GK Pete B Real Brexit 2
114 Krychowiak, G – POL – MID Jorge Barco FC 2
116 Fabianski, L – POL – GK Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 2
132 Florenzi, A – ITA – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 2
149 Schar, F – SUI – DEF Jorge Barco FC 2
158 Forsberg, E – SWE – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 2
23 Insigne, L – ITA – STR Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 1
35 Kaderabek, P – CZE – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 1
36 Yilmaz, B – TUR – STR Ben D Blame Canada 1
50 Lafferty, K – NIR – STR Pete B Real Brexit 1
90 Origi, D – BEL – STR Kike Asturius FC 1
105 De Rossi, D – ITA – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 1
124 Prodl, S – AUT – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 1
137 De Rossi, D – ITA – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 1
139 Konoplyanka, Y – UKR – MID Ben D Blame Canada 1
140 Almer, R – AUT – GK Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 1
160 Denayer, J – BEL – DEF Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 1
177 Kovacic, M – CRO – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 1
99 Olsson, M – SWE – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 0.5
101 Podolski, L – GER – STR Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
110 Walters, J – IRL – STR Jack Up Yours Delors 0.5
115 Keane, R – IRL – STR Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 0.5
117 Barzagli, A – ITA – DEF Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
120 Evans, J – NIR – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
122 Inan, S – TUR – MID Pete B Real Brexit 0.5
125 Pyatov, A – UKR – GK Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 0.5
127 Sivok, T – CZE – DEF Kike Asturius FC 0.5
128 Sanches, R – POT – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
129 Kokorin, A – RUS – STR Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 0.5
135 Dier, E – ENG – MID Kike Asturius FC 0.5
141 Nainggolan, R – BEL – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 0.5
143 Okotie, R – AUT – MID Kike Asturius FC 0.5
146 Shirokov, R – RUS – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
147 Schweinsteiger, B – GER – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
151 Dragovic, A – AUT – DEF Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
153 Hennessey, W – WAL – GK Stu Cowley Caliphate 0.5
154 Guerreiro, R – POT – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
156 Mario, J – POT – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
157 Berg, M – SWE – STR Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 0.5
159 Mignolet, S – BEL – GK Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
162 Rashford, M – ENG – STR Pete B Real Brexit 0.5
163 Taylor, N – WAL – DEF Lewis I can be you euro baby 0.5
164 Mangala, E – FRA – DEF Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
165 Chiriches, V – RMN – DEF Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
166 Nemec, A – SVK – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
167 Alves, B – POT – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 0.5
168 Alves, B – POT – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 0.5
169 Rat, R – RMN – DEF Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
170 Larsson, S – SWE – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 0.5
171 Weiss, V – SVK – MID Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
172 Harnik, M – AUT – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
174 Klein, F – AUT – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 0.5
175 Xhaka, G – SUI – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
176 Mehmedi, A – SUI – STR Ben D Blame Canada 0.5
178 Subasic, D – CRO – GK Lewis I can be you euro baby 0.5
179 Kalinic, N – CRO – STR Stix Napoleon Dynorod 0.5
180 Silva, A – POT – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 0.5
181 Corluka, V – CRO – DEF James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
182 Piszczek, L – POL – DEF James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
183 Zielinski, P – POL – MID Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
184 Sigthorsson, K – ICE – STR Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
186 Dzsudzsak, B – HUN – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
187 Kucka, J – SVK – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
188 Nemec, A – SVK – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
189 Ward, J – NIR – STR Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
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Analysis: The secret of international success

ANYONE seeking success in a Euros fantasy auction this week will be beset by the same questions.

Who will start for their country? Who will carry their club form into the tournament? Who will be the star player sneaking under the radar of other managers?

Perhaps most importantly, how will the enlarged host of players in the tournament affect how the traditional targets of goalkeepers, wing backs, attacking midfielders and strikers score points?

For managers taking part in this Friday’s 2016 Jean-Alain Boumsong European Cup all these concerns are equally relevant, with the addition of two added challenges.

First, each manager is only allowed to buy one player per country. Second, a new rule means each manager for the first time has a choice of formations.

Also bear in mind, for the first time this summer players scoring in penalty shoot outs will pick up points.

As managers wade through the newspaper and football website previews which have sprung up in the last few days, in some cases the most comprehensive ever seen before a major tournament, how do they ascertain who will earn them coveted international glory?

In an attempt to learn from previous competitions, the winning teams from the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup, the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup and the 2014 Emerson World Cup can be found below.

What do the last three winners of major football tournaments have in common?

All their players scored

From Leo Messi’s 43 points in 2014 to Charisteas’ mere two points in 2010, all the players in winning teams at least started a game. The only winning team to contain a top points scorer was The Eurosceptics in 2012 with Jordi Alba.

The average score of a winning player across all three competitions is 15.36. This is equivalent to four starts, a goal and assist, or three starts and a goal and clean sheet.

All had two players in the final

In 2010 and 2012, the winning teams had one defensive player and one attacking player in the final. In 2014, Testiculadew Land had two of the attacking players of the tournament in the final. There are only three players to be knocked out in the semi finals in all three teams.

All had between three and five players to exit at the group stage

With just an auction and no opportunity for transfers, winning teams have seen up to half their players exiting after the first three matches. The average score for each player is around eights points. Three starts and a goal, clean sheet or assist would easily achieve this.

On average, each striker made up 4.5 per cent of the team’s total score, each midfielder eight per cent, each defender eight per cent and the goalkeeper 12 per cent

Comparatively, goalkeepers contribute more to the team than players in other positions.

Bruno Alves featured in two of the last three winning teams

Alves himself appears to have moved on to a career in kung fu. Nevertheless, this type of player, who regularly and unspectacularly goes into the knockout stages for less than £5m, represents good value.

2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup
Winning team: Nelson’s Column
Manager: Stix
Total points: 171

Nelsons Column - 2010
Nelsons Column – 2010

2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup
Winning team: The Eurosceptics
Manager: Alex
Total points: 157 (final table)

The Eurosceptics - 2012
The Eurosceptics – 2012

2014 Emerson World Cup
Winning team: Testiculadew Land
Manager: James N
Total points: 179 (final table)

Testiculadewland - 2014
Testiculadewland – 2014

 

 

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Boumsong declares war on ‘clipboard managers’

LONDON’S most prestigious Euros fantasy football competition will eradicate what it calls ‘clipboard management’, according to organisers.

More penalty drinks, variable formations and a mystery player draw are all being introduced to the 2016 Jean-Alain Boumsong European Cup auction to create an environment where ‘managers must fly by the seat of their pants’.

“Managers should be making impulse decisions, bidding on instinct and relying on their wits alone. I wouldn’t say they’ve become too wily – no one could make that accusation of any of this shower – but they have become too cautious,” said the chairman at a press conference this morning, in reference to a growing trend which prompted crisis talks in the upper echelons of Kenna HQ in February.

A marked decrease in managers triggering the league’s draconian forfeit procedure – the Titus Bramble ruling – has been observed over the last few domestic Kenna League events.

New rules announced for the Boumsong are being seen by many as a way of bringing more entertainment to the competition.

“The last two domestic auctions have seen slow bidding as managers hold up the auction checking stats on their cursed clipboards. Few managers are Brambling themselves and ‘Bramble Hour’ has disappeared completely,” continued the chairman in reference to the stage in an auction when alcohol begins to get the better of people’s judgement.

“Just compare that to the Olisabede.”

One manager Brambled himself so many times he resigned halfway through the evening, another began Brambling himself on purpose and everyone nearly came to blows. The chairman was, of course, referring to the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction that took place four years ago yesterday.

He was eager to point out he was not condoning the dark art of tactical Brambling. League legislation since 2012 has seen the practice all but wiped out.

Nevertheless, those present at the last Euros auction recall how the atmosphere changed after everyone downed a shot of tequila.

“We will introduce more official shot drinking to the Boumsong to impede decision making,” decreed the chairman, slamming both his fist on the table and a glass of Mezcal.

In addition to a round of shorts just before the start of the auction, organisers confirmed everyone present will neck another drink when England striker Jamie Vardy is introduced to bidding by the random player generator.

“He’s having a party,” explained the chairman, refilling his glass.

Further rule changes dictate anyone Brambling will have to buy a shot for themselves and for the manager who bought the preceding player. Both managers cannot take part in the auction again until they’ve seen off those draughts.

Another source of confusion will be the introduction of variable team formations.

Having traditionally prescribed a 4-4-2 or 4-3-3 formation, organisers have finally bowed to the tactical flexibility that sees many international sides play with less strikers.

Managers will now have the choice of 4-3-3, 4-4-2, 4-5-1, 5-3-2, 5-4-1, 3-5-2 or 3-4-3. Formations do not have to be declared in advance, but participants should remember only one player of each nationality is permitted in each team.

There must be enough in the £100m managerial budget to spend at least £0.5m on each signing too.

Finally, there were hints at the press conference of a mystery player draw. Details are scant, mainly because the chairman was beginning to lose his grip on the day.

“Yous jusss have to way nnn seee. Kuntz, facking Kuntz,” slurred the chairman, in what everyone politely took as a nod to either the auction dress code or the international meanderings of Jack Wilshere.

The auction will take place on the evening of Friday 10 June in the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, scene of last August’s Kenna auction.

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Season review – Welsh flag on top for second time

CHRIS Smalling did his best to rain on the parade but in the end Young Boys of Vauxhall cruised to their second Kenna League title.

A red card for the defender was a rare blot on an otherwise excellent season for the Welshman’s side, which saw him join Young Boys Riyad Mahrez, Romelu Lukaku and Nacho Monreal in breaking individual scores of 150 points.

Lukaku broke 200 points some weeks ago before taking an early summer, which left the door ajar for Walthamstow Reds.

A Midlands Miracle was unforthcoming, and the Wulfrunian manager contrived to lose out on the title while beating a strong spring showing from the Bala Rinas side of the treasurer – MOTM in March and April.

Or should we say the Bala Rinas of the treasurer’s auction second? With no transfers made at either window, the decisions made on that warm August afternoon on the balcony of the Hoop & Grapes, including the insubordinate signature of David De Gea, made the difference.

At the helm of his own club, the treasurer’s second promises to be a formidable foe next season.

Another one to watch carefully is the defending Euros champion and manager of Dynamo Charlton, who ploughed their usual furrow of consistency to claim fourth. The manager’s preference for keeping a low profile and a longer-term strategy bore fruit.

Seven of his August signatures broke 100 points, and his dependable and unglamorous recruitment policy saw only £15m spent on six of those, leaving enough in the bank to cherry pick Anthony Martial at the October window.

Pikey Scum won their second cup, but lost out on fifth place on goals scored in the last week to the mercurial rise of Just Put Carles.

Sitting 15th in January, Harry Kane’s 234 points, more than 150 each from Alexis Sanchez and Cesc Fabregas, and tons from Alberto Moreno and Patrick van Aanholt saw the red and yellow Senyera flying higher in the Kenna than it was in the Vicente Calderon.

On the subject of flags, the Jolly Roger of the league’s Somali representative is planted above the relegation zone for the first time in three seasons.

An all-too-common diary mix up in August saw the Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager make seven changes to his automatically-generated side at the October window.

A rare administrative error at Kenna HQ saw ISIL field the wrong goalkeeper until January, when Heurelho Gomes was rightfully restored. The backlog of points saw ISIL jump seven places in the league. A further six transfers in February had the club in a familiar tailspin for the rest of the campaign.

Hairy Fadjeetas, Headless Chickens and Uncertain failed to capitalise on such incompetence. Their absolute lack of transfer activity in February hints at situations too dismal to contemplate.

In particular Headless Chickens, whose manager saw fit to field Sergio Ramos for the duration of the season.

An honourable mentions goes to the Wandsworth Network Solutions manager, who scooped three MOTMs in a row over winter with Ayoze Perez up front.

Prize money

Young Boys – Champions (£150), October MOTM (£12.50) = £162.50

Pikey Scum – Narcozep Cup winners (£75) = £75

Bala Rinas – third place (£25), September, March and April MOTMs (£37.50) = £62.50

Walthamstow Reds – runners up (£50) = £50

Wandsworth Network Solutions – December, January and February MOTMs (£37.50)

Dynamo Charlton – Wenger Trophy (£12.50), August MOTM (£12.50) = £25

Just Put Carles – May MOTM (£12.50) = £12.50

Judean Peoples’ Front – November MOTM (£12.50) = £12.50

Final Kenna table and form guide – 2015/16

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League table and form guide 2015/16
Kenna League table and form guide 2015/16

Weekly scores

Weekly scores 38 - 2015/16
Weekly scores 38 – 2015/16
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Smalling own goal form Reds’ only hope

WILLIAM Gallas once made the infamous threat to pump balls into his own net unless his transfer request was granted.

It would take Chris Smalling to perform a similar stunt 12 times on Saturday for Young Boys to be denied their second Kenna League championship by Walthamstow Reds.

Coming into the last couple of weeks of the season with an outside chance of winning the double, Reds also lost their Narcozep Cup final with Pikey Scum by three points.

“F*ck b0ll0cking b0ll0cks,” said the Reds manager outside the club’s ground The Old Dog Track.

Both Young Boys and Pikey Scum win their respective silverware for the second successive time.

Young Boys won their maiden league title in 2011. Pikey Scum won the Canesten Combi Cup in 2008.

“If I was coming to the pub tonight to watch the Europa League final I would mainly be gloating,” said the Young Boys manager, silently concerned about Smalling’s form after a second own goal of the campaign last night.

The treasurer looks set to take third place in the league, overcoming his deep misgivings of his August auction second’s policy.

With one match remaining of the season, most managers have already turned to preparations for the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros auction next month.

Narcozep Cup final – result

Walthamstow Reds 23 – 26 Pikey Scum

Pikey Scum win the Narcozep Cup

Kenna League table – week 37

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 37 - 18 May 2016
Kenna table – week 37 – 18 May 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Andrew D 40 2
2 Uncertain Pete B 40 2
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 3
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 29 3
5 KS West Green Stix 28 1
6 Team Panda George 26 4
7 Pikey Scum Jack 26 1
8 Cowley Casuals Stu 25 2
9 Carles Carles 25 1
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 0
11 Newington Reds Ben D 23 0
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 20 1
13 Thieving Magpies Phil 17 0
14 Headless Chickens John N 14 1
15 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 1
16 ISIL Abdi 13 0
17 FC Tescticuladew James N 12 0
18 Judean People’s Front Sholto 11 0
19 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 9 1
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Giroud, O – ARS – STR
Club Team Panda
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As unpredictable as Macedonian taxis

TWO assists from Philippe Coutinho and a Jermaine Defoe goal put Kenna title challengers Walthamstow Reds to within 25 points of leaders Young Boys this week.

The smart money is very much still on Young Boys, who have a superior goal count and the only likely starter next weekend of the two sides: Chris Smalling.

The Walthamstow Reds manager will have likely resigned himself to another league second place considering the club have more chance of silverware elsewhere.

The Narcozep Cup final against Pikey Scum, whose manager along with the Reds boss is another Kenna co-founder and committee member, promises to be a ding dong battle.

The Scum manager is looking for his second cup win, having claimed the Canesten Combi Cup in 2008. Whether Memphis Depay, Emmanuel Adebayor and the rest of the team can outperform Reds like they did by two points last weekend remains to be seen.

Taking time from his official visit to the Balkans, where it turns out the Hairy Fadjeetas manager really has been checking for teeth, the chairman said: “As many players already have one foot on the beach or one eye on next month’s Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros, the only thing we can predict about Sunday is it will unpredictable. A bit like trying to book a taxi in the Skopje.”

 

Narcozep Cup final this Sunday

Walthamstow Reds v Pikey Scum

Kenna table – week 36

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 36 - 12 May 2016
Kenna table – week 36 – 12 May 2016

Weekly scores

Kenna weekly scores - week 36 - 12 May 2016
Kenna weekly scores – week 36 – 12 May 2016
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Chairman organises piss up in brewery. Twice.

BEAVERTOWN Brewery could become the new Kenna HQ local after the chairman was spotted drinking there two weekends in a row.

The unorthodox choice is thought to stem from the delicious, cheap beer, which helps visitors overlook they’re spending the best Saturday weather of the year so far in an industrial estate carpark in Tottenham.

Sources close to the chairman say he’s tempted to make the craft beer warehouse a regular haunt.

News the chairman’s head has been turned will come as a blow to Kenna August auction venue hopeful The Westbury in N22.

Just 10 minutes’ walk from Kenna HQ and serving well-kept Brooklyn Lager, The Westbury was widely tipped to become the first pub outside zone 1 to host the auction.

Beavertown’s unusual opening hours – Saturdays only from 2pm to 8pm – are a perfect fit for the Kenna auction, but the lack of rain cover, lack of Sky Sports, lack of hooks under the bar, lack of optics and lack of Scotch egg options are all negatives.

The chairman’s successful organisation of two piss ups in a brewery is being seen as a poke in the chest to those in the Kenna committee who question his abilities to run the league.

“So long as that’s the only place he’s poking us,” said the Young Boys manager.

The chairman refused to be drawn on the subject at this morning’s press conference.

He would only confirm this week’s points would be counted on Thursday, to leave Sunday’s matches alone deciding the Narcozep Cup final between Pikey Scum and Walthamstow Reds.

The latter club made no dent in Young Boys’ lead over the weekend. Reds striker Jermaine Defoe’s performance on Wednesday night is now being touted as the manager’s final throw of the dice in his hunt for a maiden Kenna title, and possibly The Double.

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The chairman’s new clothes

ENTRANTS to a fantasy football Euro 2016 auction should turn up in replica football shirts celebrating the competition, it was announced today.

At a press conference this morning, organisers of the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros auction said managers should wear shirts ‘recognising players and teams who have enhanced our experience of the European Cup’.

“As for my shirt, for me, when I think of Germany winning the Euros in England 20 years ago, I think Kuntz,” the chairman told stunned journalists.

The comment was part explained when the chairman unveiled the shirt he would be wearing to the auction in early June: the number 11 Stefan Kuntz Germany shirt from Euro 96.

“Everyone has a Kuntz,” he went on oblivious. “A player, a team, a moment which has shaped their memories of the competition.

“You say to me: van Basten’s volley, Poborsky’s scoop, Zidane’s control, Gazza’s magic, Villa’s hat trick, Zlatan’s flick, Pirlo’s pinpoint accuracy, Figo’s comeback and Suker’s lob.

“And I say to you: Dutch Kuntz, Czech Kuntz, French Kuntz, English, Kuntz, Spanish Kuntz, Swedish Kuntz, Italian Kuntz, Portuguese Kuntz and Croatian Kuntz.”

When one reporter asked if managers at the auction – decked out in all these different football shirts – would end up looking like ‘a bunch of Kuntz’, the chairman looked slightly bemused.

“Well, that’s a pretty crude way of putting it, but yes, I suppose in that sense they will,” he replied, warming to the analogy. “But not a bunch of Kuntz, I’d say it’ll be more like a festival or carnival of Kuntz.”

Taking place on the evening of Friday 10 June at the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, the Boumsong auction will see up to 20 managers battling it out to sign their eleven players for the tournament.

Managers can only sign one player of each nationality. They will have the added challenge of the opening match of the tournament France v Romania being played on television at the same.

In the domestic league this week, Andros Townsend and Jermaine Defoe both found the net to help Walthamstow Reds cut Young Boys‘ lead by another eight points to 38.

Kenna table – week 35

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 35 - 3 May 2016
Kenna table – week 35 – 3 May 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 39 3
2 Pikey Scum Jack 39 0
3 Northern Monkeys Hugo 36 4
4 Newington Reds Ben D 31 2
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 27 2
7 Uncertain Pete B 24 3
8 Headless Chickens John N 24 1
9 FC Tescticuladew James N 24 1
10 Young Boys Andrew D 23 1
11 Thieving Magpies Phil 22 2
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 21 1
13 Carles Carles 18 1
14 ISIL Abdi 17 2
15 KS West Green Stix 17 1
16 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
17 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 13 0
18 Team Panda George 13 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Mane, S – SOT – MID
Club Cowley Casuals
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A week in the life of the Kenna title race

For the first time since 2008 the Kenna title race is mildly interesting.

Having led the league since 17 September – that’s 29 weeks – Young Boys are trying hard to fluff their lines.

Chasers Walthamstow Reds have hit form at the tail end of the season, which this week saw them shave some points from the leaders and earn the manager a juicy Narcozep Cup final place against fellow Kenna committee member and league co-founder the Pikey Scum manager.

Young Boys started the week 49 points ahead, which was immediately cut last Tuesday night when Andros Townsend was the only player of the two sides to start.

On Wednesday, Reds cut the lead further when Matteo Darmian got the defender’s Shanghai of a clean sheet, a goal and an assist (marred by a yellow card) and Philippe Coutinho scored. Once lauded, John Stones had a shocker.

In response, a Chris Smalling clean sheet was the highlight for Young Boys, as Romelu Lukaku and Emmanuel Emenike continued their dry spells, and Jordan Ibe failed to make an impact as a sub.

Mesut Özil’s early summer holiday was again in evidence on Thursday. He could only turn up for Reds. Meanwhile, Young Boys picked up a clean sheet from Nacho Monreal.

Injury to Reds striker Jonathan Walters meant Saturday didn’t get going in the battle until after the lunchtime fixture. Townsend was on hand with an assist for Reds, who edged the afternoon session over Young Boys: Ibe and Marc Pugh made appearances of sorts and Fraser Forster twice picked the ball out of his net.

It all fell apart for Young Boys on Saturday evening. Inside 20 minutes Smalling scored an own goal and Lukaku missed a penalty. The Kenna Whatsapp group lit up.

Things were rosier for the league leaders on Sunday. Riyad Mahrez pounced and Monreal picked up a clean sheet, as did Kasper Schmeichel for Reds. Jermaine Defoe failed to do more than appear for the chasers. Özil flip-flopped around.

Finally, Monday night saw Young Boys’ second own goal of the week. Perpetrator Craig Dawson made amends with a goal at the other end, but it was a night the Young Boys manager will probably want to forget.

After all that, Reds only managed to take three points from Young Boys’ lead, pegging it back to 46.

The Reds manager will have to conjure a lot more from his side in the last three weeks of the season to be in with the chance of a maiden double. After 11 years without a trophy, the Narcozep Cup could be enough.

Narcozep Cup semi final second leg results

Lokomotiv Leeds 21 (53) – 32 (58) Pikey Scum
Dynamo Charlton 47 (66) – 45 (76) Walthamstow Reds

Final on 17 May: Walthamstow Reds v Pikey Scum

Kenna table – week 34

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 34 - 26 April 2016
Kenna table week 34 – 26 April 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Carles Carles 67 2
2 FC Tescticuladew James N 59 3
3 Bala Rinas Lewis 54 2
4 Thieving Magpies Phil 53 3
5 Dynamo Charlton Alex 47 2
6 Newington Reds Ben D 45 2
7 Young Boys Andrew D 42 2
8 Northern Monkeys Hugo 40 3
9 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 38 1
10 KS West Green Stix 36 2
11 Uncertain Pete B 34 2
12 Pikey Scum Jack 32 0
13 Headless Chickens John N 27 1
14 Cowley Casuals Stu 26 1
15 Team Panda George 25 1
16 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 21 0
17 ISIL Abdi 17 0
18 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 0
Points Player
Player of the week 18 Tadic, D – SOT – MID
Club FC Tescticuladew
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The worst team of the year, according to the stats

FOLLOWING publication of the PFA team of the year, the Daily Telegraph has posted the worst team of 2015/16.

Always keen to identify the the biggest gaffes by Kenna League managers, we’ve assessed each player.

Goalkeeper – Simon Mignolet (KS West Green)

DT said: Sometimes seems like an easy target but the stats don’t do him any favours at all.

Has the second-worst save percentage in the Premier League this season, saving just 60 per cent of the shots on target he has faced, while he has also made three errors leading to opposition goals, costing Liverpool a total of six points against Norwich, West Brom and Sunderland.

Without those mistakes Liverpool would be a point off fourth with a game in hand.

Kenna season: Signed by the chairman for £9m, the Belgian has broken the 100-point mark, bettering the likes of Brad Guzan, Lukasz Fabianski, Adrian.

Defender – Alan Hutton (unsigned)

DT said: Wins have been extremely rare for Aston Villa this season, but they have been non-existent with Hutton on the field.

He has made 25 appearances and Villa have won none of those games. Without him they have three wins from nine.

Oh, and he scored two own goals.

Kenna season: Even Kenna managers have learnt not to touch ‘The Scottish Cafu’ with a bargepole.

Defender – Micah Richards (Team Panda)

micah-richards-football-gettyimages-479350018_3321334DT said: Was meant to add experience, stability and steel to the Villa defence but has done quite the opposite. The awful team he has captained have conceded 48 goals in the 22 games he has played; that’s 2.2 goals per game with him compared to 1.4 without him.

Neither is good enough but Richards has basically managed to make Villa worse.

Kenna season: The Pandas manager hasn’t made any transfers since signing Richards for £6m at the August auction for a return of 52 points.

Defender – Sebastian Coates (unsigned)

DT said: Was a mainstay for the first half of the season in the defence of a team that was giving Aston Villa a real run for its money as late as the end of November.

The only thing of note Coates did in his 16 appearances was score the above own goal. He was then deemed surplus to requirements, which is quite an achievement in a defence as leaky as Sunderland’s.

Kenna season: The once-promising Uruguayan was ignored by Kenna managers.

Midfielder – James McClean (unsigned)

DT said: Far from the most popular man in English football, McClean has rather had a season to forget.

In a Tony Pulis team where crosses are so important, McClean has attempted a whopping 182 crosses, but 141 have failed to find a team-mate. He only has two assists to his name all season.

Kenna season: Hasn’t appeared in a Kenna team since finishing midtable with PSV Mornington in 2012/13.

Midfielder – Jonjo Shelvey (Dynamo Charlton)

Jonjo Shelvey ITVDT said: Shelvey could have been a shrewd purchase at £12 million, but is starting to look like a complete waste of money.

He has scored just one goal from 56 shots all season and looks unfit at present. It speaks volumes that it isn’t all that surprising that Newcastle have improved since he was dropped.

Kenna season: Snapped up for £0.5m in August by Dynamo and a regular starter until the last few weeks, although 40 points isn’t much to shout about.

Midfielder – Gareth Barry (Wandsworth Network Solutions)

DT said: Barry has been a solid Premier League player for years on end, but is perhaps starting to look a little off the pace.

He doesn’t provide his defence with enough protection, and has made more mistakes leading to an opposition chance than any other player in the top flight this season. People are talking about a potential change at the top at Goodison Park but perhaps one is needed at their heart.

Kenna season: A return of 61 points so far this term could be considered ample for the £0.5m August price tag.

Midfielder – Jack Grealish (Young Boys of Vauxhall)

DT said: Thought he had the world at his feet before this season and did not realise the hard work he needs to put in to become the player he can be.

Scored in September and then failed to add another goal or assist for the whole season. Villa have lost every single game he has appeared in.

Kenna season: The £3m August signing was carried by the league leaders until the February transfer window, where he was realised on a free.

Midfielder – Eden Hazard (Northern Monkeys)

Eden Hazard - aj1634 from Flickr

DT said: The only thing anywhere near as surprising as Leicester’s title charge is how woefully bad Chelsea and their player of the season from last year, Eden Hazard, have been.

Hazard has produced a grand total of zero goals and three assists across 26 appearances this season and just looks like he wants out of the club. His heart isn’t in it any more.

Kenna season: At £39m Hazard was one of the most expensive players at the August auction. The Monkeys manager has kept faith in the Belgian, which has gone emphatically unrewarded.

Striker – Emmanuel Adebayor (Pikey Scum)

DT said: Earns over £100k-a-week yet has scored just a single goal since signing for Crystal Palace, who have won only one league game this year – a game in which Ade played no part.

Kenna season: Overlooked until the February transfer window when the Scum boss took a punt for an undisclosed fee. Has been chugging along at a respectable 2.8 points a week since and on the verge of a Narcozep Cup final appearance.

Striker – Cameron Jerome (Northern Monkeys and Headless Chickens)

DT said: Only a handful of players has had more ‘clear cut’ chances this season than Jerome, yet he has only three goals to his name.

A striker who doesn’t score. Now that’s exactly what a team fighting the drop need.

Kenna season: The half-million-pound signing scored just 18 points for Northern Monkeys before flogging him on for the same fee.

Was bought by the Chickens manager to replace Ronaldo when a rumoured move to England didn’t materialise. Jerome’s contribution of 50 points has not been enough to steer Chickens from almost certain relegation.

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