Year: 2017

Killing time in West Pomerania

THE Berlin to Poznan train was fully booked.

Rather than shelling out for first class the next morning, the Kenna League chairman opted for a more roundabout route through Szczecin (or Stettin if you’re Teuton) and a maiden voyage into the region of West Pomerania.

The journey included onward travel so of course, the big question was: how do you kill 90 minutes in West Pomerania?

One of the nearest pubs to the Szczecin station was Irish.

It was the Friday before Christmas. Unlike Godless Brits, Poles view advent as a time of reflection rather than Prosecco and photocopied private parts. It was late afternoon and the majority of West Pomeranians were soberly going about their business.

The street was called Kaszubska, named after a region in Pomerania to the east. A few steps descent into the Irish Pub Dublin, the chairman walked into decor straight from the Guinness catalogue.

Dark wood, low lighting and mirrors with stout brands. The barman wasn’t Irish, a surprise to result in a clumsy exchange which left the barman quite certain the customer was English.

This may account for what happened next.

Settling down at a table with his pint of Pomeranian-brewed Kasztelan, the chairman all of a sudden heard the music stop. What would they put on the welcome the leader of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league?

‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ sang a rabble to the five punters in the pub. Then a beat, then lots of men effing and jeffing about West Ham. Oh dear, it was a Hammers CD.

The chairman sipped his Pomeranian beer, wondered what the reaction should be in West Pomerania and decided to do nothing.

Halfway through the second Hammers song the bar gave up and put Christmas music back on.

The chairman finished his pint, put on his hat and coat, and left the pub wondering if he’d been mistaken for a Green Street casual.

Krakow Cup – group stage round two

Krakow Cup round 2 - 19 December 2017
Krakow Cup round 2 – 19 December 2017

Kenna League table week 16

Kenna table week 16 - 19 December 2017
Kenna table week 16 – 19 December 2017
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Puncheon above his Bony Kante

THE Christmas party at Kenna League club Puncheon the Bony Kante has been cancelled due to a culture of dressing room violence, it has emerged.

The side’s poor form and the manager’s strange choice of team name has led to macabre bust ups between players after matches.

A source at the club said: ‘Early in the season the manager walked into the dressing room to find Ashley Williams holding Mamadou Sakho in a headlock while Danilo hit him in the head shouting “I’m Puncheon the Bony Sakho Shit”.’

The manager had to intervene but the incident has led to players ganging up on each other to come up with the best word play on the team’s name, claimed the source.

Shortly after the initial incident, a young Nigerian playmaker needed hospital treatment when someone coined ‘Puncheon Iwobi Kante’.

Then young English striker Lingard suffered a black eye when a teammate cracked ‘Puncheon the Jesse Kante’.

During the Rainbow Laces LGBT awareness weekend in November, striker Andre Gray found himself the unfortunate victim of ‘Fisting the Bony Kante’.

The striker was attacked again alongside midfielder Demarai Gray as teammates quipped ‘Puncheon two shades of Gray out the Kante’.

The situation came to a head last weekend when goalkeeper Caballero received life-changing injuries after his Gatorade was spiked with Viagra to tee up the punchline ‘Puncheon the Bony Willy’.

Languishing third from bottom in the league and losing the opening group game of the Krakow Cup, the pressure is on the mysterious debutant manager.

He’s responded by pulling the plug on the fairy lights and is rumoured to be taking advice on the issue from the England Cricket Board.

Krakow Cup group stage – results and standings

Kenna cup results - 12 December 2017
Kenna cup results – 12 December 2017

Kenna table – week 15

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 15 - 12 December 2017
Kenna table week 15 – 12 December 2017
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Disappointing turn out for Krakow Cup draw

FIFA blazers are being blamed for the low turn out at the Kenna’s Cup draw in London, because they held the World Cup draw in Russia six days later.

Just three people, including the Kenna League chairman and former Bramble player Eric Djemba-Djemba, attended the Krakow Cup draw two weeks ago in the Pressure Drop brewery in Tottenham.

“We invited the cream of world football society – Maradona, Gordon Banks, Fabio Cannavaro and the like, the media and Zurich blazers but they turned us all down to get to the fleshpots of Moscow a week early,” said a downcast Kenna chairman to no journalists outside the brewery on the Lockwood Industrial Park.

Sources at Kenna HQ say in the end the chairman got desperate and called former Bramble players to drum up some numbers.

“Christophe Berra had a crucial home game for Hearts against Hamilton Academical, Adam Johnson was otherwise detained and Eric Djemba-Djemba only showed up to demand £20k in cash to pay off some loan sharks,” said the Kenna deep throat.

Nevertheless, the Krakow Cup draw went ahead with holders AJFC drawn into six-team group C. The first fixtures take place this weekend.

In the league, Pikey Scum retain a slender 22-point lead over a surging Two Goals One Cup.

Fixtures
Tuesday 12 December
Tuesday 19 December
Tuesday 2 January
Tuesday 9 January
Tuesday 16 January
Group A
Sleptember
Bala Rinas
Dynamo Charlton
Cowley Casuals
No Hay Fiesta Sin Iniesta
Group B
Wandsworth NS
So Good Twice
Pikey Scum
Burquini Pool Party
Young Boys
Group C
Piss Poor
Puncheon the Bony Kante
Lokomotiv Leeds
Two Goals One Cup
Don’t Know Yet
AJFC
Group D
Magpies
ISIL
Sporting Lesbian
The Brambler
Breivik
Dudley

Kenna League table – week 14

Kenna table week 14 - 6 December 2017
Kenna table week 14 – 6 December 2017

Kenna League table – week 13

Week 13 - 28 November 2017
Week 13 – 28 November 2017
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Brewery to host Kenna cup draw

THE Kenna League’s cup competition draw is to be held on a Tottenham industrial estate after this Saturday was designated ‘Beavertown Day’ by officials.

Teams from the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league will be drawn into four groups by Kenna HQ delegates visiting the Beavtertown Brewery on Lockwood Industrial Park in north London (pictured).

The decision to hold the draw in a taproom was a ‘strategic consideration’ according to Kenna HQ, and nothing to do with the chairman’s wife being away for the next few days in Krakow.

Whatsapp push notifications lit up across London with the ‘strategic consideration’.

Made up of picnic tables in a concrete car park and up to eight cheap and delicious beers flowing from 2pm to 8pm every Saturday, the Beavertown Brewery taproom is seen by many Kenna HQ gazers as a long overdue venue for official league activity.

Beavertown Brewery founder and owner Logan Plant, son of Led Zeppelin star Robert, said: “To have the Kenna League cup draw here is a real honour, but we’re still turning down a request for members of the Kenna executive committee to drink for free all day, despite promises of up to seven people watching the event live on Periscope.”

To mark this ‘seminal moment’ in the league’s history, the knockout competition has officially been renamed the Krakow Cup.

Fact: Led Zeppelin’s Robert Plant once played fathers’ day cricket against former Kenna League competitor The Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Kenna table – week 12

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 12 - 21 November 2017
Kenna week 12 – 21 November 2017
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Charge your phone on a hand dryer? USB joking

YOU may have noticed every pub crawl organised by the Kenna includes a full down rundown of hand dryers in the gents.

You may have wondered why.

Well, there’s a simple reason. It’s an enigma.

Kenna research is conclusive. No scientific relation exists between the quality of a pub and the quality of its hand drying facilities.

The Croydon Tram pub crawl is a fine example.

The 21 Club in New Addington had shell suits, mullets, Argos gold, kids playing pool and 90s lager on tap.

It was unfriendly. It was Shameless. 

But this, the most base level of drinking establishment, had a Dyson Airblade.

At the other end of the spectrum, the Inspector Morse Oxford pub crawl.

The Eagle & Child on St Giles has been frequented by some of the world’s finest scholars, and boasts JRR Tolkein and CS Lewis among former regulars.

But all that prestige and sophistication vanishes with their pathetic hand dryer and the image of Morse, after a heavy setback in the investigation, muttering his way through a trouser wipe.

All of which means there was palpable excitement today in the corridors of Kenna HQ when a new hand dryer innovation was rumoured.

A photo appeared in a whatsapp group. An acquaintance claimed their new workplace washroom device – a Canon Hygiene Airjet Dryer – had USB ports.

‘USB ports! What witchcraft is this?’ was the kind of utterance whispered in the labyrinthine departments and committee rooms of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league administrative hub.

In a fit of excitement, Kenna HQ reached out to other hand dryer enthusiasts on social media.

Excitement spread.

Could this be the end of…

But then two things happened.

First of all, upon further rumination the denizens of Kenna HQ began to question the benefits of a USB port on a hand dryer.

Was it secure? 

Could a phone thief catch you, literally, with your pants down?

And how much can a phone charge in the time it takes to, ahem, answer the call?

Second, and perhaps more conclusively, another whatsapp group member downloaded the spec sheet for a Canon Hygiene Airjet Dryer.

He says there’s no mention of a USB port.

Was it retrofitted?

Is this just FAKE NEWS?

Should USB ports be a feature of hand dryers, and if so are they a benefit?

The only concrete conclusion Kenna HQ can draw from this sorry episode is it’s been too long since the last pub crawl.

Kenna table week 11

Full scores are available at The Rub.

Kenna table week 11 - 7 November 2017
Kenna table week 11 – 7 November 2017
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Rubbing one under the carpet

From: The chairman <[email protected]>
Time: Tuesday, 31 October 2017, 11.52am
To: The head of charts and graphs <[email protected]>
Subject: The Rub audit

Dear head,

I must urge you to immediately correct errors in the Kenna scores spreadsheet The Rub before we are facing serious consequences.

Since first being notified of a mix up with teams and scores, I took a closer inspection. I found no fewer than six teams that appear to have been unrecognisably altered since last month’s transfer window.

I need not remind you the smooth running of this league (or at least the appearance of smooth running) is of utmost importance to the Kenna in its standing as the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

Don’t tell them I said this, but the managers in the Kenna are (how shall I put it?) a shower of bastards. They will take any chance to jump on an administrative folly like this by Kenna HQ. Animals. That in particular goes for that feckless Welsh wannabe usurper the vice chairman.

I must admit I have a second – most expedient – motive for sweeping this under the carpet quickly and quietly. It will not have escaped anyone’s notice that in your absence at the transfer window, the task of filling in the spreadsheet was delegated to the  Lokomotiv Leeds manager. A Jew.

Antisemitism is most definitely not entertained in the Kenna executive. However, may I remind you one of those chiefly affected by the blunder was the Judean Peoples’ Front manager? The same man who looks like and, for all we know, harbours the anti-cosmopolitan views of Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik?

If the Breivik-a-like finds out Sergio Aguero has been ripped from his team and replaced with Wayne Rooney because a child of Abraham muffed up the spreadsheet at the transfer window…

I don’t know about you but I don’t want to get plugged by a blonde supremacist in a dripping wet suit, and I expect neither does the Lokomotiv Leeds manager nor Aguero (ironically, Rooney’s the only one in this equation no stranger to getting plugged).

I’m sure I can trust your speed and discretion when it comes to resolving this matter.

The chairman

PS – if you’re going to fiddle The Rub so you’re top of the league, can you at least bump me up a few places from 19th? Thanks.

Kenna table week 10

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 10 - 31 October 2017
Kenna table week 10 – 31 October 2017
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Stan Collymore in temporary charge after Sleptember XI sack manager

STAN Collymore has taken temporary charge of Sleptember XI just two weeks after being released from the Kenna League club as a player.

The position became free yesterday after the now-former manager was sacked this week following a disastrous start to the campaign.

Despite making three changes at the transfer window, Sleptember XI still rattled around the relegation zone like a stuck pig.

Former striker and radio pundit Collymore found himself starting the season for the side up front as a Titus Bramble forfeit player alongside Diego Costa and Fernando Llorente.

Swapping those three no-hopers for Shinji Okazaki, Jordan Ayew and Ayoze Peres at the transfer window failed to address deep-seated problems on the pitch.

Sleptember XI have failed to break away from bottom-placed Puncheon The Bony Kante and So Good They Named Him Twice despite the managers of those two clubs turning up neither to the auction – submitting silent bids – nor the transfer window.

A Sleptember XI club statement read: “We had to do something before the manager ran us into the ground. Zero returns on our financial investment is what we could expect had we kept him.”

Stan Collymore is preparing himself for a new level of trolling on social media having accepted the job.

“The Kenna. That’s the top level of the game. Only the best get a job there,” he tweeted to talkSPORT, the radio station that cancelled his contract last year.

Kenna table week 9

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 9 - 24 October 2017
Kenna week 9 – 24 October 2017

Kenna table week 8

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Rough Diamond

 

NEIL Diamond is set to sue the Kenna League after footage emerged of Kenna managers allegedly murdering one of his songs.

The grainy video is believed to have been shot outside the Hoop & Grapes on Farringdon Road after last Friday’s first Kenna transfer window.

Diamond is understood to have instructed his lawyers, less than impressed with a group of inebriated, tone-deaf men trying to remember the words to Sweet Caroline.

‘They’re putting in a sack with some rocks and dead kittens and throwing it in a canal,’ said Diamond in a statement. ‘I didn’t create this music for it to be treated with such barbarism.’

Kenna HQ denies any wrongdoing in the incident, claiming the tuneless ditty was started by a passer by.

‘We emerged from the window to find a strange man on the street cajoling us into some Diamond,’ the Kenna chairman told police.

‘At the risk of appearing impolite, or of this weirdo kicking off, managers – who may have been drinking alcohol, although I did not witness it personally – joined in the song.’

It was not the first stranger of the night to approach Kenna managers.

Earlier in the evening a man interrupted the transfer window with what he believed to be sage advice.

‘Don’t ever care about the pigs you’re not allowed to talk about something might burn yourself,’ he oracled before wondering off in the direction of the bar.

In spite of these encounters with London’s underbelly, the transfer window was completed in record time.

Moneybags club Dynamo Charlton made the most expensive signing of the window, £32m on midfielder Richarlison.

Piss Poor met the extraordinary buyout clause to poach Alexis Sanchez from Islington Sports Islam & Leisure for £22m.

The Pirate used the additional booty to sign defender Stephen Ward for £22m and striker Tomer Hemed for £19m.

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Judean Peoples’ Front 2017/18

Sholto profile pic
Cold-blooded killer: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Twitter name: @sholtoGH

Since: 2008

Home ground: Wetsuit Way

Training facility: The Island

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2007/08 – 11th
2009/10 – 6th
2011/12 – 9th
2012/13 – 3rd
2013/14 – 4th
2014/15 – 5th
2015/16 – 15th
2016/17 – 20th (relegated)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Dr Dre – Bang Bang

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: This guy? The Borough Bugle? Not gonna happen – 500/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £19m

Player sales: Henderson to Young Boys for £0.5m

Adrian (TW2) WHM £0.50
Jones, P MUN £0.50
Lascelles, J NEW £0.50
Olsson, M (TW1) SWA £0.50
van Dijk, V (TW2 – from Lokomotiv Leeds) LIV £9.00
Cabaye, Y CRY £0.50
Bakayoko, T CHE £0.50
Surman, A (TW2) BOU £0.50
Doucoure, A (TW1) WAT £0.50
Aguero, S MCY £46.00
Ulloa, L (TW2) BTN £0.5m
 £58.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £19m

Allsop, R (TW1) BOU  £0.50
Jones, P MUN  £0.50
Lowe, C (TW1) HUD  £0.50
Lascelles, J NEW  £0.50
Olsson, M (TW1) SWA  £0.50
Cabeye, Y CRY  £0.50
Henderson, J LIV  £0.50
Bakayoko, T CHE  £0.50
Dourcoure, A (TW1) WAT  £0.50
Aguero, S MCY  £46.00
Ramirez, S (TW1) EVE  £0.50
 £51.00

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £11.5m (average of managers who attended the auction)

Vorm, M TOT  £0.50
Jones, P MUN  £0.50
Huth, R LEI  £0.50
Lascelles, J NEW  £0.50
Johnson, G STO  £0.50
Cabeye, Y CRY  £0.50
Henderson, J LIV  £0.50
Bakayoko, T CHE  £0.50
Lennon, A EVE  £0.50
Aguero, S MCY  £46.00
Perez, L ARS  £0.50
 £51.00

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Kenna deadline day – stats

NOT for the first time the Dynamo Charlton manager goes into Friday’s transfer window with the biggest budget to waggle around.

The spendthrift Surrey man takes £46.5m into the open market auction looking to fill a space vacated by Ander Herrera.

The Dynamo manager is sure to light up the window with big spending on one of the three top-scoring available players: Stephen Ward, Chris Lowe or Richarlison.

“I can’t wait,” said the Dynamo manager to media outside the club’s Stone Lake training facility.

He’s the richest of the 19 managers to claim the £10m bonus for releasing players before midday today.

Here are some some headline stats from Kenna deadline day plus all the released players and remaining budgets:

19 – managers to release players
47 – players released
£46.m – biggest manager budget (Dynamo Charlton)
£11m – smallest budget (Walthamstow Reds and Thieving Magpies)
5 – most player released by a single manager (Judean Peoples’ Front)
4 – Bramble players released
2 – managers who made no contact at all with Kenna HQ

Release players – full list

Manager Players Bonus Total transfer budget
Don’t Know Yet Afobe, Bournemouth striker

Karius, Liverpool goalkeeper

 £10m £15m
Pikey Scum Bravo, City goalkeeper

Shelvey, Newcastle midfielder

 £10m £12m
Piss Poor Kolarov, Roma defender

Origi, Liverpool striker

 £10m £43.5m
Iniesta Fiesta Coleman, Everton defender

Afellay, Stoke midfielder

Dembele, Celtic striker

Long, Southampton striker

 £10m £23.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds Deeney, Watford striker

Dembele, Spurs midfielder

 £10m £16.5m
Burqini Pool Party Mendy, City defender

Walcott, Arsenal midfielder

 £10m £20.5m
Young Boys Nyom, West Brom defender

Ward-Prowse, Southampton midfielder

Gradel, Bournemouth midfielder

Dier, Spurs midfielder

Benteke, Palace striker

 £10m £24.5m
Sporting Lesbian Kaboul, Watford defender

Cosby, Bramble midfielder

Lamela, Spurs midfielder

 £10m £11.5m
Sleptember XI Llorente, Spurs striker

Diego Costa, Athletico striker

Collymore, Bramble striker

 £10m £38.5m
Two Goals One Cup Van Aanholt, Palace defender

Clancy, Bramble striker

 £10m £16.5m
Judean Peoples’ Front Vorm, Spurs goalkeeper

Huth, Leicester defender

Johnson, Stoke defender

Lennon, Everton midfielder

Perez, Deportivo striker

 £10m £21.5m
Cowley Casuals Lindelhof, Man U defender

Gayle, Newcastle striker

 £10m £25.5m
Thieving Magpies Mirallas, Everton midfielder £10m £11m
Walthamstow Reds Fonte, West Ham defender

Batshuayi, Chelsea striker

 £10m £11m
Wandsworth Network Solutions Mertesacker, Arsenal defender £10m £21.5m
Dynamo Charlton Herrera, Man United midfielder £10m £46.5m
ISIL Robertson, Liverpool defender

Huxtable, Bramble striker

Murray, Brighton striker

 £10m £26.5m
FC Testiculadew Sandro Ramirez, Everton striker £10m £13m
Adam Johnson FC Heaton, Burnley goalkeeper

Clyne, Liverpool defender

Drinkwater, Chelsea midfielder

Lookman, Everton striker

 £10m £19.5m
Bala Rinas No release £10m £21.5m
Puncheon the Bony Kante No release, no contact 0 £11.5m
So Good They Named Him Twice No release, no contact 0 £11.5m
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