October 2017 – The Jeff Kenna League

Stan Collymore in temporary charge after Sleptember XI sack manager

STAN Collymore has taken temporary charge of Sleptember XI just two weeks after being released from the Kenna League club as a player.

The position became free yesterday after the now-former manager was sacked this week following a disastrous start to the campaign.

Despite making three changes at the transfer window, Sleptember XI still rattled around the relegation zone like a stuck pig.

Former striker and radio pundit Collymore found himself starting the season for the side up front as a Titus Bramble forfeit player alongside Diego Costa and Fernando Llorente.

Swapping those three no-hopers for Shinji Okazaki, Jordan Ayew and Ayoze Peres at the transfer window failed to address deep-seated problems on the pitch.

Sleptember XI have failed to break away from bottom-placed Puncheon The Bony Kante and So Good They Named Him Twice despite the managers of those two clubs turning up neither to the auction – submitting silent bids – nor the transfer window.

A Sleptember XI club statement read: “We had to do something before the manager ran us into the ground. Zero returns on our financial investment is what we could expect had we kept him.”

Stan Collymore is preparing himself for a new level of trolling on social media having accepted the job.

“The Kenna. That’s the top level of the game. Only the best get a job there,” he tweeted to talkSPORT, the radio station that cancelled his contract last year.

Kenna table week 9

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 9 - 24 October 2017 — Kenna week 9 – 24 October 2017

Kenna table week 8

Rough Diamond

NEIL Diamond is set to sue the Kenna League after footage emerged of Kenna managers allegedly murdering one of his songs.

The grainy video is believed to have been shot outside the Hoop & Grapes on Farringdon Road after last Friday’s first Kenna transfer window.

Diamond is understood to have instructed his lawyers, less than impressed with a group of inebriated, tone-deaf men trying to remember the words to Sweet Caroline.

‘They’re putting in a sack with some rocks and dead kittens and throwing it in a canal,’ said Diamond in a statement. ‘I didn’t create this music for it to be treated with such barbarism.’

Kenna HQ denies any wrongdoing in the incident, claiming the tuneless ditty was started by a passer by.

‘We emerged from the window to find a strange man on the street cajoling us into some Diamond,’ the Kenna chairman told police.

‘At the risk of appearing impolite, or of this weirdo kicking off, managers – who may have been drinking alcohol, although I did not witness it personally – joined in the song.’

It was not the first stranger of the night to approach Kenna managers.

Earlier in the evening a man interrupted the transfer window with what he believed to be sage advice.

‘Don’t ever care about the pigs you’re not allowed to talk about something might burn yourself,’ he oracled before wondering off in the direction of the bar.

In spite of these encounters with London’s underbelly, the transfer window was completed in record time.

Moneybags club Dynamo Charlton made the most expensive signing of the window, £32m on midfielder Richarlison.

Piss Poor met the extraordinary buyout clause to poach Alexis Sanchez from Islington Sports Islam & Leisure for £22m.

The Pirate used the additional booty to sign defender Stephen Ward for £22m and striker Tomer Hemed for £19m.

Judean Peoples’ Front 2017/18

Cold-blooded killer: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Twitter name: @sholtoGH

Since: 2008

Home ground: Wetsuit Way

Training facility: The Island

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2007/08 – 11th
2009/10 – 6th
2011/12 – 9th
2012/13 – 3rd
2013/14 – 4th
2014/15 – 5th
2015/16 – 15th
2016/17 – 20th (relegated)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Dr Dre – Bang Bang

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: This guy? The Borough Bugle? Not gonna happen – 500/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £19m

Player sales: Henderson to Young Boys for £0.5m

Adrian (TW2)	WHM	£0.50
Jones, P	MUN	£0.50
Lascelles, J	NEW	£0.50
Olsson, M (TW1)	SWA	£0.50
van Dijk, V (TW2 – from Lokomotiv Leeds)	LIV	£9.00
Cabaye, Y	CRY	£0.50
Bakayoko, T	CHE	£0.50
Surman, A (TW2)	BOU	£0.50
Doucoure, A (TW1)	WAT	£0.50
Aguero, S	MCY	£46.00
Ulloa, L (TW2)	BTN	£0.5m
		£58.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £19m

Allsop, R (TW1)	BOU	£0.50
Jones, P	MUN	£0.50
Lowe, C (TW1)	HUD	£0.50
Lascelles, J	NEW	£0.50
Olsson, M (TW1)	SWA	£0.50
Cabeye, Y	CRY	£0.50
Henderson, J	LIV	£0.50
Bakayoko, T	CHE	£0.50
Dourcoure, A (TW1)	WAT	£0.50
Aguero, S	MCY	£46.00
Ramirez, S (TW1)	EVE	£0.50
		£51.00

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £11.5m (average of managers who attended the auction)

Vorm, M	TOT	£0.50
Jones, P	MUN	£0.50
Huth, R	LEI	£0.50
Lascelles, J	NEW	£0.50
Johnson, G	STO	£0.50
Cabeye, Y	CRY	£0.50
Henderson, J	LIV	£0.50
Bakayoko, T	CHE	£0.50
Lennon, A	EVE	£0.50
Aguero, S	MCY	£46.00
Perez, L	ARS	£0.50
		£51.00

Kenna deadline day – stats

NOT for the first time the Dynamo Charlton manager goes into Friday’s transfer window with the biggest budget to waggle around.

The spendthrift Surrey man takes £46.5m into the open market auction looking to fill a space vacated by Ander Herrera.

The Dynamo manager is sure to light up the window with big spending on one of the three top-scoring available players: Stephen Ward, Chris Lowe or Richarlison.

“I can’t wait,” said the Dynamo manager to media outside the club’s Stone Lake training facility.

He’s the richest of the 19 managers to claim the £10m bonus for releasing players before midday today.

Here are some some headline stats from Kenna deadline day plus all the released players and remaining budgets:

19 – managers to release players

47 – players released

£46.m – biggest manager budget (Dynamo Charlton)

£11m – smallest budget (Walthamstow Reds and Thieving Magpies)

5 – most player released by a single manager (Judean Peoples’ Front)

4 – Bramble players released

2 – managers who made no contact at all with Kenna HQ

Release players – full list

Manager	Players	Bonus	Total transfer budget
Don’t Know Yet	Afobe, Bournemouth striker Karius, Liverpool goalkeeper	£10m	£15m
Pikey Scum	Bravo, City goalkeeper Shelvey, Newcastle midfielder	£10m	£12m
Piss Poor	Kolarov, Roma defender Origi, Liverpool striker	£10m	£43.5m
Iniesta Fiesta	Coleman, Everton defender Afellay, Stoke midfielder Dembele, Celtic striker Long, Southampton striker	£10m	£23.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds	Deeney, Watford striker Dembele, Spurs midfielder	£10m	£16.5m
Burqini Pool Party	Mendy, City defender Walcott, Arsenal midfielder	£10m	£20.5m
Young Boys	Nyom, West Brom defender Ward-Prowse, Southampton midfielder Gradel, Bournemouth midfielder Dier, Spurs midfielder Benteke, Palace striker	£10m	£24.5m
Sporting Lesbian	Kaboul, Watford defender Cosby, Bramble midfielder Lamela, Spurs midfielder	£10m	£11.5m
Sleptember XI	Llorente, Spurs striker Diego Costa, Athletico striker Collymore, Bramble striker	£10m	£38.5m
Two Goals One Cup	Van Aanholt, Palace defender Clancy, Bramble striker	£10m	£16.5m
Judean Peoples’ Front	Vorm, Spurs goalkeeper Huth, Leicester defender Johnson, Stoke defender Lennon, Everton midfielder Perez, Deportivo striker	£10m	£21.5m
Cowley Casuals	Lindelhof, Man U defender Gayle, Newcastle striker	£10m	£25.5m
Thieving Magpies	Mirallas, Everton midfielder	£10m	£11m
Walthamstow Reds	Fonte, West Ham defender Batshuayi, Chelsea striker	£10m	£11m
Wandsworth Network Solutions	Mertesacker, Arsenal defender	£10m	£21.5m
Dynamo Charlton	Herrera, Man United midfielder	£10m	£46.5m
ISIL	Robertson, Liverpool defender Huxtable, Bramble striker Murray, Brighton striker	£10m	£26.5m
FC Testiculadew	Sandro Ramirez, Everton striker	£10m	£13m
Adam Johnson FC	Heaton, Burnley goalkeeper Clyne, Liverpool defender Drinkwater, Chelsea midfielder Lookman, Everton striker	£10m	£19.5m
Bala Rinas	No release	£10m	£21.5m
Puncheon the Bony Kante	No release, no contact	0	£11.5m
So Good They Named Him Twice	No release, no contact	0	£11.5m

Golden age of defending returns

REMEMBER the mid noughties?

The London bombings.

A German pope elected.

Mart Poom going to Arsenal on a six-month loan.

And English teams regularly meeting each other in the latter stages of the Champions League.

With the exception of Poom, it was a time built on strong defence. In fantasy football it was the epoch of clean sheets.

The inaugural winner of the Kenna League boasted John Terry, Steve Finnan, Wes Brown, Kolo Toure and Paul Robinson. At the height of their careers.

Goals were scarce. Clean sheets the norm. The chairman, for it was he, won the title with Darius Vassell in attack and Jermaine Pennant in midfield.

By the end of decade the tide had turned.

Andre Villas Boas crouched on the touchline to watch the once sturdy defence of west London ship them like a online bookshop with an aggressive diversification strategy.

In London pub-based fantasy football it was the time to buy false nines, the trequartistas and Clint ‘Deuce’ Dempsey.

And so it remained. Until now.

Heading into the first transfer window of the season this Friday, more than half of the top 14 performing players in the Kenna are defensive.

Ben Davies aside, all ply their trade in Manchester.

Several managers have already released players ahead of tomorrow’s midday deadline.

Are they looking for defenders?

With Nathaniel Clyne ‘out for some time’, the chairman certainly is.

Player	Position	Points	Club	Position	Paid
Lukaku	STR	49	Brambler	15th	£41m
Kane	STR	48	Pikey Scum	1st	£40m
Valencia, A	DEF	46	Piss Poor	11th	£9m
Ben Davies	DEF	44	Iniesta	10th	£4m
Phil Jones	DEF	43	Breivik	14th	£0.5m
De Gea	GK	43	WNS	16th	£8m
Kyle Walker	DEF	43	Sporting	2nd	£8m
Otamendi	DEF	41	Don’t Know Yet	5th	£0.5m
Azpilicueta	DEF	41	Pikey Scum	1st	£18m
de Bruyne	MID	40	Lokomotiv	3rd	£32m
Bailly	DEF	39	Young Boys	8th	£5m
Salah	MID	39	Sporting	2nd	£32m
Stones	DEF	38	Cowley	4th	£0.5m
Jesus	STR	37	Young Boys	8th	£31m

Kenna League table – week 7

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 7 - 3 October 2017 — Kenna table week 7 – 3 October 2017

Adam Johnson Fan Club 2017/18

Chairman 69 problems — …but running the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league ain’t one: The AJFC manager and Kenna chairman

Manager: Stix

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and chairman)

Home ground: Big Wong

Training facility: The Forbidden Garden

Trophy cabinet:
Champions 2005/06
Canesten Combi Cup winner 2006
Treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Dr Khumalo World Cup 2010)
Narcozep Cup winner 2017

Form
2005/06 – 1st
2006/07 – 3rd
2007/08 – 7th
2008/09 – 9th
2009/10 – 1st
2010/11 – 4th
2011/12 – 16th
2012/13 – 18th (relegated)
2013/14 – 10th
2014/15 – 11th
2015/16 – 11th
2016/17 – 13th (cup winner)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Let Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Appears to have bought three players in no danger of walking on a football pitch anytime soon, another treble-winning season not on the cards – 50/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £9.5m

Pope, N	BUR	£0.50
Luiz, D	CHE	£10.00
Ogbonna, A	WHM	£0.50
Jorgensen, M (TW1)	HUD	£6.00
Mawson, A (TW1)	SWA	£0.50
Alli, D	TOT	£35.00
Silva, B	MCY	£17.00
Gross, P (TW1)	BTN	£9.00
Fraser, R (TW2)	BOU	£0.5m
Welbeck, D	ARS	£7.00
Diabate, F (TW2)	LEI	£0.50
		£86.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £1.5m

Pope, N (TW1)	BUR	£0.50
Luiz, D	CHE	£10.00
Ogbonna, A	WHM	£0.50
Jorgensen, M (TW1)	HUD	£6.00
Mawson, A (TW1)	SWA	£0.50
Alli, D	TOT	£35.00
Silva, B	MCY	£17.00
Gross, P (TW1)	BTN	£9.00
Welbeck, D	ARS	£7.00
Defoe, J	BOU	£13.00
Jese (TW1)	STO	£2.00
		£101m

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £9.5m

Heaton, T	BUR	£6.00
Luiz, D	CHE	£10.00
Clyne, N	LIV	£0.50
Ogbonna, A	WHM	£0.50
Janmaat, D	WAT	£0.50
Alli, D	TOT	£35.00
Silva, B	MCY	£17.00
Drinkwater, D	LEI	£0.50
Welbeck, D	ARS	£7.00
Defoe, J	BOU	£13.00
Lookman, A	EVE	£0.50
		£90.50