YOU may have noticed every pub crawl organised by the Kenna includes a full down rundown of hand dryers in the gents.
You may have wondered why.
Well, there’s a simple reason. It’s an enigma.
Kenna research is conclusive. No scientific relation exists between the quality of a pub and the quality of its hand drying facilities.
The Croydon Tram pub crawl is a fine example.
The 21 Club in New Addington had shell suits, mullets, Argos gold, kids playing pool and 90s lager on tap.
It was unfriendly. It was Shameless.
But this, the most base level of drinking establishment, had a Dyson Airblade.
At the other end of the spectrum, the Inspector Morse Oxford pub crawl.
The Eagle & Child on St Giles has been frequented by some of the world’s finest scholars, and boasts JRR Tolkein and CS Lewis among former regulars.
But all that prestige and sophistication vanishes with their pathetic hand dryer and the image of Morse, after a heavy setback in the investigation, muttering his way through a trouser wipe.
All of which means there was palpable excitement today in the corridors of Kenna HQ when a new hand dryer innovation was rumoured.
A photo appeared in a whatsapp group. An acquaintance claimed their new workplace washroom device – a Canon Hygiene Airjet Dryer – had USB ports.
‘USB ports! What witchcraft is this?’ was the kind of utterance whispered in the labyrinthine departments and committee rooms of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league administrative hub.
In a fit of excitement, Kenna HQ reached out to other hand dryer enthusiasts on social media.
Groundbreaking news today in my whatsapp groups. USB ports @eleanortiernan !! pic.twitter.com/TG5IupRdLM
— Stix (@jeffkennaleague) November 7, 2017
Excitement spread.
Just when we thought they couldn’t get any better.. https://t.co/htpIVwODz9
— Eleanor Tiernan (@eleanortiernan) November 7, 2017
Could this be the end of…
But then two things happened.
First of all, upon further rumination the denizens of Kenna HQ began to question the benefits of a USB port on a hand dryer.
Was it secure?
Could a phone thief catch you, literally, with your pants down?
And how much can a phone charge in the time it takes to, ahem, answer the call?
Second, and perhaps more conclusively, another whatsapp group member downloaded the spec sheet for a Canon Hygiene Airjet Dryer.
He says there’s no mention of a USB port.
Was it retrofitted?
Is this just FAKE NEWS?
Should USB ports be a feature of hand dryers, and if so are they a benefit?
The only concrete conclusion Kenna HQ can draw from this sorry episode is it’s been too long since the last pub crawl.
Kenna table week 11
Full scores are available at The Rub.
