2017 – Page 3 – The Jeff Kenna League

Don’t Know Yet 2017/18

Undecided: The Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: 2012

Home ground: Undetermined Street

Training facility: Klub Kudos

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Kenna Index rating: 0.78 – 24th
2012/13 – 14th
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 18th (relegated)
2015/16 – 19th (relegated)
2016/17 – Did not enter

Sympathies: Boro

Darts music: Theme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Buying four players, dropping the mic and leaving the rest to autofill could guarantee a third straight relegation – 50/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £2.5m

No changes.

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £2.5m

Ryan, M (TW1)	BTN	£0.50
Otamendi, N	MCY	£0.50
Reid, W	WHM	£0.50
Dann, S	CRY	£0.50
Maguire, H	LEI	£0.50
Ozil, M	ARS	£20.00
Eriksen, C	TOT	£30.00
Pedro	CHE	£18.00
Mata, J	MUN	£18.00
Vokes, S	BUR	£6.00
Calvert-Lewin, D (TW1)	EVE	£12.00
		£106.5m

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £5m

Karius, L	LIV	£0.50
Otamendi, N	MCY	£0.50
Reid, W	WHM	£0.50
Dann, S	CRY	£0.50
Maguire, H	LEI	£0.50
Ozil, M	ARS	£20.00
Eriksen, C	TOT	£30.00
Pedro	CHE	£18.00
Mata, J	MUN	£18.00
Vokes, S	BUR	£6.00
Afobe, B	BOU	£0.50
		£95.00

Piss Poor 2017/18

Sucking it in: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Guillotine Way

Training facility: The Coop

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th
2015/16 – 18th (relegated)
2016/17 – 21st (relegated)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Hala Madrid y nada mas

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Tempered the incredible bargain of Alvaro Morata when the player became unexpectedly available by signing a Roma player. Piss poor transfer window attendance record – 100/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Player sales: Valencia to Sporting Lesbian for £0.5m, Barkley to FCT for £0.5m

Lloris, H	TOT	£10.00
van der Hoorn, M	SWA	£0.5m
Bertrand, R	SOT	£4.00
Schindler, C	HUD	£17.00
Mangala, E (TW2)	EVE	£0.50
Ox-Chamberlain, A	LIV	£5.00
Ibe, J	BOU	£3.00
Allen, J (TW2)	STO	£6.00
Morata, A	CHE	£6.00
Rondon, S	WBA	£9.00
Sanchez, A	MUN	£22.00
		£92m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £4.5m

Lloris, H	TOT	£10.00
Valencia, A	MUN	£9.00
Bertrand, R	SOT	£4.00
Schindler, C (TW1)	HUD	£17.00
Ox-Chamberlain, A	LIV	£5.00
Ibe, J	BOU	£3.00
Snodgrass, R	WHM	£6.00
Barkley, R	CHE	£6.00
Morata, A	CHE	£6.00
Rondon, S	WBA	£9.00
Sanchez, A (TW1)	ARS	£22.00
		£97m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £33.5m

Lloris, H	TOT	£10.00
Valencia, A	MUN	£9.00
Bertrand, R	SOT	£4.00
Kolarov, A	ROM	£8.00
Ox-Chamberlain, A	LIV	£5.00
Ibe, J	BOU	£3.00
Snodgrass, R	WHM	£6.00
Barkley, R	EVE	£6.00
Morata, A	CHE	£6.00
Rondon, S	WBA	£9.00
Origi, D	LIV	£0.50
		£66.50

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2017/18

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name: @andenney

Since: 2007

Home ground: Yewtree Lane

Training facility: Fiddler’s Harris

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11 and 2015/16, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Form
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd (cup winners)
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st (champions)
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th
2015/16 – 1st (champions)
2016/17 – 12th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Manager attempts to bounce back from his disappointing title defence last season by signing three defensive midfield players and making Christian Benteke his second-most-expensive player – 35/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £5m

Player sales: Steve Davis to Sleptember XI for £0.5m

Fabianski, L	SWA	£0.50
Cahill, G	CHE	£17.00
Bailly, E	MUN	£5.00
Sanchez, D (TW1)	TOT	£5.00
Hegazi, A (TW1)	WBA	£2.00
Ndidi, W	LEI	£0.50
Lennon, A (TW2)	BUR	£13.00
Henderson, J (TW2 – from JPF)	LIV	£0.50
Hugill, J (TW2)	WHM	£0.50
Jesus, G	MCY	£31.00
Deeney, T (TW1)	WAT	£0.50
		£75.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £8.5m

Fabianski, L	SWA	£0.50
Cahill, G	CHE	£17.00
Sanchez, D (TW1)	TOT	£5.00
Bailly, E	MUN	£5.00
Hegazi, A (TW1)	WBA	£2.00
Sako, B (TW1)	CRY	£0.50
Davis, S (TW1)	SOT	£0.50
Ndidi, W	LEI	£0.50
Deeney, T (TW1)	WAT	£8.00
Jesus, G	MCY	£31.00
Joselu	STO	£0.50
		£70.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £14.5M

Fabianski, L	SWA	£0.50
Cahill, G	CHE	£17.00
Nyom, A	WBA	£0.50
Bailly, E	MUN	£5.00
Ndidi, W	LEI	£0.50
Ward-Prowse, J	SOT	£0.50
Gradel, M	BOU	£0.50
Dier, E	TOT	£0.50
Benteke, C	CRY	£29.00
Jesus, G	MCY	£31.00
Joselu	STO	£0.50
		£85.50

Walthamstow Reds 2017/18

English food: The Newington Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co founder and committee member)

Home ground: The Old Dog Track

Training facility: Banbury Reservoir

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2005/06 – 2nd
2006/07 – 7th
2007/08 – 4th
2008/09 – 4th
2009/10 – 3rd
2010/11 – 11th
2011/12 – 3rd
2012/13 – 11th
2013/14 – 7th
2014/15 – 8th
2015/16 – 2nd
2016/17 – 11th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: House of Love – East 17

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Now the only manager to enter all 13 seasons of the Kenna with an empty trophy cabinet, soon to become 14 – 30/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £20.5m

Butland, J	STO	£0.50
Keane, M	EVE	£4.00
Ake, N	BOU	£0.50
Clark, C (TW1)	NEW	£0.50
Silva, D	MCY	£24.00
Pogba, P	MUN	£23.00
Zaha, W	CRY	£16.00
Redmond, N	SOT	£6.00
Carroll, T	SWA	£0.5m
Heung-min, S	TOT	£19.00
Mounie, S	HUD	£0.50
		£94.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £10.5m

Player sales: Michy Batshuayi to FC Testiculadew for £0.5m

Butland, J	STO	£0.50
Keane, M	EVE	£4.00
Ake, N	BOU	£0.50
Clark, C (TW1)	NEW	£0.50
Silva, D	MCY	£24.00
Pogba, P	MUN	£23.00
Zaha, W	CRY	£16.00
Redmond, N	SOT	£6.00
Okaka, S (TW1)	WAT	£0.50
Heung-Min, S	TOT	£19.00
Mounie, S	HUD	£0.50
		£94.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £1m

Butland, J	STO	£0.50
Keane, M	EVE	£4.00
Ake, N	BOU	£0.50
Fonte, J	WHM	£0.50
Silva, D	MCY	£24.00
Pogba, P	MUN	£23.00
Zaha, W	CRY	£16.00
Redmond, N	SOT	£6.00
Batshuayi, M	CHE	£5.00
Heung-Min, S	TOT	£19.00
Mounie, S	HUD	£0.50
		£99.00

Two Goals One Cup 2017/18

Spencer anon — Bald ambition: The Two Goals One Cup manager

Manager: Spencer (Lichfield)

Since: 2016

Home ground: Rimmer’s Way

Training facility: Fantasy Island

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
2016/17 – 15th

Sympathies: Nuneaton Borough

Darts music: Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-dop – Scatman John

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Lost Peter Crouch on a Bramble, but still has plenty up front and solid at the rear, a bit like the Two Goals Bramble player, fnarr! fnarr! – 25/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £4m

Karius, L (TW2)	LIV	£0.50
Koscielny, L	ARS	£7.00
Blind, D	MUN	£5.00
Zabaleta, P	WHM	£5.00
Sterling, R	MCY	£24.00
Gudmondsson, JB (TW2)	BUR	£0.50
Fabregas, C	CHE	£0.50
Shaqiri, X	STO	£0.50
Vardy, J	LEI	£18.00
Rooney, W	EVE	£18.00
Murray, G (TW2)	BTN	£20.00
		£99.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £15.5m

Mignolet, S	LIV	£5.00
Koscielny, L	ARS	£7.00
Blind, D	MUN	£5.00
Zabaleta, P	WHM	£5.00
Tarkowski, J (TW1)	BUR	£0.50
Sterling, R	MCY	£24.00
Fabregas, C	CHE	£10.00
Shaqiri, X	STO	£0.50
Vardy, J	LEI	£18.00
Rooney, W	EVE	£18.00
Long, S (TW1)	SOT	£0.50
		£93.50

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Mignolet, S	LIV	£5.00
Koscielny, L	ARS	£7.00
Blind, D	MUN	£5.00
Zabaleta, P	WHM	£5.00
van Aanholt, P	CRY	£0.50
Sterling, R	MCY	£24.00
Fabregas, C	CHE	£10.00
Shaqiri, X	STO	£0.50
Vardy, J	LEI	£18.00
Rooney, W	EVE	£18.00
Clancy, A	BRM	£0.50
		£93.50

Roberto Firmino

Rifles once more the ball into the net,

Or sets another up to do the same,

Brazil’s fair crop of talent again yet

Enlivens North West England’s pressing game.

Roberto’s entry into Europe’s sphere,

To ply his silky skills next to the Rhine,

Oft saw defenders ever more in fear,

Forthwith he is a genuine false nine.

In fantasy his season’s started well

Reaping more than seven league points a week.

Much joy the Lokomotiv fans will tell

In sitting high upon the Kenna’s peak.

Never have they enjoyed a title’s glow

Out seldom from mid-table’s end they go.

Kenna table week 3

Full scores available from The Rub.

Pikey Scum 2017/18

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Home ground: South Hackney Caravan Park

Training facility: Any patch of grass that riles local residents

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Narcozep Cup winner 2016, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 winner (under review)

Form
2005/06 – 7th
2007/08 – 8th
2008/09 – 8th
2009/10 – 7th
2010/11 – 5th
2011/12 – 7th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 5th
2014/15 – 13th
2015/16 – 6th
2016/17 – 18th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Oh dear, would you look at that midfield, and £8m on Bravo. There are some things even Harry Kane can’t do – 66/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £16m

Lossl, J (TW1)	HUD	£ 5.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£18.00
Robertson, A (TW2)	LIV	£0.50
Monreal, N	ARS	£5.00
Dunk, L	BTN	£2.00
Townsend, A	CRY	£3.00
Ayew, J	SWA	£1.00
Boufal, S (TW2)	SOT	£0.50
Albrighton, M	LEI	£0.50
Rashford, M	MUN	£15.00
Kane, H	TOT	£40.00
		£90.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £7m

Losl, J (TW1)	HUD	£ 5.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£18.00
Lovren, D	LIV	£5.00
Monreal, N	ARS	£5.00
Dunk, L	BTN	£2.00
Townsend, A	CRY	£3.00
Ayew, A	WHM	£1.00
Shelvey, J	NEW	£0.50
Albrighton, M	LEI	£0.50
Rashford, M	MUN	£15.00
Kane, H	TOT	£40.00
		£95m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £2m

Bravo, C	MCY	£ 8.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£18.00
Lovren, D	LIV	£5.00
Monreal, N	ARS	£5.00
Dunk, L	BTN	£2.00
Townsend, A	CRY	£3.00
Ayew, A	WHM	£1.00
Shelvey, J	NEW	£0.50
Albrighton, M	LEI	£0.50
Rashford, M	MUN	£15.00
Kane, H	TOT	£40.00
		£98.00

Toby Alderweireld

THE glory days of La Liga titles and Champions League finals are a distant memory for Toby Alderweireld.

On the evening of the Kenna League auction 14 days ago, the Belgian defender became the Sleptember XI manager’s most expensive signing at £18m.

But any hopes of improving on Sleptember’s debut sixth-place finish last season look short lived. The club are propping up the table.

Yaya Toure, Deigo Costa, Fernando Llorente, Adam Lallana, Marcus Rojo and Scott Malone are all yet to start for the club.

Alderweireld is among four players to enjoy some game time, although while Etienne Capoue and Darren Fletcher have produced humble returns, goalkeeper Joe Hart is on a season total of minus one point.

Legions of fans have been critical of the manager’s recruitment policy.

Diego Costa is a case in point.

Every other manager at the auction suppressed snickers of schadenfreude as the Sleptember manager engaged in a small bidding war for lot number 14.

Remaining deadpan while a competitor throws away his budget on a player unlikely to play in England again is a challenge for even the most seasoned Kenna manager.

What thigh-slapping relief when the Sleptember manager didn’t catch on and signed Costa for £15m!

Events must have taken a toll on the unfortunate Sleptember boss.

Inhibited by the Costa blunder, Sleptember went on to trigger the Titus Bramble ruling.

Remember Stan Collymore? No longer a striker with a wayward personal life, Collymore is now a broadcaster and journalist with a more balanced personal life.

Except, given the events in Royal Tunbridge Wells this weekend, one wonders whether Stan The Man is slipping into old habits.

Locals appear to have been vindicated in their protest against Flamefest sex festival in Kent, where one unfortunate man was pronounced dead and a woman went to hospital.

‘Discreet’ adult play area staffed by dominatrices and an outdoor dungeon. For Toby Alderweireld the October transfer window can’t come soon enough.

Kenna table – week 2

Full scores available at The Rub.

Sleptember XI 2017/18

Paul pic — Chilling with my bitch: The Sleptember XI manager

Manager: Paul

Twitter name: @whitewashweb

Since: 2016

Home ground: Autumn Road

Training facility: The Schlepp

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2016/17 – 6th

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: September – Earth, Wind & Fire

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Would have been a great team two seasons ago – 100/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £11m

Hart, J	WHM	£2.00
Alderweireld, T	TOT	£18.00
Rojo, M	MUN	£4.00
Malone, S	HUD	£0.50
Zappacosta, D (TW2)	CHE	£0.50
Lallana, A	LIV	£11.00
Xhaka, G (TW2 – from ISIL)	ARS	£10.00
Davis, S (TW2 – from Young Boys)	SOT	£0.50
Okazaki, S (TW1)	LEI	£11.00
Ayew, J (TW1)	SWA	£15.00
Perez, A (TW1)	NEW	£1.00
		£73.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £12m

Player sales: Fernando Llorente to Sporting Lesbian for £0.5m

Hart, J	WHM	£ 2.00
Alderweireld, T	TOT	£ 18.00
Rojo, M	MUN	£ 4.00
Malone, S	HUD	£ 0.50
Lallana, A	LIV	£ 11.00
Toure, Y	MCY	£ 0.50
Capoue, E	WAT	£ 0.50
Fletcher, D	STO	£ 2.00
Okazaki, S (TW1)	LEI	£ 11.00
Ayew, J (TW1)	SWA	£ 15.00
Perez, A (TW1)	NEW	£ 1.00
		£ 65.50

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £28.5m

Hart, J	WHM	£ 2.00
Alderweireld, T	TOT	£ 18.00
Rojo, M	MUN	£ 4.00
Malone, S	HUD	£ 0.50
Lallana, A	LIV	£ 11.00
Toure, Y	MCY	£ 0.50
Capoue, E	WAT	£ 0.50
Fletcher, D	STO	£ 2.00
Llorente, F	SWA	£ 14.00
Costa, D	CHE	£ 15.00
Collymore, S	BRA	£ 4.00
		£ 71.50

Lokomotiv Leeds 2017/18

All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Leeds)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Home ground: Bellend Road

Training facility: The Train Shed

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 2nd
2012/13 – 7th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 4th
2015/16 – 14th
2016/17 – 17th

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Bicycle Race – Queen

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Came to the Kenna with great fanfare but despite showing early promise has struggled to compete at this level for some time – 40/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £7.5m

Player sales: Virgil van Dijk to Judean Peoples’ Front for £9m

Pickford, J	EVE	£4.00
Bellerin, H	ARS	£8.00
Smith, T	HUD	£0.50
Duffy, S (TW2)	BTN	£0.50
de Bruyne, K	MCY	£32.00
Moura, L (TW2)	TOT	£15.00
Antonio, M	WHM	£3.00
Choupo-Moting, E (TW1)	STO	£10.00
Firmino, R	LIV	£28.00
Martial, A	MUN	£8.00
Gray, A (TW1)	WAT	£0.50
		£99.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £14m

Player sales: Troy Deeney to Young Boys for £8m

Pickford, J	EVE	£4.00
Bellerin, H	ARS	£8.00
van Dijk, V	LIV	£3.00
Smith, T	HUD	£0.50
de Bruyne, K	MCY	£32.00
Moses, V	CHE	£4.00
Antonio, M	WHM	£3.00
Choupo-Moting, E (TW1)	STO	£10.00
Firmino, R	LIV	£28.00
Martial, A	MUN	£8.00
Gray, A (TW1)	WAT	£0.50
		£101m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Pickford, J	EVE	£4.00
Bellerin, H	ARS	£8.00
van Dijk, V	SOT	£3.00
Smith, T	HUD	£0.50
de Bruyne, K	MCY	£32.00
Moses, V	CHE	£4.00
Antonio, M	WHM	£3.00
Dembele, M	TOT	£1.00
Firmino, R	LIV	£28.00
Martial, A	MUN	£8.00
Deeney, T	WAT	£2.00
		£93.50

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £2.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £2.5m

Auction XI (4-4-2) Remaining budget: £5m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £6.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £4.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £33.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018 Remaining budget: £5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £8.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £14.5M

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £20.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £10.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £1m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £4m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £15.5m

Auction XI (4-3-3) Remaining budget: £6.5m

Kenna table week 3

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £16m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £7m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £2m

Kenna table – week 2

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £11m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £12m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £28.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £7.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £14m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £6.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £2.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £2.5m

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £5m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £6.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £4.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £33.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £8.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £14.5M

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £20.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £10.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £1m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £4m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £15.5m

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £16m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £7m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £2m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £11m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £12m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £28.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £7.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £14m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m