Year: 2017

FC Testiculadew 2017/18

James N profile
‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Form
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th
2015/16 – 8th
2016/17 – 2nd

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: The Imperial March (Family Guy elevator remix)

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: The Dark Lord of the Kenna could sign eleven Titus Brambles and still be in the title race mix come April – 12/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £4m

Cech, P ARS £ 7.00
Matip, J LIV £3.00
Fuchs, C LEI £0.50
Rose, D TOT £0.50
Coleman, S EVE £0.50
Tadic, D SOT £9.00
Arnautovic, M WHM £8.00
Gundogan, I MCY £6.00
Barkley, R (TW2 – from Piss Poor) CHE £0.50
Lukaku, R MUN £41.00
Benteke, C (TW2) CRY  £18.00
 £94m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £12.5m

Player sales: Sandro Ramirez to Judean Peoples’ Front for £0.5m

Cech, P ARS  £ 7.00
Matip, J LIV  £3.00
Fuchs, C LEI  £0.50
Rose, D TOT  £0.50
Coleman, S EVE  £0.50
Arnautovic, M WHM  £8.00
Chadli, N WBA  £4.00
Gundogan, I MCY  £6.00
Tadic, D SOT  £9.00
Batshuayi, M CHE  £0.50
Lukaku, R MUN  £41.00
     £80m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £3m

Cech, P ARS  £ 7.00
Matip, J LIV  £3.00
Fuchs, C LEI  £0.50
Rose, D TOT  £0.50
Tadic, D SOT  £9.00
Arnautovic, M WHM  £8.00
Chadli, N WBA  £4.00
Gundogan, I MCY  £6.00
Lukaku, R MUN  £41.00
Ramirez, S EVE  £15.00
Berahino, S STO  £3.00
     £97.00
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Mohamed Salah

Memories of Mohamed Salah’s mediocre first spell in England were brushed aside this weekend with a goal and assist in the first game of the season.

Of course, it was a weight off the Egyptian’s mind.

Helping his new club Sporting Lesbian to the top of the Kenna League, Salah was only too pleased to recall the moment he found out he was moving back to London.

“Ahhh, I remember it well! It was during the physical act of love,” he overshared.

“My agent phoned so I immediately pulled out and took the call. When I found out I’d been signed for £32m in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league I couldn’t contain myself.”

Egyptian cotton, fortunately, washes well at high temperatures.

During his first training session for Sporting, Salah was pleased to find new teammates in Alexandre Lacazette and Henrikh Mkhitaryan, but confused by the dressing-room presence of Bill Cosby.

Sporting Lesbian’s manager was on hand to explain.

Apparently, Salah learned, the Sporting boss had broken the Titus Bramble ruling at the auction. An illegal player was removed and replaced with ‘a dud’. He was not the only manager to make that mistake.

“Laugh at Cosby’s amusing facial expressions,” advised Salah’s new manager.

“Allow yourself to be entertained by his Dr Cliff Huxtable routines,” the manager continued.

“He offers you an OJ, though, refuse outright. There are some things even a 90 degree wash cannot eradicate.”

Kenna table – week 1

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 1 - 15 August 2017
Kenna table week 1 – 15 August 2017
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Sporting Lesbian 2017/18

Ben M profile
Sloth: The Sporting Lesbian manager

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name: @BenMarcangelo

Since: 2012

Home ground: Todger Dodger Street

Training facility: The Dyke

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2012/13 and 2014/15

Kenna Index rating TBC
2012/13 – 1st
2013/14 – 8th
2014/15 – 1st
2015/16 – missed auction due to washing machine delivery
2016/17 – 8th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Lesbian Seagull – David van Driessen

What the chalkstripes are saying in Kenna HQ speculations department: Form has the Sporting manager finishing either champions or eighth. With Bill Cosby in midfield he’s probably looking at the latter again – 30/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £19m

Player sales: Mkhitaryan to ISIL for £18m

Begovic, A BOU  £1.00
Walker, K MCY £8.00
Soares, C SOT  £0.50
Mee, B BUR £0.50
Fernandez, F (TW1) SWA  £0.50
Valencia, A (TW2 – from Piss Poor) MUN £0.50
Salah, M LIV £32.00
Kante, N CHE £0.50
Walcott, T (TW2) EVE  £18.00
Kenedy (TW2) NEW £0.50
Lacazette, A ARS £35.00
 £98m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £10m

Begovic, A BOU  £1.00
Walker, K MCY  £8.00
Soares, C SOT  £0.50
Mee, B BUR  £0.50
Fernandez, F (TW1) SWA  £0.50
Dawson, C WBA  £2.00
Mkhitaryan, H ARS  £18.00
Salah, M LIV  £32.00
Kante, N (TW1) CHE  £0.50
Llorente, F (TW1) TOT  £0.50
Lacazette, A ARS  £35.00
     £98.50

Auction XI (5-4-1)
Remaining budget: £1.5m

Begovic, A BOU  £1.00
Walker, K MCY  £8.00
Soares, C SOT  £0.50
Mee, B BUR  £0.50
Kaboul, Y WAT  £0.50
Dawson, C WBA  £2.00
Mkhitaryan, H MUN  £18.00
Salah, M LIV  £32.00
Cosby, B BRM  £0.50
Lamela, E TOT  £0.50
Lacazette, A ARS  £35.00
     £98.50
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Dynamo Charlton 2017/18

Alex
Smug: The Dynamo Charlton manager

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name: @alexbass75

Since: 2011

Home ground: The Dynamic Valley

Training facility: Stone Lake

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Form
2011/12 – 6th
2012/13 – 6th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 15th
2015/16 – 4th
2016/17 – 15th

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts music: The Gladiators TV theme

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Once again the thriftiest manager in the league, but when did financial fair play ever win anything? – 33/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £23.5m

Foster, B WBA £9.00
Milner, J LIV £ 7.00
Zouma, K STO £ 3.00
Kolasinac, S ARS £ 3.00
Mario, J (TW2) WHM £0.50
Atsu, C NEW £2.00
Milivojevic, L (TW2) CRY  £0.50
Mooy, A HUD £0.50
Richarlison (TW1) WAT £32.00
Iheanacho, K LEI £25.00
Abraham, T SWA £0.50
 £83m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £14.5m

Foster, B WBA  £9.00
Milner, J LIV  £ 7.00
Zouma, K STO  £ 3.00
Kolasinac, S ARS  £ 3.00
Richarlison (TW1) WAT  £32.00
Lanzini, M WHM  £7.00
Atsu, C NEW  £2.00
Brady, R BUR  £0.50
Mooy, A HUD  £0.50
Iheanahco, K LEI  £25.00
Abraham, T SWA  £0.50
     £89.5m

Auction XI (3-5-2)
Remaining budget: £36.5m

Foster, B WBA  £9.00
Milner, J LIV  £ 7.00
Zouma, K STO  £ 3.00
Kolasinac, S ARS  £ 3.00
Herrera, A MUN  £0.50
Lanzini, M WHM  £7.00
Atsu, C NEW  £2.00
Brady, R BUR  £0.50
Mooy, A HUD  £0.50
Iheanahco, K LEI  £25.00
Abraham, T SWA  £0.50
     £58m
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Islington Sports Islam & Leisure 2017/18

Abdi
Scourge of the high seas: The ISIL manager

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Home ground: Mogadishu Arena

Training facility: Spyglass Hill

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Form
2010/11 – 14th
2011/12 – 5th
2012/13 – 8th
2013/14 – 21st (relegated)
2014/15 – 20th (relegated)
2015/16 – 16th
2016/17 – 5th

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Even if the Pirate could keep Alvaro Morata from the auction and retain Alexis Sanchez beyond the next transfer window, the smart money has him throwing it away all over again – 66/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £28m

Player sales: Xhaka to Sleptember XI for £10m

Courtois, T CHE £ 3.00
Vertonghen, J TOT £9.00
McAuley, G WBA £4.00
Ward, S (TW1) BUR £22.00
Carrillo, A (TW2) WAT £0.50
Sane, L MCY £21.00  
Ince, T HUD £5.00
Bolasie, Y EVE £0.50
Mkhitaryan, H (TW2 – from Sporting Lesbian) ARS £18.00
Sorloth, A (TW2) CRY £0.50
Slimani, I (TW2) NEW £0.50
£84m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £28.5m

Player sales: Alexis Sanchez to Piss Poor for £22m

Courtois, T CHE  £ 3.00
Vertonghen, J TOT  £9.00
McAuley, G WBA  £4.00
Ward, S (TW1) BUR  £22.00
Xhaka, G (TW1) ARS  £0.50
Sane, L MCY  £21.00
Ince, T HUD  £5.00
Bolasie, Y EVE  £0.50
Sakho, D (TW1) WHU  £0.50
Mitrovic, A (TW1) NEW  £0.50
Hemed, T (TW1) BTN  £19.00
     £85m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £16.5m

Courtois, T CHE  £ 3.00
Vertonghen, J TOT  £9.00
McAuley, G WBA  £4.00
Britos, M WAT  £0.50
Robertson, A LIV  £0.50
Sane, L MCY  £21.00
Ince, T HUD  £5.00
Bolasie, Y EVE  £0.50
Dr Cliff Huxtable BRM  £7.50
Murray, G BTN  £0.50
Sanchez, A ARS  £32.00
     £83.50
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Burqini Pool Party 2017/18

Aiden
Wheeler dealer: The Burqini Pool Party manager

Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @Br15land

Since: 2011

Home ground: Koran Koran

Training facility: Deep End

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
2011/12 – 15th
2012/13 – 9th
2013/14 – 13th
2014/15 – 10th
2015/16 – 17th (relegated)
2017/18 – 3rd

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts music: Inner Circle – Sweat

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: A solid team built around a light midfield but historically a mid-table finish likely – 25/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £17.5

Forster, F SOT £4.00
Trippier, K TOT £15.00
Alonso, M CHE £16.00
Laporte, A (TW2) MCY  £0.50
Loftus-Cheek, R CRY £2.00
Wijnaldum, G LIV £2.00 
Ritchie, M NEW £11.00
Pritchard, A (TW2) HUD  £0.50
King, J BOU £12.00
Rodriguez, J WBA  £0.50
Wood, C (TW1) BUR  £11.00
 £74.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £8.5m

Forster, F SOT  £4.00 
Trippier, K TOT  £15.00
Alonso, M CHE  £16.00
Femenia, K (TW1) WAT  £1.00
Klaassen, D EVE  £11.00  
Loftus-Cheek, R CRY  £2.00  
Wijnaldum, G LIV  £2.00  
Ritchie, M NEW  £11.00
King, J BOU  £12.00
Rodriguez, J WBA  £0.50
Wood, C (TW1) BUR  £11.00
 £85m

Auction XI (3-5-2)
Remaining budget: £10.5m

Forster, F SOT  £4.00
Trippier, K TOT  £15.00
Alonso, M CHE  £16.00
Mendy, B MCY  £6.00
Klaassen, D EVE  £11.00
Walcott, T ARS  £10.00
Loftus-Cheek, R CRY  £2.00
Wijnaldum, G LIV  £2.00
Ritchie, M NEW  £11.00
King, J BOU  £12.00
Rodriguez, J WBA  £0.50
     £89.50
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Cowley Casuals 2017/18

Stu manager pic
Buckets of potential: The Cowley Casuals manager

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @sfinch100

Since: 2012

Home ground: Ground Zero Hours

Training facility: The Agency

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winners 2015

Form
2012/13 – 17th
2013/14 – did not enter
2014/15 – 2nd
2015/16 – 12th
2016/17 – 7th

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts music: Menergy – Patrick Cowley

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: His befuddled behavior had many wondering if the Cowley boss went for a drink with Bill Cosby before the auction, yet his woozy approach has thrown up some astute signings – 20/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £24.5m

No changes.

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £24.5m

Schmeichel, K LEI  £0.50
Lowton, M (TW1) BUR  £0.50
Stones, J MCY  £0.50
Mustafi, S ARS  £3.00
Mane, S LIV  £29.00
Phillips, M WBA  £2.00
van La Parra, R HUD  £0.50
March, S BTN  £0.50
Hernandez, J WHM  £24.00
Gabbiadini, M SOT  £16.00
Crouch, P (TW1) STO  £0.50
 £77m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £15.5m

Schmeichel, K LEI  £0.50
Lindelhof, V MUN  £8.00
Stones, J MCY  £0.50
Mustafi, S ARS  £3.00
Mane, S LIV  £29.00
Phillips, M WBA  £2.00
van La Parra, R HUD  £0.50
March, S BTN  £0.50
Hernandez, J WHM  £24.00
Gabbiadini, M SOT  £16.00
Gayle, D NEW  £0.50
     £84.50
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No Hay Fiesta Sin Iniesta 2017/18

Carles
Showman: The No Fiesta Without Iniesta manager

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Home ground: Camp de la Independencia

Training facility: The Farmhouse

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 5th in 2012/13)

Form
2010/2011 – 9th
2011/12 – 14th
2012/13 – 5th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 17th
2015/16 – 17th
2016/17 – 22nd (last)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Catalan tries to break his four-year slump with star signings in midfield and a shiny new goalkeeper, but looks light up top and has poor transfer window attendance record – 30/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £14.5m

Moraes, E MCY  £ 4.00
Davies, B TOT  £ 4.00
Holebas, J WAT  £3.00
Daniels, C BOU  £2.00
Manquillo, J (TW1) NEW  £0.50
Hazard, E CHE  £ 33.00
Ward-Prowse, J SOT  £0.5m
Ramsey, A ARS  £ 6.00
Matic, N (TW1) MUN  £11.00
Diouf, M (TW1) STO  £7.00
Niasse, O (TW1) EVE  £ 0.50
 £73m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £4.5m

Moraes, E MCY £ 4.00
Davies, B TOT £ 4.00
Holebas, J WAT £3.00
Daniels, C BOU  £2.00
Manquillo, J (TW1) NEW  £0.50
Hazard, E CHE £ 33.00
Coutinho, P LIV   £31.00
Ramsey, A ARS £ 6.00
Matic, N (TW1) MUN  £11.00
Diouf, M (TW1) STO  £7.00
Niasse, O (TW1) EVE  £ 0.50
 £102m

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £13.5m

Moraes, E MCY  £ 4.00
Davies, B TOT  £4.00
Holebas, J WAT  £3.00
Daniels, C BOU  £2.00
Coleman, S EVE  £ 0.50
Hazard, E CHE  £ 33.00
Coutinho, P LIV  £31.00
Ramsey, A ARS  £ 6.00
Afellay, I STO  £ 0.50
Dembele CET  £0.50
Long, S SOT  £2.00
     £86.50
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Sanchez buyout clause confounds Pirate

ALEXIS Sanchez could be snapped up for as little as £10m at the October transfer window after having a buyout clause put in his contract.

Kenna League blazers took the unprecedented step having found the £32m Chilean forward was illegally signed by Islington Sports Islam & Leisure at the auction on Friday evening (4 August).

The decision will pile yet more woe on the ISIL manager.

Known as the Pirate, he became the highlight of the 13th annual Kenna auction by losing Alvaro Morata under the Titus Bramble ruling and trying to resign.

The ISIL manager finished the night with a strike force of Sanchez, Glenn Murray, Andre Gray and Bramble player Dr Cliff Huxtable.

Overlooked at the time by the Kenna charts and graphs department, the team was found afterwards to have more than the limit of three strikers.

In a press conference outside the Holborn Whippet on Monday, the chairman explained: “Hold onto your tactics whiteboard pens, this will divide opinion.

“We’ve deliberated this at Kenna HQ. Charts and graphs feel they should take some of the blame for not spotting this on Friday.

“Therefore a decision has been taken.

“ISIL lose Gray, who goes on a silent bid to Puncheon The Bony Kante.

“Sanchez remains an ISIL striker but has a £10m buyout clause inserted into his contract.

“Effective at the October window, bidding will start at £10m for the Chilean striker.

“The Pirate cannot bid and will not receive any monies paid.”

The Burqini Pool Party manager summed up the feeling among managers: “What a time to be alive.”

The outcome was not well received at ISIL’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Trying to threaten Kenna HQ with a photo of his proposed resignation letter, the Pirate sent an unrelated photo from his camera roll.

“That’s twice he’s tried to resign in less than a week,” quipped the chairman.

Pirate resignation
Everything but the resignation: The Pirate’s second attempt to quit in a week
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Thieving Magpies 2017/18

Phil profile pic
England till he dies: ‘Pies manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co founder)

Home ground: Tinfoil Street

Training facility: The Wheelbarrow

Trophy cabinet: 2016/17 league winner

Form
2005/06 – 3rd
2006/07 – 2nd
2007/08 – 11th
2008/09 – 5th
2009/10 – 11th
2010/11 – 7th
2011/12 – 18th (relegated)
2012/13 – 4th
2013/14 – 2nd
2014/15 – 14th
2015/16 – 9th
2016/17 – 1st

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Great Escape – the England Band

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: If the ‘Pies boss is the first manager to successfully defend the Kenna he’ll be relying heavily on injury-free seasons from physio table regulars Vincent Kompany, Chris Smalling and Daniel Sturridge – 12/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £20.5m

No changes.

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £10.5m

Gomes, H WAT  £1.00
Kompany, V MCY  £10.00
Smalling, C MUN  £0.50
Cresswell, A WHM  £0.50
Sigurdsson, G SWA  £18.00
Mahrez, R LEI  £16.00
Knockaert, A BTN  £9.00
Hayden, I (TW1) NEW  £0.50
Sturridge, D LIV  £21.00
Wilson, C BOU  £6.00
Giroud, O ARS  £15.00
     £97.5m

Auction XI – 3-4-3
Remaining budget: £1m

Gomes, H WAT  £1.00
Kompany, V MCY  £10.00
Smalling, C MUN  £0.50
Cresswell, A WHM  £0.50
Sigurdsson, G SWA  £18.00
Mahrez, R LEI  £16.00
Knockaert, A BTN  £9.00
Mirallas, K EVE  £2.00
Sturridge, D LIV  £21.00
Wilson, C BOU  £6.00
Giroud, O ARS  £15.00
     £99.00
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