Scum boss ‘relieved’ to be knocked from Kenna summit

THE Pikey Scum manager has talked of his ‘utter relief’ at being knocked from the top of the Kenna League table just short of 12 months up there.

Young Boys assumed pole position this week ending a Pikey Scum run which started on 7 October 2017 – game week seven of last season.

The Scum boss first aired his concerns upon winning the Dmitri Kharine World Cup in July.

“I’ve got to be honest, it was starting to get embarrassing,” said the Scum boss from his New York home.

“While the rest of the league were physically at the auction, responding to dynamics of the event I was picking up the odd player through silent bids and patchy Whatsapp messages. How do you think I ended up signing Mitrovic?

“How everyone else continually failed to beat someone bidding from 2,000 miles away is really beyond me. Although saying that, I hardly won anything when I actually attended auctions.”

Kenna HQ has dismissed concerns the choice of holding auctions in the pub leads to reduced decision-making capabilities in managers present.

“Kenna managers are dedicated to the league and not easily distracted from the seamier diversions of London life,” said the Kenna chairman in a press conference this lunchtime called outside The Holborn Whippet.

“This is the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league and we take that title very seriously. It’s not like we’re all abusing alcohol or getting high.”

Kenna table week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 6 - 25 September 2018
Kenna week 6 – 25 September 2018
Share Button

My chairman wrote a porno (about Asier Del Horno)

STACY Amplebean was working late in her new temping role.

She had found an admin job with a football league to earn some extra money. The work was okay, the money was good, and the people were nice.

In particular, she was a little fascinated with her supervisor Asier. They had worked together quite closely over the last few days and she was taken by his simple but forceful Latin looks. He was in his late thirties he looked like he still kept in shape. He had been a professional footballer.

It was shortly after six o’clock and it was just Stacy and Asier left in the office. Even though it was September the weather was still warm, and Stacy had taken to wearing a short skirt and little top to work in the stuffy storeroom taking inventory.

She was making small talk to pass the time: “People in the office say you were a defender and your tackle is very hard.”

Asier stopped and turned, looking a little sly. He said: “Did they tell you how hard?”

“I suppose I’ll have to find out for myself,” Stacy replied, tilting her head a little to one side.

Asier gave a small laugh and raised an eyebrow. Stacy immediately stopped resisting an urge she’d had for the last week, stepped towards him and kissed him softly on the lips.

As she pressed her body to his, she felt just how hard his tackle was becoming. “Del Horno by name…” said Stacy, before dropping to her knees.

Having undone his belt buckle, she slid his trousers and underwear down. The movement ended with Asier springing back to attention like a corner flag recovering from an errant sliding challenge.

Stacy began to softly caress him with her hands. “It’s true what they say then,” she giggled.

“Now it’s my turn, Miss Amplebean,” he said. Stacy knew exactly what he meant, having heard the reference to her surname many times.

“I didn’t know your English was so accomplished,” she replied, stood and lifted her skirt to reveal a small patch of white cotton already a little moist.

In his experienced, Basque hands her panties put up as much resistance as Real Sociedad under David Moyes.

Before long he was massaging her, his fingers working as deftly and with as much timing of a fin de siècle Arsenal back four springing the offside trap.

Stacy moaned, breathing harder, and thought of Nigel Winterburn.

Kenna table week 5

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 5 - 18 September 2018
Kenna week 5 – 18 September 2018
Share Button

Craven Cottaging 2018/19

Nice rug: The Craven Cottaging manager
Nice rug: The Craven Cottaging manager

Manager: Andrew

Since: 2018

Home ground: Bishop’s Park

Training facility: The Gents

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
Debut season

Sympathies: Fulham

Darts music: Fast Love – George Michael

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £17m
Spend: £5.5m
Player sales: £0.5m (Gabbiadini to Bala Rinas)
Remaining budget: £12m

de Gea, D MUN  £18.00
Danilo (TW1) MCY  £0.50
Lowton, M BUR  £4.00
Christensen, A (TW1) CHE  £0.50
Stanislas, J BOU  £1.00
Wilshere, J (TW1) WHM  £0.50
Mane, S LIV  £30.00
Alli, D TOT  £25.00
Torreira, L ARS  £0.50
Gayle, D (TW1) NEW  £4.00
Calvert-Lewin, D EVE  £0.50
 £81

Auction XI

de Gea, D MUN  £18.00
Ian Brady BRM  £4.00
Lowton, M BUR  £4.00
Stuart Hazel BRM  £5.00
Stanislas, J BOU  £1.00
Delph, F MCY  £1.00
Mane, S LIV  £30.00
Alli, D TOT  £25.00
Torreira, L ARS  £0.50
Gabbiadini, M SOT  £4.00
Calvert-Lewin, D EVE  £0.50
 £93.00
Share Button

Russian suspects named in Kharine ‘poisoning’ scandal

POLICE have released photos of two Russian agents suspected of poisoning managers at a World Cup fantasy football auction this summer.

Ruslan Borishov and Alexander Petrov were captured on CCTV at a train station (pictured) just hours before the Dmitri Kharine World Cup 2018 auction descended into chaos with several managers allegedly testing positive for a banned substance.

Thought to be agents of the Russian military intelligence unit GRU, the two men are suspected to have poisoned participants in ‘The Kharine’ held at the Hoop & Grapes on Farringdon Road.

Kharine managers have repeatedly denied reports Kenna League-backed doping. They claim the CCTV image ‘proves beyond doubt the Russians are behind everything’.

The manager of Breivik Babes, who finished fourth from bottom in the Kharine, says Russian interference cost him the chance of winning the competition.

He said: “During the Kharine auction I was briefly mindless and when I came to I’d bought Mauro Icardi. He wasn’t even in the Argentina squad.

“The Russians are definitely behind this. You’d never find me getting high at a Kenna auction.”

The Kharine ‘poisoning’ was so widespread a manager absent from the auction ended up winning the competition putting in silent bids from New York.

At the time the Pikov Scuminov manager said the victory ‘doesn’t feel right’.

Share Button

Mo Me The Mané 2018/19

Dogged: The Mo Me The Money manager
Dogged: The Mo Me The Money manager

Manager: Mackay (Shrewsbury)

Since: 2018

Home ground: Salah Street

Training facility: The Sadio

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
Debut season

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Show Me The Money – Mike Diva

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £13m
Spend: £12.5m
Players sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £0.5m

Lossl, J HUD  £5.00
Rose, D TOT  £8.00
Dunk, L BTN  £4.00
Tarkowski, J BUR  £6.00
Matip, J LIV  £5.00
Silva, D MCY  £22.00
Seri, J FUL  £11.00
Hughes, W WAT  £3.00
Brooks, D (TW1) BOU  £12.00
Rashford, M MUN  £12.00
Bonatini, L (TW1) WLV  £0.50
 £88.50

Auction XI

Lossl, J HUD  £5.00
Rose, D TOT  £8.00
Dunk, L BTN  £4.00
Tarkowski, J BUR  £6.00
Matip, J LIV  £5.00
Silva, D MCY  £22.00
Seri, J FUL  £11.00
Hughes, W WAT  £3.00
Barry Bennell BRM  £16.00
Rashford, M MUN  £12.00
Rolf Harris BRM  £5.00
 £97.00
Share Button

Clotted Cream First 2018/19

Bloody Mary: The Clotted Cream First manager
Bloody Mary: The Clotted Cream First manager

Manager: Oli (Devon)

Since: 2018

Home ground: The Dairy

Training facility: Princetown

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
Debut season

Sympathies: Exeter City

Darts music: Devonshire Cream and Cider – Malcolm McEachern

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £11m
Spend: £10m
Player sales: £0.5m (Lanzini to Lokomotiv Leeds)
Remaining budget: £1.5m

Lloris, H TOT  £15.00
Alexander-Arnold, T LIV  £6.00
Ake, N BOU  £4.00
Lascelles, J NEW  £7.00
Valencia, A MUN  £8.00
McArthur, J CRY  £2.00
Xhaka, G ARS  £0.50
Costa, H (TW1) WLV  £8.00
Barkley, R (TW1) CHE  £2.00
Aguero, S MCY  £40.00
Austin, C SOT  £11.00
 £103.50

Auction XI

Lloris, H TOT  £15.00
Alexander-Arnold, T LIV  £6.00
Ake, N BOU  £4.00
Lascelles, J NEW  £7.00
Valencia, A MUN  £8.00
McArthur, J CRY  £2.00
Xhaka, G ARS  £0.50
Lanzini, M WHM  £5.00
Izquierdo, J BTN  £0.50
Aguero, S MCY  £40.00
Austin, C SOT  £11.00
 £99.00
Share Button

Dagger’n Redbridge 2018/19

Rob anon
Hay carumba: The Dagger’n Redbridge manager

Manager: Rob (London)

Twitter name: @pixelbasheriser

Since: 2018

Home ground: Elm Park

Training facility: Rippleside Knife Bin

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
Debut season

Sympathies: QPR

Darts music: Chelsea Dagger – The Fratellis

Second transfer window – February 2019

Starting budget: £118.5m
Spend: £44.5m
Player sales:
Remaining budget:

Ryan, M BTN  £0.50
Tarkowski, J BUR  £3.00
Smith, A BOU  £0.50
Morgan, W LEI  £0.50
Rice, D WHM  £9.00
Foden, P MCY  £1.00
Matic, N MUN  £0.50
Ibe, J BOU  £12.00
March, S BTN  £15.00
Llorente, F TOT  £0.50
Gray, D LEI  £15.00
 £57.50

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £108.5
Spend: N/A
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £108.5m

Ryan, M BTN  £0.50
Tarkowski, J BUR  £3.00
Smith, A BOU  £0.50
Morgan, W LEI  £0.50
Klavan, R LIV  £0.50
Foden, P MCY  £1.00
Matic, N MUN  £0.50
Dembele, M TOT  £0.50
Romeu, O SOT  £0.50
Ayew, J CRY  £0.50
Abraham, T CHE  £0.50
 £8.50

Auction XI

Ryan, M BTN  £0.50
Tarkowski, J BUR  £3.00
Smith, A BOU  £0.50
Morgan, W LEI  £0.50
Klavan, R LIV  £0.50
Foden, P MCY  £1.00
Matic, N MUN  £0.50
Dembele, M TOT  £0.50
Romeu, O SOT  £0.50
Ayew, J CRY  £0.50
Abraham, T CHE  £0.50
 £8.50
Share Button

Still Don’t Know Yet 2018/19

Ball profile pic
Undecided: The Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name@peterball01

Since: 2012

Home ground: Undetermined Street

Training facility: Klub Kudos

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Form
2012/13 – 14th
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 18th (relegated)
2015/16 – 19th (relegated)
2017/18 – 7th

Sympathies: Boro

Darts musicTheme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £11.5m
Spend: £5m
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Etheridge, N (TW1) CAR  £0.50
Gibson, B BUR  £4.00
Fosu-Mensah, T FUL  £1.00
Hoedt, W SOT  £0.50
Schlupp, J (TW1) CRY  £0.50
Traore, A WLV  £11.00
Eriksen, C TOT  £29.00
Lallana, A LIV  £0.50
Bernard EVE  £0.50
Aubameyang, P ARS  £40.00
Muto, Y (TW1) NEW  £4.00
 £93.00

Auction XI

Romero, S MUN  £2.00
Gibson, B BUR  £4.00
Fosu-Mensah, T FUL  £1.00
Hoedt, W SOT  £0.50
Mangala, E MCY  £0.50
Traore, A WLV  £11.00
Eriksen, C TOT  £29.00
Lallana, A LIV  £0.50
Bernard EVE  £0.50
Aubameyang, P ARS  £40.00
Batshuayi, M CHE  £11.00
 £98.50
Share Button

Test Team (Please Ignore) 2018/19

Paul pic
Chilling with my bitch: The Sleptember XI manager

Manager: Paul

Twitter name@whitewashweb

Since: 2016

Home ground: Autumn Road

Training facility: The Schlepp

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2016/17 – 6th
2017/18 – 21st

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts musicSeptember – Earth, Wind & Fire

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £17m
Spend: N/A
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £17m

Alisson LIV  £20.00
Davies, B TOT  £12.00
Smalling, C MUN  £6.00
Mustafi, S ARS  £7.00
Cresswell, A WHM  £5.00
Mahrez, R MCY  £19.00
Loftus-Cheek, R CHE  £0.50
Schurrle, A FUL  £16.00
Gudmundsson, JB BUR  £3.00
King, J BOU  £4.00
Zohore, K CAR  £0.50
 £93.00

Auction XI

Alisson LIV  £20.00
Davies, B TOT  £12.00
Smalling, C MUN  £6.00
Mustafi, S ARS  £7.00
Cresswell, A WHM  £5.00
Mahrez, R MCY  £19.00
Loftus-Cheek, R CHE  £0.50
Schurrle, A FUL  £16.00
Gudmundsson, JB BUR  £3.00
King, J BOU  £4.00
Zohore, K CAR  £0.50
 £93.00
Share Button

Sporting Lesbian 2018/19

Ben M profile
Sloth: The Sporting Lesbian manager

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name@BenMarcangelo

Since: 2012

Home ground: Todger Dodger Street

Training facility: The Dyke

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2012/13 and 2014/15

Kenna Index rating TBC
2012/13 – 1st
2013/14 – 8th
2014/15 – 1st
2015/16 – missed auction due to washing machine delivery
2016/17 – 8th
2017/18 – 2nd

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts musicLesbian Seagull – David van Driessen

First transfer window – October 2019

Starting budget: £19m
Spend: £12m
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £7m

Darlow, K (TW1) NEW £0.50
Bellerin, H ARS £10.00
Wan-Bissaka, A (TW1) CRY £11.00
Janmaat, D (TW1) WAT £0.50
Chilwell, B LEI £0.50
Sane, L MCY £27.00
Sessegnon, R FUL £17.00
Henderson, J LIV £0.50
Kovacic, M CHE £0.50
Arnautovic, M WHM £23.00
Wood, C BUR £11.00
£91.00

Auction XI

Guaita, V CRY £0.50
Bellerin, H ARS £10.00
Kongolo, T HUD £0.50
Schar, F NEW £0.50
Chilwell, B LEI £0.50
Sane, L MCY £27.00
Sessegnon, R FUL £17.00
Henderson, J LIV £0.50
Kovacic, M CHE £0.50
Arnautovic, M WHM £23.00
Wood, C BUR £11.00
£91.00
Share Button