2018 – Page 4 – The Jeff Kenna League

Dynamo Charlton 2018/19

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name: @alexbass75

Since: 2011

Home ground: The Dynamic Valley

Training facility: Stone Lake

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Form
2011/12 – 6th
2012/13 – 6th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 15th
2015/16 – 4th
2016/17 – 15th
2017/18 – 10th

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts music: The Gladiators TV theme

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £82.5m
Spend: £17m
Player sales: £0.5m (Chicharito to Bala Rinas)
Remaining budget: £66m

Foster, B	WAT	£10.00
Dalot, D	MUN	£0.50
Kolasinac, S	ARS	£0.50
Jorgensen, M	HUD	£0.50
Cook, S	BOU	£0.50
Pedro	CHE	£13.00
Moutinho, J	WLV	£5.00
Wijnaldum, G	LIV	£5.00
Jahanbakhsh, A	BTN	£0.50
Tosun, C	EVE	£26.00
Vokes, S (TW1)	BUR	£17.00
		£78.50

Auction XI

Foster, B	WAT	£10.00
Dalot, D	MUN	£0.50
Kolasinac, S	ARS	£0.50
Jorgensen, M	HUD	£0.50
Cook, S	BOU	£0.50
Pedro	CHE	£13.00
Moutinho, J	WLV	£5.00
Wijnaldum, G	LIV	£5.00
Jahanbakhsh, A	BTN	£0.50
Tosun, C	EVE	£26.00
Hernandez, J	WHM	£11.00
		£72.50

Cowley Casuals 2018/19

Stu manager pic — Buckets of potential: The Cowley Casuals manager

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @sfinch100

Since: 2012

Home ground: Ground Zero Hours

Training facility: The Agency

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winners 2015

Form
2012/13 – 17th
2013/14 – did not enter
2014/15 – 2nd
2015/16 – 12th
2016/17 – 7th
2017/18 – 16th

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts music: Menergy – Patrick Cowley

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £13m
Spend: £1.5m
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: 11.5m

Gunn, A	SOT	£0.50
Luiz, D	CHE	£10.00
Mendy, B	MCY	£26.00
Lovren, D (TW1)	LIV	£0.50
Jones, P (TW1)	MUN	£0.50
Jota, D	WLV	£16.00
Maddison, J	LEI	£9.00
Cairney, T	FUL	£10.00
Gomes, A (TW1)	EVE	£0.50
Wilson, C	BOU	£10.00
Deeney, T	WAT	£1.00
		£97.00

Auction XI

Gunn, A	SOT	£0.50
Luiz, D	CHE	£10.00
Mendy, B	MCY	£26.00
Lichtsteiner, S	ARS	£2.00
Fredericks, R	WHM	£0.50
Jota, D	WLV	£16.00
Maddison, J	LEI	£9.00
Cairney, T	FUL	£10.00
Fred	MUN	£12.00
Wilson, C	BOU	£10.00
Deeney, T	WAT	£1.00
		£97.00

Bala Rinas 2018/19

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – league treasurer)

Home ground: Bala Park

Training facility: Tutu Lake

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2007/08 – 12th (relegated)
2011/12 – 8th
2012/13 – 13th
2013/14 – 3rd
2014/15 – 3rd
2015/16 – 3rd
2016/17 – 9th
2017/18 – 19th

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Second transfer window – February 2019

Starting budget: £106m
Spend: £2m
Player sales:
Remaining budget:

Moraes, E	MCY	£14.00
Doherty, M	WLV	£5.00
Shaw, L	MUN	£0.50
Zouma, K	EVE	£0.50
Lichtsteiner, S (TW2)	ARS	£0.50
Deulofeu, G	WAT	£0.50
Willian	CHE	£0.50
Milner, J	LIV	£0.50
Dier, E	TOT	£0.50
Hernandez, J	WHM	£0.50
Gabbiadini, M	SOT	£0.50
		£23.50

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £86.5m
Spend: £1.5m
Player sales: £11m (Joselu to Lokomotiv Leeds)
Remaining budget: £96m

Moraes, E	MCY	£14.00
Doherty, M	WLV	£5.00
Shaw, L	MUN	£0.50
Zouma, K	EVE	£0.50
Holding, R (TW1)	ARS	£0.50
Deulofeu, G	WAT	£0.50
Willian	CHE	£0.50
Milner, J	LIV	£0.50
Dier, E	TOT	£0.50
Hernandez, J (TW1)	WHM	£0.50
Gabbiadini, M (TW1)	SOT	£0.50
		£23.50

Auction XI

Moraes, E	MCY	£14.00
Doherty, M	WLV	£5.00
Shaw, L	MUN	£0.50
Zouma, K	EVE	£0.50
Balogun, L	BTN	£0.50
Deulofeu, G	WAT	£0.50
Willian	CHE	£0.50
Milner, J	LIV	£0.50
Dier, E	TOT	£0.50
Perez, L	WHM	£0.50
Joselu	NEW	£0.50
		£23.50

Fat Ladies 2018/19

Fat Ladies manager picture — Pies the limit: The Fat Ladies manager

Manager: Ted (Coventry)

Twitter name: @haggerstontimes

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Home ground: Haggerston Park

Training facility: Kingsland Road

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2007/08

Form
2005/06 – 5th
2007/08 – 4th
2008/09 – 1st
2009/10 – 12th (relegated)
2014/15 – 19th (relegated)

Sympathies: Coventry, Manchester United

Darts music: Single Ladies – Beyonce

Second transfer window – February 2019

Starting budget: £23.5m
Spend: £1.5m
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget:

Rico, S	FUL	£2.00
Vertonghen, J	TOT	£16.00
van Dijk, V	LIV	£22.00
Laporte, A	MCY	£0.50
Soares, C (TW2)	SOT	£0.50
Hazard, E	CHE	£26.00
Suarez, D (TW2)	ARS	£0.50
Townsend, A (TW1)	CRY	£0.50
Fred (TW2)	MUN	£0.50
Mounie, S	HUD	£1.00
Vardy, J	LEI	£26.00
		£95.50

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £14.5m
Spend: £1m
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £13.5m

Rico, S	FUL	£2.00
Vertonghen, J	TOT	£16.00
van Dijk, V	LIV	£22.00
Laporte, A	MCY	£0.50
Baines, L	EVE	£0.50
Hazard, E	CHE	£26.00
Fellaini, M (TW1)	MUN	£0.50
Townsend, A (TW1)	CRY	£0.50
Defour, S	BUR	£0.50
Mounie, S	HUD	£1.00
Vardy, J	LEI	£26.00
		£95.50

Auction XI

Rico, S	FUL	£2.00
Vertonghen, J	TOT	£16.00
van Dijk, V	LIV	£22.00
Laporte, A	MCY	£0.50
Baines, L	EVE	£0.50
Hazard, E	CHE	£26.00
Puncheon, J	CRY	£0.50
Herrera, A	MUN	£0.50
Defour, S	BUR	£0.50
Mounie, S	HUD	£1.00
Vardy, J	LEI	£26.00
		£95.50

Young Boys 2018/19

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name: @andenney

Since: 2007

Home ground: Yewtree Lane

Training facility: Fiddler’s Harris

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11 and 2015/16, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Form
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd (cup winners)
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st (champions)
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th
2015/16 – 1st (champions)
2016/17 – 12th
2017/18 – 12th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

Second transfer window – February 2019

Starting budget: £18.5m
Spend: £1.5m
Player sales:
Remaining budget: £m

Boruc, A (TW2)	BOU	£0.50
Gomez, J	LIV	£0.50
Keane, M	EVE	£3.00
Tomkins, J	CRY	£0.50
Rudiger, A	CHE	£15.00
Gross, P	BTN	£13.00
Silva, B	MCY	£25.00
Pereyra, R	WAT	£1.00
Herrera, A (TW2)	MUN	£0.50
Lacazette, A	ARS	£40.00
Niasse, O (TW2)	CAR	£0.50
		£99.50

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £10.5m
Spend: £2m
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £8.5m

Bettinelli, M (TW1)	FUL	£0.50
Gomez, J	LIV	£0.50
Keane, M	EVE	£3.00
Tomkins, J	CRY	£0.50
Rudiger, A	CHE	£15.00
Gross, P	BTN	£13.00
Silva, B	MCY	£25.00
Pereyra, R	WAT	£1.00
Lennon, A (TW1)	BUR	£0.50
Lacazette, A	ARS	£40.00
Depoitre, L (TW1)	HUD	£1.00
		£100m

Auction XI

Heaton, T	BUR	£0.50
Gomez, J	LIV	£0.50
Keane, M	EVE	£3.00
Tomkins, J	CRY	£0.50
Rudiger, A	CHE	£15.00
Gross, P	BTN	£13.00
Silva, B	MCY	£25.00
Pereyra, R	WAT	£1.00
Shipman, H	BRM	£0.50
Lacazette, A	ARS	£40.00
Llorente, F	TOT	£0.50
		£99.50

Chairman’s XI 2018/19

Chairman 69 problems — …but running the best pub-based fantasy football auction in London ain’t one: The Chairman

Manager: Stix

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and chairman)

Home ground: West Green Road

Training facility: Black Boy Lane

Trophy cabinet:
Champions 2005/06
Canesten Combi Cup winner 2006
Treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Dr Khumalo World Cup 2010)
Narcozep Cup winner 2017

Form
2005/06 – 1st
2006/07 – 3rd
2007/08 – 7th
2008/09 – 9th
2009/10 – 1st
2010/11 – 4th
2011/12 – 16th
2012/13 – 18th (relegated)
2013/14 – 10th
2014/15 – 11th
2015/16 – 11th
2016/17 – 13th (cup winner)
2017/18 – 15th

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Let Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D

Second transfer window – February 2019

Remaining budget: £22m
Spend: £0.5m
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £21.5m

Hennessey, W	CRY	£1.00
Stones, J	MCY	£9.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£17.00
Bertrand, R	SOT	£10.00
Daniels, C	BOU	£3.00
Antonio, M	WHM	£7.00
Ritchie, M	NEW	£6.00
Keita, N	LIV	£19.00
Neves, R	WLV	£17.00
Barnes, A	BUR	£3.00
Locadia, J (TW2)	BTN	£0.50
		£92.50

First transfer window – October 2018

Remaining budget: £12m
Spend: N/A
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £12m

Hennessey, W	CRY	£1.00
Stones, J	MCY	£9.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£17.00
Bertrand, R	SOT	£10.00
Daniels, C	BOU	£3.00
Antonio, M	WHM	£7.00
Ritchie, M	NEW	£6.00
Keita, N	LIV	£19.00
Neves, R	WLV	£17.00
Barnes, A	BUR	£3.00
Welbeck, D	ARS	£6.00
		£98.00

Auction XI

Hennessey, W	CRY	£1.00
Stones, J	MCY	£9.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£17.00
Bertrand, R	SOT	£10.00
Daniels, C	BOU	£3.00
Antonio, M	WHM	£7.00
Ritchie, M	NEW	£6.00
Keita, N	LIV	£19.00
Neves, R	WLV	£17.00
Barnes, A	BUR	£3.00
Welbeck, D	ARS	£6.00
		£98.00

Rob Green signed as tour guide

ROB Green has signed for Chelsea to introduce the club’s new foreign signings to English culture.

The 38-year-old goalkeeper isn’t expected to take part in any football matches, just show new players famous London landmarks and introduce them to British cuisine.

Chelsea’s £50.4m signing Jorginho was the first to go on Green’s induction and spoke about his experience.

“Yesterday Rob take me Tower of London. I say to him ‘Rob, what are these men in the red facking uniforms?’

“He tell me they are Beefeaters. You English crazy. How they going catch crooks stealing the crown jewels in that stupid facking outfit.

Green then took Jorginho on a Thames Clipper cruise before the pair went for lunch.

“I tell him ‘Rob, I want to eat the fish and the facking chips, Rob. The fish and the facking chips.’

“He show me saveloy sausage and teach me new phrase ‘oi oi, saveloy’.

“We get the fish and the facking chips in paper and eat sitting on wall in front of tower block, like the real English people. I take one bite and say ‘Rob, this English food it taste like the facking shit.”

Should Chelsea sign Juventus centre-back Daniele Rugani, Green plans to take him to Madame Tussauds before going for pie and mash in Islington.

Kenna League managers are not expected to sign Green at next month’s fantasy football auction, but interest in Jorginho is likely to see the Italian fetch a high price in the bidding.

“Oi, oi, facking saveloy,” said the former Napoli midfielder.

Kharine win ‘doesn’t feel right’

PIKOV Scuminov lifted the Dmitri Kharine World Cup yesterday but their manager says ‘it doesn’t feel right’ as he remotely bid in the auction.

Antoine Greizmann got a goal and an assist to become the second-highest individual scorer at the tournament and help ‘the Scum‘ secure the Kenna-Kharine double in 2018.

“Muted celebrations in the office as winning without attending the auction doesn’t feel right,” said the Scum boss about calling into last month’s London auction from his New York base.

The Scum manager has clearly forgotten the controversy of the Emerson World Cup four years ago, when the Testiculadewland manager won the tournament after a ‘tactical no show’ at the auction.

“We don’t want to send a message managers have more chance of winning World Cups if they don’t show up to the auction,” read a statement from the chairman last night.

Given the leaked Wada report about several managers testing positive for banned substances at the event last month, many believe the auction is fast becoming the last place to find a successful fantasy football manager.

Special Kharine mention goes to Putin More Russians Puns, who after a nervy group stage raced up the table in the knockout round to take surprise third place, mainly thanks to Eden Hazard and Kylian Mbappe.

Sadly, for the PMRP manager cash prizes are only being awarded to first and second place.

Better luck next time goes to Test Team (Please Ignore). Having come last in the Kharine, their manager can look forward to a few nights in the gulag where a hand job from Pussy Riot will be the least of his problems.

Kharine table – final standings

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kharine - final table - 16 July 2018 — Kharine – final table – 16 July 2018

Kharine – top 30 players

Kharine managers ‘were all on drugs’

THE Pikov Scuminov manager says his rivals must have ‘all been on drugs’ after going 10 points clear at the top of the Dmitri Kharine World Cup table this week.

Bidding remotely from the US, the Scuminov boss only signed a handful of players at the auction last month including Antoine Greizmann for £28m and Timo Werner for £32m.

He picked up leftovers after the event, such as the unsigned defender Miranda, for £0.5m.

“You guys must have all been on drugs for no-one to have bid for the Brazil captain or gone above £5m for Diego Godin,” said the Pikov Scuminov manager.

Whether Kharine managers were on drugs or not at the auction is still being investigated by the World Anti Doping Agency after several urine samples tested positive for banned substances.

Kharine managers are pleading their innocence but Wada says managerial decision making at the auction is building a strong case against them.

“The Test Team (Please Ignore) manager signed a back three of Medhi Benatia, Kalidou Koulibaly and Nikola Milenkovic,” begins a leaked extract from the damning Wada report.

“The Lokomotiv Leeds manager spent £26m on strikers from Saudi Arabia and South Korea.

“The Breivik Babes manager signed Mauro Icardi. He wasn’t even named in the Argentina squad.

“Fat Ladies started the tournament with tennis player Maria Sharapova in attack.

“How can we draw any other conclusion than these people were out of their tiny little minds?”

A source at Kenna HQ refuted the allegations.

“Has Wada never been to a Kenna auction before? These managers weren’t doping, they’ve just always been a bit slow.”

Kharine table – post semis

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kharine post semis - 12 July 2018 — Kharine post semis – 12 July 2018

Two horse Kharine

TWO matches to go for all players left in the tournament and the Kharine is a two horse race.

Pikov Scuminov (175 points – Sterling, Greizmann, Mertens) have the strongest hand with three attacking starters and at least one bound to appear in the ‘traditionally a goal fest’ third place game.

The manager of I Knew Sterling Would F*ck It Up! (168 – Strinic, Lukaku, Rashford, Dembele) relies on clean sheets and substitute appearances.

Kharine organiser the vice chairman has hinted there will only be cash prizes for first and second place, but this remains unconfirmed and four sides jostle for the honour of third:

FC Testiculadew (147 – Pickford, Meunier, Lemar)
Lubyanka B (146 – Vertonghen, Lingard, Kramaric)
Lokomotiv Leeds (143 – Perisic, Giroud)
Putin More Russian Puns (141 – Walker, Hazard, Mbappe, Mandzukic)

Since the vice chairman’s team Young Bolsheviks hasn’t been in with a chance of a podium finish since the start of the Kharine, remuneration for third place is solely expected to be kudos.

One remarkable similarity between the last four nations left in Russia is their disciplinary record. Not one country has seen red and aside from Croatia (12) yellow cards have been sparse for England (5), Belgium (7) and France (8).

In a recent football history where the French throw their toys out the pram and sulk on the team coach, an England player cracks under pressure at a crucial moment or Marouane Fellaini, can those remaining hold their nerve?

Conversely, while the England football team has committed the fewest fouls of the remaining nations, their supporters continue to prove their fellow countryman Charles Darwin’s theory of natural selection with a series of celebration-related incidents.

@AskPaddyPower What are the odds of numbers of Englishmen to die in celebration-related injuries over the next seven days?

— Stix (@jeffkennaleague) July 9, 2018

Kharine table – post quarter finals

Full scores available from The Rub.