Year: 2018

THE front door of the flat was like a Panamanian defence. It looked big and imposing but I picked it open in seconds.

As soon as I opened the door the smell was everywhere. Acrid. It hit the back of my throat like a desperate German clearance into a match-weary South Korean groin.

I stepped into the stuffy entrance hall and closed the front door behind me. The smell intensified as I stood there listening for any movement. It was as quiet as a Berlin fan park at the end of the group stage, and just as threatening.

Carefully I began to walk through the flat. The remains of a takeaway and a six Jamaican lager beers for five pounds deal was on the coffee table in the lounge along with some curious-looking DVDs, but other than the flat looked as untouched as the Spain quarter final hotel booking.

As I approached what I guessed was the bedroom the pungent smell grew stronger. I turned the knob and as the door creaked open I had to cover my face with my arm.

There were flies everywhere. Big, blue and green blow flies that buzzed like a Balkan midfield during a useful spell of possession. At the centre of the black mass of insects lying on the bed was the shape of what used to be a living being, naked except for the flies, a pair of pants around its ankles and a brown leather belt around its neck.

Even in the midst of the city’s heatwave, where the clothes on broads became as minimal as their patience for men watching three games a day, there was no way this level of decomposition could happen this early in the tournament. It must have been here since just after he first round of group stage matches.

These days there were stiffs turning up all over the city. It was normally the work of the manager experiences department. Those Chekist bullies had people squibbed off for nothing more than bad table manners.

But this didn’t look like the work of a manager experiences button man. The place was too tidy, the drawers weren’t overturned and the corpse was still in one piece.

My hand over my mouth I moved in for a closer inspection. The flies continued to foam around the dark opening of the mouth. The eyes were sunk back into the skull, deeper than Belgian wingbacks in the opposition half, and just as shifty looking.

The expression on the face when he’d faced the big one was still there. It looked like a blunted Argentine attack, not sure whether it was just about coming into form or never finding it again.

I returned to the entrance hall and dialled Kenna HQ.

“Put me through to the vice chairman’s office. Tell him it’s urgent,” I barked at the secretary, the smell had stripped me of my politer conversation. By now she recognised my voice.

The phone clicked and the vice chairman was there.

“What have you got?” he said. He didn’t sound in a good mood, like a Colombian after losing a penalty shootout.

“I’ve found him,” I told the vice chairman.

“You’re sure?” he perked up.

“Yes, and he’s been dead for sometime.”

“Was it manager experiences? I knew the chairman would be behind this,” he began to jabber, but I interrupted him before he could lay out his whole, whacky conspiracy theory.

“He wasn’t blipped off by anyone else. It looks like he choked himself off while he choked himself off, if you get my meaning. There’s some pretty wild smut in the lounge. And he’s been dead for some time.”

The vice chairman breathed heavily at the end of the phone before saying: “Alright, collect your pay next time you’re here.”

I hung up. Before I left the flat I took one last look at the poor sucker in the bedroom I’d been hunting down for the last two weeks.

It was the remains of the vice chairman’s Kharine title hopes.

Kharine table – after the round of last 16

Full scores available from The Rub.

GERMANY’s biggest defeat in Russia since the Battle of Stalingrad was bad news for 13 of the 16 Dmitri Kharine World Cup managers.

More money was spent on Germans at the Kharine auction than on players from any other nation.

Shelling out £193m on the Teutonic flops, Kharine managers also spent more on average per German player: £14.85m.

Timo Werner was the most expensive German. He cost Pikov Scuminov £32m and returned just one assist, although his poor form didn’t stop the side top scoring this round to keep hold of second place.

The manager of I Knew Sterling Would F*ck It Up! was one of only three competitors not to sign a German. His team stay top of the Kharine.

Sporting Lesbian signed the second-most expensive Die Mannschaft player, Thomas Muller for £30m. His only contribution was a yellow card.

For £27m, Goulash County bought Jerome Boateng and got two goals conceded and a red card in return.

Belgians were the next most popular with Kharine managers with an average spend per player of £14.25m.

Romelu Lukaku (I Knew Sterling Would F*ck It Up!) and Kevin de Bruyne (The Breivik Babes) both went for more than £30m although their managers will be disappointed they missed out on last night’s training game in Kaliningrad.

Discounting the folly of the Lokomotiv Leeds manager who saw fit to splash out £26m on a South Korean and Saudi strike partnership, France was the third most expensive country when it came to player sales: £11.21m per player on average.

Of the 16 managers to compete in the Kharine, 14 signed French players, alongside Argentina and England the most players purchased of any nationality.

	Players	Value (£m)	Average per player (£m)
Germany	13	193	14.85
Belgium	11	156.5	14.25
Saudi Arabia	1	13	13
South Korea	1	13	13
France	14	157	11.21
Argentina	14	153.5	11
Spain	11	113	10.27
Portugal	8	77	9.63
Poland	4	25	9.63
Iceland	1	8	8
England	14	110	7.86
Uruguay	9	70	7.78
Colombia	6	38	6.33
Senegal	3	17	5.67
Denmark	4	22	5.5
Croatia	9	48.5	5.38
Mexico	5	17.5	3.5
Serbia	6	20.5	3.42
Russia	3	8	2.67
Morocco	3	5.5	1.83
Nigeria	4	7	1.75
Switzerland	6	8	1.33
Peru	3	4	1.33
Australia	2	1.5	0.75
Costa Rica	1	0.5	0.5
Japan	1	0.5	0.5

Kharine table – after the group stage

Full scores available from The Rub.

Team Name	Name	Pos	Team	Cost
Pikov Scuminov	Mercado, G	DEF	ARG	£    0.50
Lubyanka B	Banega, E	MID	ARG	£    0.50
Chemical Academical	Otamendi, N	DEF	ARG	£    0.50
Test Team (please ignore)	Messi, L	STR	ARG	£ 38.00
Fat Ladies	Guzman, N	GK	ARG	£    3.00
The Breivik Babes	Icardi, M	STR	ARG	£    0.50
No fiesta without Iniesta	Romero, S	GK	ARG	£ 10.00
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	di Maria, A	MID	ARG	£    9.00
Young Bolsheviks	Aguero, S	STR	ARG	£ 40.00
Putin More Russian Puns	Lo Celso, G	MID	ARG	£    2.00
Sailsbury FC	Higuain, G	STR	ARG	£ 28.00
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Mascherano, J	DEF	ARG	£    4.00
Sporting Lesbians	Dybala, P	STR	ARG	£ 17.00
FC Testiculadewland	Rojo, M	DEF	ARG	£    0.50
Chemical Academical	Jedinak, M	MID	AUS	£    0.50
Test Team (please ignore)	Cahill, T	MID	AUS	£    1.00
Pikov Scuminov	Mertens, D	STR	BEL	£    0.50
Lubyanka B	Vertonghen, J	DEF	BEL	£ 16.00
Chemical Academical	Courtois, T	GK	BEL	£ 16.00
The Breivik Babes	de Bruyne, K	MID	BEL	£ 31.00
No fiesta without Iniesta	Kompany, V	DEF	BEL	£ 17.00
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	Lukaku, R	STR	BEL	£ 33.00
Young Bolsheviks	Alderweireld, T	DEF	BEL	£ 14.00
Putin More Russian Puns	Hazard, E	MID	BEL	£ 26.00
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Batshuayi, M	STR	BEL	£    2.00
Sporting Lesbians	Witsel, A	MID	BEL	£    0.50
FC Testiculadewland	Meunier, T	DEF	BEL	£    0.50
Pikov Scuminov	Miranda	DEF	BRA	£    0.50
Lubyanka B	Marcelo	DEF	BRA	£ 22.00
Chemical Academical	Jesus, G	STR	BRA	£ 24.00
Test Team (please ignore)	Casemiro	MID	BRA	£    3.00
Fat Ladies	Fernandinho	MID	BRA	£    0.50
The Breivik Babes	Fred	MID	BRA	£    0.50
No fiesta without Iniesta	Coutinho, P	MID	BRA	£ 27.00
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	Alisson	GK	BRA	£    2.00
Young Bolsheviks	Augusto, R	MID	BRA	£    0.50
Goulash County	Neymar	STR	BRA	£ 24.00
Lokomotiv Leeds	Silva, T	DEF	BRA	£ 10.00
Putin More Russian Puns	Marquinhos	DEF	BRA	£    4.00
Sailsbury FC	Firmino, R	STR	BRA	£ 18.00
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Paulinho	MID	BRA	£    8.00
Sporting Lesbians	Danilo	DEF	BRA	£    0.50
FC Testiculadewland	Willian	MID	BRA	£    5.00
Chemical Academical	Grigori Rasputin	DEF	BRM	£ 14.00
Fat Ladies	Maria Sharapova	STR	BRM	£ 24.00
Chemical Academical	Cuadrado, J	MID	COL	£    1.00
Young Bolsheviks	Baccas, C	STR	COL	£    0.50
Goulash County	Ospina, D	GK	COL	£    6.00
Sailsbury FC	Falcao, R	STR	COL	£    5.00
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Arias, S	DEF	COL	£    0.50
Sporting Lesbians	Rodriguez, J	MID	COL	£ 25.00
Young Bolsheviks	Ruiz, B	MID	COS	£    0.50
Lubyanka B	Kramaric, A	STR	CRO	£    0.50
The Breivik Babes	Lovren, D	DEF	CRO	£    1.00
No fiesta without Iniesta	Modric, L	MID	CRO	£ 13.00
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	Strinic, I	DEF	CRO	£    4.00
Goulash County	Vida, D	DEF	CRO	£    3.00
Lokomotiv Leeds	Perisic, I	MID	CRO	£ 15.00
Putin More Russian Puns	Mandzukic, M	STR	CRO	£    0.50
Sailsbury FC	Vrsaljko, S	DEF	CRO	£    0.50
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Rakitic, I	MID	CRO	£ 11.00
Pikov Scuminov	Schmeichel, K	GK	DEN	£    0.50
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	Kjaer, S	DEF	DEN	£    3.00
Lokomotiv Leeds	Vestergaard, J	DEF	DEN	£    0.50
Putin More Russian Puns	Eriksen, C	MID	DEN	£ 18.00
Goulash County	Salah, M	STR	EGY	£ 24.00
Pikov Scuminov	Sterling, R	MID	ENG	£    9.00
Lubyanka B	Lingard, J	MID	ENG	£    5.00
Test Team (please ignore)	Vardy, J	STR	ENG	£    7.00
Fat Ladies	Stones, J	DEF	ENG	£    4.00
No fiesta without Iniesta	Henderson, J	MID	ENG	£    2.00
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	Rashford, M	STR	ENG	£ 10.00
Young Bolsheviks	Trippier, K	DEF	ENG	£    8.00
Goulash County	Rose, D	DEF	ENG	£    4.00
Putin More Russian Puns	Walker, K	DEF	ENG	£    8.00
Sailsbury FC	Cahill, G	DEF	ENG	£    0.50
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Alli, D	MID	ENG	£ 23.00
Sporting Lesbians	Kane, H	STR	ENG	£    0.50
FC Testiculadewland	Pickford, J	GK	ENG	£    5.00
Lubyanka B	Isco	MID	ESP	£ 19.00
Test Team (please ignore)	de Gea, D	GK	ESP	£ 20.00
Fat Ladies	Pique, G	DEF	ESP	£ 10.00
The Breivik Babes	Silva, D	MID	ESP	£ 20.00
No fiesta without Iniesta	Aspas, I	STR	ESP	£    2.00
Young Bolsheviks	Alba, J	DEF	ESP	£ 10.00
Putin More Russian Puns	Carvajal, D	DEF	ESP	£    7.00
Sailsbury FC	Iniesta, A	MID	ESP	£    7.00
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Ramos, S	DEF	ESP	£ 17.00
Sporting Lesbians	Odriozola, A	DEF	ESP	£    0.50
FC Testiculadewland	Costa, D	STR	ESP	£    0.50
Pikov Scuminov	Griezmann, A	STR	FRA	£ 28.00
Chemical Academical	Mendy, B	DEF	FRA	£    2.00
Test Team (please ignore)	Kante, N	MID	FRA	£    7.00
Fat Ladies	Varane, R	DEF	FRA	£ 12.00
The Breivik Babes	Lloris, H	GK	FRA	£ 17.00
No fiesta without Iniesta	Matuidi, B	MID	FRA	£ 13.00
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	Dembele, O	STR	FRA	£ 10.00
Young Bolsheviks	Umtiti, S	DEF	FRA	£    5.00
Lokomotiv Leeds	Giroud, O	STR	FRA	£ 13.00
Putin More Russian Puns	Mbappe, K	STR	FRA	£ 25.00
Sailsbury FC	Pogba, P	MID	FRA	£ 15.00
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Sidibe, D	DEF	FRA	£    0.50
Sporting Lesbians	Tolisso, C	MID	FRA	£    0.50
FC Testiculadewland	Lemar, T	MID	FRA	£    9.00
Pikov Scuminov	Werner, T	STR	GER	£ 32.00
Lubyanka B	Kroos, T	MID	GER	£ 16.00
Chemical Academical	Ozil, M	MID	GER	£ 11.00
Test Team (please ignore)	Goretzka, L	MID	GER	£    5.00
Fat Ladies	Hector, J	DEF	GER	£    7.00
The Breivik Babes	Hummels, M	DEF	GER	£ 17.00
No fiesta without Iniesta	Gomez, M	STR	GER	£    0.50
Young Bolsheviks	Kimmich, J	DEF	GER	£ 13.00
Goulash County	Boateng, J	DEF	GER	£ 27.00
Putin More Russian Puns	Draxler, J	MID	GER	£    5.00
Sailsbury FC	Rudiger, A	DEF	GER	£    0.50
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Neuer, M	GK	GER	£ 21.00
Sporting Lesbians	Muller, T	MID	GER	£ 30.00
FC Testiculadewland	Reus, M	MID	GER	£    8.00
Lokomotiv Leeds	Sigurdsson, G	MID	ICE	£    8.00
Pikov Scuminov	Honda, K	MID	JPN	£    0.50
Test Team (please ignore)	Lozano, H	STR	MEX	£ 14.00
Fat Ladies	dos Santos, G	MID	MEX	£    0.50
The Breivik Babes	Hernandez, J	STR	MEX	£    2.00
No fiesta without Iniesta	Marquez, R	MID	MEX	£    0.50
Sailsbury FC	Moreno, H	DEF	MEX	£    0.50
Test Team (please ignore)	Benatia, M	DEF	MOR	£    3.00
Goulash County	Hakimi, A	DEF	MOR	£    2.00
Sporting Lesbians	Mohamedi, M	GK	MOR	£    0.50
Lubyanka B	Musa, A	STR	NGA	£    2.00
Fat Ladies	Iwobi, A	MID	NGA	£    0.50
Goulash County	Ndidi, W	MID	NGA	£    0.50
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Mikel, J	MID	NGA	£    4.00
Goulash County	Tapia, R	MID	PER	£    0.50
Putin More Russian Puns	Gallese, P	GK	PER	£    0.50
Sailsbury FC	Flores, E	MID	PER	£    3.00
Pikov Scuminov	Glik, K	DEF	POL	£    0.50
Lubyanka B	Zielinski, P	MID	POL	£    0.50
Lokomotiv Leeds	Grosicki, K	MID	POL	£    1.00
FC Testiculadewland	Lewandowski, R	STR	POL	£ 23.00
Pikov Scuminov	Moutinho, J	MID	POR	£    0.50
Lubyanka B	Soares, C	DEF	POR	£    7.00
Chemical Academical	Silva, An	STR	POR	£    9.00
The Breivik Babes	Alves, B	DEF	POR	£    2.00
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	Silva, B	MID	POR	£    0.50
Lokomotiv Leeds	Pepe	DEF	POR	£    7.00
Sailsbury FC	Patricio, R	GK	POR	£ 10.00
FC Testiculadewland	Ronaldo, C	STR	POR	£ 41.00
No fiesta without Iniesta	Kudryashov, F	DEF	RUS	£    3.00
Lokomotiv Leeds	Akinfeev, I	GK	RUS	£    2.00
FC Testiculadewland	Dzagoev, A	MID	RUS	£    3.00
Lokomotiv Leeds	Al-Sahlawi, M	STR	SAU	£ 13.00
Test Team (please ignore)	Koulibaly, K	DEF	SEN	£    0.50
Young Bolsheviks	Gomis, A	GK	SEN	£    0.50
Lokomotiv Leeds	Mane, S	MID	SEN	£ 16.00
Lokomotiv Leeds	Heung-min, S	STR	SKO	£ 13.00
Chemical Academical	Milinkovic-Savic, S	MID	SRB	£    0.50
Test Team (please ignore)	Milenkovic, N	DEF	SRB	£    0.50
Fat Ladies	Milivojevic, L	MID	SRB	£    2.00
The Breivik Babes	Mitrovic, A	STR	SRB	£    4.00
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	Tadic, D	MID	SRB	£ 13.00
FC Testiculadewland	Kolarov, A	DEF	SRB	£    0.50
The Breivik Babes	Djourou, J	DEF	SUI	£    0.50
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	Shaqiri, X	MID	SUI	£    5.00
Goulash County	Xhaka, G	MID	SUI	£    0.50
Putin More Russian Puns	Lichtsteiner, S	DEF	SUI	£    1.00
Seven Sisters, One Worl Cup	Seferovic, H	STR	SUI	£    0.50
Sporting Lesbians	Rodriguez, R	DEF	SUI	£    0.50
Pikov Scuminov	Godin, D	DEF	URU	£    5.00
Lubyanka B	Muslera, F	GK	URU	£    8.00
Chemical Academical	Varela, G	DEF	URU	£    2.00
Fat Ladies	Suarez, L	STR	URU	£ 26.00
No fiesta without Iniesta	Caceres, M	DEF	URU	£    2.00
I knew Sterling would fuck it up!	Gimenez, J	DEF	URU	£    6.00
Young Bolsheviks	De Arrascaeta, G	MID	URU	£    0.50
Goulash County	Gomez, M	STR	URU	£    0.50
Sporting Lesbians	Cavani, E	STR	URU	£ 20.00

SEVERAL managers tested positive for banned substances at the Dmitri Kharine World Cup auction last Tuesday to put the outcome of the competition into doubt.

FC Testiculadewland took the lead after the first round of matches courtesy of Cristiano Ronaldo (17 points), Aleksander Kolorov (12) and Diego Costa (12), but the World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating reports most Kharine managers failed a urine test.

The Kenna League vice-chairman had organised the auction for the first time and in unprecedented scenes produced a collection of test tubes filled with a yellow liquid.

Over the course of the evening it emerged several managers were competing under the influence of performance ‘enhancing’ drugs, countless pints of lager and shots of Beluga vodka.

Until the Wada investigation is complete, the Kharine is forging ahead with the group stages.

FC Testiculadewland’s bitter rivals I Knew Sterling Would F*ck It Up lie six points off the lead in second thanks to Romelu Lukaku (12), Jose Giminez (12) and Simon Kjaer (7).

Remote bidder the Pikov Scuminov manager is some way adrift in third after solid performances from Dries Mertens (7), Antoine Greizmann (7), Diego Godin (7) and Kasper Schmeichel (7).

Kharine standings – after first round of matches

Full scores available from The Rub.

Ospina, D	COL	£                    6.00
Boateng, J	GER	£                  27.00
Hakimi, A	MOR	£                    2.00
Rose, D	ENG	£                    4.00
Vida, D	CRO	£                     3.00
Xhaka, G	SUI	£                     0.50
Ndidi, W	NGA	£                     0.50
Tapia, R	PER	£                     0.50
Neymar	BRA	£                 24.00
Salah, M	EGY	£                 24.00
Gomez, M	URU	£                     0.50
		£                  92.00