The world's leading London pub-based fantasy football league
| Schmeichel, K | DEN | £ 0.50 |
| Godin, D | URU | £ 5.00 |
| Miranda | BRA | £ 0.50 |
| Mercado, G | ARG | £ 0.50 |
| Glik, K | POL | £ 0.50 |
| Sterling, R | ENG | £ 9.00 |
| Moutinho, J | POR | £ 0.50 |
| Honda, K | JPN | £ 0.50 |
| Werner, T | GER | £ 32.00 |
| Griezmann, A | FRA | £ 28.00 |
| Mertens, D | BEL | £ 0.50 |
| £ 77.50 |
ABANDONED Saudi Arabia flag bunting will be flown at London’s leading pub-based fantasy football World Cup auction next Tuesday (12 June) to ‘celebrate diversity and inclusion’.
The decision was taken by the Kenna League after it emerged on Monday (4 June) Greene King has ordered its pub leaseholders to remove the Saudi Arabia flag from its World Cup bunting.
“All the countries of the World Cup need to be recognised. When we heard Greene King were removing the Saudi flag from its bunting we knew straight away we should make a statement to celebrate diversity and inclusion,” said the Kenna League chairman.
“A World Cup without Saudi Arabia is like a Bloody Mary without horseradish,” continued the chairman. “Who could forget Saeed Al-Owairan running from his own half to score against Belgium in Washington in 1994?
“Or the time…um…you know…when they…err…lost 8-0 to Germany in Sapporo in 2002.”
According to reports in the media, Greene King removed the flag because the Arabic writing reads ‘There is no God but God, Muhammed in the messenger of God’ and ‘some people in London said’ it may cause offence being shown in premises serving alcohol.
“We’re ‘some people in London too’ and according to Wikipedia, the sword represents strictness in applying justice. We think this is absolutely in line with our values of upholding the Titus Bramble ruling,” said the chairman.
The decision by Kenna HQ has divided opinion on Twitter, with two people ‘liking’ the idea but one user taking a different view.
they say ignorance is bliss so I can see why you’re so proud of yourself
— zephyr neat (@zephyr_neat) June 4, 2018
“We could see this Twitter user was particularly interested in the concept so we invited them to take part in next week’s auction,” said the chairman.
“Then we saw he’d used exactly the same comeback to another tweet on the same issue. With that lack of creativity and low number of Twitter followers this person is surely born to be a Kenna manager.”
they say ignorance is bliss..you must be ecstatic
Islam and alcohol is a no no and the verse on the flag is exclusively Islamic..simple— zephyr neat (@zephyr_neat) June 4, 2018
The Dmitri Kharine World Cup 2018 auction begins at 7pm on Tuesday in a Shepherd Neame pub in the City of London.
The Kenna League vice chairman, who is running an auction for the first time, has assured the league it is entirely up to managers themselves whether they would like to be ‘doped’ or ‘poisoned’ by drinks laced with MDMA.
Unless they Bramble.
THE Pikey Scum manager scooped the Kenna champions prize pot and his fourth manager of the month award winning the season on the weekend.
Walthamstow Reds took the Krakow Cup winnings due to two factors, his manager of the month performance in April and a dodgy decision by an independent inquiry panel.
Having won the Kenna twice before, the Sporting Lesbian manager could not rally his side sufficiently to win again but did take runner up spot and three manager of the month awards.
Two Goals One Cup, Lokomotiv Leeds and Piss Poor complete the cash prize winners.
“At this time of year it’s customary to remind those with new-found wealth the Kenna Foundation relies on donations to support managers with their substance misuse,” said the Kenna chairman over a tube of polystyrene cement.
The domestic season over, all eyes now turn to the Dmitri Kharine World Cup auction scheduled to take place on Tuesday 12 June.
For the first time the vice chairman is taking the reins of the auction, and gossip is rife about his plans for the event.
One rumour maintains he plans to ‘poison’ managers with spiked drinks in reference to the recent attack on a former Russian national in Salisbury.
Although should it come to pass, one suspects the vice chairman would make would be less KGB and more Bill Cosby.
Pikey Scum – £190 (Champions: £150, MOTM x4: £10 x4)
Walthamstow Reds – £85 (Cup winner: £75, MOTM: £10)
Sporting Lesbian – £80 (Runner up: £50, MOTM x3: £10 x3)
Two Goals One Cup – £35 (Third place: £25, MOTM: £10)
Lokomotiv Leeds – £10 (Wenger Trophy: £10)
Piss Poor – £10 (MOTM)
WALTHAMSTOW Reds beat Wandsworth Network Solutions by nine points in one of the poorest-quality cup finals in living memory.
A goal from Wilfred Zaha and unremarkable appearances from Butland, Ake, Pogba, Redmond, Carroll and Mounie were enough for Reds to beat off a WNS side missing six players.
A promising Krakow Cup campaign ended with a whimper for the runners up. Aubameyang scored, but Pereyra (2), Sissoko (2), Depoitre (1) and Morgan (-2) left spectators wondering how the team got there in the first place.
An even dimmer view is being taken of the Reds manager’s road to the final, the outfit having lucked through a controversial independent panel review at the semi final stage.
The hashtag #HollowVictory was trending on Twitter for much of Sunday night and continued into Monday morning as the lucrative Far East market awoke to the news.
‘I don’t care how hollow this victory is…TROPHY,’ posted the Reds boss on the Kenna Whatsapp group earlier today after confirmation came through of his first piece of silverware since entering the Kenna League at its beginnings in 2005.
‘I’d like to thank the independent panel members for their wise decision.’
That sideshow over, all eyes now turn to this week’s top scorers and champions elect Pikey Scum who extended their lead at the top of the Kenna to 52 points thanks to a brace from Harry Kane (12) and all sorts of heroics from Andrew Robertson (15).
A maiden Kenna title for the Scum manager after 12 seasons of trying is expected to be ratified after the match at Wembley on Saturday.
Walthamstow Reds 19 – 10 Wandsworth Network Solutions
Full scores available from The Rub.
DOCTORS were conferring in hushed urgency over The Pikey Scum Title Hopes Life Support Machine on Monday as the club emerged from the weekend with their 40-point lead cut by eight points.
It had been another barren weekend for Scum with only Poacher Kane making an impact.
Scum rallied during the weeknight fixtures to increase their lead over Sporting Lesbian to 38 points.
Lesbian star man Mo Salah could produce fireworks on Sunday.
Even then it would still take considerable heroics from his teammates Antonio Valencia and N’Golo Kante seven days on at Wembley to win the Lesbian’s boss a record third Kenna title.
“I’m bricking it,” said the Scum boss, who’s seen the form of Andros Townsend, Marcus Rashford, Sofiane Boufal, Marc Albrighton and Jordan Ayew evaporate over the last few weeks.
Elsewhere, eyes turn to Sunday’s Krakow Cup final showdown between mid-table treadwaters Walthamstow Reds and Wandsworth Network Solutions.
WNS will be looking to goals from Aubameyang and Depoitre, having given up long ago looking for them from Wilfred Bony.
Paul Pogba, Wilfred Zaha and Son Heung-Min are the danger men for Reds, who used an administrative error and a lucky independent panel review to even find themselves in the final.
WALTHAMSTOW Reds survived an independent panel review to qualify for the Krakow Cup final, but winning the trophy will be a hollow victory.
The Reds manager’s best ever chance of silverware in 13 years was under threat after an appeal of scoring errors earlier in the tournament was lodged with Kenna HQ.
While the independent three-man panel found there had indeed been an inaccuracy, they voted two to one in favour of Reds against the chairman’s side Adam Johnson Fan Club.
Should the scoring have been accurately recorded, AJFC would have replaced Reds in the semi final against Pikey Scum.
“If the Reds manager goes on to win it’s never going to sit well with him, it’s never going to sit well with anyone really. He’s got there by bureaucracy rather than merit,” said most of the rest of the league.
“It’s a shame because he’s one of only three managers to enter every season of the Kenna but he’s the only one never to win anything.”
Reds comfortably beat Pikey Scum after the second leg of the Krakow Cup this weekend.
Scum were in the hunt for a double, but will now happily focus on the league where they look to defend a 40-point lead for the next three weeks to secure a debut title.
As for Reds, they go on to face Wandsworth Network Solutions in the final, another side never to have won a trophy.
“Everyone’s rooting for WNS,” said the rest of the league.
Walthamstow Reds 48 (83) – 26 (55) Pikey Scum
WNS 28 (60) – 13 (31) Don’t Know Yet
Krakow Cup final – 15 May
Walthamstow Reds v Wandsworth Network Solutions
Full scores available from The Rub.
HIGH drama has enveloped the latter stages of the Kenna season after it was decreed an independent panel will decide if the wrong team went through from the group stage.
The Walthamstow Reds manager’s best ever chance of maiden silverware in 13 years of trying are under threat.
An appeal lodged by the Tactical Brambler claims his side took six points in in Group B rather than three.
Tactical Brambler’s appeal: “I don’t think the Krakow cup results were done properly, I got more than 3 points I think, but they had this down and I didn’t get out the groups. I mentioned this previously and someone was going to check, but i don’t think it’s been done. Am I still in the competition. Will I win it?”
Given the Tactical Brambler’s goal difference in the group, his FC Testiculadew side would have progressed at the expense of Walthamstow Reds.
Reds went on to beat the chairman’s side Adam Johnson Fan Club in the last sixteen and then the vice-chairman’s side Young Boys in the quarter finals.
However, if FC Testiculadew had gone through they would have lost to AJFC, with the latter beating Young Boys in the next round.
Reds currently sit six points ahead of Pikey Scum after the first leg of the semi final.
AJFC would be eight points behind Pikey Scum.
Kenna HQ statement: “As the three managers involved are Kenna committee members [Reds, Scum and AJFC], Kenna HQ has decreed each manager will pick one other manager to form an independent panel.”
The impartial panel will decide whether Walthamstow Reds or AJFC continue in the cup.
The three managers made their picks earlier today.
Reds manager: “I would like to nominate the Pirate as my candidate because, y’know, FUN.”
Pikey Scum manager: “Assuming he’s not going to weasel himself into the running, I think the Tactical Brambler should get the prestige of adding ‘member of the Kenna league clerical error adjudication panel (2018)’ to his c.v. as he spotted the error, so he can be my rep.”
AJFC manager: “Thieving Magpies.”
A decision will be published on Friday.
Walthamstow Reds 35 – 29 Pikey Scum
WNS 32 – 18 Don’t Know Yet
THE only Somali manager in a London-pub based fantasy football league says he ‘reserves the right’ to share the spoils of pillage from the high seas after the Kenna League questioned the arrangement.
The Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager said he gives the team ‘some booty or the like’ if they win, otherwise they’ve got to plunder their own loot.
The Kenna League has ‘demanded an explanation’ from The Pirates manager since the package isn’t part of the standard player contract.
“Sometimes when we win I’ll give the lads a bottle o’ rum and some gold doubloons. If they lose they’ve got to buy their own rocket-propelled grenades, get on a skiff and put to sea,” said the ISIL manager outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.
“Now I’ve received a letter from Kenna League blazers asking why I don’t share treasure with the crew when we lose.
“We’ve just been knocked out the Krakow Cup and instead of turning my attentions to keeping us out of the relegation zone I’ve now got to kidnap eleven tourists for my players to ransom.”
Walthamstow Reds 40 (69) – 15 (35) Young Boys
Thieving Magpies 16 (40) – 19 (43) Pikey Scum
Piss Poor 23 (57) – 27 (65) Wandsworth Network Solutions
The Pirate 16 (39) – 22 (51) Don’t Know Yet
Semi finals first leg – 24 April
Walthamstow Reds v Pikey Scum
WNS v Don’t Know Yet
Full scores available from The Rub.
Kenna League leaders Pikey Scum were held to a draw in their Krakow Cup quarter final first leg by last season’s title winners Thieving Magpies.
The 24-point apiece encounter means Scum will be looking for Harry Kane and Marcus Rashford to rediscover the form that has put the club top of the table for most of season and kept them in with a chance of a second domestic cup for the manager.
Just three weeks ago, Scum were enjoying a 59-point gap over the pack and waltzing past the hapless Sleptember XI in the last sixteen of the cup.
A stellar string of performances from Raheem Sterling and Jamie Vardy – which will surely dry up the second they both touch down in Russia – has seen second-placed Two Goals One Cup cut the lead to 35 points.
To determine if any manager has thrown away such a cushion in the last seven weeks of the season would take statistical analysis beyond the capacity to tear oneself away from tonight’s Anfield abattoir.
Nevertheless, it feels like it would be an unprecedented circumstance for Pikey Scum to lose the title from here.
The double, however, hangs on this weekend’s cup clash with Thieving Magpies.
Walthamstow Reds 29 – 20 Young Boys
Thieving Magpies 24 – 24 Pikey Scum
Piss Poor 34 – 38 Wandsworth Network Solutions
The Pirate 23 – 29 Don’t Know Yet
Second leg to be played 10 April
Full scores available from The Rub.
British security services have been placed on high alert after military-grade nerve agent was found in preparations for the Dmitri Kharine Russia World Cup auction.
The incident happened at the Fiddlers Harris training facility of Kenna League outfit Young Boys of Vauxhall. The club manager, and Kenna vice chairman, is ‘organising’ the June auction.
Several people in and around Fiddlers Harris were treated by paramedics. Emergency services are yet to confirm which of those was affected by the nerve agent and which were people thrown out of Vauxhall clubs with a barbiturates overdose.
The Young Boys manager was taken to hospital as a precaution. Initially doctors thought exposure to the toxic substance had left the manager with curious psychological side effects, but club officials confirmed he’d always been like that.
The attack has sparked a diplomatic row between the UK and Russia with diplomats expelled from both countries. Nevertheless, Number 10 and the Kremlin released a joint statement expressing relief the Dmitri Kharine auction is still set to go ahead.
Said to be planned for Tuesday 12 June, the Kharine auction will be the earliest in the working week since the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction six years ago.
On that occasion in 2012 the Pirate resigned, tactical Brambling was born and managers almost came to blows.
AJFC 35 (74) – 44 (101) Walthamstow Reds
Bala Rinas 28 (32) – 24 (48) Young Boys
Lokomotiv Leeds 16 (55) – 25 (57) Thieving Magpies
Sleptember XI 18 (39) – 41 (76) Pikey Scum
Piss Poor 24 (54) – 18 (46) JPF
Dynamo Charlton 35 (62) – 37 (65) Wandsworth Network Solutions
Don’t Know Yet 35 (52) – 30 (64) The Pirate
No Fiesta without Iniesta 20 (59) – 34 (63) Burqini Pool Party
Walthamstow Reds v Young Boys
Thieving Magpies v Pikey Scum
Piss Poor v Wandsworth Network Solutions
The Pirate v Don’t Know Yet
