MYSTERY surrounds the Krakow Cup knockout draw. No one saw it.
First leg results of the round of last 16 were published today, but no Kenna League manager remembers seeing the draw made when the usual custom is for three people, sometimes four, to watch the draw live on social media.
Kenna HQ remains tightlipped about how the teams were chosen to play each other.
Pikey Scum kept their chances of a double open with a strong showing over the struggling Sleptember XI.
Defender Lewis Dunk took his goal/own goal tally up to -3 to extend Scum’s lead in the league over Two Goals One Cup in second, closely followed by Lokomotiv Leeds in third.
Krakow Cup last 16 – first leg
AJFC 39 – 57 Walthamstow Reds
Bala Rinas 4 – 24 Young Boys
Lokomotiv Leeds 39 – 32 Thieving Magpies
Sleptember XI 21 – 36 Pikey Scum
Piss Poor 30 – 28 JPF
Dynamo Charlton 27 – 28 Wandsworth Network Solutions
Don’t Know Yet 27 – 34 The Pirate
No Fiesta without Iniesta 39 – 29 Burqini Pool Party
A former Kenna League manager has claimed the notorious ‘dark web paedophile’ Matthew Falder forced him to sign the footballers who went on to derail his season.
Cambridge graduate Falder (pictured) was sentenced yesterday to 32 years in prison for manipulating dozens of victims online into performing humiliating and unspeakable acts.
He also claims Falder made him buy an illegal player to trigger the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and start the campaign with Stan Collymore in attack.
Falder gained blackmail material after approaching the manager on the dark web under false pretences on the dark web.
According to the manager, he was duped into thinking Falder was a representative of Kenna HQ collecting information for the league’s private medical insurance scheme, and emailed nude photographs of himself as evidence of his hardihood.
“It was a living nightmare, and now I’ve seen all these other victims he’s abused I know it must have been him who was behind it. It explains so much,” said the ex-Sleptember manager in a press conference at his local Wetherspoon’s.
“I was at the summer auction watching rivals sign Harry Kane and Roberto Firmino, and Falder was messaging me saying ‘sign Fernando Llorente for at least £10m or I’ll post *those* photos on your club’s fan forum’.”
The manager bought Llorente for £14m and blames Falder for the huge loss he went on to make at the October transfer window when Sporting Lesbian snapped up the Spaniard for £0.5m.
In response to the claims, a statement from Kenna HQ read: “Opting in to the Kenna League private medical insurance scheme has never been easier. Just email your documents and supporting evidence to the manager experiences department.”
Krakow Cup – knockout fixtures
Draw to be broadcast live this weekend. Probably from a snooker club.
Last 16
First leg – 6 March
Second leg – 12 March
Quarter finals
First leg – 2 April
Second leg – 10 April
Semi finals
First leg – 24 April
Second leg – 1 May
Kenna HQ, London, 11 February 2018 – The Kenna League, the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league, has appointed Roland Van Hauwermeiren as director of the league’s charity arm, the Kenna Foundation.
Van Hauwermerien, 68, brings experience from the charity sector having worked for such prestigious organisations as Oxfam and Action Against Hunger, providing humanitarian aid to the globe’s most exploited regions .
As director of the Kenna Foundation, Van Hauwermieren will be responsible for the charity’s work bringing substance misuse support to washed-up fantasy football managers.
The Kenna chairman said: “We’re delighted to appoint Roland Van Hauwermeiren as director of the Kenna Foundation. Roland has a wealth of experience bringing succour to some of the world’s most exploited people.
“Whether people are displaced in Chad or recovering from an earthquake in Haiti, Roland has been right there on the frontline getting relief, day-in day-out. It seems his colleagues never had a bad word to say about him.
“He’s full of ideas and has already suggested setting up Kenna Foundation projects in Colombia, Ukraine and Thailand.
“Once we go through the small formality of getting his references checked, Roland will immediately begin work in a remote villa in a developing country.”
PRESSURE groups are calling for a London fantasy football league to be discontinued because the all-male managers ‘grope’ their way through boozy evenings in the pub.
The shocking allegations were revealed in an undercover sting by a Financial Times journalist who infiltrated the Kenna League auction in August last year.
‘This secretive and alcohol-fuelled group of men make out they’re football experts but in reality they’re just groping their way through the evening,’ said the reporter.
‘In one instance at the August auction I witnessed a manager buy Diego Costa at auction at least a week after the striker had moved to Atletico Madrid.
‘The manager was quite clearly fingering his way around in the dark but the rest of the league, all men, either because they were drunk or wanted the manager to fail, or both probably, waited until the hammer came down and then burst out laughing.
‘He stalked off and played with his phone for a bit while everyone else jeered like animals.’
Following the reports, lobby groups are campaigning for this Friday’s Kenna transfer window to be called off.
‘Think of all the members who’ll be fondled and molested by these reckless and unrepentant Kenna managers drunk on Spanish-branded lager and the moody bottle of schnapps the league chairman plans to bring to the transfer evening,’ said a spokesperson for the Professional Footballers’ Association.
Kenna HQ is putting out an implacable front and insists the transfer window will go ahead as planned.
‘Managers have until midday on Thursday to send their released players to the Kenna, and bidding will begin in earnest at 7pm on Friday,’ said the chairman in a press conference held outside the Holborn Whippet at lunchtime.
‘We have nothing to fear. Our league will bear as much scrutiny as Glenn Murray’s…erm…accounts.’
TWO Kenna League managers find themselves with a tough decision to make ahead of Thursday’s midday transfer deadline.
Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Ross Barkley both made high-profile moves south mean Sporting Lesbian and Piss Poor respectively are both Bramble tied.
Sitting sixth in the table, Sporting Lesbian must now decide between releasing the Armenian midfielder or striker Alexandre Lacazette. Releasing either player could significantly add to the manager’s war chest of £10m.
Meanwhile the Piss Poor manager has make the choice between Ross Barkley and Alvaro Morata.
Having failed to publish an update for three weeks, the chairman is under increasing pressure in the corridors of power.
What’s led to the hold up? Why have the Krakow Cup scores only been shared now six teams are eliminated?
Answers are unclear. Charts and graphs have sent weekly updates to the executive. The chairman has certainly been seen in the committee rooms and coffee bars of Jeff House, albeit with a bleak expression, a face like Barry Bennell turning up at the Speed family Christmas.
Whispers around Kenna HQ say perhaps the league has run out of things to say. The league has reached its nadir.
Others say they overheard the chairman – who it must be remembered built his team around Dele Alli – weeping in the executive toilet. Someone reckons they caught him staring into the middle distance with a cup of camomile tea.
Many hope this is just a temporary blip.
They know the chairman’s cocktail cabinet remains locked until the transfer window.
Send your released players to Kenna HQ by midday on Thursday 1 February. Transfer window hammer down at 7pm on Friday 2 February in the Hoop & Grapes, Farringdon Road.
