Year: 2021

The Kenna League chairman finally got round to confirming himself Euros Super League winner.

The trophy puts the chairman into the Kenna record books, as the first manager to win two international tournaments. He won ‘the Khumalo’ 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup.

After speaking briefly of ’11 years of hurt’ in a press conference this morning, the chairman explained why it had taken him so long to share his good news.

‘Last week started badly on an emotional and a physical level. It was hard to acknowledge that football or sobriety could exist. Even the Kenna, that sacred lamb, was difficult to countenance.

‘Then I started taking an interest in transfer news and here we are.’

Having bared his soul, the chairman went about rubbing victory in managers’ faces.

‘How they laughed when I signed Jordan Pickford and Ronaldo at the auction, and they finish the tournament the two top points scorers.

‘How they laughed when I signed Patrick van Aanholt for £19m. He scored 17 points.

‘How they laughed at a midfield of Calhanoglu, Kroos, and Golovin, and admittedly they were awful, but they still scored 21 points between them.

‘Even one-game Timothy Castagne scored four points. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.’

Managers now look ahead to the domestic auction on Saturday 7 August. The chairman has promised to get ‘managers back in pubs’ based ‘not on dates or data, but daytime drinking’.

Euros Super League – final standings

Full scores available from The Rub.

THE Piss Poor manager is in with a chance of his first ever Kenna silverware after a strong second round showing in the Euros Super League.

Three goals for Karim Benzema and Alvaro Morata, and an assist from Jack Grealish saw PP go within six points of the chairman’s side at the top of the table.

With seven games left to play, each of the three leading sides has just four players left in the tournament.

With Alessandro Florenzi an injury doubt and Timothy Castagne a squad player, the chairman will be hoping for Jordan Pickford’s sheet to remain unstained, and Vladimir Coufal to make a strong showing in the quarter finals.

Piss Poor look to have lost Kevin De Bruyne to injury, but Donnaruma, Grealish, and Morata all take good form into the weekend fixtures.

A 34-point deficit looks too much to overturn for the Craft Beer Wankers quartet of Yann Sommer, Ben Chilwell, Simon Kjaer, and Andrea Belotti.

Piss Poor have never impressed in the domestic league, relegated three times in eight seasons, but the manager has enjoyed more fortune on the international stage finishing second in the 2018 Dmitri Kharine World Cup.

Chairman – 155 points
Pickford, Castagne, Florenzi, Coufal

Piss Poor – 149 points
Donnaruma, KDB, Grealish, Morata

Craft Beer Wankers – 121 points
Sommer, Chilwell, Kjaer, Belotti

Euros Super League – after last 16

Full scores available from The Rub.

EVERY Kenna manager knows one, hard-learned fact of which executives at Coca-Cola would do well to take note: never bet against Cristiano Ronaldo.

Which is why it was strange at last weekend’s Euros Super League auction the chairman’s decision to pay £25m for the Portuguese was met with mockery.

Ronaldo’s brace, alongside a Vladimir Coufal clean sheet and assist puts ‘Chairmany‘ top of the table after one round of games.

The chairman’s side also achieved the exceptional feat of seeing all eleven players make an appearance, the only side in the Euros Super League to do so.

The Dark Lord lurks behind, the £37m for Romelu Lukaku (the most expensive player at the auction) immediately warranted with two goals.

Tournament debutant, but domestic cup competition specialist, the Clotted Cream First manager occupies third place, but mainly through the efforts of autofilled player Raphael Guerreiro.

‘I’m looking forward to the Friday night game,’ said the chairman. ‘Although I’m meeting the Cowley Casuals manager in a pub serving Deya Steady Rolling Man two hours before kick off so I just hope I remember it.’

Euros Super League – round one*

Full scores available from The Rub.

*Due to an admin glitch Cowley erroneously have Coufal up front rather than Arnautovic, so they are fourth, not third.