THE KENNA League chairman has thrown his funny hat in the ring to become the next Pope.
The Catholic Church was left in the hunt for a new leader yesterday after Benedict XVI became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign.
Despite not being a cardinal or even a Catholic, the Kenna chairman, who was recognised in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list to become Sir Nimrod Rodgers-Boyce, claims he has the perfect credentials for the job.
He said: “The Vatican may have a following of 1.2bn compared to our smaller league membership [of 20], but the issues are the same. Most of my flock freely engage in intimate pre-marital relations, and if the stories are true a few of them enjoy going bareback with strangers too.”
Asked how he’d tackle the high-profile issue of child abuse in the church that dogged the last incumbent’s papacy, Rodgers-Boyce said his in-depth knowledge of the Kenna League’s draconian forfeit process – the Titus Bramble ruling – would more than prepare him for the role.
“During my eight years in charge a lot more people than just Kenna managers officially complained after forcibly having their pants pulled down by Titus Bramble.”
The Vatican are yet to comment.
Cup scores – Last 16 first leg
Five teams picked up crucial away goals, including Hairy Fadjeetas on a precarious visit to the Horn of Africa.
The second leg will take place on 26 February.
Kenna HQ has produced a gnatty wallchart to keep track of the latest cup developments. Download your free copy from The Rub on the right hand side of the page.
Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens
Ramires
Puncheon
McAuley
Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 1 Piedmonte
RVP Lampard
Just Put Carles 2 – 0 PSV Mornington
Maloney
Rangel
Woking 0 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Michu x2
Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys
Cazorla
Dzeko
Spartak Mogadishu 2 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
Benteke Hazard
Lukaku
Dynamo Charlton 0 – 1 Pikey Scum
Huth
Lokomotiv Leeds 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew
League table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 40 | 3 |
| 2 | Just put Carles | Carles | 40 | 2 |
| 3 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 39 | 2 |
| 4 | Piedmonte | Phil | 35 | 1 |
| 5 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 32 | 2 |
| 6 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 31 | 3 |
| 7 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 31 | 2 |
| 8 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 29 | 0 |
| 9 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 28 | 1 |
| 10 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 24 | 1 |
| 11 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 23 | 1 |
| 12 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 22 | 0 |
| 13 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 21 | 0 |
| 14 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 20 | 0 |
| 15 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 20 | 0 |
| 16 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 19 | 1 |
| 17 | Headless Chickens | John N | 17 | 0 |
| 18 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 14 | 0 |
| 19 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 11 | 0 |
| 20 | Woking | Mike | 11 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 15 | Michu – SWA – MID | ||
| Club | Sporting Lesbian |
