THE WOKING manager can’t polish a turd.
The Sporting Lesbian manager surely can’t lose the title from here, something the Piedmonte manager can’t ever be expected to win buying under-performing English footballers for extortionate prices at auction. The Judean Peoples’ Front manager can’t visit Utoya Island ever again. One man still can’t believe that when he introduced them to the definition of the word ‘needster’, two people who had never met before the Newington Reds manager’s stag do in the Pyrenees simultaneously pulled up the same provocative Facebook photo of a girl in a bikini. Rival Catalans the Just Put Carles and PSV Mornington managers can’t eat their evening meals before midnight. A steady diet of lager and Jägerbombs can’t be sustained for longer than three days without an eerie taste of sick developing at the back of the throat. The Spartak Mogadishu manager can’t stop pillaging other’s first dates and making off with the booty, while the former Dan Terry Seduction manager can’t get laid, even using Rohypnol. Kenna HQ can’t afford to open premises in St James’s called the Point Fives Club with live tweets from the Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction framed on the wall of the billiard room. And someone who can snowboard can’t necessarily ski.
Which is why the Chairman cuts a lonely figure in the photo above. Having made it half way up a red run, he spent 20 agonising minutes being severely punished for his vainglorious, ‘how hard can it be’ attempt to ski. Forced to abandon, he was rewarded with the long and awkward journey back to the bottom, and for posterity snapped by the Greendale Rockets manager from the smug comfort of a chairlift.
No stranger to ignominy on the slopes, the Chairman said afterwards: “It wasn’t as bad as the trip to Chamonix a few years ago. I’ll never go snowboarding in jeans again.”
League table
Weekly scores
| This week | ||||
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 43 | 3 |
| 2 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 39 | 1 |
| 3 | Piedmonte | Phil | 33 | 3 |
| 4 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 33 | 1 |
| 5 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 31 | 2 |
| 6 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 30 | 1 |
| 7 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 27 | 2 |
| 8 | Just put Carles | Carles | 26 | 1 |
| 9 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 22 | 1 |
| 10 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 22 | 0 |
| 11 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 22 | 0 |
| 12 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 22 | 0 |
| 13 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 22 | 0 |
| 14 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 20 | 1 |
| 15 | Woking | Mike | 19 | 0 |
| 16 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 18 | 0 |
| 17 | Headless Chickens | John N | 16 | 0 |
| 18 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 16 | 0 |
| 19 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 16 | 0 |
| 20 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 14 | 1 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 11 | Monreal, N – ARS – DEF | ||
| Club | Judean Peoples’ Front | |||
