Man in the Window

THE MICHAEL Jackson statue removed from Craven Cottage last week is being lined up as a like-for-like replacement for Nani ahead of this Saturday’s first Kenna transfer window.

The Portuguese winger has failed to make an impact for Kenna newbies Team Panda Rules OK and the manager is taking no prisoners.

“That shabby tribute to the King of Pop has shown as much movement this season as, well, that shabby tribute to the King of Pop,” complained the Panda manager, as he prepared to table a bid for the statue to owner Mohamed Al-Fayed.

The Egyptian business magnate declined to comment.

This desperation is just the tip of the iceberg in the Kenna as managers prepare for the new format of transfer window on the weekend.

Having bought eleven players each at the pre-season auction, the window is one of only two chances in the campaign for managers to freshen up their teams. A second window is held in early February.

Club’s will release unwanted players by Friday before representatives congregate in the pub to fill their teams at auction.

Aaron Ramsey, Mesut Ozil, Ross Barkley and Morgan Amalfitano are among the unsigned players whose form will see them top manager’s shopping lists.

In the league, Headless Chickens maintained their lead at the top of the table this week with more goals from Yaya Toure and Gylfi Sigurdsson.

Luis Suarez’s two-goal return has lifted This is Sparta…Prague off the bottom of the table.

Rough guide to the transfer window

1. Notify the league of the players you want to release by Friday to get a bonus.
2. You will get a £10m bonus for submitting your released players by post to Kenna HQ, or £5m for doing so by any other means of communication.
3. You start the transfer night with the money you have left from your initial £100m, plus any bonus from getting your transfers in on time.
4. To begin with, auction lots will be drawn at random from the pot of released players.
5. Whatever your released player fetches at auction will be added to your funds.
6. The Titus Bramble ruling applies. Any manager without funds to fill their team spending the minimum of £0.5m on each player will have their most expensive player removed.
7. If no one buys your released player you can either keep them or let them go on a free. However, if someone buys that player later in the window you will get whatever is paid for them.
8. Once all the released players have gone to auction, a set number of available players will be auctioned in order of most points scored.
9. Once the set list is exhausted, managers with gaps in their teams to fill will take it in turns to introduce remaining players to auction.
10. Each manager has one wildcard that can be played at any time during the transfer window.
11. The wildcard allows you to release any player in your team at a moment’s notice.
12. You will not receive a bonus if you do not release any players.

League table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	35	2
2	Bala Rinas	Lewis	34	2
3	FC Testiculadew	James N	31	1
4	Headless Chickens	John N	27	2
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	0
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	1
7	St. Reatham FC	Mike	24	1
8	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	23	2
9	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	19	2
10	Piedmonte	Phil	19	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	18	0
12	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	17	0
13	Team Panda Rules OK	George	17	0
14	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	1
15	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	14	1
16	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0
17	KS West Green	Stix	13	1
18	Just put Carles	Carles	11	0
19	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	11	0
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	9	0
21	Young Boys	Denney	8	0
22	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	7	0
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	3	0
		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lukaku, R – EVE – STR
		Club	Bala Rinas