A CARDBOARD cut out of Pep Guardiola has been made the permanent manager of Kenna strugglers PSV Mornington.
Since taking the helm as caretaker just before Christmas, the former assistant – known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ by more wacky fans – has overseen two goals from Fernando Torres and one from Santi Cazorla, almost doubling the team’s five-month goal tally in just three weeks.
There were raised eyebrows at a PSV Mornington press conference this morning, when the club unveiled the new manager by placing the cardboard cut out in front of assembled journalists.
Cardiola remained tight lipped about his plans to escape relegation. The PSV press officer assured everyone the manager was playing his cards close to his chest ahead of the upcoming Kenna transfer window, due to take place in the pub after work on Friday 7 February.
Sacked in December after the most dismal start to a campaign in Kenna history, the full extent of the former PSV Mornington manager’s ineptitude was laid bare today when the league published it’s traditional mid-season review: Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart.
In the first five months of the campaign, the hapless former manager received four turkey of the month awards, just one short of the most earned in a whole season by the Fat Ladies manager in 2009/10.
For the first time since that season three years ago, the manager of the month awards have been shared by five different managers, reflecting the fierce competition for the top spot this term.
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart
Kenna table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 41 | 3 |
| 2 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 35 | 3 |
| 3 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 34 | 3 |
| 4 | Piedmonte | Phil | 32 | 3 |
| 5 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 32 | 0 |
| 6 | Young Boys | Denney | 29 | 0 |
| 7 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 27 | 3 |
| 8 | KS West Green | Stix | 24 | 1 |
| 9 | Headless Chickens | John N | 24 | 0 |
| 10 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 22 | 0 |
| 11 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 21 | 1 |
| 12 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 21 | 1 |
| 13 | Just put Carles | Carles | 21 | 0 |
| 14 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 20 | 1 |
| 15 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 20 | 1 |
| 16 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 20 | 1 |
| 17 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 19 | 1 |
| 18 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 19 | 0 |
| 19 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 18 | 0 |
| 20 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 17 | 1 |
| 21 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 14 | 1 |
| 22 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 13 | 0 |
| 23 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 11 | 1 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 19 | Johnson, A – SUN – MID | ||
| Club | Lokomotiv Leeds |
