Storm through the window: FC Testiculadew scouts are on the lookout for talent ahead of the transfer window.
IF all the Kenna managers lived on a surburban mews, this would be the most vigorous week of curtain twitching.
The season’s second and final transfer window takes place next Saturday and managers will be keen to size up which footballers they can sign to most improve their teams. The events of the afternoon will decide who lifts the league title in May.
Managers have until next Thursday to send their players to be released to Kenna HQ – by post if they want to claim the £10m war chest supplement.
Here are five most pertinent questions dogging every Kenna manager this week.
1. Can Lesbians resist a little fiddle?
The Sporting Lesbians manager is having a dream season. Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle up front in their first season in England playing like they’re to the Kenna born, a back five of De Gea, Coleman, Demichelis, Luis and Tomkins all putting in a shift from week one and a modestly creative midfield where even Egyptian flake Ahmed Elmohamady has become a regular starter.
At 77 points ahead of the pack Lesbians can surely cruise towards their second league title. But with a couple of pints in him come next Saturday, will the manager stand idly by only to regret his inaction come May? Or will the finger slide tantilisingly towards the button of release? Just a quick play, temptation will say, it’s so naughty but it feels so good…and then ‘pow!’ You’ve just bought Morgan Amalfitano, stuck a Bramble a sensitive area and blood’s running down your leg.
2. Does the Lokomotiv manager sell Bony or Silva?
Hovering just outside a top four finish, the Lokomotiv Leeds manager has the opportunity to turn this window into a springboard to riches but he faces the Bramble-tied quandary of the season. Does he stay with the squat Spanish Merlin David Silva or gamble on the power of Wilfred Bony. The Cote D’Ivoire striker will need time to recover from his country’s customary choke in the African Cup of Nations, but upon his return think of all the goals he could score.
3. Can the Cowley Casuals manager pull it off again?
If transfer windows were competitions taken isolation, the Cowley Casuals manager could be considered to have won in October. While Sporting Lesbians flicked a quick tinker in midfield, Cowley Casuals rummaged around to make four signings who have all contributed to the side’s occupation of second in the table. Casuals still have a fair amount of catching up to do, so the manager is left with a choice of hoping his eleven make it over the finish line or having a clear out.
4. Who’s got the most money left?
No one will be able to match the Dynamo Charlton manager’s desperate attempt to buy his way out of the relegation zone. Replacing Rickie Lambert with Harry Kane should be top of his list of priorities, or at least equal with busting some onions over attitude in the general area of Bafetimbi Gomis.
At fourth and fifth place in the league respectively, St Reatham FC and Hairy Fadjeetas have the most control over their destinies with each having over £20m in the war chest. Both managers will be in the Alps next weekend. How much will that impact on their tactics?
|
Moneybags |
Averagebags |
Grotbags |
| Dynamo Charlton – £45.5m Piedmonte – £26.5m Hairy Fadjeetas – £25m St Reatham FC – £20.5m Fat Ladies – £20.5m |
Team Panda Rules OK – £19.5M Bala Rinas – £16m Just Put Carles – £15m Headless Chickens – £14.5m Cowley Casuals – £13.5m Young Boys – £12m Still Don’t Know Yet – £10.5m Pikey Scum – £10m |
Lokomotiv Leeds – £9.5m Judean Peoples’ Front – £8m Hoxton Pirates – £7m Walthamstow Reds – £3.5m Sporting Lesbian – £3.5m FC Testiculadew – £2.5m KS West Green – £0.5m |
5. Who are the biggest targets?
Strikers
Up front Harry Kane has managers crowding around the shop window. With Senegal out of the ACN, Mame Diouf may turn heads. Andreas Wiemann could be a solid replacement for injury. Ashley Barnes and Eduardo Vargas are wildcard options.
Midfielders
Managers will be hoping Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer continues to assault the opposition penalty area rather than their creative midfielders. He’s the top scoring available midfielder. Morgan Amalfitano is rapidly turning into the next Chris Brunt in Kenna terms – temperamental form merchants. James Ward-Prowse is having a promising run.
Defenders
Astounding as it seems, Toby Alderweireld is still out there. He’s the second-highest scoring defender behind household shrug Aaron Cresswell. Aly Cissokho is third. KS West Green reject Mamadou Sakho is back in favour.
Goalkeepers
Three available goalkeepers are scoring well, which means there must be three Kenna managers looking to improve in that position. They’ll have to fight so dirty over Adrian, Lukas Fabianski and Rob Green that seedy men in mackintoshes are being charged to peep through the keyhole at that scene.
Full scores, tables and disciplinary records available at The Rub.
Kenna table – week 21 of 37
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Judean People’s Front | Sholto | 29 | 1 |
| 2 | Young Boys | Denney | 27 | 2 |
| 3 | Cowley Casuals | Stu | 25 | 1 |
| 4 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 24 | 1 |
| 5 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 22 | 3 |
| 6 | FC Tescticuladew | James N | 22 | 0 |
| 7 | Just Put Carles | Carles | 20 | 1 |
| 8 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 19 | 0 |
| 9 | KS West Green | Stix | 17 | 0 |
| 10 | Headless Chickens | John N | 16 | 1 |
| 11 | Piedmonte | Phil | 16 | 1 |
| 12 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 12 | 1 |
| 13 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 12 | 0 |
| 14 | Walthamstow Reds | Dudley | 11 | 1 |
| 15 | Hoxton Pirates | Abdi | 9 | 0 |
| 16 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 8 | 0 |
| 17 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 8 | 0 |
| 18 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 6 | 0 |
| 19 | Fat Ladies | Ted | 6 | 0 |
| 20 | St Reatham FC | Mike | 5 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 12 | Anichebe, V – WBA – STR | ||
| Club | Unsigned |
