The Imitation Kenna

THE chairman stared at the screen and frowned.

He was in the habit of receiving emails from managers on all sorts of matters. The boss of Young Boys complaining about the new cup format. The treasurer complaining about the level of expenses coming out of the league reptile fund. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager complaining about the car containing two heavy set men parked outside his Singapore address for the last week.

These were mere day-to-day bagatelle, bread and butter for a football administrator of 10 years’ standing. In comparison this latest development was a real conundrum, the type to make Richard Whitely bristle with excitement. Even now.

The chairman could only stare at the email from the FC Testiculadew manager. After 20 minutes, in need of inspiration, he clicked print and went to the Kenna HQ roofgarden to muse.

Outside a couple of chalkstripes from the speculations department were coming to the end of a three-martini lunch. They were in heated discussion about whether Gary Glitter would be more effective as a midfielder or a striker.

Upon seeing the chairman, both men abandoned their drinks, gave the accepted salute and retreated inside.

Alone to think, the chairman took a seat and puzzled over the Garamond 11 characters on the page. For all the sense they made they may as well have been in Dingbats.

I’m often mystified by the ways of Mourinho, i have to confess.

I’ve read with great worry the activities of the Welsh, maybe now is the time for all good Englishmen, Geordies and Somalis to act, (the Somalis are noted for there distaste of the Welsh)

I stand ready to assist in any way

The chairman was sure the FCT boss was up to something underhand. He had to be, by Jove! His form for exploiting every league rule and regulation out there made the communication smell worse than the Fat Ladies rear guard on a muggy afternoon.

But just what in the name of Bramble’s bejabbers was the fellow up to now?

Of course, the rules were not perfect. The many checks and balances put in since the tactical Brambling affair, an episode entirely contrived by the FCT manager, had done nothing but paper over the cracks. The forfeit procedure couldn’t stand up to closer scrutiny, and that’s why he couldn’t raise membership fees without causing a backlash.

The in absentia bidding rules were also flawed. How else could the FCT boss not turn up to the pre-season auction, be given leftover players and now find himself seventh in the league? Torres, Podolski, Fellaini. The utter dross with which he had started the season. And now he was only a couple of good weeks from a European place. It beggared belief.

He looked at the email again. Taken on face value it was straightforward. In the first line the FCT manager admits the Juan Cuadrado signature at the second transfer window was a gamble yet, and unlikely, to bear fruit. Next he makes reference to recent reports about gun-toting Welsh crackpots taking over the league (the chairman reminded himself to drop into the manager experiences department later for the latest surveillance report).

Continuing to study the words he was stumped. Geordies? There were no Geordies among league managers any more. What did they have to do with Kenna HQ? And why was the word Somalis used twice?

The chairman stared at the last line: ‘assist in any way’. He scribbled an anagram: Taiwan any sissy. What could it all mean?

Throwing down the confounded riddle, he snapped his fingers and ordered Madeira wine. Finishing his second glass he suddenly remembered a film he had watched on a recent flight.

A group of well-spoken crossword buffs won Britain the war because a girl had broken her landlady’s rigid curfew.

Wait! They had built a big machine to decipher the code.

He pulled out his phone and hit speed dial for his personal assistant.

“Mavis? Set up a meeting with Benedict Cumberbatch.” He rang off.

A wry smile on his lips, the chairman picked up his fifth glass of Madeira. He would soon get to the bottom of this.

Cup news

A riveting week in the Go For Broke Cup…

Go For Broke Cup semi final first leg results

Judean Peoples’ Front 0 – 0 KS West Green

Hoxton Pirates 0 – 0 Fat Ladies

This week’s fixtures – Go For Broke Cup semi final second leg

KS West Green (0) v (0) Judean Peoples’ Front

Fat Ladies (0) v (0) Hoxton Pirates

Kenna table – week 32

Full scores available from The Rub.

Weekly scores

Author: The chairman

Ascended to the chairmanship of the Jeff Kenna League Fantasy Football League in 2007 after co-founded the league in London in August 2005. View all posts by The chairman