FOOTBALLER Adam Johnson pleaded guilty to charges of grooming and sexual activity with a child last week.
Since then the prosecution’s case has centred around an encounter between Johnson and a 15-year-old girl behind a Chinese takeaway in County Durham.
With all the allegations of where hands were placed, what act was performed and other inappropriate liaisons, wouldn’t it be unfortunate if the Chinese takeaway in question shared a name with one of these fast food establishments?
Adam Johnson gamble unbuttons Kenna League survival hopes
THE Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager has admitted his gamble on Adam Johnson in the transfer window could derail the club’s chances of Kenna League survival this season.
Just five days after ISIL bought the midfielder at the second and final transfer window of the season, Johnson pleaded guilty to one charge of sexual activity with a child and one charge of grooming.
ISIL are rooted to the foot of the Kenna League and the transfer window was seen as the manager’s last chance to tilt for safety.
“Yarrrrrr! Ye Johnson lad be gettin’ plenty o’ assists afore spillin’ ‘is guts to the law ‘ee be friggin’ in unweathered riggin'” yo-ho-hoed the Kenna’s only Somali manager.
“‘Tis skullduggery an’ no mistake, getting yer cutlass between yer teeth wi’ a lass wi’ less years than me cabin boy, but truth be told ‘is signed shirts be sellin’ very smartly. Yarrrrrrrr!” added the manager, scanning the gates of the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility for eager, young autograph hunters.
Under Kenna League regulations, Johnson will stay with ISIL until the end of the season. The club is rumoured to have changed the passwords to its social media accounts.
The campaign has been yet another unmitigated disaster for the Somali manager, who looks set to lead a side to relegation for the third successive season.
The manager won the Canesten Combi Cup in emphatic style in charge of Spartak Mogadishu in May 2013, but a year later took the club down.
He went on to manage Hoxton Pirates the following season, only to guide them to a bottom-of-the-league finish 10 months later.
Going into the stats a little deeper, since winning the Canesten Combi Cup in May 2013, the Somali has spent 85 of 109 weeks of league play in the relegation zone, or as the manager ruefully admitted at this morning’s press conference “78 per cent o’ me hours in Davy Jones’ locker”.
Kenna table – week 25
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Newington Reds | Ben D | 54 | 3 |
| 2 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 43 | 2 |
| 3 | Carles | Carles | 35 | 1 |
| 4 | Thieving Magpies | Phil | 33 | 3 |
| 5 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 33 | 2 |
| 6 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 31 | 2 |
| 7 | Wandsworth Network Solutions | Will | 30 | 1 |
| 8 | KS West Green | Stix | 30 | 1 |
| 9 | FC Tescticuladew | James N | 29 | 2 |
| 10 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 29 | 1 |
| 11 | Team Panda | George | 28 | 2 |
| 12 | Cowley Casuals | Stu | 28 | 1 |
| 13 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 26 | 2 |
| 14 | Young Boys | Andrew D | 26 | 0 |
| 15 | ISIL | Abdi | 26 | 0 |
| 16 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 21 | 2 |
| 17 | Judean People’s Front | Sholto | 20 | 0 |
| 18 | Headless Chickens | John N | 18 | 1 |
| 19 | Uncertain | Pete B | 10 | 1 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 15 | Coutinho, P – LIV – MID | ||
| Club | Newington Reds |
