Category: 2016 Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros

Blame Canada

Manager: Dudley

Nationality: Le Rosbif

International honours: none

Formation: 4-3-3

Buffon, G ITA £12m
Alba, J ESP £17m
Walker, K ENG £10m
Evra, P FRA £11m
Alves, B POT £0.5m
Alaba, D AUT £11m
Ozil, M GER £25m
Konoplyanka, Y UKR £1m
Yilmaz, B TUR £1m
Milik, A POL £11m
Mehmedi, A SUI £0.5m
£100m
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Former Yugoslav Republic of Leeds

Manager: Ben S

Nationality: Le Rosbif

International honours: none

Formation: 4-5-1

Akinfeev, I RUS £5m
Srna, D CRO £7m
Darmian, M ITA £11m
Ramos, S ESP £16m
Guerreiro, R POT £0.5m
Arnautovic, M AUT £12m
Pogba, P FRA £23m
Mertens, D BEL £12m
Draxler, J GER £7m
Xhaka, G SUI £0.5m
Ward, J NIR £0.5m
£94.5m
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Democratic Republic of Young Boys

Manager: Denney

Nationality: Le Moutons Baiseur

International honours: none

Formation: 3-4-3

Casillas, I ESP £10m
Bonucci, L ITA £15m
Denayer, J BEL £1m
Rat, R RMN £0.5m
Blaszczykowski, J POL £3m
Schweinsteiger, B GER £0.5m
Mario, J POT £0.5m
Harnik, M AUT £0.5m
Rooney, W ENG £29m
Giroud, O FRA £34m
Nemec, A SVK £0.5m
£94.5m
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Asturias FC

Manager: Kike

Nationality: L’Espingouin

International honours: none

Formation: 3-5-2

Patricio, R POT £11m
Koscielny, L FRA £17m
De Sciglio, M ITA £10m
Sivok, T CZE £0.5m
Rakitic, I CRO £16m
Gotze, M GER £16m
Dier, E ENG £0.5m
Okotie, R AUT £0.5m
McCarthy, J IRL £5m
Origi, D BEL £1m
Nolito ESP £20m
£97.5m
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FC TesticuladewLand

Manager: James N

Nationality: Le Rosbif

International honours: 2014 Emerson World Cup champions

Formation: 3-4-3

Neuer, M GER £16m
Cahill, G ENG £5m
Corluka, V CRO £0.5m
Piszczek, L POL £0.5m
Turan, A TUR £8m
Alcantara, T ESP £13m
Dzsudzsak, B HUN £0.5m
Kucka, J SVK £0.5m
Lukaku, R BEL £25m
Yarmolenko, A UKR £5m
Griezmann, A FRA £19m
£93m
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Up Yours Delors

Manager: Jack

Nationality: Le Rosbif

International honours: 2006 Claudio Canniggia World Champions

Formation: 4-4-2

Cech, P CZE £9m
Pique, G ESP £18m
Vertonghen, J BEL £10m
Glik, K POL £5m
Rami, A FRA £20m
Nani POT £13m
De Rossi, D ITA £1m
Lallana, A ENG £10m
Edwards, D WAL £10m
Walters, J IRL £0.5m
Seferovic, H SUI £3m
£99.5m

 

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Boumsong auction overshadowed by De Gea allegations

IT wasn’t quite one of David De Gea’s nonconsensual sex parties, but Jean-Alain Boumsong fantasy Euros auction organisers were pleased with Friday night’s event.

News of De Gea’s alleged indiscretions rocked managers early doors. The chief concerns were whether he would start for Spain, and whether managers who knew about the revelations could keep it from those who did not.

In the end, Wandsworth Window Lickers would have the last laugh. Unsure why he was picking up the goalkeeper for a paltry £3m, the WWL manager saw De Gea collect his first clean sheet of the Boumsong earlier this afternoon.

Thomas Muller was the evening’s most expensive player. The Sporting Lesbians manager snapped him up for £40m.

Ronaldo (£39m) was the second priciest player, bought by L’Horn d’Afrique.

Immediately after managers watched him score on the Hoop and Grapes balcony television set, Olivier Giroud became the evening’s third most expensive signing.

The Frenchman was signed by the Democratic Republic of Young Boys manager for £34m.

Harry Kane was the evening’s most valuable Englishman. Sadly, for the Cowley Caliphate manager there are no points for bad corners.

A total of 12 managers congregated for the four-hour auction. The treasurer followed the auction live on Periscope.

More than 160 other Periscope users tuned into the action, before realising it was just a bunch of blokes in the pub, drinking heavily in replica international shirts.

A bit like Marseille before Russians with fireworks and balaclavas turned up.

Boumsong auction sales – by value

Lot number PlayTeamPos Manager Team Name Cost £m
46 Muller, T – GER – STR Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 40
16 Ronaldo, C – POT – STR Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 39
74 Giroud, O – FRA – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 34
21 Kane, H – ENG – STR Stu Cowley Caliphate 30
43 Rooney, W – ENG – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 29
49 Hazard, E – BEL – MID Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 29
6 Lukaku, R – BEL – STR James N FC TesticuladewLand 25
72 Ozil, M – GER – MID Ben D Blame Canada 25
62 Lewandowski, R – POL – STR Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 24
7 de Bruyne, K – BEL – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 23
79 Pogba, P – FRA – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 23
51 Silva, D – ESP – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 22
185 Silva, D – ESP – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 22
13 Morata, A – ESP – STR Stix Napoleon Dynorod 20
19 Alli, D – ENG – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 20
131 Nolito – ESP – STR Kike Asturius FC 20
134 Rami, A – FRA – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 20
47 Bale, G – WAL – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 19
88 Griezmann, A – FRA – STR James N FC TesticuladewLand 19
39 Ibrahimovic, Z – SWE – STR Jorge Barco FC 18
45 Pique, G – ESP – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 18
5 Koscielny, L – FRA – DEF Kike Asturius FC 17
17 Chiellini, G – ITA – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 17
26 Vardy, J – ENG – STR Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 17
28 Alba, J – ESP – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 17
11 Hamsik, M – SVK – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 16
40 Rakitic, I – CRO – MID Kike Asturius FC 16
48 Neuer, M – GER – GK James N FC TesticuladewLand 16
53 Ramos, S – ESP – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 16
89 Gomez, M – GER – STR Stu Cowley Caliphate 16
92 Gotze, M – GER – MID Kike Asturius FC 16
31 Kroos, T – GER – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 15
91 Perisic, I – CRO – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 15
126 Bonucci, L – ITA – DEF Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 15
155 Juanfran – ESP – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 15
4 Hummels, M – GER – DEF Jorge Barco FC 14
24 Payet, D – FRA – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 14
30 Hector, J – GER – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 14
42 Courtois, T – BEL – GK Jorge Barco FC 14
57 Boateng, J – GER – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 14
10 Modric, L – CRO – MID Jorge Barco FC 13
12 Nani – POT – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 13
37 Sturridge, D – ENG – STR Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 13
56 Alderweireld, T – BEL – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 13
61 Shaqiri, X – SUI – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 13
123 Fellaini, M – BEL – MID Pete B Real Brexit 13
161 Alcantara, T – ESP – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 13
22 Buffon, G – ITA – GK Ben D Blame Canada 12
34 Dzyuba, A – RUS – STR Pete B Real Brexit 12
64 Arnautovic, M – AUT – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 12
121 Mertens, D – BEL – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 12
136 Alli, D – ENG – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 12
1 Iniesta, A – ESP – MID Stu Cowley Caliphate 11
9 Coman, K – FRA – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 11
15 Mertens, D – BEL – MID Stu Cowley Caliphate 11
29 Darmian, M – ITA – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 11
66 Alaba, D – AUT – MID Ben D Blame Canada 11
68 Evra, P – FRA – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 11
70 Sterling, R – ENG – MID Jorge Barco FC 11
75 Patricio, R – POT – GK Kike Asturius FC 11
86 Mandzukic, M – CRO – STR Stix Napoleon Dynorod 11
97 Milik, A – POL – STR Ben D Blame Canada 11
107 Lichtsteiner, S – SUI – DEF Stu Cowley Caliphate 11
2 Pelle, G – ITA – STR Jorge Barco FC 10
3 Chester, J – WAL – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 10
41 Janko, M – AUT – STR Lewis I can be you euro baby 10
44 Walker, K – ENG – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 10
55 Vertonghen, J – BEL – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 10
71 De Sciglio, M – ITA – DEF Kike Asturius FC 10
78 Casillas, I – ESP – GK Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 10
82 Smalling, C – ENG – DEF Lewis I can be you euro baby 10
93 Sigurdsson, G – ICE – MID Pete B Real Brexit 10
112 Candreva, A – ITA – MID Stu Cowley Caliphate 10
133 Edwards, D – WAL – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 10
144 Lallana, A – ENG – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 10
173 Calhanoglu, H – TUR – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 10
33 Stones, J – ENG – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 9
52 Rose, D – ENG – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 9
63 Moutinho, J – POT – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 9
73 Cech, P – CZE – GK Jack Up Yours Delors 9
77 Sagna, B – FRA – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 9
81 Vermaelen, T – BEL – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 9
83 Fabregas, C – ESP – MID Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 9
85 Hart, J – ENG – GK Stix Napoleon Dynorod 9
100 Howedes, B – GER – DEF Lewis I can be you euro baby 9
76 Busquets, S – ESP – MID Pete B Real Brexit 8
94 Turan, A – TUR – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 8
130 Rodriguez, R – SUI – DEF Pete B Real Brexit 8
8 El Shaarawy, S – ITA – STR Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 7
20 Srna, D – CRO – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 7
98 Rosicky, T – CZE – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 7
106 Soares, C – POT – DEF Stu Cowley Caliphate 7
108 Skrtel, M – SVK – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 7
142 Draxler, J – GER – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 7
60 Aduriz, A – ESP – STR Jorge Barco FC 6
109 Quaresma, R – POT – MID Jorge Barco FC 6
14 Shevchuk, V – UKR – DEF Pete B Real Brexit 5
27 Yarmolenko, A – UKR – STR James N FC TesticuladewLand 5
32 Long, S – IRL – STR Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 5
54 Martial, A – FRA – STR Stu Cowley Caliphate 5
58 Cahill, G – ENG – DEF James N FC TesticuladewLand 5
59 Ramsey, A – WAL – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 5
65 Williams, A – WAL – DEF Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 5
69 Limbersky, D – CZE – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 5
87 Pepe – POT – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 5
104 Akinfeev, I – RUS – GK Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 5
113 Glik, K – POL – DEF Jack Up Yours Delors 5
145 Khedira, S – GER – MID Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 5
152 McCarthy, J – IRL – MID Kike Asturius FC 5
25 Khacheridi, Y – UKR – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 4
38 Matuidi, B – FRA – MID Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 4
102 Fuchs, C – AUT – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 4
103 Silva, R – POT – MID Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 4
138 Pekarik, P – SVK – DEF Jorge Barco FC 4
18 de Gea, D – ESP – GK Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 3
80 Stancu, B – RMN – STR Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 3
95 Koke – ESP – MID Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 3
111 Coleman, S – IRL – DEF Stu Cowley Caliphate 3
118 Blaszczykowski, J – POL – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 3
119 Seferovic, H – SUI – STR Jack Up Yours Delors 3
148 Djourou, J – SUI – DEF Stix Napoleon Dynorod 3
150 Danilo – POT – DEF Pete B Real Brexit 3
67 Granqvist, A – SWE – DEF Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 2
84 Lloris, H – FRA – GK Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 2
96 Tatarusanu, C – RMN – GK Pete B Real Brexit 2
114 Krychowiak, G – POL – MID Jorge Barco FC 2
116 Fabianski, L – POL – GK Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 2
132 Florenzi, A – ITA – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 2
149 Schar, F – SUI – DEF Jorge Barco FC 2
158 Forsberg, E – SWE – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 2
23 Insigne, L – ITA – STR Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 1
35 Kaderabek, P – CZE – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 1
36 Yilmaz, B – TUR – STR Ben D Blame Canada 1
50 Lafferty, K – NIR – STR Pete B Real Brexit 1
90 Origi, D – BEL – STR Kike Asturius FC 1
105 De Rossi, D – ITA – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 1
124 Prodl, S – AUT – DEF Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 1
137 De Rossi, D – ITA – MID Jack Up Yours Delors 1
139 Konoplyanka, Y – UKR – MID Ben D Blame Canada 1
140 Almer, R – AUT – GK Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 1
160 Denayer, J – BEL – DEF Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 1
177 Kovacic, M – CRO – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 1
99 Olsson, M – SWE – DEF Abdi L’ Horn d’ Afrque 0.5
101 Podolski, L – GER – STR Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
110 Walters, J – IRL – STR Jack Up Yours Delors 0.5
115 Keane, R – IRL – STR Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 0.5
117 Barzagli, A – ITA – DEF Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
120 Evans, J – NIR – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
122 Inan, S – TUR – MID Pete B Real Brexit 0.5
125 Pyatov, A – UKR – GK Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 0.5
127 Sivok, T – CZE – DEF Kike Asturius FC 0.5
128 Sanches, R – POT – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
129 Kokorin, A – RUS – STR Sholto Jimmy De Gea’s Under 16s 0.5
135 Dier, E – ENG – MID Kike Asturius FC 0.5
141 Nainggolan, R – BEL – MID Will Wandsworth Window Lickers 0.5
143 Okotie, R – AUT – MID Kike Asturius FC 0.5
146 Shirokov, R – RUS – MID Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
147 Schweinsteiger, B – GER – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
151 Dragovic, A – AUT – DEF Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
153 Hennessey, W – WAL – GK Stu Cowley Caliphate 0.5
154 Guerreiro, R – POT – DEF Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
156 Mario, J – POT – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
157 Berg, M – SWE – STR Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 0.5
159 Mignolet, S – BEL – GK Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
162 Rashford, M – ENG – STR Pete B Real Brexit 0.5
163 Taylor, N – WAL – DEF Lewis I can be you euro baby 0.5
164 Mangala, E – FRA – DEF Luke Dulwhich Red Sox 0.5
165 Chiriches, V – RMN – DEF Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
166 Nemec, A – SVK – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
167 Alves, B – POT – DEF Spencer 2 Goals One Cup 0.5
168 Alves, B – POT – DEF Ben D Blame Canada 0.5
169 Rat, R – RMN – DEF Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
170 Larsson, S – SWE – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 0.5
171 Weiss, V – SVK – MID Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
172 Harnik, M – AUT – MID Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
174 Klein, F – AUT – MID Stix Napoleon Dynorod 0.5
175 Xhaka, G – SUI – MID Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
176 Mehmedi, A – SUI – STR Ben D Blame Canada 0.5
178 Subasic, D – CRO – GK Lewis I can be you euro baby 0.5
179 Kalinic, N – CRO – STR Stix Napoleon Dynorod 0.5
180 Silva, A – POT – MID Lewis I can be you euro baby 0.5
181 Corluka, V – CRO – DEF James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
182 Piszczek, L – POL – DEF James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
183 Zielinski, P – POL – MID Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
184 Sigthorsson, K – ICE – STR Ben M Sporting Lesbian’s 0.5
186 Dzsudzsak, B – HUN – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
187 Kucka, J – SVK – MID James N FC TesticuladewLand 0.5
188 Nemec, A – SVK – STR Andrew D Democratic Republic of Young Boys 0.5
189 Ward, J – NIR – STR Ben Former Yugoslav Repbulic of Leeds 0.5
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Analysis: The secret of international success

ANYONE seeking success in a Euros fantasy auction this week will be beset by the same questions.

Who will start for their country? Who will carry their club form into the tournament? Who will be the star player sneaking under the radar of other managers?

Perhaps most importantly, how will the enlarged host of players in the tournament affect how the traditional targets of goalkeepers, wing backs, attacking midfielders and strikers score points?

For managers taking part in this Friday’s 2016 Jean-Alain Boumsong European Cup all these concerns are equally relevant, with the addition of two added challenges.

First, each manager is only allowed to buy one player per country. Second, a new rule means each manager for the first time has a choice of formations.

Also bear in mind, for the first time this summer players scoring in penalty shoot outs will pick up points.

As managers wade through the newspaper and football website previews which have sprung up in the last few days, in some cases the most comprehensive ever seen before a major tournament, how do they ascertain who will earn them coveted international glory?

In an attempt to learn from previous competitions, the winning teams from the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup, the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup and the 2014 Emerson World Cup can be found below.

What do the last three winners of major football tournaments have in common?

All their players scored

From Leo Messi’s 43 points in 2014 to Charisteas’ mere two points in 2010, all the players in winning teams at least started a game. The only winning team to contain a top points scorer was The Eurosceptics in 2012 with Jordi Alba.

The average score of a winning player across all three competitions is 15.36. This is equivalent to four starts, a goal and assist, or three starts and a goal and clean sheet.

All had two players in the final

In 2010 and 2012, the winning teams had one defensive player and one attacking player in the final. In 2014, Testiculadew Land had two of the attacking players of the tournament in the final. There are only three players to be knocked out in the semi finals in all three teams.

All had between three and five players to exit at the group stage

With just an auction and no opportunity for transfers, winning teams have seen up to half their players exiting after the first three matches. The average score for each player is around eights points. Three starts and a goal, clean sheet or assist would easily achieve this.

On average, each striker made up 4.5 per cent of the team’s total score, each midfielder eight per cent, each defender eight per cent and the goalkeeper 12 per cent

Comparatively, goalkeepers contribute more to the team than players in other positions.

Bruno Alves featured in two of the last three winning teams

Alves himself appears to have moved on to a career in kung fu. Nevertheless, this type of player, who regularly and unspectacularly goes into the knockout stages for less than £5m, represents good value.

2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup
Winning team: Nelson’s Column
Manager: Stix
Total points: 171

Nelsons Column - 2010
Nelsons Column – 2010

2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup
Winning team: The Eurosceptics
Manager: Alex
Total points: 157 (final table)

The Eurosceptics - 2012
The Eurosceptics – 2012

2014 Emerson World Cup
Winning team: Testiculadew Land
Manager: James N
Total points: 179 (final table)

Testiculadewland - 2014
Testiculadewland – 2014

 

 

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Boumsong declares war on ‘clipboard managers’

LONDON’S most prestigious Euros fantasy football competition will eradicate what it calls ‘clipboard management’, according to organisers.

More penalty drinks, variable formations and a mystery player draw are all being introduced to the 2016 Jean-Alain Boumsong European Cup auction to create an environment where ‘managers must fly by the seat of their pants’.

“Managers should be making impulse decisions, bidding on instinct and relying on their wits alone. I wouldn’t say they’ve become too wily – no one could make that accusation of any of this shower – but they have become too cautious,” said the chairman at a press conference this morning, in reference to a growing trend which prompted crisis talks in the upper echelons of Kenna HQ in February.

A marked decrease in managers triggering the league’s draconian forfeit procedure – the Titus Bramble ruling – has been observed over the last few domestic Kenna League events.

New rules announced for the Boumsong are being seen by many as a way of bringing more entertainment to the competition.

“The last two domestic auctions have seen slow bidding as managers hold up the auction checking stats on their cursed clipboards. Few managers are Brambling themselves and ‘Bramble Hour’ has disappeared completely,” continued the chairman in reference to the stage in an auction when alcohol begins to get the better of people’s judgement.

“Just compare that to the Olisabede.”

One manager Brambled himself so many times he resigned halfway through the evening, another began Brambling himself on purpose and everyone nearly came to blows. The chairman was, of course, referring to the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction that took place four years ago yesterday.

He was eager to point out he was not condoning the dark art of tactical Brambling. League legislation since 2012 has seen the practice all but wiped out.

Nevertheless, those present at the last Euros auction recall how the atmosphere changed after everyone downed a shot of tequila.

“We will introduce more official shot drinking to the Boumsong to impede decision making,” decreed the chairman, slamming both his fist on the table and a glass of Mezcal.

In addition to a round of shorts just before the start of the auction, organisers confirmed everyone present will neck another drink when England striker Jamie Vardy is introduced to bidding by the random player generator.

“He’s having a party,” explained the chairman, refilling his glass.

Further rule changes dictate anyone Brambling will have to buy a shot for themselves and for the manager who bought the preceding player. Both managers cannot take part in the auction again until they’ve seen off those draughts.

Another source of confusion will be the introduction of variable team formations.

Having traditionally prescribed a 4-4-2 or 4-3-3 formation, organisers have finally bowed to the tactical flexibility that sees many international sides play with less strikers.

Managers will now have the choice of 4-3-3, 4-4-2, 4-5-1, 5-3-2, 5-4-1, 3-5-2 or 3-4-3. Formations do not have to be declared in advance, but participants should remember only one player of each nationality is permitted in each team.

There must be enough in the £100m managerial budget to spend at least £0.5m on each signing too.

Finally, there were hints at the press conference of a mystery player draw. Details are scant, mainly because the chairman was beginning to lose his grip on the day.

“Yous jusss have to way nnn seee. Kuntz, facking Kuntz,” slurred the chairman, in what everyone politely took as a nod to either the auction dress code or the international meanderings of Jack Wilshere.

The auction will take place on the evening of Friday 10 June in the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, scene of last August’s Kenna auction.

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The chairman’s new clothes

ENTRANTS to a fantasy football Euro 2016 auction should turn up in replica football shirts celebrating the competition, it was announced today.

At a press conference this morning, organisers of the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros auction said managers should wear shirts ‘recognising players and teams who have enhanced our experience of the European Cup’.

“As for my shirt, for me, when I think of Germany winning the Euros in England 20 years ago, I think Kuntz,” the chairman told stunned journalists.

The comment was part explained when the chairman unveiled the shirt he would be wearing to the auction in early June: the number 11 Stefan Kuntz Germany shirt from Euro 96.

“Everyone has a Kuntz,” he went on oblivious. “A player, a team, a moment which has shaped their memories of the competition.

“You say to me: van Basten’s volley, Poborsky’s scoop, Zidane’s control, Gazza’s magic, Villa’s hat trick, Zlatan’s flick, Pirlo’s pinpoint accuracy, Figo’s comeback and Suker’s lob.

“And I say to you: Dutch Kuntz, Czech Kuntz, French Kuntz, English, Kuntz, Spanish Kuntz, Swedish Kuntz, Italian Kuntz, Portuguese Kuntz and Croatian Kuntz.”

When one reporter asked if managers at the auction – decked out in all these different football shirts – would end up looking like ‘a bunch of Kuntz’, the chairman looked slightly bemused.

“Well, that’s a pretty crude way of putting it, but yes, I suppose in that sense they will,” he replied, warming to the analogy. “But not a bunch of Kuntz, I’d say it’ll be more like a festival or carnival of Kuntz.”

Taking place on the evening of Friday 10 June at the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, the Boumsong auction will see up to 20 managers battling it out to sign their eleven players for the tournament.

Managers can only sign one player of each nationality. They will have the added challenge of the opening match of the tournament France v Romania being played on television at the same.

In the domestic league this week, Andros Townsend and Jermaine Defoe both found the net to help Walthamstow Reds cut Young Boys‘ lead by another eight points to 38.

Kenna table – week 35

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - week 35 - 3 May 2016
Kenna table – week 35 – 3 May 2016

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Cowley Casuals Stu 39 3
2 Pikey Scum Jack 39 0
3 Northern Monkeys Hugo 36 4
4 Newington Reds Ben D 31 2
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 29 2
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 27 2
7 Uncertain Pete B 24 3
8 Headless Chickens John N 24 1
9 FC Tescticuladew James N 24 1
10 Young Boys Andrew D 23 1
11 Thieving Magpies Phil 22 2
12 Wandsworth Network Solutions Will 21 1
13 Carles Carles 18 1
14 ISIL Abdi 17 2
15 KS West Green Stix 17 1
16 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
17 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 13 0
18 Team Panda George 13 0
19 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 7 0
Points Player
Player of the week 17 Mane, S – SOT – MID
Club Cowley Casuals
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