On the eastern edge of the Andaman Sea, a tropical island sustains one of earth’s most fascinating species.
The local population is supplemented each winter by visitors from the northern hemisphere. A small group of these migrants are male and female couples, sometimes accompanied by infant offspring, but they are far outnumbered by their fellow Europeans: the Bridget Jones.
Occasionally roaming the island in pairs or groups of four, the Bridget Jones is more commonly found in threes.
Whether in public feeding areas or basking in the afternoon sun on a sandy coastline, these trios are instantly recognisable by their sensible tanning practices and somber social interaction.
It is thought their downturned demeanour stems from having reached the twilight of their prime with a catalogue of failed attempts at mating both in their domestic habitat and their travels.
Available male migrants on the island are deemed unsuitable by the Bridget Jones. Older, overweight and observed to be operating alone, the male appears wholly interested by members of the local populous considered far too young to be socially acceptable in their home environment.
Even deep into happy hour, spirits among the groups of Bridget Jones appear unnaturally low despite the warm climate and their lean physique.
EXCITEMENT coursed through her body as he closed the door.
She turned in the middle of the room to face him. The skin felt taut against her clothes as the goosebumps swept over her. This was going to be it.
The evening had been a slow, lovely, enchanting build up to this point. He’d taken her to an expensive bar where they sipped champagne and talked about her day and her life. As boring as she thought it was, his interest had made it so exhilerating. At one time he gently touched her hand when telling a joke and her stomach turned a somersault. It took every effort to maintain composure.
Afterwards they went to an Italian restaurant where the chicken had tasted so different to Nandos. As she ate she eyed him coquettishly while he quietly looked back. His eyes were as tender as the chicken and it was soon afterwards, between the main course and the banana split, she had felt her body, felt her soul, give over to him.
Now in the room her senses heightened as he bent forward to kiss her on the lips. A warm, fluttering feeling began to swirl deep inside her. She thought she was going to faint.
Their kissing became longer and more instense. His hands took her by the hips and pushed up the flimsy dress bit by bit. No one had ever touched her like this before. So firm. So gentle. She put her hands around his neck and let his tongue explore her mouth before moving his head back to help the dress over her head. She stood in nothing but black underwear and high heels. The air of the room tingled against her naked flesh. Her eyes were wide with anticipation.
“Take off your bra,” he commanded. It had been the first thing he said since leaving the restaurant. His voice was brusque and edgy, but by now she trusted him completely. She quivered before reaching behind her back and feeling for the clip. His eyes widened as the material came away to reveal her hard, throbbing…..
All of sudden there was a loud knocking at the door. His head snapped around and he tensed. When someone the other side shouted his name over and over again, his shoulders relaxed in recognition.
He motioned to her to hide in the bathroom. Once she closed the door she heard him let the stranger into the room. The newcomer whispered in harsh tones before both their voices raised. There was a short commotion before the bathroom door was flung open to reveal a tall man of fair complexion. She felt so small and cheap. She wanted to cry. The intruder examined her briefly before turning to her date.
“For God’s sake, Adam,” hissed the ginger. “Get her dressed and get her in a taxi home. We’ve got a Canesten Combi Cup fixture this week.”
Taking the George Michael: The Go For Broke Cup will neither objectify nor stereotype wealthy Arabian businessmen (photo: akunthita)
A NEW competition to find the worst knockout tournament team in fantasy football was unveiled today.
The Go For Broke Cup takes the only four teams in the Kenna not to qualify from the group/pool stage of the Canesten Combi Cup and pit them against each other to find out which manager really is the most hapless.
Unlike the slightly racist TV advert for a board game of the same name, the Go For Broke Cup will not see managers dress as Arabian oil sheikhs, get irritated by a casino win or welcome a stock price collapse.
Instead the four sides will play a further group/pool after which the bottom two will enter a playoff. The loser will win.
The Kenna chairman, whose team KS West Green are one of the four clubs to be involved, was quick to dismiss rumours the competition would overrun an already inefficient administration.
“The Go For Broke Cup is yet another way for us to determine the worst managers out there,” he said, with a nod towards the bosses of Hoxton Pirates and Fat Ladies who are both rooted to the foot of the Kenna League.
Elsewhere, the Sporting Lesbian manager made a case for a Kenna League and Canesten Combi Cup double this season by both topping group/pool A and extending his lead at the top of the table.
The Lesbian strike partnership of Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle are the only pair in the league to both break 100 points. Their combined total of 236 points is over a century more than their nearest rivals.
Despite their zero-hours contracts policy, Cowley Casuals took advantage of another poor week in the steady decline of Bala Rinas to take second place, but still lay 76 points off the leaders.
Managers will be looking ahead to the season’s second transfer on Saturday 6 February, just over two weeks away.
CHED Evans has handed in his transfer request at Hoxton Pirates because he believes playing for the club is damaging his reputation.
Shadowy links to kidnappings, poor observation of Ramadan and militant extremist group Al Shabaab of the club’s Somali manager have been cited by Evans as reasons for the swell of negative public opinion surrounding the striker.
“My conscience is clear, so the only way I can explain how Brand Ched has come to be demonised in the media is through representing a club associated with religious oppression and general pillage on the high seas. I need to find a new club immediately,” said Evans, who has previous for trying to force a move.
Evans joined Hoxton Pirates as a forfeit at the October transfer window under the Titus Bramble ruling, after the manager had overspent his budget.
Outside the club’s Pitfield Street ground this morning, the Pirates manager resfused to be backed into a corner by his Welsh striker: “Yarrrrrr! The scoundrel needs to knuckle down instead o’ tryin’ to win the favours of ladies of the night in Charlie Wright’s International Bar by singing on the karaoke machine. If I be hearing Blurred Lines one more time he be gettin’ himself keelhauled.”
Several clubs are reported to be uninterested in the wantaway centre forward, who has also criticised Hoxton Pirates’ poor form this season for not providing enough of a challenge. The club is rooted to both the bottom of the Kenna League and, with one fixture remaining before the knockout stage, the foot of Canesten Combi Cup group C. The side has not scored a goal since 25 November.
For now the drought looks set to continue. The club’s other forward Mauro Zarate has failed to live up to what little promise brought the Argentine to England. A midfield of Matic, Januzaj, Ramirez and Wright-Phillips hardly screams ‘goals’.
The club will be looking to ring the changes come the February transfer window, and even without his attempts to pin down the manager Evans’ future at the club is doubtful. Perhaps there’s a role for the striker with Gavin Peacock.
Wives: one of the primary ways you are to respect your husband is by gladly submitting to and encouraging his leadership.
Knee trembler: The Young Boys manager reacted badly to the cup Christmas fixture list (photo: Kingston99)
THE Young Boys manager was left cursing Kenna HQ ahead of Christmas after Charlie Austin scored a hat trick during a cup week….when his side didn’t have a fixture.
Overwhelmed by such a glut of goals from the striker, the Young Boys manager had immediately taken to social media networking site Twitter on Sunday.
Defender John Terry brought the Young Boys goal tally to four, but the festive cheer dried up at the when the manager realised his side were not playing in group/pool A.
A long-time critic of Kenna HQ’s decision to amend the cup fixtures system from head-to-head points scored in a week to head-to-head goals, the Young Boys manager was quick to vent his spleen.
@jeffkennaleague O goody, JT scored another goal for the Young Boys in cup week, when we don’t have a fixture, you’ve ruined the cup!
Dynamo face Young Boys over the Christmas weekend. Sporting opened up their lead at the top of the Kenna League after chasers Bala Rinas put in a pitiful shift.
Injuries to influential midfielders Dusan Tadic and Aaron Ramsey have seen Bala Rinas lose momentum they could never dream to maintain with a front two of Stefan Jovetic and Marouane Chamakh.
‘Guys. Hey, you guys, I’m over here. Guys?’: Marvin Sordell has been overlooked by the Kenna apparatus (photo: Telegraph)
KENNA League blazers have admitted they didn’t know who Marvin Sordell was after it emerged the striker had not been scoring points for two months.
Until today no one at Kenna HQ noticed Sordell’s one start and three substitute appearances failed to contribute to the title efforts of St Reatham FC.
A leaked email from the charts and graphs department in response to an enquiry about the oversight read: “Sordell was down as a Leicester player, not sure why, probably because I don’t know who he is.”
Murmurs among managers in the league maintain Marvin Sordell was overlooked because his underwhelming performances and suggestive name make him sound less like a footballer and more like an adult film actor. Peter Ndlovu or Rod Fanni are two other such phenomenons.
Despite his lack of goals and perceived inclination to whip it out at the first sniff of innuendo, Sordell’s efforts have still seen St Reatham FC climb up on top of Cowley Casuals to third place in the table.
The St Reatham FC manager was unavailable for comment, but sources at the club say he’s welcomed the Sordell oversight in light of his continued efforts to avoid questioning from Surrey Police.
Sordell wasn’t needed for St Reatham to win their group C – or pool C, depending on who you talk to at Kenna HQ – match in the opening round of the season’s Canesten Combi Cup competition this weekend. A Juan Mata notch was enough to overcome a goalless, and bottom of the table, Fat Ladies.
KENNA HQ has admitted it still doesn’t know whether the first round of this season’s Canesten Combi Cup competition will be known as the ‘group’ or the ‘pool’ stage.
The quandary comes as the four cup groups – or pools – are announced today.
Recovering from the first of a clutch of Christmas smash ups this morning, the chairman said: “We’ve always called the first round the ‘group’ stage, but we thought this year we would call it the ‘pool’ stage. They use the term in rugby’s The Heineken Cup and it sounds quite professional, but then it also leaves us open to jokes about that night at Michael Barrymore’s house, and this kind of inappropriate carry on is really off brand for the league.
“We’ve got through at least a crate of scotch and several types of recreational drugs debating the matter in the Kenna HQ situation room but we’re still drowning in detail. We could even call them ‘draws’, I suppose.”
Further criticism was heaped on league authorities for their controversial new cup seeding process.
Each team has been grouped – or pooled – with every fourth team going down the Kenna League table.
“The new seeding process is an excellent solution to two problems,” said the chairman to the dayshift barman’s exasperation in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo.
“First, it ensures that every group – or pool – is of comparable quality so any team can strike it lucky, and second, we forgot to do the draw at the October transfer window because everyone was too busy drunkenly playing with the display-only cutlasses in the pub.”
Cup fixtures will be played during the following five weeks:
16 December
23 December
30 December
6 January
20 January
Group/Pool A Sporting Lesbian
Young Boys
Headless Chickens
Judean Peoples’ Front
Dynamo Charlton
Group/Pool B Bala Rinas
KS West Green
Piedmonte
Team Panda Rules OK
Just Put Carles
Group/Pool C Cowley Casuals
Pikey Scum
Walthamstow Reds
Still Don’t Know Yet
Hoxton Pirates
Group/Pool D St Reatham FC
Lokomotiv Leeds
Hairy Fadjeetas
FC Testiculadew
Fat Ladies
Frooming marvellous: FC Testiculadew will spend the last competitive week of the Kenna cruising to victory
DURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.
Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.
Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.
A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.
Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.
In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.
JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.
In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.
Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.
Kevin Mirallas scored twice to edge FC Testiculadew towards a second Kenna double (photo: deeegaogtgjg123)
KEVIN Mirallas and Christian Benteke may be a mini Belgian injury crisis for FC Testiculadew, but the club still moved one step closer to a second Kenna double in three campaigns this week with an assured display.
On his way to the physio’s bench winger Mirallas notched two goals to put the side managed by the founder of tactical Brambling both in the Canesten Combi Cup final and extend their lead over Piedmonte to 36 points.
Hopes of snatching the title at the final fence look even more remote for the Piedmonte manager even though his side put in another solid week led again by Jason Puncheon. If only he’d kept Samir Nasri – the Frenchman picked up a goal and an assist to help Bala Rinas into fourth place.
With just four weeks left of the season and relegation all but rubber stamped for the bottom three clubs, the race for the Wenger Trophy is shaping up to take centre stage in the league’s remaining narrative.
Just 30 points separate the five clubs floating around the final prize spot, and the cast are varied: Sporting Lesbian are defending champions, Team Panda Rules OK debutants and the other three managers are league committee members yet to find silverware in the quagmire of political intrigue at Kenna HQ.
Another subplot is the miraculous cup run of Northern Monkeys. The manager voiced concerns over the ability of Samuel Eto’o and Fabio Borini back in February, but the pair earned the Monkeys a place in the final at the expense of a toothless St Reatham FC.
It seems unlikely the Monkeys’ luck will continue into the pageantry of that May afternoon. With David Silva possibly out injured for the rest of the season, the midfield consists of Antonio Valencia, Stewart Downing and forfeit player Stuart Hazell.
No amount of cash in the attic could buy a goal for that lot.
BLUNDERING blazers at Kenna HQ are desperately scrabbling to find a tie-break solution after chances mounted this week that the top two clubs could end the season on the same points and goals.
Another notch from in-form Jason Puncheon and an assist from Steve Gerrard helped Piedmonte close the gap on league leaders FC Testiculadew to just 25 points. With five weeks left of the campaign only two goals scored separates the sides.
What’s now being billed as the closest Kenna title race ever could turn into a shambles as bungling officials at league headquarters admitted there was no contingency plan should two sides end level on points and goals scored.
An extraordinary committee meeting was convoked earlier today to discuss a solution.
Leaked minutes revealed the Kenna executive is considering a number of tie-break options, which include going down to points scored in the final week, ranking the teams on the number of clean sheets kept or declaring the 10-month competition a draw.
One committee member even suggested managers sending in a one-minute video plea for the championship so the rest of the league could vote on the most deserving.
The news will be of severe concern to both the Piedmonte and FCT managers, the former hoping for his first title in nine years of trying and the latter in the hunt for an unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double.
Should the FCT manager win the league outright, he could rue his team’s Canesten Combi Cup semi-final performance this weekend. The former cup winners failed to register an away goal in their sibling derby with Headless Chickens.
In the other semi, Northern Monkeys took a two-goal lead over St Reatham FC thanks to Per Mertesacker and David Silva.
