Cannestan Combi Cup – Page 3 – The Jeff Kenna League

Second double no laughing matter

Ming the Merciless — Fools: Managers are being shown up as a bunch of jokers by an FC Testiculadew manager building his empire (photo courtesy of xndrnz)

WAY past midday on 1 April the FC Testiculadew manager is still making fools of the rest of the Kenna League.

Cup results - 1 April 2014 — Canesten Combi Cup quarter final results – 1 April 2014

Goals from Kevin Mirallas, Juan Mata and a brace from Edin Dzeko saw the sinister, handwringing cackle of the Bramble Baron move one step closer to an unprecedented second Kenna double.

Sweeping aside bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington 5-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup quarter final, the FCT manager has set up a juicy semi final against his sibling at Headless Chickens. The tie is a replay of the May 2012 final FCT won to claim the league and cup double.

Despite a midfield boasting convicted child murderer Stuart Hazell, Northern Monkeys clinched their tie to set up a semi final with St Reatham FC. Kenna HQ detractors will be pleased to see them move ahead at the expense of two committee members.

The free-scoring form of Peter Odemwingie means second-placed Piedmonte are still in with an outside chance of challenging for the title, but with seven weeks left in the season the trophyless manager is fast running out of time.

The door is slightly ajar for Judean Peoples’ Front too. The Anders Breivik lookalike manager’s team stayed in the race with a double from Jay Rodriguez.

The rest of the league’s top half can only hope to secure the Wenger Trophy.

Meanwhile, it looks like the writing’s on the wall for Spartak Mogadishu, Dulwich Red Sox and PSV Mornington – Pussy Riot to the FCT manager’s Vladimir Putin.

Kenna table

Kenna week 30 - 1 April 2014 — Kenna week 30 – 1 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Just put Carles	Carles	53	2
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	53	2
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	52	2
4	St. Reatham FC	Mike	50	2
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	48	4
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	44	1
7	Team Panda Rules OK	George	44	1
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	42	2
9	Piedmonte	Phil	41	3
10	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	39	4
11	Headless Chickens	John N	34	1
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	32	0
13	KS West Green	Stix	29	0
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	28	2
15	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	27	3
16	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	27	1
17	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	27	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	0
19	Young Boys	Denney	26	0
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	2
21	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	1
22	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	21	1
23	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	14	1
	Points	Player
Player of the week	17	Dzeko, E – MCY – STR
	Club	FC Testiculadew

FCT Putin the boot in

Vladimir Putin — On target: The Russian leader and the FC Testiculadew manager are wiping the floor with the opposition.

IMPERIAL aggression, hasty plebiscites in obscure lands and a Christian Benteke goal mean history looks to be repeating itself both in European geopolitics and the Kenna League.

Just as it turns out that inside every Ukrainian there’s an armed Russian wearing a balaclava just waiting to get out, so FC Testiculadew have emerged from the pack as favourites to lift the title.

Cup results - 25 March 2014 — Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Despite plenty of goals for Piedmonte (Long and Odemwingie) and Judean Peoples’ Front (Eriksen x2 and Rodriguez), the second and third place teams are being made to look like squabbling Western appeasers as ‘the villain of the Kenna‘ marches towards domination.

With just eight competitive weeks left, FCT’s impressive form and 28-point buffer means nothing short of World War Three will stop the manager claiming his second Kenna championship in three years.

Pikey Scum climbed into the top four, in no small part down to Newington Reds defender Kieran Gibbs being wrongfully dismissed on Saturday.

Whether the red card is rescinded remains to be seen, but Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s lucky escape has put KS West Green above Headless Chickens and Hairy Fadjeetas – both early front runners of the campaign whose managers now seem to have run out of ideas in the league.

The Chickens boss is left to focus his attention on the Canesten Combi Cup, where his side took a three-goal lead in the quarter final first leg at West Green.

FCT look set to annex a badly-organised and ill-equipped PSV Mornington in their tie, although unlike Vlad they’ll need two weekends rather than one.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DksSPZTZES0]

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Just put Carles	Carles	48	4
2	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	39	3
3	Headless Chickens	John N	37	5
4	KS West Green	Stix	37	2
5	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	34	2
6	FC Testiculadew	James N	33	1
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	2
8	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	31	1
9	Piedmonte	Phil	30	2
10	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	29	4
11	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	26	3
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	26	1
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	1
14	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	24	1
15	Young Boys	Denney	23	1
16	St. Reatham FC	Mike	21	2
17	Team Panda Rules OK	George	21	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	20	0
19	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	1
20	Newington Reds	Dudley	15	0
21	PSV Mornington	El Pons	15	0
22	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
23	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	4	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague

Odemwingie’s Kenna

Ian Botham — Cigar moment: Can Peter Odemwingie help the Piedmonte manager claim his first Kenna title in nine years of trying?

GOALS from the unlikeliest source saw Piedmonte climb to second with just nine weeks left in the season.

More than a year since suffering an horrific injury sustained while sleeping in his car outside Loftus Road, Peter Odemwingie appears to have recovered his fitness and confidence to score twice this weekend.

Until last month’s transfer window, the Nigerian had been passed from club to club, unable to build any sort of momentum and at one point considered less reliable than an email from his home country.

Piedmonte put £5m worth of faith in the striker in February, set club doctors about treatment of a sore neck and some discomfort in the buttock where he’d slept on his wallet, and the manager’s already got back three goals and an assist.

Whether Odemwingie can go on to inspire his team to glory, much as Ian Botham did with bat and ball against Australia in 1981, remains to be seen.

Looking at the misfits in the rest of the Piedmonte side it seems less likely than the FC Testiculadew manager dropping his villain tag.

Abandon Cup!

Canesten Combi Cup holders Spartak Mogadishu were dumped out of the competition on the weekend, but reports filtering out of Somalia suggest the club’s manager has other priorities.

Upon learning a Boeing 777 could be floating around in the Indian Ocean last week the Somali immediately put out to sea.

Visitors to the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility found the site deserted, save for an elderly, khat-chewing groundsman who talked of an entire community swept up in the swarthy promise of hundreds of untouched Halal meal options.

The defeat means Headless Chickens will face KS West Green in the first leg of this weekend’s quarter finals.

In a classic top-versus-bottom clash, FC Testiculadew will take on PSV Mornington after Hairy Fadjeetas added to their recent league woe by losing on points in the second leg of their match against a side managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.

In the other last 16 tie settled on points, Northern Monkeys beat Rapids de Cullons, and will face Newington Reds this weekend.

The winners of that fixture will play either St Reatham FC or the treasurer’s team Bala Rinas.

Kenna table

Kenna week 28 - 18 March 2014 — Kenna week 28 – 18 March 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Piedmonte	Phil	39	4
2	Young Boys	Denney	32	1
3	KS West Green	Stix	32	0
4	Pikey Scum	Jack	31	1
5	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	28	0
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	26	0
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	25	2
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	25	0
9	Headless Chickens	John N	24	1
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	1
11	St. Reatham FC	Mike	24	1
12	PSV Mornington	El Pons	23	1
13	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	0
14	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	19	1
15	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	18	0
16	Newington Reds	Dudley	17	0
17	FC Testiculadew	James N	15	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0
19	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	13	0
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	13	0
21	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	11	1
22	Just put Carles	Carles	11	0
23	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	10	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Odemwingie, P – STO – STR
		Club	Piedmonte

League elite enjoy ‘Oscar’s night’

Rhineland cowboy: An Andre Schurrle hat-trick doubled his goal tally for the season (photo courtesy of dominickwinter)

CALLS for an official inquiry have been heard around the Kenna after teams led by two high-ranking league officials registered resounding cup victories in what was otherwise a quiet week for goals.

In the first leg of the Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures, KS West Green and Bala Rinas – managed by the Kenna chairman and treasurer respectively – both scored four shots on target, or ‘got an Oscar’s night‘, as it has recently become known.

A hat-trick for Andre Schurrle and a rare Curtis Davies strike secured a vital away win for the chairman’s side over Judean Peoples’ Front, whose manager is best known for looking like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.

Johnny Heitinga, Romelu Lukaku and a brace from Moussa Sissoko saw Bala Rinas cruise to victory over a lacklustre Team Panda Rules OK performance.

No doubt spurred on by either ongoing events in Ukraine, a faction led by the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has questioned the integrity of the league and called for a full investigation.

The Young Boys manager, who two days ago attacked the league for being anti-Welsh, even called for a boycott of the new improved cup wall chart, released today.

“You see this? I wouldn’t wash my car with this! And not only because it’s a piece of paper,” he fumed at his chamois.

The Chairman’s response was uncharacteristic, but made clear upon watching the YouTube video below. He said: “Yo, you want fantasy football? I got fantasy football. I got the best fantasy football.

“This area’s dry, man. You know that. I know that. Ain’t nobody arranging fantasy football but me.

“I got auctions, I got transfer windows, I got pub crawls. I’ve got the finest cup competition this area has seen in years. You need me and I need you. Let’s make this work.

“You buy entry to the league, you get entry to the cup totally free. Gratis.

“I got everything. Even a World Cup fantasy auction, baby.”

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 first leg results

Rapids De Cullons 1 – 0 Northern Monkeys

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 2 Newington Reds

St Reatham FC 0 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds

Team Panda Rules OK 1 – 4 Bala Rinas

Judean Peoples’ Front 0 – 4 KS West Green

Headless Chickens 0 – 0 Spartak Mogadishu

FC Testiculadew 2 – 1 This is Sparta…Prague

PSV Mornington 0 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 26 - 4 March 2014 — Kenna week 26 – 4 March 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	KS West Green	Stix	33	4
2	Bala Rinas	Lewis	29	4
3	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	29	1
4	Newington Reds	Dudley	28	2
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	25	2
6	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	25	0
7	Team Panda Rules OK	George	25	0
8	Piedmonte	Phil	23	1
9	Young Boys	Denney	23	0
10	Just put Carles	Carles	20	1
11	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	0
12	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	19	1
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	19	0
14	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	18	1
15	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	17	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	15	0
17	PSV Mornington	El Pons	14	0
18	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	13	0
19	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	13	0
20	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	11	0
21	St. Reatham FC	Mike	10	0
22	Headless Chickens	John N	8	0
23	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Schurrle, A – CHE – MID
		Club	KS West Green

Northern Monkeys manager admits to concerns about Eto’o and Borini

Samuel Eto'o — Up yours: Samuel Eto’o had a clear message in response to his manager’s comments (credit: Show Racism the Red Card)

NORTHERN Monkeys’ last 16 cup draw at Rapids De Cullons was overshadowed this week by an extraordinary row over a series of unguarded but highly disparaging remarks by the manager about the club’s strikers.

The Northern Monkeys boss was recorded by the French television company Canal Plus in what he thought was a private conversation with the owner of a Swiss Toblerone, thought to be the St Reatham FC manager.

“I have a team but no striker,” said the Monkeys manager. “The problem at Northern Monkeys is that we are lacking a goalscorer. I have one [Samuel Eto’o] but he is 32, possibly 35, who knows?”

The remark about Eto’o is understood to be a reference to the supposed doubt about the true age of some African players.

The other Northern Monkeys striker Fabio Borini was not mentioned in the same sentence as the word ‘goalscorer’.

The club has not disputed the authenticity of the manager’s comments but are adamant that they were supposed to be light-hearted and not meant for broadcast or publication.

Northern Monkeys have scored 27 goals this season, one less than their Canesten Combi Cup opponents Rapids De Cullon. The two sides meet in the first leg of their last 16 tie this weekend.

In a first for world football, the ties were drawn this Wednesday evening on a moving train to an audience of a couple of cans of lager.

First tie out is Rapids vs Monkeys #CupDraw https://t.co/saCzfp2Eft

— Stix (@jeffkennaleague) February 26, 2014

Canesten Combi Cup last 16 fixtures

Rapids De Cullons v Northern Monkeys

Dynamo Charlton v Newington Reds

St Reatham FC v Lokomotiv Leeds

Team Panda Rules OK v Bala Rinas

Judean Peoples’ Front v KS West Green

Headless Chickens v Spartak Mogadishu

FC Testiculadew v This is Sparta…Prague

PSV Mornington v Hairy Fadjeetas

The copy for this article was stolen from…

Kenna cellar soundproofed

THE cellar at Kenna HQ is being soundproofed ‘for footballing reasons’, it was claimed today.

The league chairman was forced to comment after leaked photos emerged of him insulating a confined, windowless crawlspace believed to lie directly underneath the boardroom of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.

Despite the appearance of something more sinister, the chairman was adamant the only motive was to reduce managers’ subscription costs by saving on Kenna HQ energy bills.

The groans having receded after it was pointed out there was already enough hot air in league committee meetings, sceptics were quick condemn the photos as further proof of the Kenna executive’s increasingly hard line measures.

Many believe the Kenna’s manager experiences department, a secretive arm of league apparatus responsible for policing members, is behind the move.

In August 2012, the manager experiences department were believed to be behind the abduction of defender James Collins from his team hotel. The incident led to one manager slamming the Kenna as ‘out of touch blazers’.

Faced with these latest allegations, the chairman maintained the league’s motives were honest.

“I know from the photos it looks like we’re building some sort of Fritzl Suite to help silence dissent from agitators, but that’s simply not the case. As an organisation committed to sustainability we’re simply making our HQ building more energy efficient.

“At the heart of everything we do is making the Kenna the ultimate fantasy, and these renovations are part of that fantasy,” he said over the muffled cries of Titus Bramble.

Cup fixtures announced

The first round of knockout games in the Canesten Combi Cup will take place this weekend.

A total of 16 teams made it out of the group stages in January. They will be drawn in head-to-head ties on tomorrow’s 1750 from Birmingham New Street to Euston.

“It’s the first time the last 16 draw will be made on a moving train, but I must assure managers that we will not be holding back on the traditional glamour associated with the Canesten,” said the chairman, charging up his briefcase with a couple of Jackie Chans.

In the pot

Group A – Judean Peoples’ Front, KS West Green, This is Sparta…Prague, Team Panda Rules OK

Group B – FC Testiculadew, Rapids De Cullons CF, Dynamo Charlton, St Reatham FC

Group C – Headless Chickens, Northern Monkeys, Spartak Mogadishu, Newington Reds

Group D – Hairy Fadjeetas, PSV Mornington, Bala Rinas, Lokomotiv Leeds

Last 16

First leg – Tuesday 5 March

Second leg – Tuesday 18 March

Quarter finals

First leg – Tuesday 25 March

Second leg – Tuesday 1 April

Semi finals

First leg – Tuesday 15 April

Second leg – Tuesday 22 April

Final

Tuesday 13 May

Kenna table

Kenna wk 25 - 26 February 2014 — Kenna wk 25 – 26 February 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	43	3
2	St. Reatham FC	Mike	39	3
3	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	35	2
4	Just put Carles	Carles	35	2
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	34	1
6	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	33	1
7	Newington Reds	Dudley	32	1
8	Young Boys	Denney	28	0
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	27	0
10	Team Panda Rules OK	George	26	2
11	Piedmonte	Phil	26	0
12	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	24	1
13	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	22	2
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	22	1
15	Headless Chickens	John N	21	1
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	20	0
17	Bala Rinas	Lewis	19	0
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	18	0
19	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	15	1
20	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	15	0
21	PSV Mornington	El Pons	14	0
22	KS West Green	Stix	8	0
23	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	5	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Giroud, O – ARS – STR
		Club	Team Panda Rules OK

‘Kenna DVDs’ turn up in phone-hacking trial

Former glories: A Jenna Jameson film is at the centre of a Kenna controversy involving former league winner the Young Boys manager and the phone-hacking trial (photo courtesy of worldstreetphotos.com)

SECRET videos belonging to football clubs in the Kenna League have turned up into the phone-hacking trial at the Old Bailey, it has been claimed.

Amongst the contents of a bag alleged by the prosecution to have been hidden by Rebekah Brooks’s husband the day she was arrested, investigators unearthed several adult DVDs including the title Where the Boys aren’t 17.

The manager of Kenna League club Young Boys of Vauxhall says the film contains through-the-keyhole recordings of his side’s top secret training sessions.

The Welshman claims the illicit content has compromised his team’s competitiveness this season.

Disgruntled supporters’ groups have pointed out the Young Boys manager’s outburst is merely a smokescreen to deflect attention away from the club’s appalling league form and failure to progress from the Canesten Combi Cup group stages this week.

They also claim the film has nothing to do with Young Boys and is actually a romp starring ‘The Queen of Porn’ Jenna Jameson on a plane full of lesbians.

@jeffkennaleague Tell him I want those back!

— Andrew Denney (@andenney) January 21, 2014

The Sporting Lesbian manager, another Canesten Combi Cup group C side eliminated from the tournament, is also said to have mobilised club lawyers after two other lesbian films were found in Charlie Brooks’s bag: Lesbian Psychodrama Volume 2 and Lesbian Psychodrama Volume 3.

Media commentators maintain such a link between the high-profile criminal case and London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league is whimsical at best.

Meanwhile, the PSV Mornington renaissance continued this week under their maverick new manager, a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.

Santi Cazorla scored two goals for PSV to both ensure their progress out of group D of the Canesten Combi Cup and cut the gap on fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu and the aforementioned Young Boys.

Known as Pep ‘Cardiola’ to wags at the club, the caretaker manager was given the job permanently last week after turning around their fortunes in the league and cup.

The former PSV manager was sacked before Christmas for overseeing five of the worst months of performances in Kenna history.

The last 16 draw for the Canesten Combi Cup will take place at the season’s second transfer window two weeks on Friday.

Managers have until noon on Wednesday 5 February to submit their unwanted players to Kenna HQ. Two days later an auction will be held at The Enterprise in Holborn where managers can fill the gaps in their team with available players and the gaps in their stomach by several glasses of premium lager.

Cup group stage results

Cup group stage final standings January 2014

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	46	5
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	43	2
3	Pikey Scum	Jack	40	1
4	Team Panda Rules OK	George	39	2
5	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	37	1
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	36	4
7	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	34	2
8	Headless Chickens	John N	34	1
9	Piedmonte	Phil	32	2
10	KS West Green	Stix	30	2
11	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	29	3
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	2
13	Just put Carles	Carles	24	0
14	St. Reatham FC	Mike	23	0
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	22	2
16	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	22	1
17	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	22	0
18	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	1
19	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	0
20	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	16	1
21	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	13	0
22	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	12	0
23	Young Boys	Denney	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	22	Dzeko, E – MCY – STR
		Club	FC Testiculadew

Dynamo dealt Walcott injury blow

Theo Walcott on holiday — On the beach: Dynamo Charlton’s Theo Walcott looks set to miss the rest of the season and the World Cup (photo courtesy of Oliver Sparrow)

DYNAMO Charlton look set for a third season of trophyless woe after star midfielder Theo Walcott was ruled out with injury for six months.

Walcott scored in the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup group stage before being stretchered off with an ‘anterior cruciate ligament of his left knee’, according to club quacks.

The Dynamo Charlton manager took to Twitter yesterday to vent his frustrations. He can only look forward to next month’s Kenna transfer window to freshen up the side, although his decision to sign Scott Sinclair and Peter Odemwingie in the October window has become the cause of some unrest among fans.

The lone Walcott goal wasn’t enough for Dynamo as they lost by two to in-form St Reatham FC, Gaston Ramirez and Mohamed Diame finding the net.

@jeffkennaleague @abdinw1 That’s my one man team decimated.

— Alex Bass (@alexbass75) January 6, 2014

Seven sides qualified for the knockout stages of the Canesten Combi Cup with a game to go.

Mathematically, every team can still progress in the tournament except Pikey Scum, whose single point saves them from the total ignominy suffered by Bala Rinas 12 months ago.

Outside the club’s Caravan Park training facility, a downcast Pikey Scum manager said yesterday: “One point from four games is shameful. I think the most I can hope for is sneaking a Manager of the Month award and getting reduced entry to the World Cup. I think even that is hopeful.”

Piedmonte, who have to beat PSV Mornington by at least eight goals in the last game to go through, are likely to follow Pikey Scum out of the cup.

It’s been a tough week for the Piedmonte manager. Having topped the table before Christmas, the club slipped to fourth place in the league. Can he stem the decline?

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings

Cup groups - 7 January 2014 — Cup groups – 7 January 2014

Cup fixtures

21-Jan-14	Team Panda Rules OK	v	Dulwich Red Sox
21-Jan-14	Still Don’t Know Yet	v	Judean Peoples Front
21-Jan-14	KS West Green	v	This is Sparta…Prague
21-Jan-14	Just put Carles	v	Dynamo Charlton
21-Jan-14	Pikey Scum	v	Rapids De Cullons CF
21-Jan-14	FC Testiculadew	v	St. Reatham FC
21-Jan-14	Spartak Mogadishu	v	Newington Reds
21-Jan-14	Northern Monkeys	v	Young Boys
21-Jan-14	Headless Chickens	v	Sporting Lesbian
21-Jan-14	PSV Mornington	v	Piedmonte
21-Jan-14	Bala Rinas	v	Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 18 - 7 January 2014 — Kenna week 18 – 7 January 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	58	5
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	55	5
3	Headless Chickens	John N	55	3
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	55	2
5	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	53	3
6	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	52	4
7	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	49	1
8	St. Reatham FC	Mike	47	1
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	45	2
10	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	41	2
11	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	41	2
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	35	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	0
14	Pikey Scum	Jack	33	1
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	0
16	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	30	2
17	KS West Green	Stix	28	1
18	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	2
19	Just put Carles	Carles	27	1
20	FC Testiculadew	James N	26	0
21	Young Boys	Denney	25	0
22	Team Panda Rules OK	George	23	2
23	Piedmonte	Phil	21	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	19	Bony, W – SWA – STR
		Club	Lokomotiv Leeds

The Case of the Missing Eight Games

Goldeneye archives — Explosive: Luis Suarez has earned a place in the archives

DEEP in the bowls of Kenna HQ lies a vast underground record of all the notable, notorious and mediocre football management achievements in the league.

Chronicled for posterity in those dark annals are such guilded histories as FC Testiculadew’s Kenna in the bag season, the time Fat Ladies ended the most dismal of campaigns more than 200 points adrift and perhaps most importantly of all the 2009/10 Judean Peoples’ Front side becoming the most average team ever to compete in the league.

Whispers in the corridors and smoking areas of Kenna HQ maintain that hidden in these depths, amongst dusty artefacts like the March 2007 third transfer window and the mysterious soundproofed door to which only the chairman has the key, is a list of the highest individual weekly scores written in virgin’s blood on a beermat preserved from the first ever auction.

Statisticians are praying this sacred parchment is found soon, as Luis Suarez is believed to have had the best ever seven days in the Kenna.

The Uruguayan’s manager at This is Sparta…Prague is so delighted with the striker’s five goals and four assists he’s had T-shirts made bearing the slogan ‘He’ll miss the first eight games though’.

The jibe is a reference to a popular remark made by Kenna managers at August’s pre-season auction dismissing the player as a poor investment, and which allowed the Sparta manager to cheerfully pick Luis up for just £0.5m.

Suarez’ exploits now see him overtaking £38m KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero as the top performing player in the league. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager can only rue his decision to make Robin van Persie the most expensive Kenna player ever. The glass Dutchman does not warrant his £46m price tag.

Unfortunately for Sparta, the unprecedented individual display of Suarez was only enough to lift them one place in the relegation zone.

At the business end of the league, two goals from Yaya Toure were not enough to stop Headless Chickens relinquishing their nine-week spell at the top of the table to Piedmonte.

Canesten Combi Cup results

Cup results - 10 December 2013 — Canesten Combi Cup results – 10 December 2013

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	69	4
2	KS West Green	Stix	63	4
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	60	4
4	Piedmonte	Phil	60	0
5	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	55	5
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	55	2
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	54	2
8	Team Panda Rules OK	George	50	2
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	47	2
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	42	2
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	41	0
12	St. Reatham FC	Mike	35	2
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	34	0
14	Headless Chickens	John N	32	2
15	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	32	2
16	Just put Carles	Carles	32	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	31	1
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	0
19	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	31	0
20	Young Boys	Denney	31	0
21	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	29	0
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	28	1
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	38	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague

Rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic

Stalin bidding — Red mist: Afterwards the mood changed dramatically when he realised the player he’d just bought was out injured for the rest of the season

IT HAS never been remarked upon that any team won a top-level football league because they ‘transfer windowed well’.

In the brief hiatus between the end of the season in May and the start of the World Cup in June, whoever the winners are will be noted for their long-term strategy, the conviction instilled into the team by the manager and most of all their luck.

They may have signed a useful player in January who immediately gels with his teammates, but that will only be a footnote in the side’s chronicle of success.

The Kenna League takes pride in reflecting this particular nuance of modern football. In every Kenna season to date, the winning manager’s preparations in the summer, his approach to the auction, the core of team purchased therein and good fortune, has decided the campaign.

That’s not to say that transfer windows are obsolete, despite the Pikey Scum manager’s claim today that his Senderos/Jenkinson swap in the last window was like ‘rearranging the deckchairs the Titanic’. To remain competitive Kenna managers must ensure their peripheral players are making appearances – it’s little surprise that three of the bottom four managers didn’t attend the October window.

Transfer windows are as integral to the Kenna League manager as they are to the Premier League manager, but for the most part of the season they must both rely on the finite resources at their disposal.

Which is why other, much less exclusive fantasy football competitions have got it wrong.

If any manager wants to remind himself of the superiority of the Kenna all he needs to do is enter the ‘official’ Fantasy Premier League.

At this point it would easy to list the many faults of this contest, that everyone ends up with pretty much the same players in their team, the ridiculousness of picking a captain and vice captain each week, the folly and oversight of not giving prominence to manager darts entrance music, but the argument will be kept to one strain – transfers.

The season is one long transfer window. The manager is essentially picking his team from one squad of every player in the Premier League. No player is off limits. How does that mirror the game?

Of course, the banner advertising on each page hints at why the FPL wants ‘managers’ to keeping checking back on their selections for the upcoming week. The Kenna suffers from no such obstacle to improving manager experience, as the trifling amount of visits to these pages testify.

But satisfying sponsors at the expense of sophistication is nothing compared to FPL’s single biggest foible.

The crucial period of the FPL manager’s week is time between Friday morning and Saturday lunchtime, between squads being announced for the weekend’s fixtures and the cut off point for making changes to your team.

So why does the chairman kick himself every week five minutes into the Saturday early game on the Kenna HQ kitchen radio? Because for any self-respecting Kenna manager this 36-hour ‘transfer window’ is dedicated to planning, executing and recovering from a Friday evening’s entertainment after the working week.

Almost exactly a third of the way through the season it’s a welcome reminder of why the Kenna was founded, and why the preferred time for the next Kenna transfer window is a Friday night.

It’s also the best way to explain why the chairman is bottom of every FPL league he’s entered.

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings after two match weeks

Week 2 cup standings - 26 November 2013 — Week 2 cup standings – 26 November 2013

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	37	2
2	KS West Green	Stix	37	2
3	Pikey Scum	Jack	31	1
4	Young Boys	Denney	30	2
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	30	1
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	28	3
7	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	28	1
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	26	2
9	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	26	3
10	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	20	1
11	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	20	1
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	19	0
13	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	19	0
14	FC Testiculadew	James N	18	2
15	St. Reatham FC	Mike	17	1
16	Just put Carles	Carles	16	0
17	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
18	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	15	0
19	Piedmonte	Phil	15	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
21	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	13	1
22	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	13	1
23	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lampard, F – CHE – MID
		Club	Dynamo Charlton