Cannestan Combi Cup – Page 4 – The Jeff Kenna League

Kenna team of the season so far

HUGO Lloris may still be struggling to remember his daughter’s name and feeding his cat drawing pins after Sunday’s knock to the head, but the clean sheet means he’s made it into the Kenna team of the season so far.

Unusually for a Frenchman, the FC Testiculadew goalkeeper represents one of the best value for money of the eleven over performers, scoring 45 points for his £500k auction price tag.

Yaya Toure is the most cost-effective purchase with 57 points for his £500k. Alongside Leighton Baines, the Ivorian midfielder is one of two players featuring for league leaders Headless Chickens.

Defenders Dejan Lovren (Team Panda Rules OK) and Winston Reid (Dulwich Red Sox) are the season’s surprise packages, notching up a combined 94 points for £17m.

Like Reid, St Reatham FC‘s Kyle Walker also scored 44 points but missed out on selection due to his larger £17m signing fee.

Sergio Aguero (KS West Green) is so far repaying his manager’s £39m with 73 points. The player of the week is also the league’s top scorer.

Kenna team of the season so far
Points: 551
Value: £170m

Goalkeeper
Hugo Lloris (£0.5m) – FC Testiculadew – 45

Defenders
Dejan Lovren (£8.5m) – Team Panda Rules OK – 50
Leighton Baines (£17m) – Headless Chickens – 49
Jan Vertonghen (£7m) – Northern Monkeys – 45
Winston Reid (£8.5m) – Dulwich Red Sox – 44

Midfielders
Yaya Toure (£0.5m) – Headless Chickens – 57
Samir Nasri (£11m) – Piedmonte – 46
Eden Hazard (£34m) – Hairy Fadjeetas – 42
Oscar (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox – 40

Strikers
Sergio Aguero (£39m) – KS West Green – 73
Olivier Giroud (£20m) – Team Panda Rules OK – 60

Canesten Combi Cup group stage – round one

Cup group stage one - 5 November 2013 — Cup group stage one – 5 November 2013

League table

Wk 10 - 5 November 2013 — Week 10 of 37 – 5 November 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	39	3
2	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	38	1
3	Headless Chickens	John N	36	2
4	KS West Green	Stix	32	1
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	31	1
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	30	2
7	Piedmonte	Phil	30	0
8	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	28	2
9	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	28	1
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	27	0
11	St. Reatham FC	Mike	26	1
12	Just put Carles	Carles	25	1
13	Team Panda Rules OK	George	25	1
14	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	24	0
15	Young Boys	Denney	24	0
16	Newington Reds	Dudley	23	1
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
18	Pikey Scum	Jack	17	0
19	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	0
20	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	15	0
21	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	15	0
22	Bala Rinas	Lewis	14	0
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	10	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	16	Aguero, S – MCY – STR
		Club	KS West Green

Spartak Mog? Mo chance

Mo Farah Arsenal — Slim: Mo Farah has dismissed the chances of rival London Somali immigrant the Spartak Mogadishu manager retaining the cup (photo courtesy of Sean Hinks)

MO FARAH has launched a scathing attack on Spartak Mogadihu’s chances of defending their title in the Kenna cup contest.

The double Olympic gold winning athlete instantly became the second most successful Somali immigrant in London when the Spartak manager lifted the Canesten Combi Cup for the first time in May.

“Yarrrrr! If ye be askin’ me, ye chance o’ that lily-livered scoundrel in ye thrush goblet be shipwrecked. Lallana apart, the rest o’ his side be a shower,” said Farah from next to his gold postbox in Teddington, south west London.

Many pundits have agreed with Farah’s assessment. Even after making changes at the transfer window the Spartak boss has struggled to get the best out of his team, which this week slipped into the relegation zone.

In Northern Monkeys the Somali manager will have an easy enough opening group C stage fixture this weekend, but tougher challenges await, particularly in the form of Headless Chickens, who maintain their place at the top of the Kenna table.

Responding to Farah’s comments outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the Spartak Mogadishu manager said: “Ye addled scurvy dog should be comin’ out from behind ‘is gold postbox an’ sayin’ ‘is words to me fore. I be makin’ ‘ee kiss the gunner’s daughter an’ no mistake! Yarrrrrr!”

The weekend cup action kicks off a schedule of five group games to be played over the next three months (5 November, 26 November, 10 December, 7 January and 21 January).

On each cup weekend Kenna teams will compete head to head to score the most goals, with three points awarded to the winner and one apiece if they draw.

The top four teams from each group will go through to the knockout phase, playing two legs in the last 16 in February, quarter finals in March, semi finals in April and the final taking place on the last day of the league season.

Week off – Piedmonte

League table

Kenna table wk 9 - 29 October 2013 — Kenna table wk 9 – 29 October 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	40	2
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	38	3
3	KS West Green	Stix	38	2
4	Team Panda Rules OK	George	35	1
5	St. Reatham FC	Mike	33	1
6	Headless Chickens	John N	32	0
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	2
8	Newington Reds	Dudley	28	0
9	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	27	2
10	Just put Carles	Carles	27	0
11	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	24	3
12	FC Testiculadew	James N	24	1
13	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	0
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	1
15	Piedmonte	Phil	23	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	23	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
18	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	0
19	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	18	1
20	Young Boys	Denney	16	0
21	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	15	1
22	PSV Mornington	El Pons	15	1
23	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	15	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague

Pirates plunder Catalans 7-1 in cup final

Somali pirate Lego — Helpless: Just Put Carles were no match for Spartak Mogadishu – the Pirates fired all afternoon (photo courtesy of Spontaneous Raptor)

KEVIN Nolan and Romelu Lukaka both scored hat-tricks to propel Spartak Mogadishu to a record 7-1 victory over Just Put Carles in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

The misery began for the Catalan manager of JPC when defender Jonas Ollson put the ball into his own net in the 17th minute.

Spartak Mogadishu striker Kevin Nolan made it 2-0 a few minutes later. JPC held on until half time, but Nolan added another just after the break.

Adam Le Fondre clawed one back for the Catalans, but Lukaku and Nolan went on to pump in another four goals to make it a record Canesten Combi Cup scoreline.

The Spartak Mogadishu manager becomes the first Johnny Foreigner to win silverware in the Kenna. He tweeted this evening that he was ‘here on merit’.

@jeffkennaleague I’ve proven I’m here on merit and all these idiots saying im a job stealing foreigner are wide of the mark etc etc

— abdi (@abdinw1) May 19, 2013

In the wake of the defeat the JPC manager tweeted: “Destroyed Catalan for dinner tonight”. It’s unclear whether he’s referring to the result or he’s entertaining Luis Suarez this evening.

@jeffkennaleague @abdinw1 destroyed catalan for dinner tonight

— Carles Duz Palau (@cduzpalau) May 19, 2013

It’s yet to be seen what effect the final day of the season will have on the Kenna League table, although Spartak Mogadishu were just too far back from third place for their six goals to have any likely say in the race for prize money.

Sporting Lesbian are almost certain to take the league title. A goal from Dimitar Berbatov will most likely have cemented runners up place to defending champions FC Testiculadew.

Judean Peoples’ Front and Piedmonte failed to get a goal between them, so the third place is anyone’s guess.

Full results will be published this week.

Cup final result

Spartak Mogadishu 7 (seven) – 1 Just Put Carles
Ollson (og) Le Fondre
Nolan x3
Lukaku x3

Belgian Benteke books Pirates berth in cup final

Tidy pirate — Treasure chest: The Spartak Mogadishu cheerleading squad are limbering up ahead of the club’s cup final appearance (photo courtesy of Grant Brummett and the Arizona Renaissance Festival)

A CHRISTIAN Benteke hat-trick in 18 minutes secured a cup final place for Spartak Mogadishu.

The Pirates had looked unlikely to beat Canesten Combi Cup holders FC Testiculadew but the Belgian international supplied a last-gasp lifeline. Benteke’s Somali manager was overjoyed.

“Yarrrrr! I be waitin’ many o’ year to get me mitts on some booty, and I don’t mean western tourists wit’ rope burn on tharr wrists, for I be gettin’ plenty o’ that!” said the Spartak Mogadishu boss banging his fist on the table to the raucous cheers of his management team, before ordering a petrified and dehydrated hostage to ‘blow the man down’.

Just Put Carles will be the other side contesting the 19 May final after their Catalan manager progressed with a rare Jordan Henderson brace in the second leg against Still Don’t Know Yet.

Continuing the bitter rivalry with the Kenna League’s other Catalan manager, the JPC boss said: *”PSV Mornington són els fills bastards de cabrers il · legítims, i aquesta victòria és un testimoni de la nostra superioritat sobre aquesta escòria que ni tan sols estan en condicions de menjar xoriço a la taula dels Castillianos.”

Commentators are citing the final between foreign managers as further evidence of the decline of managerial talent in England.

Failure to defend the Canesten Combi trophy will come as a double blow to the FC Testiculadew manager, as his chances of retaining the league title ebbed away even more with three weeks to go.

Emperor Ming — Defiant in defeat: The FC Testiculadew manager

The FCT manager said: “Fools! Every thousand years, I test each life system in the universe. I visit it with mysteries, earthquakes, unpredicted eclipses, strange craters in the wilderness, irregular bidding practices at fantasy football auctions… If these are taken as natural, I judge that system ignorant and harmless – I spare it.

“But if the Hand of tactical Brambling is recognized in these events, I judge that system dangerous to us. I call upon the great god Titus, and for his greater glory, and for our mutual pleasure, I destroy it utterly!”

Many neutrals will lament the semi final exit of Still Don’t Know Yet. On his Kenna debut their manager was enjoying a fairy tale cup run against a background of indifferent league form and some harsh treatment from the league’s Manager Experiences Department early in the season.

Cup results

Just Put Carles 2 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet (4-2)
Henderson x2 RVP

FC Testiculadew 2 – 4 Spartak Mogadishu (2-4)
Y Toure, Pienaar Lukaku, Benteke x3

*”PSV Mornington are the bastard sons of illegitimate goatherds, and this victory is testament to our superiority over those scum who are not even fit to eat chorizo at the table of the Castillianos.”

League table

Week 34 - 30 April 2013 — Week 34 – 30 April 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	50	4
2	Just put Carles	Carles	43	2
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	37	4
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	32	2
5	Piedmonte	Phil	28	1
6	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	2
7	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	25	0
8	Woking	Mike	25	0
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	1
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	0
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	2
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	20	1
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	20	1
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	1
15	Headless Chickens	John N	19	0
16	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	19	0
17	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	13	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	8	0
20	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Benteke, C – AVL – STR
		Club	Spartak Mogadishu

No Sporting chance

Two girls with slime — Sporting Lesbians: It got messy (Photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CHANCES of a debut manager winning the Kenna league and cup double for the second season in a row came to an end today.

Sporting Lesbian, who have dominated this season’s league campaign since before anyone can remember, were found to have been dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals after a goal recount.

The Lesbians were initially thought to have progressed to the semi finals last week at the expense of Just Put Carles. It emerged that goals from JPC’s Mikel Arteta and Jordan Henderson were overlooked.

The administrative error led to fierce criticism of the Chairman who is alleged to have been dicking around in the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw instead of attending to league matters. He has denied everything.

The recount sees Just Put Carles, who have been resurgent in league form of late, pitted against Still Don’t Know Yet, who haven’t.

In the other semi final Spartak Mogadishu will face cup holders FC Testiculadew.

Known across the Kenna as ‘the tactical Brambler‘ for his underhand gamesmanship, the FCT manager is also looking to defend his league crown, but faces an uphill struggle as he attempts to claw back a 72-point lead from Sporting Lesbian in just six weeks.

For Spartak Mogadishu the cup holds the only chance left of picking up any prize money this season. The Pirates had challenged for third spot but – like Hairy Fadjeetas, Northern Monkeys and Newington Reds before them – their league campaign appears to have run out of steam.

At the bottom, Headless Chickens are just about keeping their, uh, necks above the waterline of the relegation zone.

Vasco De Beauvoir and Wandsworth Window Lickers are fast running out of time to mount a late charge for safety. The writing’s been on the wall a long time for Woking.

The cup semi final first leg will be held this weekend.

Another event being held this weekend is the Greenwich to Tower Bridge pub crawl. The bit of walking, 11 pubs and short boat trip is a follow up to the incredibly successful pub crawl of the number 38 London bus route in autumn. For more information contact the league.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final recount

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 3 (4) Just Put Carles
Michu Silva, Henderson, Arteta

League table

Week 31 - 9 April 2013 — Week 31 – 9 April 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	39	3
2	Just put Carles	Carles	34	1
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	2
4	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	31	1
5	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	27	2
6	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	1
7	Piedmonte	Phil	26	1
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	2
9	Woking	Mike	23	0
10	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	1
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	20	1
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	20	0
13	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	20	0
14	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	0
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	17	1
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
17	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	12	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	10	0
20	Greendale Rockets	Stu	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	11	Rosicky, T – ARS – MID
		Club	Unsigned

League incompetence exposed

Spot the Luger: The Chairman claims he was never in the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw

THE KENNA League has been accused of taking a ‘back of a fag packet’ approach in the wake of a cup results controversy.

On Tuesday Kenna HQ published aggregate scores of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals which were immediately called into question.

Sporting Lesbian were initially believed to have beaten Just Put Carles after their match at The Gash. It now appears that result was wrong and JPC will progress.

The Spartak Mogadishu manager also claims that his team had no chance of beating Northern Monkeys. Both goal counts are to be reviewed.

The league has come under severe criticism surrounding the matter, with the Chairman’s official visit to Poland pinpointed as the reason for the oversight.

Rumours abound that instead of attending to Kenna business the Chairman was making ‘guess where I am’ phone calls to his mates from the duty office of the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw.

“You can shine a desk lamp in my face and kick me in the knackers with a jackboot, but I’ll keep telling you the same story: what with eating a strange mixture of cabbage and pickled herring at mealtimes, and drinking myriad shots, I’ve had my hands full,” said the Chairman, who isn’t any less of a man for discovering a taste for quince vodka.

“You must appreciate that I’ve had no access to Microsoft Excel for a week, something the Headless Chickens manager will understand, and when I return to Kenna HQ all will be resolved.

“Right now I’ve got three more days of Poles giggling as I attempt to communicate with them in their native tongue.”

Nearly tripped by a Bramble

TITUS BRAMBLE lived up to his Kenna reputation by scoring an own goal, but it wasn’t enough to stop his team from progressing to the semi finals of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Spartak Mogadishu took a first-leg lead home to win a close-fought battle with Northern Monkeys in the Somali capital on aggregate.

“Yarrrrr! That yellow-bellied scoundrel Bramble will be feelin’ the tip o’ me cutlass in training this week,” said the Pirates boss suggestively of his haphazard defender.

A draw in Mogadishu was a good result for Northern Monkeys, particularly given security fears that Islamic extremists Al Shabaab may target the fixture.

The Northern Monkeys manager said: “We covercame home-grown terrorists, a crumbling infrastructure, high unemployment and a lack of decent plumbing to make it this far in life only to be undone by an unlucky first leg.”

Spartak will face FC Testiculadew in the semis after, as predicted on these very pages last week, Dimitar Berbatov and Loic Remy helped poach a win from a two-goal deficit.

In the other semi, Still Don’t Know Yet trounced Vasco De Beauvoir to set up a tie with the untouchable Sporting Lesbian.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager said: “When a van load of heavvies in balaclavas kidnapped James Collins from the team hotel in August I vowed revenge on the league, and to knock the Chairman’s team out of the cup is sweet revenge.”

Asked by media to respond to this claim at a press conference, the Chairman fumed: “Why can’t you vultures just leave these allegations alone? I will only talk about football.

“There is no hard evidence linking me to the Collins affair, far-right political groups in Italy or the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.”

Still Don’t Know Yet 2 (3) – 0 (1) Vasco De Beauvoir
Kone, Gerrard

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 1 (2) Just Put Carles
Michu Silva

Spartak Mogadishu 2 (4) – 2 (3) Northern Monkeys
Taraabt, Benteke Bramble og, Cazorla

FC Testiculadew 3 (4) – 1 (4) Dynamo Charlton – FCT win 32-23 on second-leg points
Berbatov x2, Remy Tevez

Semi finals

Still Don’t Know Yet v Sporting Lesbian

Spartak Mogadishu v FC Testiculadew

League table and weekly scores are available by downloading The Rub from the link on the right-hand side of this page.

Cup preview: Second eggs poised for drama

Protection: Northern Monkeys will have a bodyguard for their away trip to Spartak Mogadishu (photo courtesy of Jessica Hatcher)

EIGHT managers will be eating their eggs with a little more anxiety than usual this Easter weekend as their teams head out in the final leg of the cup quarter finals.

As Sporting Lesbian run away with the league, the Canesten Combi Cup increasingly represents the only chance to get some silverware this season.

Who will progress? Who will end up with egg on their face? For each tie the Kenna makes predictions weaker than the puns in this post.

Still Don’t Know Yet (1) v Vasco De Beauvoir (1)
Venue: Not Sure Avenue

A vital, first-leg away goal for Still Don’t Know Yet will make this a tough trip for Vasco, and the relegation strugglers from De Beauvoir will hope Robin van Persie’s goal drought continues.

Progression over the Chairman’s team would be a double victory for the SDNY manager, who holds the league accountable for an untoward nocturnal incident back in the August.

Prediction: Tie boiled down to points scored on second leg.

Sporting Lesbian (2) v Just Put Carles (1)
Venue: The Gash

The league leaders are in assured form carrying two away goals into the second leg, and are the bookies’ favourites to take this all the way having scored 15 more goals than any other club this season.

JPC’s Le Fondre, Maloney, Henderson, Osman and Silva are less likely to find the net.

Prediction: Plenty of mouth-watering action with Lesbians coming on top.

Spartak Mogadishu (2) v Northern Monkeys (1)
Venue: RPG Ground

One of the toughest away trips in the calendar. Northern Monkeys will have to overcome a lead, away goals and Al Shabaab pot shots from nearby rooftops.

The good news is that Monkeys striker Edin Dzeko has good experience in this field, having grown up in 90s Sarajevo.

Prediction: Monkeys fail to scramble it in the Horn of Africa.

FC Testiculadew (1) v Dynamo Charlton (3)
Venue: Scrot Rot Street

Cup holders Testiculadew have their work cut out to overturn this tie, but Dynamo only just scraped through the last 16 and can sometimes rely a little too heavily on Carlos Tevez.

Prediction: Remy and Berbatov poach it for the tactial Brambler.

Le comptrolleur dit ‘non’ á Le Jeff

Pussy's nightclub — Bright lights: Despite the charms of Paris Kenna suits remain unconvinced by the French

FRANCE have been refused rights to a Kenna franchise after delegates deemed Paris ‘just not suitable’.

A Gallic consortium hoping to bring the world’s best format of fantasy football to the Continent were told their country wouldn’t be ready for at least a few years.

Speaking to L’Equipe after a quick crêpe on the Champs-Élysées, Kenna suits explained their decision to snub ‘Le Jeff’.

“I paid a king’s ransom to wander round some dimly-lit rooms staring at young women in the buff, but when in Paris one must visit the Louvre,” quipped the Chairman, once he’d scrubbed every trace of the stamp for Pussy’s nightclub from his wrist.

“Joking aside, these cheese eating surrender monkeys now have a good standard of football in Ligue Uhhhne, and we’ve long since forgiven their poor taste in stonewashed jeans and floppy mullets, but the truth is the conditions we’ve seen in Paris are just not suitable.

“I went to a pub where they were showing football and ordered a beer. Not only was I served the shabbiest pint since records began, but the waitress kept a straight face while charging me 11 Euros. 11 Euros! Am I supposed to be paying Zlatan’s wages?

“The slow table service and expensive lager means this city cannot, I repeat cannot, be trusted to allow 20 managers to bid for their teams at auction.”

The news comes as a big blow to the French capital after they lost out to London on their bid to host the 2012 Games.

Le Kenna: French forms of common league phrases

La Folie Anglaise – 4-4-2, the prescriptive formation of all Kenna League teams.

Hôtel de Jeff – Kenna HQ, where the organs of league business are based.

Le nuit des boissons vigoureux – auction night, the pre-season event in August where 20 managers buy their teams. Held in the pub.

Le chef du chaos – the auctioneer, who sells players at the pre-season event.

La Coupe de la Chatte Mal – the Canesten Combi Cup, knock-out tournament run during the season.

Hors de combat – injured, commonly murmured by competitors to undermine a manager’s confidence in the player he’s just bought.

Manger le Bramble – to fall foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and be awarded a bogey player.

Le Bramble stratégique – tactical Brambling, the pernicious act of deliberately trying to trigger a Titus Bramble forfeit to gain a financial advantage late in the auction.

Le Maillot Merde – the Bramble jersey, worn by the last-placed manager at auction and transfer nights.

La fenêtre de chance – transfer window, event held twice a season where players can be bought and sold.

L’Absenteé – the Still Don’t Know Yet goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, who absconded from the Cameroon Olympic women’s football team during London 2012 and hasn’t been seen since. The name can also refer to Still Don’t Know Yet defender Anton Ferdinand.

Le Corsaire d’Afrique – the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

Le Comte de Fléchettes – the Newington Reds manager, who bears a remarkable resemblance to professional darts player Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey.

Le Provocateur Malveillent – the FC Testiculadew manager, who founded the sharp practice of tactical Brambling.

Le tumulte Catalan – the bitter incident between rival Catalans the PSV Mornington and Just Put Carles managers, resulting in an ongoing grudge match.

Le Chevalier sans Charme – the former Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Vasco De Beauvoir 1 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet
Ramires Gerrard

Just Put Carles 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Silva Figueroa, Suarez

Northern Monkeys 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu
Cisse Benteke, Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 3 – 1 FC Testiculadew
Tevez x3 Remy

League table

Week 28 - 12 March 2013 — Week 28 – 12 March 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	41	3
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	4
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	30	2
4	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	1
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	25	1
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	1
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	24	1
8	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	1
9	Just put Carles	Carles	21	1
10	PSV Mornington	El Pons	20	1
11	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	1
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	0
13	Piedmonte	Phil	15	0
14	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	14	2
15	Headless Chickens	John N	14	1
16	Woking	Mike	14	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	13	1
19	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	23	Tevez, C – MCY – STR
		Club	Dynamo Charlton

Public enemy hole in one

Ombersley golf club — 19th hole: The Chairman and former Dan Terry Seduction manager enjoy a well-earned drink

NOT MANY can endure the constant pressure of top level football management for long, and the Kenna League is no exception.

For every Sir Alex Ferguson, Jose Mourinho and Vasco De Beauvoir manager there are countless others who have passed on from the game to other arenas in which their skills are more suited.

One such example is the former Dan Terry Seduction manager, who readers of these pages will last recall steering the club to relegation in 2012 after a disastrous campaign in which he failed to woo players, the board or even a young journalist.

But whereas reports of his failed effort to slip a roofy to a girl from the local newspaper stretched credulity, the former DTS manager’s present crusade of villainy at a pay-and-play golf club in middle England is more than plausible.

“All the members act like it’s some exclusive club but they miss one point: they’re all sh1t at golf,” he explained during a round with the Kenna chairman on Monday, confirming common knowledge that most amateur golf club members’ enthusiasm for dress code and etiquette far outweigh their prowess on the course.

Retiring from the Kenna last summer, the former DTS boss relocated to Worcestershire to immediately begin his full-time campaign of terror midway through a competitive round.

With one parent on the committee and the other a popular member, particularly in the bar, the ex-Kenna man managed to wipe out his own respectability in one swoop by driving the ball over the heads of the group in front. A fourball that included the club pro.

As the angry scratch golfer marched 250 yards back up the fairway to deliver a furious, expletive-filled tirade, the former DTS boss heeded advice and kept his counsel. But far from being chastened by the experience, the out-of-work manager responded the only way he knew how: by taking the incident as an invitation to start leaving his car in the club pro’s reserved parking space.

“As part of my membership I get a free hour lesson with the club pro, but neither of us wants me to take that one up!” joked the former DTS manager as he produced a scrunched up voucher for a free 18-hole round.

His notoriety secured, the former Seduction boss turned his singular charm to that most sacred of clubhouse property – the notice board.

Eager to get some more competitions under his belt, weather permitting, he signed up for a contest on one condition. An asterix next to his scribbled name directed administrators to the bottom of the sheet to find: ‘*unless it’s snowing in which case I’ll stay in bed’.

Accosted by a senior lady member laster the day, the fairweather golfer was told that under no circumstances was he to deface club property in such a fashion. To the cheeky wag this was yet another chink in their armour.

Fans of 90s Canadian comedy TV show The Kids in the Hall will remember a sketch in which a balaclava-clad athlete with a catchy alias promises only to reveal his true identity once he climbs, ultimately unsuccessfully, to the top of a leisure centre squash ladder.

Taking inspiration from the show, but betrayed by his membership number, the former DTS boss received a curt phone call from a club apparatchik the day after signing up for the next competition and informed that it was not considered club etiquette to call himself ‘The Eradicator’.

So what’s next for the ex-Kenna man?

“I’ve thrown a couple of rounds with the old man to get my handicap up, so in the next Stableford contest I’ll romp home with 70 points. Who cares? It’s not exactly the Belfry,” he said.

Last 16 cup results (aggregate)

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens

Still Don’t Know Yet 3 – 1 Piedmonte

PSV Mornington 0 – 2 Just Put Carles

Woking 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys

Hairy Fadjeetas 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu

Dynamo Charlton 1 – 1 Pikey Scum (Dynamo go through on most points scored in second leg)

FC Testiculadew 2 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds

League table

Week 26 - 26 February 2013 — Week 26 – 26 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	35	3
2	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	35	2
3	Piedmonte	Phil	34	2
4	Just put Carles	Carles	33	1
5	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	32	1
6	FC Testicluadew	James N	29	2
7	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	28	0
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	26	2
9	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	26	1
10	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	1
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	23	1
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	22	2
13	Woking	Mike	22	1
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	2
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	17	0
16	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	13	0
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	9	0
20	Headless Chickens	John N	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	14	Figueroa, M – WIG – DEF
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Canesten Combi Cup group stage – round one

League table

Weekly scores

Group A

Group B

Group C

Group D

League table

Weekly scores

Cup final result

Cup results

League table

Weekly scores

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final recount

League table

Weekly scores

Semi finals

Le Kenna: French forms of common league phrases

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

League table

Weekly scores

Last 16 cup results (aggregate)

League table