Cannestan Combi Cup – Page 6 – The Jeff Kenna League

Load-blowing semis

Tissues — No one envied the Camp Nou commentary box cleaners that night

TWO semi final second legs enthralled Europe with nail-biting drama this week as the Cannestan Combi Cup reached towards climax.

As Gary Neville struggled to explain the mess in the press section, FC Testiculadew celebrated progression to the mother of all sibling rivalries in the May final.

Oppenents PSV Mornington offered little resistance, the gaffer’s advocation of ‘The Barcelona Way’ nullified by signings Andy Carroll and Jermaine Defoe. A mid-table finish awaits.

FCT will face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, whose comprehensive second-leg turnaround left Hairy Fadjeetas to fully concentrate on their relegation battle.

“We just kept pumping it into their box and in the end gave them a right going over,” said the Chickens manager, pulling a stray whisker from his teeth.

Cup semi final second leg results

FC Testiculadew 40 (94) – ~~26 (62) PSV Mornington~~

Headless Chickens 36 (64) – ~~12 (48) Hairy Fadjeetas~~

The final will be held between FC Testiculadew and Headless Chickens on Sunday 13 May.

Download the full scores, tables and much more from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of the page.

A Tale of Two Cissés

Charles Dickens — "It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations."

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the £500k of wisdom, it was the £13m of foolishness.

It was the of 10 goals and assist of belief, it was the two goals and red card of incredulity.

It was the 76 points of Light, it was the 15 points of Darkness.

It was the spring of Spartak Mogadishu, it was the winter of Pikey Scum.

We had a league renaissance before us, we had a quarter-final cup exit behind us.

We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

In short, the period showed that Papiss had so utterly outclassed Dijbrial since their January arrival in the Kenna, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted, for good or for evil, the name Cissé was in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Cup semi final first leg results

FC Testiculadew 54 – 36 PSV Mornington

Headless Chickens 28 – 34 Hairy Fadjeetas

Pirates frogmarch up the table

Rug whack — Rugs whacked: Hairy Fadjeetas moved both out of the relegation zone and into the cup semis

PAPISS Demba Cisse notched two goals as his team swaggered into the top half of the table.

Gareth Bale and Matt Jarvis added two more, while Sylvan Distin picked up two clean sheets in a bumper week for Spartak Mogadishu.

“Blistering barnacles!” said the Spartak boss, as balaclava-clad men carrying MP5s abseiled through his cabin windows and cable-tied his hands behind his back. “All this for a bunch of flip flops.”

Cup quarters results

A Mitchell brothers final is shaping up in the Cannestan Combi Cup as FC Testiculadew and Headless Chickens cruised through their respective quarters.

Chickens will have to navigate their way past an unlikely Hairy Fadjeetas in the semis. The Fadges also clawed their way out of the relegation zone this week.

Kenna reigning champions Young Boys have now been knocked out of the cup and are struggling in the title race.

PSV Mornington will be hoping to make something of their season by overcoming FCT.

~~Newington Reds 31 (55)~~ – 41 (76) FC Testiculadew

~~Young Boys 40 (62)~~ – 34 (67) PSV Mornington

~~Pikey Scum 19 (35)~~ – 30 (79) Headless Chickens

~~Dynamo Charlton 30 (43)~~ – 28 (50) Hairy Fadjeetas

Semi final games

Wednesday 11 April – leg one

FC Testiculadew v PSV Mornington
Headless Chickens v Hairy Fadjeetas

Wednesday 25 April – leg two

PSV Mornington v FC Testiculadew
Hairy Fadjeetas v Headless Chickens

Torres comes prematurely for Fadjeetas cup hopes

Christianity — Touched: Religion has played a key role for Torres

FERNANDO Torres finally had his prayers answered but his exalted performance may have come a week too early.

Two goals, two assists and a first player-of-the-week award from the £27.5m Spaniard put Hairy Fadjeetas top of this week’s scoring charts.

A goal, assist and clean sheet from Jonny Evans and a goal and assist from Stewart Downing completed the rout.

“Typical, my team’s best showing all season comes a week early. I just hope Fernando’s form remains,” said the Fadges boss ahead of his side’s crunch quarter-final second leg against Dynamo Charlton.

Nine points separate the teams after the first leg.

Only one of the quarter-final ties looks like a foregone conclusion after Pikey Scum’s first leg demolition 49 – 16 by Headless Chickens.

Due to technical issues at Kenna HQ the latest table is only available by downloading the spreadsheet in the ‘details’ box.

Release Bryan!

Life of Brian — Impediment: Ruiz and Torres are struggling up front

BRYAN Ruiz yet again failed to make an impact for Hairy Fadjeetas, but it didn’t stop his new club snatching the initiative in the first leg of the cup quarter finals.

Despite showing sparks of promise, the Costan Rican has failed to convince the mob.

The unfancied Fadges had to rely on a Matthew Etherington goal and a Stewart Downing assist to give them the edge over a dismal Dynamo Charlton.

“We just need to get the ball to Bryan in attacking positions,” said the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, forgetting that he’s been trying that with Fernando Torres since August.

Widely regarded as stragglers in the league, where they lie just 15 points from the bottom, Fadjeetas have been tearing up the form book in the cup.

Should they progress to the semis they’ll likely face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, who thumped a flimsy Pikey Scum.

Facile boast

In the other half of the draw, the Young Boys manager is preparing to eat his ‘Easy! Easy!’ tweets after losing first-leg ground to PSV Mornington.

Outstanding performances from Alex Song, Danny Murphy and Jermaine Defoe meant the Catalan boss was savouring his turrón and ratafia cocktail come Sunday night.

“Métetelo por el culo,” he said, when asked about Andy Carroll’s form.

A tough semi final against FC Testiculadew or Newington Reds awaits.

Young Boys confident of getting semis

Road to the final — Cannestan Combi Cup - The Road to the Final

A belligerent Young Boys manager claimed his side were guaranteed a place in the semi finals after being drawn to league strugglers PSV Mornington.

“Easy! Easy!” chanted the YB boss after Friday’s draw was made on Twitter.

“My Young Boys don’t have much experience of semis, but they train hard, so I’m quietly confident,” he crowed on the social media platform.

Should they progress, YB face the tough prospect of either league leaders FC Testiculadew or third-placed Newington Reds.

In the other side of the knockout stages, Dynamo Charlton will play Hairy Fadjeetas in what commentators are dubbing ‘The Ambulance News Derby’.

“This is a real grudge match for my beautiful fadges,” said the Fadjeetas boss, stroking Fernando Torres hair as the Spaniard wept into his lap.

The winners will face either in-form Pikey Scum or Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens.

Quarter final dates

Leg one – Wednesday 7 March

Leg two – Wednesday 28 March

Fadjeetas: ‘We need Canesten Combi’

Like Paul Daniels’ circular saw, the Canesten Combi Cup group stages almost ended the magic.

Seven of the eight teams to qualify for the quarter finals are in riding high in the top half of the league.

It was left to Hairy Fadjeetas to tear up the form book and represent the bottom half.

Despite losing their final group game to Vasco De Beauvoir, Fadjeetas edged through by a whisker on goal difference.

The Bikini Lane faithful will be glued to their radios live for next Friday night’s transfer window, when their side will be drawn in the knock-out stages.

The team have struggled this term with Andrey Asharvin and Fernando Torres performances leaving them in danger of going down.

“With our lacklustre efforts in the league and our marquee signings failing to make an impact, we need the Canesten Combi,” said the Fadjeetas boss to his local pharmacist.

“The other seven teams are all strong and we’ll have some pretty stiff competition to deal with, but I can tell them that now we’ll take some licking if they want to get through.”

Cup results - 24 January — Cup results – 24 January

Cannestan Combinations

Groups after four rounds — Only five teams know their cup destiny

Two teams qualified to the knockout stages of the Cannestan Combi Cup with a game to spare.

Dynamo Charlton and Headless Chickens progressed from their respective groups this week after winning all three of their opening fixtures.

Just Put Carles, Thieving Magpies and Spartak Mogadishu have all been eliminated. The latter two without scoring a single group-stage point.

The last group game results will be published in a fortnight. Here are the permutations:

Group A

Vasco De Beauvoir rely on the small miracle of beating Hairy Fadjeetas by 15 points and hoping Lokomotiv Leeds lose to a strongly-placed Young Boys of Kilburn.

Group B

Bala Rinas or Polonia Forsyth can go through, but only if one of them wins by a country mile and Newington Reds lose by one to Headless Chickens.

Group C

Having played all their games, Superfuzz will be hoping PSV Mornington lose to Dynamo Charlton. The Dan Terry Seduction need to slay Spartak Mogadishu to have any chance.

Group D

Judean Peoples’ Front need a Herculean effort against Lurliners and in-form FC Testiculadew to be taken to task by Pikey Scum.

Rules clarification

If two teams finish the group stage on equal cup points and points difference, then whoever won the game between those two teams will go through. If that game was a draw, then the team with the most points ‘For’ will be deemed to be ahead.

If two teams finish with the same cup points, points difference, ‘For’ points and they drew their fixture, a tie break at the transfer night will decide the winner.

How fast can you neck a pint?

The Cup of No Hope

The lower echelons of the table have never been a bad place to be, so long as there’s the good chance to get on a bit of cup run.

Sadly, this is not the case for any managers in this season’s Kenna, where two of teams in the relegation zone have also scored nil points in the Cannestan Combi Cup.

Heads may be nearing the block at Thieving Magpies and Spartak Mogadishu.

Lazy cup results

A Kenna board member announces the new TV deal — "We'll see you on Thursday, Channel 5"

Kenna HQ announced this week that they’ve sold the Cannestan Combi Cup TV rights to Channel 5.

A glamorous unveiling of the new deal, worth £50 and a 1995 Panini sticker of John Solako playing for Crystal Palace, was made in an exclusive central London venue.

The Chairman said: “Being positive about equal rights, we made sure there was a BME guy on stage when we announced the deal. It’s also good for business in the subcontinent.

“We tried to get John Barnes, but he was booked raising awareness for some cause or other.”

Kenna critics have pointed out that the cup is nothing more than a moneyspinner for the administration, and claim that the publication of last week’s table today shows a lack of committment to the competition.

A press release from Kenna HQ said: “The Chairman’s been so busy flying to Ukraine for the Euro 2012 draw that there simply hasn’t been time to post the results.

“The good news, however, is that the Chairman has successfully met with the president of the Polish FA in Kiev to get some advice on securing new premisis for Kenna HQ.

“In the cup last week some stuff happened. We’re pretty sure no one reads this far down anyway, and there are loads of group games left too, so who cares at this stage?”

Cup groups after game two - 29 November 2011 — Cup groups after two rounds

cup second round