Exclusive! – Page 2 – The Jeff Kenna League

League admits Fabio ‘balls up’

A MASSIVE COCK up has forced Kenna HQ to accept responsibility over defender Fabio playing for two teams at the same time last weekend.

The Brazilian lost both Lokomotiv Leeds and PSV Mornington three points each, as five goals went past him at the Liberty Stadium.

A controversial procedure for resolving the matter will now ensue. On the back of last week’s James Collins fiasco, Kenna HQ’s ability to run a well-governed league has been called into question.

“What can I say? There’s been a balls up,” shrugged the Chairman, scrolling through his phone contacts for the Charts and Graphs department.

Under precedent, Fabio would remain at PSV as the club paid a higher fee (£5m, compared to Lokomotiv’s £0.5m).

Lokomotiv would be awarded the next available defender going down the player list. The next four of which are mostly of respectable quality: Chris Smalling, Per Mertesacker, Steven Caulker and Aleksander Kolorov.

The Chairman said: “However, Lokomotiv already has players from Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs and City. Therefore, Lokomotiv’s new defender should be Wigan’s Gary Caldwell. Fabio’s score [-3] will be wiped and replaced with Caldwell’s [0].

“There is an appeal process, which is handled by the Manager Experiences department. We are yet to hear from either manager involved.”

Kenna ‘probably wanted’ to be in bag

Old bag — Bag: Experts say the Kenna would have been forced in by a third party

THE CHAMPIONSHIP title may have wanted to padlock itself into a bag because current managers are so inept, it emerged today at the Kenna-in-the-bag inquiry.

The panel heard chilling evidence from the 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup, which attempted to padlock itself into a bag in the aftermath of the controversial tournament.

“The group stages went well, but then the newspaper stopped printing the scores. The administration tried to deal with it by waiting until after the final and getting all the player totals from some random Yank sports website. I felt completely devalued. It was an utter clusterf*ck,” said the Caniggia after the inquiry had watched video evidence of the tournament trying to lock itself in a holdall in 2007.

The panel heard that the Kenna title could have resorted similar actions.

“The mediocre managers in the league today? Their naive auction tactics? I wouldn’t be surprised if this season’s championship had wanted to be in the bag,” stated the Caniggia, fighting back the tears.

Experts maintain that it’s unlikely the Kenna could have got into the bag itself, and that it must have been forced in by a third party.

The inquiry continues.

Kenna-in-the-bag inquiry launched

CLINT Dempsey, Wayne Rooney and Wojciech Szczesny are all set to be called as star witnesses in an official Kenna investigation.

The FC Testiculadew players will give evidence after it emerged that their manager has had the Kenna championship padlocked in a bag in his bathroom since January.

The FCT manager will also be called to answer allegations of using ‘dark arts’ to steer his team to league victory in his debut Kenna season.

“I’ve absolutely nothing to fear from these allegations. I think it’s just handbags from the league administration. They’re trying to get me the sack because I’ve been so successful,” said the FCT boss, who’s yet to explain the £20,000 of women’s clothes found in his flat and his decision to buy Shaun Wright-Phillips for £8m.

Kenna HQ are due to call Bosnian striker Edin Dzeko, even though his form has done the biggest disappearing act since the Sky News IT department deleted the canoe man’s emails.

“We will be conducting a full, fair and fearless inquiry into this highly controversial issue. This is no open-and-shut case,” said the Chairman.

Hippo — Gaping: the gap between FCT and the pack is over 100 points

PSV boss rues ‘mean’ Clásico

Catalan flag donkey — Donkey punch: Barcelona suffered title hopes blow

JOSE Mourinho is facing fierce criticism over his tactics in Real Madrid’s victory over Barcelona last night.

The Portuguese is sure to be unsettled by comments made in the wake of the away win by the PSV Mornington manager.

The Catalan put aside recent hostilities with his fellow countryman and gave a resigned press conference at the club’s Crescent stadium

“Yesterday evening it happened that Real Madrid played with 11 players behind the ball – something that should not honour a team with nine European cups – and were lucky enough to get two goals from three shots on target.

“I know, Barcelona did not have that many yesterday, but they had the ball just in front of their [Real Madrid’s] box for 80 per cent of the match, so normally this would mean a Barcelona win,” said the Catalan with a comical look on his face after Total Football’s insides had been kicked out for the second time in four days.

“Anyway, this happens in football, they have played us this way, very mean, for the last 10 matches and just got one win yesterday, one win in the extra time and eight losses – including 2-6, 5-0 and 1-3.”

Usually confident ahead of such fixtures, the PSV boss will endure a nailbiting 48 hours ahead of Barcelona’s ill-fated Champions League second leg with Chelsea.

Hennessey injury hits Fadjeetas

FADJEETAS goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey has been ruled out for the rest of the season after scans revealed he had suffered a torn cruciate ligament.

The Bikini Lane No.1 sustained the knee injury during the weekend’s match and was sent for an MRI examination which confirmed the club’s worst fears.

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager is already staring a relegation battle in the face as his side currently sits just above safety with only four games remaining and with a significantly inferior goal difference.

And they must now face their remaining fixtures without the Wales international shot-stopper, who had racked up 47 points, starting every game this season.

With the 25-year-old sidelined, Hairy Fadjeetas will finish the campaign with 10 men, placing more pressure on stuttering striker Fernando Torres and Bryan Ruiz, who has failed to make an impact since being signed in January.

Hennessey now faces a lengthy road back to full fitness over the next three or four months and faces a battle to be fit for the start of next season.

El Gran Cat-fight

Just Put Carles sink below PSV for first time
War of words erupts between Catalan managers

Donkey derby: the battle for 12th refuses to be a peaceful one

HOSTILITIES have been declared between the Kenna’s Barcelona contingent.

The knives were out in ‘La Liga Latina’ after early-season front runners Just Put Carles dipped to thirteenth in the table, one place below fierce Catalan rivals PSV Mornington.

Comments made by the JPC manager at a post-match interview on Wednesday evening ignited the row.

“N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires!” fumed the JPC boss, in a language only a handful of people understand, when asked what it was like to be below PSV for the first time in the season.

Yesterday morning’s front cover of Sport, Catalonia’s best-selling sports daily, featured a cartoon depicting the PSV boss trying to lure passers by into an empty stadium.

“Tallo el bacallà!”

The PSV manager’s response was unequivocal. Interviewed through the window of his Continental city car arriving at work yesterday he said: “Sabràs dos i dos quants fan. Està tocat del bolet. Tallo el bacallà!”

By Thursday lunchtime, the quote was all over the news. Photoshopped pictures of the JPC boss eating cod and mushrooms went viral.

“Ets un somiatruites i un tap de bassa!,” said the JPC manager emerging from his afternoon siesta when quizzed by reporters about his rival Catalan’s comments.

Mexican stand-off

Late Thursday evening, the PSV boss was forced to abandon his customary, midnight, family paella to address the rabble of hacks assembled outside his house.

“No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna,” is all he would explain to Sky Sports News while eating a suspiciously-large piece of nougat and making a flicking gesture with his thumb and front teeth.

Even though just five points separate the two teams, both managers repeatedly refuse to acknowledge they are in a ‘Mexican stand-off’ for 12th place.

They outrageously claim the British media are ‘portraying negative stereotypes of Hispanic culture’.

As the Kenna moves into the final month of the season, the spat appears far from over.

Quick guide to Catalan idioms

N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires! > You could even rent chairs with this!
(I can’t believe it / this is incredible – in a negative context)
Sabràs dos i dos quants fan > you know what two and two make
(There will be consequences if I do not get my way)
Està tocat del bolet > He is touched by the mushroom
(He is crazy)
Tallo el bacallà > I cut the cod
(I’m in a position of power)
Ets un somiatruites > He is an omelette dreamer
(He is a daydreamer)
No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna > You do not know the bread that is given
(You do not really know what is this about)

For more information about Catalan idioms and the region itself visit All about Catalonia.

Houston, we have a problem

Ramsey strike takes out pop diva
‘We were aiming for Syrian leader’ says Dynamo boss

Bullseye: Ramsey boasts a better conversion rate than Victor Moses

Aaron Ramsey received the full backing of his manager today after mistakenly killing Whitney Houston.

The Dynamo Charlton midfielder’s 75th-minute strike on Saturday sounded the death knell for the troubled pop singer.

The diva is Ramsey’s fourth scalp. His previous three goals spelled the end of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Apple boss Steve Jobbs and African tyrant Colonel Gaddafi.

In an eyebrow-raising press conference, the Dyanmo Charlton boss claimed the strike didn’t hit its intended target, but he’d have his player working extra hard in training to make up for it.

“We saw the job Aaron did taking out Bin Laden for the Americans last May and we knew then he’d be a good investment,” said the Dyanmo gaffer to stunned silence.

“If I told you that before the summer auction we’d pick him up for £2m, you’d never have believed me.

“Considering his awareness on the ball, his passing ability and the money Bill Gates was offering for Jobbs, there ain’t no way I was going to miss out on signing him.”

Assad day for soul

As journalists’ jaws hit the floor, the Dyanmo manager revealed that having successfully eliminated Colonel Gaddafi for the Libyan National Transitional Council, the club was approached by the United Nations.

“After hitting some red tape with the Russians and Chinese, the UN asked us to take care of Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. Sadly, Whitney copped it instead. I suppose it was just one of those days.

“I said to Aaron after the game ‘I believe in you and me’, and we’ll be working extra hard this week in training,” the Dynamo boss said.

Fine

Under club rules, Ramsey will get have to cough up £50 towards the end-of-season party for missing the target.

“What can I say?” said the manager, shrugging his shoulders.”He’s hit three in four attempts.

“That’s a lot better than Victor Moses.”

Elokobi leaves Seduction on loan

Nottingham Forest have signed The Dan Terry Seduction left-back George Elokobi on loan until the end of the season.

The 26-year-old Cameroonian has scored only 18 points for the struggling club this season, with just three starts in the Kenna League.

Elokobi told BBC Radio Nottingham: “It hasn’t worked out for me this season. There’s just not enough to eat in the club canteen.”

The defender’s departure leaves the Seduction in a bitter fight against relegation.

“We hoped the fuss around the England job would distract the media from this embarrassing development,” said the Seduction boss.

“We’re doomed. The only thing left for us to do now is stash as much complimentary Kenna stationery as possible into the lock-up before our official relegation at the end of the season,” he continued, while backing the club’s Bedford Rascal into a Dalston industrial estate.

‘Incompetent and thoughtless’ JPF boss in leaked memo row

Cut loose: Ashley Williams is a free agent

Wales defender Ashley Williams has hit out at the Judean Peoples’ Front manager after details of an internal club memo were leaked to the media.

Williams, who was released by JPF ahead of this Friday’s transfer window, has taken exception to the heave ho and the contents of the memo written by the manager himself.

“I also have someone from Swansea – get rid of him.”

In the leaked communique the JPF boss says: “Could you remove the bloke that I have from QPR and Cleverly. I also have someone from Swansea – get rid of him.”

The £2.5m-rated defender, who has played every minute of the campaign so far this season, said: “If he can’t see that I’m giving my all week in week out, then he’s just incompetent and thoughtless.

“His man management skills are a shambles, that’s why the only person who’s playing well for him this season is Robin van Persie, and even he wants to leave.”

In his defence the JPF manager said: “It’s a case of sour grapes. The axe has swung and he needs to deal with it.”

Early indications are that suitors will be queuing up to sign Williams, with eight managers needing to fill holes in defence.

A full list of available players will be released by Friday morning.

Polonia ire at ‘flaccid’ performance

The Polonia Forsyth manager has issued a startling battle cry after her team dropped to their lowest ever Kenna position.

Since they entered the league in 2008, the term ‘dropzone’ was only used at the club as players’ slang for the manager’s office.

Defensive worries have left them one spot off the bottom.

“I’m not going to stand here and get pummelled in the rear every week. I’m tired of these flaccid performances. You lot need to stiffen up and start pumping them in,” innuendoed the Polonia gaffer through an open trapdoor at the club’s Roger Hole training ground.

As part of an unorthodox training schedule, the Polonia first team spend all their time except match days locked in a soundproof ‘recovery’ area underneath Roger Hole wearing nothing but polyester, leopard-print thongs, stiff collars and bow ties.

“Food. We need food,” said Verdan Corluka.

Just Put Carles sink below PSV for first time

War of words erupts between Catalan managers

“Tallo el bacallà!”

Mexican stand-off

Quick guide to Catalan idioms

Ramsey strike takes out pop diva

‘We were aiming for Syrian leader’ says Dynamo boss

Assad day for soul

Fine