Magpies manager admits he can’t go out locally

A thieving magpie — One for sorrow: Thieving Magpies have been bottom of the league for weeks

The Thieving Magpies manager has admitted that he can no longer go out in the local area because of the fear of meeting some of the club’s disgruntled fans.

With ‘Pies currently sitting bottom of the Kenna and facing the prospect of making more signings like Gabriel Obertan in the transfer window, supporters have vented their anger at the manager for most of the season.

Despite showing loyalty to the club since the Kenna began in 2005, the ‘Pies boss admitted that possible clashes with angry supporters has kept him from going out socially around the outfit’s Tin Foil Street ground.

“It’s sad really,” said the ‘Pies gaffer. “I live in the area but I don’t go out there because I can’t. You just never know who you might run into. I hope the situation changes and over Christmas it did feel like things were improving.

“I don’t go anywhere feeling any fear but, unfortunately, you never know where a flashpoint might occur,” he told Jeff All News.

PHONEJACK-ERR

The Pikey Scum manager’s transfer window preparations were left in tatters last night after he was arrested.

Police collared the Scum boss on the grounds that the stolen iPhone incident he was apparently the victim of on Tuesday was allegedly an elaborate insurance fraud.

Details have emerged that the chief suspect in the case was known to the Scum manager beforehand and was actually his defender Patrice Evra.

“I’m telling you, the guy was a honky!” pleaded the Scum gaffer as stoney-faced policemen placed him in handcuffs at the club’s home stadium Trailer Park.

Evra was brought in for questioning, but he just shrugged a lot while chainsmoking Gauloises. Both men were bailed in the early hours.

Police initially followed up leads that a third man was involved and arrested the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

He was later released due to lack of evidence.

“This be gettin’ ridiculous,” said the Spartak manager this morning outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility. “If ye tryin’ to throw me in the brig, ye should try doin’ it for summint I actually done, like those French tourists I got locked in me….um….shivver me timbers, be that the time? I must be away to get shipshape for ye transfer porthole.”

PIKEY SCUM!

The Pikey Scum manager is making an charitable appeal after his iPhone was snatched yesterday.

In an incident laced with irony, the Scum manager’s phone was grabbed by a passing cyclist while he was trying to resolve the weekend’s incident involving his star defender Patrice Evra.

The assailant is still at large.

“I’ll be raising money to buy a new iPhone at the transfer night,” said the optimistic Scum manager.

A CCTV still photo has been released of the suspect. It shows a black man in his 20s wearing a sleeveless hooded top and riding a bicycle just before the incident.

Police initially brought in the Spartak Mogadishu manager for questioning, but he was later released due to lack of evidence.

“I prefers to do me plunderin’ at cutlass point,” said the Spartak manager.

Woo woe continues

Jeff Kenna Invitational Matchplay scorecard — Shocker: the Seduction manager came close to losing on shots

The Seduction manager’s off-the-pitch troubles continued this weekend at Enfield Golf Club.

The manager lost the Jeff Kenna Invitational Matchplay on Saturday, a fixture he usually wins at a canter.

Pressure from last week’s name change fiasco made itself felt as the ‘Grosvenor Allstars‘ manager carded two doubles and a treble bogey on the back nine.

The slip up allowed the Vasco De Beauvoir manager and last season’s Lokomotiv Tooting manager, who had joined forces, to win the round by a hole.

As his striker banged in three goals, the Vasco manager produced some scintilating golf, including two birdies.

It was only an ugly nine at the 16th that prevented him from beating the Seduction manager on strokes for the first time in years.

The Lokomotiv Tooting manager enjoyed some considerable luck, producing several textbook examples of the member’s bounce.

Managers interested in future Jeff Kenna golfing events should contact the Chairman.

Seduction name change nightmare

WHAT A BOOB

Dan Terry Seduction in name change fiasco
Boss ‘failed to woo’ more big names

THE Dan Terry Seduction boss was left out in the cold this week after his board requested the club’s name be changed.

A leaked communique revealed that the boardroom were unhappy with the manager’s choice of team name after a ‘pair of boobs’ on auction night left potential signings turned off.

The cap-in-hand letter to Kenna suits claimed that TWICE the Seduction boss tried to buy players immediately after they were signed by other teams.

The letter goes on to say “after this pair of boobs failed to woo more talent on auction night, we’re having to rebrand the club.

“There’s simply nothing seductive about Dan Terry, or his big boobs.”

A late charm offensive by the under-fire manager was not enough to stop the club changing it’s name to ‘Grosvenor Allstars’.

“We feel that this new bland and unambitious name reflects the true potential of the club,” droned a club statement.

The north London outfit are second from bottom of the league.

A club insider said: “Unless he can get something out of his team soon, the only thing he’ll be courting is disaster.”

WHAT A BOOB

Dan Terry Seduction in name change fiasco

Boss ‘failed to woo’ more big names