Category: Krakow Cup

WALTHAMSTOW Reds survived an independent panel review to qualify for the Krakow Cup final, but winning the trophy will be a hollow victory.

The Reds manager’s best ever chance of silverware in 13 years was under threat after an appeal of scoring errors earlier in the tournament was lodged with Kenna HQ.

While the independent three-man panel found there had indeed been an inaccuracy, they voted two to one in favour of Reds against the chairman’s side Adam Johnson Fan Club.

Should the scoring have been accurately recorded, AJFC would have replaced Reds in the semi final against Pikey Scum.

“If the Reds manager goes on to win it’s never going to sit well with him, it’s never going to sit well with anyone really. He’s got there by bureaucracy rather than merit,” said most of the rest of the league.

“It’s a shame because he’s one of only three managers to enter every season of the Kenna but he’s the only one never to win anything.”

Reds comfortably beat Pikey Scum after the second leg of the Krakow Cup this weekend.

Scum were in the hunt for a double, but will now happily focus on the league where they look to defend a 40-point lead for the next three weeks to secure a debut title.

As for Reds, they go on to face Wandsworth Network Solutions in the final, another side never to have won a trophy.

“Everyone’s rooting for WNS,” said the rest of the league.

Krakow Cup – semi final second leg results

Walthamstow Reds 48 (83) – 26 (55) Pikey Scum
WNS 28 (60) – 13 (31) Don’t Know Yet

Krakow Cup final – 15 May
Walthamstow Reds v Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table – week 34

Full scores available from The Rub.

HIGH drama has enveloped the latter stages of the Kenna season after it was decreed an independent panel will decide if the wrong team went through from the group stage.

The Walthamstow Reds manager’s best ever chance of maiden silverware in 13 years of trying are under threat.

An appeal lodged by the Tactical Brambler claims his side took six points in in Group B rather than three.

Tactical Brambler’s appeal: “I don’t think the Krakow cup results were done properly, I got more than 3 points I think, but they had this down and I didn’t get out the groups. I mentioned this previously and someone was going to check, but i don’t think it’s been done. Am I still in the competition. Will I win it?”

Given the Tactical Brambler’s goal difference in the group, his FC Testiculadew side would have progressed at the expense of Walthamstow Reds.

Reds went on to beat the chairman’s side Adam Johnson Fan Club in the last sixteen and then the vice-chairman’s side Young Boys in the quarter finals.

However, if FC Testiculadew had gone through they would have lost to AJFC, with the latter beating Young Boys in the next round.

Reds currently sit six points ahead of Pikey Scum after the first leg of the semi final.

AJFC would be eight points behind Pikey Scum.

Kenna HQ statement: “As the three managers involved are Kenna committee members [Reds, Scum and AJFC], Kenna HQ has decreed each manager will pick one other manager to form an independent panel.”

The impartial panel will decide whether Walthamstow Reds or AJFC continue in the cup.

The three managers made their picks earlier today.

Reds manager: “I would like to nominate the Pirate as my candidate because, y’know, FUN.”

Pikey Scum manager: “Assuming he’s not going to weasel himself into the running, I think the Tactical Brambler should get the prestige of adding ‘member of the Kenna league clerical error adjudication panel (2018)’ to his c.v. as he spotted the error, so he can be my rep.”

AJFC manager: “Thieving Magpies.”

A decision will be published on Friday.

Krakow Cup – semi final first leg (pending review)

Walthamstow Reds 35 – 29 Pikey Scum
WNS 32 – 18 Don’t Know Yet

Kenna League – week 33

Kenna League – week 32

THE only Somali manager in a London-pub based fantasy football league says he ‘reserves the right’ to share the spoils of pillage from the high seas after the Kenna League questioned the arrangement.

The Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager said he gives the team ‘some booty or the like’ if they win, otherwise they’ve got to plunder their own loot.

The Kenna League has ‘demanded an explanation’ from The Pirates manager since the package isn’t part of the standard player contract.

“Sometimes when we win I’ll give the lads a bottle o’ rum and some gold doubloons. If they lose they’ve got to buy their own rocket-propelled grenades, get on a skiff and put to sea,” said the ISIL manager outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

“Now I’ve received a letter from Kenna League blazers asking why I don’t share treasure with the crew when we lose.

“We’ve just been knocked out the Krakow Cup and instead of turning my attentions to keeping us out of the relegation zone I’ve now got to kidnap eleven tourists for my players to ransom.”

Krakow Cup – quarter final second leg results

Walthamstow Reds 40 (69) – 15 (35) Young Boys
Thieving Magpies 16 (40) – 19 (43) Pikey Scum
Piss Poor 23 (57) – 27 (65) Wandsworth Network Solutions
The Pirate 16 (39) – 22 (51) Don’t Know Yet

Semi finals first leg – 24 April

Walthamstow Reds v Pikey Scum
WNS v Don’t Know Yet

Kenna League – week 31

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League leaders Pikey Scum were held to a draw in their Krakow Cup quarter final first leg by last season’s title winners Thieving Magpies.

The 24-point apiece encounter means Scum will be looking for Harry Kane and Marcus Rashford to rediscover the form that has put the club top of the table for most of season and kept them in with a chance of a second domestic cup for the manager.

Just three weeks ago, Scum were enjoying a 59-point gap over the pack and waltzing past the hapless Sleptember XI in the last sixteen of the cup.

A stellar string of performances from Raheem Sterling and Jamie Vardy – which will surely dry up the second they both touch down in Russia – has seen second-placed Two Goals One Cup cut the lead to 35 points.

To determine if any manager has thrown away such a cushion in the last seven weeks of the season would take statistical analysis beyond the capacity to tear oneself away from tonight’s Anfield abattoir.

Nevertheless, it feels like it would be an unprecedented circumstance for Pikey Scum to lose the title from here.

The double, however, hangs on this weekend’s cup clash with Thieving Magpies.

Krakow Cup – quarter final first leg results

Walthamstow Reds 29 – 20 Young Boys
Thieving Magpies 24 – 24 Pikey Scum
Piss Poor 34 – 38 Wandsworth Network Solutions
The Pirate 23 – 29 Don’t Know Yet

Second leg to be played 10 April

Kenna League – week 30

Full scores available from The Rub.

MYSTERY surrounds the Krakow Cup knockout draw. No one saw it.

First leg results of the round of last 16 were published today, but no Kenna League manager remembers seeing the draw made when the usual custom is for three people, sometimes four, to watch the draw live on social media.

Kenna HQ remains tightlipped about how the teams were chosen to play each other.

Pikey Scum kept their chances of a double open with a strong showing over the struggling Sleptember XI.

Defender Lewis Dunk took his goal/own goal tally up to -3  to extend Scum’s lead in the league over Two Goals One Cup in second, closely followed by Lokomotiv Leeds in third.

Krakow Cup last 16 – first leg

AJFC 39 – 57 Walthamstow Reds
Bala Rinas 4 – 24 Young Boys
Lokomotiv Leeds 39 – 32 Thieving Magpies
Sleptember XI 21 – 36 Pikey Scum

Piss Poor 30 – 28 JPF
Dynamo Charlton 27 – 28 Wandsworth Network Solutions
Don’t Know Yet 27 – 34 The Pirate
No Fiesta without Iniesta 39 – 29 Burqini Pool Party

Kenna week 27

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 26

DARK times at Kenna HQ.

Having failed to publish an update for three weeks, the chairman is under increasing pressure in the corridors of power.

What’s led to the hold up? Why have the Krakow Cup scores only been shared now six teams are eliminated?

Answers are unclear. Charts and graphs have sent weekly updates to the executive. The chairman has certainly been seen in the committee rooms and coffee bars of Jeff House, albeit with a bleak expression, a face like Barry Bennell turning up at the Speed family Christmas.

Whispers around Kenna HQ say perhaps the league has run out of things to say. The league has reached its nadir.

Others say they overheard the chairman – who it must be remembered built his team around Dele Alli – weeping in the executive toilet. Someone reckons they caught him staring into the middle distance with a cup of camomile tea.

Many hope this is just a temporary blip.

They know the chairman’s cocktail cabinet remains locked until the transfer window.

Send your released players to Kenna HQ by midday on Thursday 1 February. Transfer window hammer down at 7pm on Friday 2 February in the Hoop & Grapes, Farringdon Road.

Full scores available from The Rub.

Krakow Cup – 16 January 2018

Krakow Cup – 9 January 2018

Krakow Cup – 5 January 2018

Kenna table week 20

Kenna table week 19

Kenna table week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

THE Berlin to Poznan train was fully booked.

Rather than shelling out for first class the next morning, the Kenna League chairman opted for a more roundabout route through Szczecin (or Stettin if you’re Teuton) and a maiden voyage into the region of West Pomerania.

The journey included onward travel so of course, the big question was: how do you kill 90 minutes in West Pomerania?

One of the nearest pubs to the Szczecin station was Irish.

It was the Friday before Christmas. Unlike Godless Brits, Poles view advent as a time of reflection rather than Prosecco and photocopied private parts. It was late afternoon and the majority of West Pomeranians were soberly going about their business.

The street was called Kaszubska, named after a region in Pomerania to the east. A few steps descent into the Irish Pub Dublin, the chairman walked into decor straight from the Guinness catalogue.

Dark wood, low lighting and mirrors with stout brands. The barman wasn’t Irish, a surprise to result in a clumsy exchange which left the barman quite certain the customer was English.

This may account for what happened next.

Settling down at a table with his pint of Pomeranian-brewed Kasztelan, the chairman all of a sudden heard the music stop. What would they put on the welcome the leader of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league?

‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ sang a rabble to the five punters in the pub. Then a beat, then lots of men effing and jeffing about West Ham. Oh dear, it was a Hammers CD.

The chairman sipped his Pomeranian beer, wondered what the reaction should be in West Pomerania and decided to do nothing.

Halfway through the second Hammers song the bar gave up and put Christmas music back on.

The chairman finished his pint, put on his hat and coat, and left the pub wondering if he’d been mistaken for a Green Street casual.

Krakow Cup – group stage round two

Kenna League table week 16

THE Christmas party at Kenna League club Puncheon the Bony Kante has been cancelled due to a culture of dressing room violence, it has emerged.

The side’s poor form and the manager’s strange choice of team name has led to macabre bust ups between players after matches.

A source at the club said: ‘Early in the season the manager walked into the dressing room to find Ashley Williams holding Mamadou Sakho in a headlock while Danilo hit him in the head shouting “I’m Puncheon the Bony Sakho Shit”.’

The manager had to intervene but the incident has led to players ganging up on each other to come up with the best word play on the team’s name, claimed the source.

Shortly after the initial incident, a young Nigerian playmaker needed hospital treatment when someone coined ‘Puncheon Iwobi Kante’.

Then young English striker Lingard suffered a black eye when a teammate cracked ‘Puncheon the Jesse Kante’.

During the Rainbow Laces LGBT awareness weekend in November, striker Andre Gray found himself the unfortunate victim of ‘Fisting the Bony Kante’.

The striker was attacked again alongside midfielder Demarai Gray as teammates quipped ‘Puncheon two shades of Gray out the Kante’.

The situation came to a head last weekend when goalkeeper Caballero received life-changing injuries after his Gatorade was spiked with Viagra to tee up the punchline ‘Puncheon the Bony Willy’.

Languishing third from bottom in the league and losing the opening group game of the Krakow Cup, the pressure is on the mysterious debutant manager.

He’s responded by pulling the plug on the fairy lights and is rumoured to be taking advice on the issue from the England Cricket Board.

Krakow Cup group stage – results and standings

Kenna table – week 15

Full scores available from The Rub.