Managers – Page 24 – The Jeff Kenna League

KS West Green 2013/14

Stix — New club, new training facility: The KS West Green manager

Since: 2005 (co-founder and chairman)

Last season: 18th (relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, Canesten Combi Cup winner 2006, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Dr Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Let Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D

Outlook (on 27 September 2013): As both Kenna chairman and competitor, the former Vasco De Beauvoir manager faces an increasingly inescapable conundrum. At the reins of Kenna HQ, the chairman has seen the league swell in popularity and elan with a record 20 managers last season enjoying unprecedented attendance at transfer windows. In charge of Vasco De Beauvoir, the manager has overseen the club’s steady decline since the treble-winning year of 2010, resulting in a slump to relegation for the first time. Indifferent to the Kenna’s overall success, the powers that be at Vasco had enough. Despite bringing them more glory than any other team in the league’s history the manager was handed his P45 in May.

Taking the number 67 bus from De Beauvoir deeper into north London, the chairman has found new employ at Klub Sportowy in West Green, where the streets are literally paved with empty Polish beer cans. The Worcestershire man may be from the pear county, but five weeks into the season his tenure is failing to bear much fruit. Ashley Williams, Nathaniel Clyne and £40m Sergio Aguero may be justifying their expense, but the manager is beset by injury and loss of form.

The Ox made an impressive first 45 minutes to the season, but hasn’t played since. ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz pulled up right in front of the manager’s nose at Craven Cottage two weeks ago. Andre Schurrle, who averages a goal every three games for club and country, is struggling to make an impact and looks like he will soon share a similar fate to Graham Dorrans and Wes Hoolahan – and lose his place in the starting line up. Mark Hudson captained his side last season but now can’t get a place in the team. Jordi Spence is on loan in the lower divisions. Anders Lindegaard is getting as much time in goal at Old Trafford as Anders Breivik.

So while KS West Green may not be in line for any traditional Kenna silverware, they’re surely an early favourite in the Little Maddy award for least appearances stakes.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f17b8m5fniU&w=420&h=315]

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Speroni, J	CRY	£0.5m
Davies, C	HUL	£0.5m
Clyne, N	SOT	£7m
Williams, A	SWA	£9m
Bardesley, P	SUN	£5m
Barry, G	EVE	£0.5m
Schurrle, A	CHE	£14m
Whittingham, P	CAR	£2m
Ox-Chamberlain, A	ARS	£0.5m
Aguero, S	MCY	£39m
De Jong, L	NEW	£5m
		£83m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £13.5m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £8.5m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	POS	Player	Team	Value
GK	Lindegaard, A	MUN	Free	GK	Speroni, J	C RY	£0.5m
DEF	Spence, J (TB)	WHU	Free	DEF	Davies, C	HUL	£0.5m
DEF	Hudson, M	CAR	Free	DEF	Whittaker, S	NOR	£5.0m
MID	Dorrans, G	WBA	Free	MID	Barry, G	EVE	£0.5m
MID	Hoolahan, W	NOR	Free	MID	Whittingham, P	CAR	£2m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Starting budget: £15m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £10m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	POS	Player	Team	Value
DEF	Whittaker, S	NOR	Free	DEF	Bardsley, P	SUN	£5m
STR	Ruiz, B	FUL	Free	STR	De Jong, L	NEW	£5m

Spartak Mogadishu 2013/14

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

Outlook (on 24 September 2013): Spartak Mogadishu stunned the whole league in May when they lifted their first piece of the silverware, the Canesten Combi Cup. Not writing anything down and drinking heavily, the manager traditionally approached auctions with the gay abandon of an Al-Shabab shopping spree, and his reputation of firebrand was galvanised when he became the first manager to resign in the middle of an auction at the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros. Attending last month’s all-dayer for the first time outside of Ramadan appeared to temper the Somali, and he even hooked some worthwhile players.

At the unveiling of the new squad at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the manager admitted he felt slightly hornswoggled at the purchase of Glenn Murray, who’s been on crutches since May and will continue to be for some time. In Robert van Wolfswinkel, Marco van Ginkel and Johnny Heitinga, the manager has three players to feature in the national side for Holland, a country known throughout history for its maritime tradition. Hernandez, Lallana, Kolarov and Jaaskelainen all started the season in strong form.

Despite this Spartak are not managing to gel and slipping down the table with each passing week. In the Kenna there’s a very fine line between success or failure; between a white, sandy Caribbean island, a crate of rum and Keira Knightly, or five minutes in the upstairs room of a tavern with a toothless crone.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3nM2Ul4rLU&w=420&h=315]

(B) denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Jaaskelainen, J	WHM	£12m
Chiriches, V	TOT	£2.5m
Kolarov, A	MCY	£10m
Gabbidon, D	CRY	£3.5m
Olsson, J	WBA	£1m
Lallana, A	SOT	£12m
Cleverley, T	MUN	£7m
Hernandez, P	SWA	£15m
Barkley, R	EVE	£8.5m
van Wolfswinkel, R	NOR	£13m
Jones, K	CAR	£0.5m
		£85m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12.5m, remaining budget: £1.5m, net loss £11m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Bramble, T	FAG	Free	DEF	Taylor, A	CAR	£0.5m
DEF	Heitinga, J	EVE	Free	DEF	Olsson, J	WBA	£1.0m
MID	Van Ginkel, M	CHE	Free	MID	Barkley, R	EVE	£8.5m
STR	Murray, G	CRY	Free	STR	Gayle, D	CHE	£0.5m
				STR	Kone, A (released on a free)	EVE	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Taylor, A	CAR	Free	DEF	Chiriches, V	TOT	£2.5m
DEF	Shotton, R	STO	Free	DEF	Gabbidon, D	CRY	£3.5m
STR	Gayle, D	CRY	£0.5m	STR	Jones, K	CAR	£0.5m

Piedmonte 2013/14

England till he dies: The Piedmonte manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 4th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Great Escape – the England Band

Outlook (on 19 September): Commitments on the south coast meant the Piedmonte manager was unable to attend last month’s auction in person. Instead he joined proceedings by Skype over three hours into the bidding. Unenviable, considering this would be his ninth tilt at the Kenna hindered by an unhealthy preoccupation with signing English players. As such his trophy cabinet’s emptier than a pint of Carling is of flavour. He joins the Newington Reds manager on dismal figures of just two podium finishes in eight seasons.

Removed from the absurdity of The Roebuck’s upstairs bar, the Piedmonte manager appears to have overcome his prejudice, buying just five players who hail from the green and pleasant land, although how pleasant the changing rooms will be after a mid-match visit from Jason Puncheon is up for debate. The rest of the team is made up of a German, a Welshman, a Norwegian, a Frenchman, a Togolese and an Irishman. The manager must be asking himself if all these Johnny Foreigners be able to play in a rigid 4-4-2 system reliant on long ball? Or will they just be a bad, uncoordinated, out-of-tune joke?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjVd54E2e_U&w=420&h=315]

Krul, T	NEW	£9m
Jagielka, P	EVE	£17m
Davies, B	SWA	£7m
Jones, P	MUN	£17m
Hangeland, B	FUL	£10m
Gerrard, S	LIV	£10m
Noble, M	WHM	£7.5m
Townsend, A	TOT	£1.5m
Puncheon, J	CRY	£3m
Long, S	HUL	£5m
Odemwingie, P	STO	£5m
		£92m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £8m, remaining budget: £7.5m, net loss: £0.5m

(Hyperlink denotes from which club player was bought)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
STR	Adebayor, E	TOT	Free	STR	Walters, J	STO	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
MID	Nasri, S	MCY	£2m	MID	Townsend, A	TOT	£1.5m
STR	Walters, J	STO	£0.5m	STR	Odemwingie, P	STO	£5m

FC Testiculadew 2013/14

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 2nd

Trophy cabinet: 2011/12 league and cup double

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Imperial March – Star Wars

Outlook (on 16 September 2013): Forty floors below the club’s Itchysack Park training facility, the FC Testiculadew manager mused behind his heavy oak desk. He had won the league and cup double on his first attempt. He’d broken records that year and shown up the rest of them to be the footballing simpletons they were, groping around in dark while his team had run away with the championship. He had created the master stroke of tactical Brambling, buying ineligible players to wilfully accept a forfeit and give himself an advantage by freeing up funds late on in the auction. It was an act everyone else found atrocious. Why? There was no cheating in the world, only winning, no matter what ridiculous code of honour those bungling fools at Kenna HQ tried to uphold. Chivalry doesn’t equal success, cunning equals success and success equals power, and power, true power, was everything.

In May the unthinkable happened: he’d finished second. This was definitely not part of the plan. FCT would have to win this season, and with Benteke and Dzeko on form his team had made a good start. The half a million paid for Juan Mata didn’t quite seem like the bargain it was a month ago, but the rest of the midfield showed promise. He was reasonably satisfied with the defence too, although Debussy’s performances were a worry. The truth was every player was expendable in the hunt for a second title. Very soon they would understand that.

He pulled a tasselled chord next to the desk. There was no sound for a few moments until the door creaked open and an elderly butler entered. “Have they assembled in the sacrificial chamber?” said the manager. The subordinate nodded in assent. “Good, tell them I’ll be there directly.”

The butler left the room. The FCT manager robed himself in a ceremonial cloak and pulled on the hood. It was time.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzntZLHcYy0&w=420&h=315]

Lloris, H	TOT	£0.5m
Debuchy, M	NEW	£5m
Olsson, M	NOR	£0.5m
Sakho, M	LIV	£7m
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£11m
Mirallas, K	EVE	£13m
Mata, J	MUN	£0.5m
Shelvey, J	SWA	£0.5m
Ozil, M	ARS	£13m
Benteke, C	AVL	£38m
Dzeko, E	MCY	£19m
		£108m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £22,5m, remaining budget: £4.5m, net loss: £18m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
DEF	Olsson, M	NOR	Free	DEF	Olsson, M	NOR	£0.5m
DEF	Koscielny, L	ARS	£2.5m	DEF	Sakho, M	LIV	£7m
MID	Taarabt, A	FUL	Free	MID	Ozil, M	ARS	£13m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
DEF	Rafael	MUN	£11m	DEF	Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£11m

Dulwich Red Sox 2013/14

Manager: Luke (Shropshire)

Twitter name: @Lurliner

Since: 2011

Last season: Did not enter

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 13th in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Rat Rapping – Roland Rat (featuring Kevin the Gerbil)

Outlook (on 13 September 2013): There’s something from the hip about the Dulwich Red Sox manager’s approach not just to the Kenna, but to life. Like a whirlwind he entered the competitive arena of last month’s auction – tail up, nose twitching, giving it the Barry – looking to buy any players he liked the sound of to build his smash and grab team. It didn’t work two seasons ago when the manager was in charge of the Lurliners and, like the DRS cricketing namesake, it’s still not the finished solution.

Dimitar Berbatov is one of the best striker’s around, five per cent of the time, and will not reflect his £24m price tag as well as Oscar. Osman’s a steady buy, Milner’s more part-time workhorse than creative show pony and Giggs – how long until age or another failed superinjunction catch up with him? Reid and Lowton are regular starters, but Martin Skrtel’s future hangs in the balance and Thomas Vermaelen is a shade of the former goal-scoring self who came to the Kenna four years ago. Freidel’s one appearance of the season will be on the Match of the Day 2 sofa.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtO7EQrMPdQ&w=420&h=315]

Friedel, B	TOT	£0.5m
Lowton, M	AVL	£8m
Reid, W	WHM	£8.5m
Skrtel, M	LIV	£12m
Vermaelen, T	ARS	£5.5m
Milner, J	MCY	£5m
Osman, L	EVE	£11m
Oscar	CHE	£24m
Giggs, R	MUN	£1m
Berbatov, D	MON	£24m
Fletcher, S	SUN	£0.5m
		£100m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Hairy Fadjeetas 2013/14

Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts music: The Vag1na Song

Outlook (on 12 September 2013): With only one Turkey of the Month award to his name, the Hairy Fadjeetas manager still has it all to prove at club level. His most successful efforts have been on the international stage, where he collected a runners up medal in the Dr Khumalo 2010 World Cup, but most notably took charge of the league Twitter account during the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros. The chairman has given his word that should the league realise the dream of owning premises in St James’s there will always be a place on the billiard room wall for the resounding description of The Horn of Africa manager throwing in the towel halfway through an auction and the moment 10 minutes later when he picked it up again.

His place on the committee under threat with the swift decline of tweeting entire auctions, the Fadges manager manned the Skype business during last month’s all day bonanza. While administering bids from such exotic climes as Valencia and Bournemouth, for his own team the manager kept it simple and went big on two players already justifying their £30m+ price tag: Robert Soldado and Edin Hazard (league ball boys have been placed on high alert). As for the rest of team, it appears to be a mixture of dwindling roles (Hernandez, Grandin, Gouffran) and plodding performance (Marshall, Turner, Jarvis). Once Nastasic returns from injury, he’ll join Kolo Toure, Ron Vlaar, Soldado and Hazard as the team’s mainstays. Will this be enough to drag the Hairy Fadjeetas manager out of the hall of infame?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMym1gsG_30&w=420&h=315]

Marshall, D	CAR	£3.5m
Vlaar, R	AVL	£5.5m
Turner, M	NOR	£3m
Toure, K	LIV	£6.5m
Nastasic, M	MCY	£0.5m
Jarvis, M	WHM	£7.5m
Hazard, E	CHE	£34m
Gouffran, Y	NEW	£0.5m
Ramsey, A	ARS	£11m
Soldado	TOT	£33m
Hernandez, J	MUN	£1.5m
		£110m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £0m, net loss: £11m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
MID	Grandin, E	CRY	Free	MID	Ramsey, A	ARS	£11m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

No changes

Northern Monkeys 2013/14

Manager: Hugo (Tyneside)

Twitter name: @Hugeist

Since: 2012

Last season: 12th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Newcastle

Darts music: Northern Calypso – Hale & Pace

Outlook (on 11 September 2013): Lack of firepower is sure to be the Northern Monkeys manager’s biggest worry this term. Not only does the team start with Titus Bramble forfeit player Emmanuel Mayuka, who’s been farmed out on loan to France, but Victor Anichebe has been knocked down the pecking order with the arrival of new strikers in Merseyside.

There aren’t many more goals in midfield. Marquee signing David Silva tends to enjoy a short purple patch each season, but like Antonio Valencia mainly picks up the odd assist. Since Damien Duff’s over the hill, it’s left to Kevin Nolan to find the net.

In defence it’s a better story. Vorm, Huth, Vertonghen and Mertesacker are regular starters bought for a decent price at auction. All of which leaves plenty in the kitty going into October’s transfer window. The manager will need every penny if he wants to avoid an anonymous mid-table finish for the second consecutive season.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IQem4nRSm4&w=420&h=315]

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

McGregor, A	HUL	£0.5m
Mertesacker, P	ARS	£6.5m
Vertonghen, J	TOT	£7m
Turner, B	CAR	£0.5m
Williamson, M	NEW	£0.5m
Hazell, S (TB)	BRA	£0.5m
Silva, D	MCY	£26m
Downing, S	WHU	£0.5m
Valencia, A	MUN	£7m
Bornini, F	SUN	£10m
Eto’o, S	CHE	£2m
		£61m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £26m, remaining budget: £9.5m, net loss: £16.5m

(Hyperlink denotes from which club player was bought)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
DEF	Taylor, S	NEW	Free	DEF	Coloccini, F	NEW	£4.5m
STR	Mayuka, E (B)	SCX	Free	STR	Weimann, A	AVL	£10m
STR	Anichebe, V	EVE	Free	STR	Eto’o, S	CHE	£2m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
GK	Vorm, M	SWA	Free	GK	McGregor, A	HUL	£0.5m
DEF	Huth, R	STO	Free	DEF	Turner, B	CAR	£0.5m
DEF	Coloccini, F	NEW	Free	DEF	Williamson, M	NEW	£0.5m
MID	Duff, D	WBA	Free	MID	Downing, S	WHU	£0.5m
MID	Nolan, K	WHU	Bramble	MID	Hazell, S (TB)	BRA	£0.5m

STR

Weimann, A

AVL

Free

STR

Bornini, F

SUN

£10m

Bala Rinas 2013/14

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – treasurer)

Last season: 13th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 8th in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Outlook (on 10 September 2013): The treasurer has long tried to impose his tactics on the field, but his record is not a rosy one. The second-least successful manager in league history, it took him three seasons in the wilderness to overcome the ignominy of steering The Trinny Men to last place in his debut campaign. Returning at the helm of Bala Rinas in 2011, his team’s performances on the pitch have been eclipsed by his realpolitik at Kenna HQ. Elevation to the league committee in July last year led to fierce criticism from Kenna managers who questioned the appointment’s probity.

Rumours were flying in the build up to August’s auction that the Bala Rinas boss had turned his expansive accountancy skills to squad selection and he’d devised an ingenious balance sheet to identify Kenna-winning talent. The manager’s homework appears to be paying off. In what’s being touted as a Kenna first, all eleven of the Bala Rinas team turned out for the first two competitive weeks of the season.

Another 35 weeks to go and all’s well, but with Paulinho the most expensive player at £17m, will the Bala Rinas manager live to regret his decision not to make some bigger signings? And who will he choose to jettison between Foster and Sessegnon come the October transfer window?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrsfJHLx5YA&w=420&h=315]

Mannone, V	SUN	£0.5m
Monreal, N	ARS	£8m
Shaw, L	SOT	£5.5m
Collins, J	WHM	£0.5m
Heitinga, J	FUL	£2.5m
Fellaini, M	MUN	£0.5m
Nasri, S	MCY	£2m
Sissoko, M	NEW	£10m
Paulinho	TOT	£17m
Chamakh, M	CRY	£14m
Lukaku, R	EVE	£3m
		£63.5m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £6m, remaining budget: £6m, net profit/loss: broken even

(Hyperlink denotes club to which player was sold)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Value
GK	Foster, B	WBA	£0.5m	GK	Stockdale, D	FUL	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
GK	Stockdale, D	FUL	Free	GK	Mannone, V	SUN	£0.5m
DEF	Luna, A	AVL	Free	DEF	Monreal, N	ARS	£8m
DEF	Agger, D	LIV	£5m	DEF	Heitinga, J	FUL	£2.5m
MID	Sessegnon, S	WBA	Free	MID	Fellaini, M	MUN	£0.5m
MID	Routledge, W	SWA	£1m	MID	Nasri, S	MCY	£2m

STR

Chamakh, M

CRY

£14m

Team Panda Rules OK 2013/14

Manager: George (Bromley)

Since: Debut

Sympathies: Millwall

Darts music: True Love Ways – Buddy Holly

Outlook (on 4 September 2013): The debut of the Team Panda Rules OK manager brings a raw south east England edge to the league. Known around the club as ‘The Panda’, the gaffer shares little in common with the soon-to-be-extinct bundle of joy at Edinburgh Zoo. His origins and accent more readily liken the Bromley man to an extra from hit TV show The Inbetweeners, a link cemented when he once revealed he actually went on a school geography field trip to Swanage. He maintains rumours he punched a fish and asked a pensioner at an ice cream stand whether she wanted to suck him off are purely here say.

The form of Olivier Giroud will settle the nerves of the team, even if Kane’s inactivity does the opposite. The Panda will be closely tracking Gareth Barry’s progress now the midfielder’s move to Merseyside means a choice between releasing him or Distin come the October transfer window. The rest of the side literally contains a couple of Johnsons.

With just one substitute appearance, Nani really is living up to the notion that he’s just a not very good Michael Jackson.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X21mJh6j9i4&w=420&h=315]

Under Kenna rules, the manager must release one of the players in red at the next transfer window.

Begovic, A	STO	£7m
O’Shea, J	SUN	£11m
Lovren, D	SOT	£8.5m
Distin, S	EVE	£14m
Johnson, G	LIV	£17m
Kasami, P	FUL	£0.5m
Brunt, C	WBA	£7m
Johnson, B	NOR	£8m
Bacuna, L	AVL	£0.5m
Giroud, O	ARS	£20m
Campbell, F	CAR	£11m
		£104m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £11m, remaining budget: £0m, net loss: £11m

(Hyperlink denotes to which club player was sold)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
MID	Barry, G	EVE	£0.5m	MID	Kasami, P	FUL	£0.5m
STR	Kane, H	TOT	Free	STR	Campbell, F	CAR	£11m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
MID	Nani	MUN	£0.5m	MID	Bacuna, L	AVL	£0.5m

Just Put Carles 2013/14

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Last season: 5th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Outlook (on 4 September): The Just Put Carles boss is one of a trio of Catalans in the Kenna who not in their wildest childhood dreams could have imagined emigration to the UK would end in competing at the game’s highest level. Overcoming his birth in the relative football backwater of the Costa Brava, last season the JPC boss became the Kenna’s most successful foreign manager in the league’s history by finishing in fifth position. Achievement earned the curiosity of his girlfriend, who attended last month’s auction to see for herself just what all the fuss was about. No doubt she was made to regret her decision when the new auction wildcards were unveiled.

Unlike his fellow conquistadores, the JPC manager chose to avoid the tactic of just signing Hispanic players. While Rapids de Cullons CF have five and PSV Mornington have seven, JPC boasts just Angel Rangel – an established starter who will play in defence alongside Guy Demel, Andy Wilkinson and Chris Smalling, in front of goalkeeper Tim Howard. Fernandinho, Dembele, Kacaniklic and Henderson all appear to be getting game time this campaign. Only Ba and Sanogo up front look like bench warmers.

Crucially, the manager takes £13m into the first transfer window in October, making JPC the fourth richest club in the league.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChFJOYO622Y&w=420&h=315]

Howard, T	EVE	£9m
Smalling, C	MUN	£1m
Rosenior, L	HUL	£2m
Rangel, A	SWA	£5m
Demel, G	WHM	£2.5m
Mutch, J	CAR	£5.5m
Fernandinho	MCY	£30m
Colback, J	SUN	£0.5m
Henderson, J	LIV	£0.5m
Walters, J	STO	£0.5m
Ameobi, Sh	NEW	£0.5m
		£57m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Did not attend. League membership under review.

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Wilkinson, A	STO	Free	DEF	Rosenior, L	HUL	£2m
MID	Dembele, M	TOT	Free	MID	Mutch, J	CAR	£5.5m
MID	Kacanilkic, A	FUL	Free	MID	Colback, J	SUN	£0.5m
STR	Ba, D	CHE	Free	STR	Walters, J	STO	£0.5m
STR	Sanogo, Y	ARS	Free	STR	Ameobi, Sh	NEW	£2m