Introducing: this season’s Bramble players

FANTASY football has few harsher punishments than the Titus Bramble ruling.

Mess up at the Kenna League auction draft – overspend, buy an illegal player – and there are no easy let offs and no ‘oh, poor luck let’s forget about that shall we?’s.

Buy an illegal player and you’ll have him whipped out your team and replaced with a forfeit faster than you can say ‘Twattus Bollocks‘. And you’ll lose half the cash you paid for him.

It doesn’t end there. The forfeit players used to be active Premier League footballers, but some notorious chicanery four years ago means they’re now the ultimate deterrent: convicted sex offenders.

Last month’s auction saw three paedophiles turn out for Kenna League teams.

Let’s meet the Charlie Chesters who managers can’t get rid of until the first transfer window in October.

Adam Johnson (£21m), midfielder, Piss Poor

Why’s he here?
Put Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Jamie Vardy and Adam Johnson into an envelope and auction off a lucky dip. It’s called Chinese Roulette. That’s how the Piss Poor manager ended up paying £21m to have the former Sunderland man in his midfield.

What can he contribute?
Johnson creates and scores goals, even more so in the number 10 spot, but then he was sentenced earlier this year for grooming and sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl. He’ll give opposition fans something to sing about though.

Stuart Hall (£12.5m), midfielder, FC Testiculadew

Why’s he here?
Usually so cunning at skirting Kenna auction regulations, the manager best known as the Tactical Brambler walked straight into this Bramble when he signed a second Leicester City player. Cheerio Jamie Vardy and half his £25m signing fee. Hello, It’s A Knockout!

What can he contribute?
At 86, it’s unlikely Hall will translate his poetic vocal style to the FCT midfield. Has he got any attacks left in him?

Mark Bridger (£16.5m), midfielder, Bala Rinas

Why he’s here?
The Bala Rinas manager overspent late in the auction and lost his most expensive player Eden Hazard, who had cost £33m. A tremendous oversight from the league’s Welsh treasurer, for whom Mark Bridger was the obvious Bramble.

What can he contribute?
Rarely caught in possession, but his resourcefulness under pressure hides traces of greater concern.

Fantasy bidding in absentia

THE child who gets sucked off in a Mediterranean riptide while dad’s glued to the television in a Greek taverna.

The bride who spent a lifetime planning her special day around herself without a thought for the guests wondering why half the congregation are looking at Sky Go rather than her flouncy dress.

What do these two unfortunates have in common?

Both their August Saturdays have been ruined by football.

Such distractions may lead you to believe organising a fantasy football auction would be easy.

Everyone would rather spend an August Saturday in the pub signing their team than at a wedding with a cash bar or surrounded by dehydrated, screaming children.

‘I’m on a ferry to France’, ‘I’m going on a stag do to Edinburgh’ and ‘It’s the same day as the annual family picnic’ are three genuine excuses already sidled into Kenna HQ.

No matter how far ahead the date is set, potential managers are liable to fall foul of these life inconveniences. So how does the fantasy football auction organiser accommodate the absentee manager?

Preparing for its 12th annual auction next Saturday, the Kenna League has tried phone bids, Skype, Whatsapp and any other number of methods of remote bidding with varying levels of success.

Here are the two of the best solutions Kenna HQ will be employing next weekend while most of the league enjoys the auction at the Hoop & Grapes on Farringdon Road.

Periscope

Social media and live communication was always difficult. Who wants to watch, let alone manage, a five-hour Skype call from a budget Spanish apartment to 15 tipsy managers in a London pub?

At the Boumsong Euros auction in June, we trialled video broadcasting app Periscope with some positive feedback.

Using a smartphone, tripod and battery back, we broadcast the auction live. Granted, it made pretty shocking viewing to the casual observer, but to the league treasurer it gave the platform to buy what turned out to be a mid-table outfit.

The advantage of Periscope is it allows the bidder to share their bids almost instantaneously and for the auctioneer to see them flashing up on the screen.

The manager just has to be dedicated enough to watch their phone for a few hours.

A perfect way to pass the time at a distant in-law’s wedding.

Silent bidding

Total absenteeism. It’s been a common feature in the Kenna almost since its creation.

‘I can’t make the auction. Can I get eleven players from the leftovers?’

If the Kenna chairman had a pint for every time he heard this request his liver would be mostly, rather than partly, packed up.

The problem here is the leftover team is cheap and awful, but the absent manager goes into the first transfer window with huge war chest. It makes it difficult for those who actually attended the auction to remain competitive.

Therefore, absentee managers are now required to make 11 silent bids, dividing their £100m budget among target players.

The bids remain confidential until the price is met at auction. A silent bid on a player is only announced after the hammer has gone down. The winning manager present then has to decide whether to beat it.

Absent managers only sign around three or four players this way – the rest of the side is filled automatically after the auciton – but they are more competitive. Their transfer window funds are adjusted to the average remaining funds of managers who went to the auction.

Of course, one manager even fought back from not showing up to the auction to win a World Cup.

So if your children drown or a self-obsessed bride throws you out of church, you’re still in with a chance of winning Kenna.

Chairman bans unlit managers from Kenna auction

THE Kenna League chairman will exile some managers from next month’s fantasy football auction unless they meet certain drinking targets.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager (pictured) says the chairman has told the league to embrace beer, shots and “heavy drinking”.

“They don’t have to be completely tanked, but I want my managers tipsy,” said the chairman of the self-proclaimed world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

“Drunkenness is so important. When you are under the influence, Titus Bramble is coming. You’re not fast enough or quick enough in the head. That’s why you need to be pissed.”

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager says he is fully behind the chairman’s approach.

“For my part, it’s the first time any fantasy football chairman has really done it,” added the Yorkshireman. “And we have a few managers who are not boozing enough with the league yet.

“If your abstemiousness is too high, you’re not in the spirit of the auction. You have to know that if your blood/alcohol content is too low, then you cannot enter the auction.

“Some people think that’s normal but, in truth, it’s not always like this. I know because I’ve been in the Kenna League for a long time. It’s really crisp, cool and refreshing, and very exciting.”

The Kenna League auction is due to take place in the Hoop & Grapes pub, Farringdon Road, on Saturday 13 August.

It’s not the first time the chairman has called for compulsory boozing at auctions.

This story has been stolen from BBC Sport.

What can English fantasy football learn from USA Today?

ANTICIPATION is high both sides of the Atlantic Ocean.

For whether you spell it ‘colour’ or ‘color’ the fantasy football season is almost upon us.

Next month will see the 12th annual Kenna League fantasy football auction in London, the capital of ‘Merrie Olde England’.

Kenna HQ is always on the lookout for fresh ideas to inject into our preferred format, so when we spotted Make these 8 improvements to your fantasy football league on the USA Today website we immediately cancelled our high tea appointment with the Queen to find out more.

Fundamental differences between our two codes of football aside, I’m sure with a basic knowledge of gridiron and having watched two seasons of The League (or at least until the writers ran out of ideas) we can learn a thing or two from our American counterparts.

Let’s take fantasy sports writer Tim Heaney’s points one by one and see how we get on.

1. Eliminate head-to-head. Go with total points or all-play.

I get it. You want your league to resemble the NFL as much as possible, and that comes with the drama and trash talk related to competing with friends every Thursday through Monday.

But for fantasy, head-to-head doesn’t always tell the right story — a freak injury or strategy flaw in real-life play can ruin your week or season.

Playing your entire league every weekend (using head-to-head record or straight point totals) gives a clearer reflection of the best and worst squads. In this setup, the highest-scoring clubs will not miss the playoffs. (How often has that happened to you?)

You could even skip the traditional playoff format and just play this way through the final weekend, the way that other football does in the English Premier League.

‘Other football.’ I like this. It’s much preferable to the ‘S’ word, which upon hearing an Englishman must immediately repeat back in a faux-American accent.

Yes, we do run a straight points league in England, but over the last couple of years the weekly head-to-head has gained much traction, particularly in the official Fantasy Premier League game. I have tens of thousands of Whatsapp messages to prove this.

In the Kenna, the honour is definitely in straight points.

2. Eliminate the kicker.

Don’t kickers get points by putting it through the posts? Taco in The League always buys kickers and he gets laid a lot. Although he’s also a bit simple. There’s something I’m not getting here. Laid, perhaps.

3. Add at least one extra flex (running back-wide receiver-tight end) position.

Flex? Is that like a substitute?

I’m assuming by their job titles running backs and wide receivers are the ones that score the most points – like strikers in ‘other football’ – so it seems sensible to add more of these.

Not sure what a tight end is. Sounds like something former Sunderland winger Adam Johnson would experience behind a Chinese takeaway.

4. Perhaps a superflex, adding a quarterback.

I enjoyed the first two being used in the recent Sirius XM Fantasy Sports Radio Independence Day Invitational, which took things to the extreme with no kicker, no team defense, an extra tight end and an extra RB-WR-TE flex.

These three alterations would throw an electrifying wrench into an ever-evolving player pool. Kickers were already frustrating, and with the revised extra-point rules, it’s Stephen Gostkowski, Justin Tucker, or … dart board.

Why not get more fantasy fun out of a roster spot? Especially when you institute the wild card of the option to start another QB. Heck, go nuts, make it a two-QB lineup.

I have no idea what a superflex is either. By now it should also be fairly certain I would be out of my depth at the Sirius XM Fantasy Sports Radio Independence Day Invitational.

5. Use incentives to keep lower-ranked teams competitive late into the year.

Make the No. 1 pick next year the highest-ranked non-playoff team. Put money aside for weekly contests (most receiving yards, etc.) so teams can win even if they’re not going to take the full-year crown.

Force the last-place team to pay for a league dinner or perform an embarrassing dare (viral video? tattoo? viral video of the loser getting a Justin Bieber tattoo?).

Now here’s an area I understand. After one season of the Kenna we knew Manager of the Month awards alone were not enough to keep lower-ranked managers interested.

In 2006, we introduced a knockout tournament as a side competition to keep the rest of the league interested: the Canesten Combi Cup.

In certain weeks of the season teams are pitched against each other in a UEFA Champions League format. Group stages in Autumn, knockouts in Winter and Spring.

The Canesten, as it became known, has since produced winners from all over the league. Sadly, pharmaceutical giant Bayer pulled sponsorship last year. The competition is now called The Narcozep Cup.

As for last place punishments, the thought of frogmarching the season’s worst manager to a tattoo parlour is an amusing one.

All of a sudden it feels very British, but in the Kenna our only demand on relegated managers is they return next season with a new team name. And of course they have the stigma of relegation, living with the contempt of the rest of the league.

It’s unlikely an English manager would return to the Kenna next season if we pinned him down for a tattoo of Jimmy Savile. But it’s worth running past the Kenna committee.

Let’s stretch the boundaries further with these final three suggestions:

6. Install at least two spots for individual defensive players.

IDPs bring a new vision of fantasy — who’s going to make the most plays on the other side of the ball? It’ll help improve your league’s overall knowledge of football even more than your basic league does.

Does American fantasy football only reward attacking players? If you do, you’re like the English guy in the pub wearing a Real Madrid Ronaldo shirt ‘because I only support winners, yeah’.

Defence is more important to us than a dentist. A dentist’s chair, on the other hand…

7. Award a bonus if an owner’s quarterback throws a touchdown to a teammate also on that fantasy club.

It’d be cool to find a software that could deploy a Stack Bonus, if you will. Nailing a stat-sheet-stuffing QB-WR connection is one of the most rewarding feelings in daily fantasy football, so why not embrace the thrill of Ben Roethlisberger-to-Antonio Brown every week?

You can just about throw average draft position out the window if that happens — another dynamic twist.

I guess this would be the equivalent of Riyad Mahrez assisting a Jamie Vardy goal.

A sticking point here for the Kenna since managers can only sign one player from each Premier League club.

Also because the championship Leicester team looks like getting carved up by the transfer window deadline.

8. Hold a live free-agent auction every Tuesday or Wednesday night.

OK, probably a pipe dream. But imagine how high that Week 1 wonder’s price can climb in Week 2.

Blind bids are cool, but not as fun as an active bidding war. Limit it to one or two rounds, then kick off first-come, first-serve pickups the morning after.

But would fantasy league widows allow this?

Here’s where it’s difficult to maintain enthusiasm and diaries for a 10-month season.

The Kenna holds two transfer windows – in October and February – where managers sign available form players for exorbitant sums.

Released players are sold on the open market, so you only get what another manager is prepared to pay.

Tough if most of your team are injured, have moved abroad or just plain rubbish. But not to worry, it’s another marathon session in the pub and you’ll leave up to date on all the best current affairs jokes in the worst possible taste.

Any other suggestions?

Three.

Panini stickers – I’m sure the US must have Panini sticker books or an equivalent, the ones where you have to collect all the players.

Why not auction off a packet of stickers first. The winning bidder doesn’t know who they’re buying, but can choose from the five players in there. We trialled this successfully at the Jean-Alain Boumsong Euros auction last month.

Forfeits – what happens if someone tries to buy a player they shouldn’t have? Either because they’ve run out of money or they already have player in that position?

This became a common problem early on the Kenna. Usually after several rounds of ale.

We stamped it out fairly quickly introducing the Titus Bramble ruling. Anyone buying an illegal player, or sometimes just attempting to buy one, is given a player instead so bad no one else wants them.

You can see where we tried to formalise the Titus Bramble ruling from page seven of this document.

Be careful with this though. It almost came to blows once.

More booze – the Kenna would never condone irresponsible drinking, but it’s important to keep things loose for what can be a six-hour pub session.

Surprise managers with a compulsory cocktail upon arrival (raise the entry fee to cover it) or introduce random shots of Jagermeister if certain players are drawn. Whatever you do, get managers to mix their drinks.

As a chairman – or commissioner – you’ve failed unless half the league wakes up the day after the auction with a three-day hangover and half a team of chaff they don’t remember signing.

Chairman organises piss up in brewery. Twice.

BEAVERTOWN Brewery could become the new Kenna HQ local after the chairman was spotted drinking there two weekends in a row.

The unorthodox choice is thought to stem from the delicious, cheap beer, which helps visitors overlook they’re spending the best Saturday weather of the year so far in an industrial estate carpark in Tottenham.

Sources close to the chairman say he’s tempted to make the craft beer warehouse a regular haunt.

News the chairman’s head has been turned will come as a blow to Kenna August auction venue hopeful The Westbury in N22.

Just 10 minutes’ walk from Kenna HQ and serving well-kept Brooklyn Lager, The Westbury was widely tipped to become the first pub outside zone 1 to host the auction.

Beavertown’s unusual opening hours – Saturdays only from 2pm to 8pm – are a perfect fit for the Kenna auction, but the lack of rain cover, lack of Sky Sports, lack of hooks under the bar, lack of optics and lack of Scotch egg options are all negatives.

The chairman’s successful organisation of two piss ups in a brewery is being seen as a poke in the chest to those in the Kenna committee who question his abilities to run the league.

“So long as that’s the only place he’s poking us,” said the Young Boys manager.

The chairman refused to be drawn on the subject at this morning’s press conference.

He would only confirm this week’s points would be counted on Thursday, to leave Sunday’s matches alone deciding the Narcozep Cup final between Pikey Scum and Walthamstow Reds.

The latter club made no dent in Young Boys’ lead over the weekend. Reds striker Jermaine Defoe’s performance on Wednesday night is now being touted as the manager’s final throw of the dice in his hunt for a maiden Kenna title, and possibly The Double.

10 reasons to miss the Kenna League fantasy football auction

LONDON’S leading pub-based fantasy football auction takes place this Saturday afternoon.

Those taking part will tell you for the armchair manager it’s a unique experience unlikely to be found elsewhere.

Six hours of fierce bidding and fierce drinking to sign eleven Premier League players in the tried-and-tested 4-4-2 formation.

Last week we looked at reasons why managers should get involved, but what of those who shun the Kenna?

Here are 10 reasons why you wouldn’t take part.

1. You’re a Premier League manager

Jose Mourinho — RDOMINIQUE FAGET/AFP/Getty Images

Surely the reason not to take part in fantasy football management is if you have a job in real football management.

2. The other half is in charge of your diary

You’ve never liked her old school friend. Yet here you are in a rural village at her bloody wedding. Surrounded by people whose interest in football is comparable to the strength of your phone signal. It’s a cash bar three miles from the nearest hole in the wall. You curse your lack of initiative in domestic arrangements.

3. American dentists consider you good sport

How did Cecil the lion have his eggs?

4. You don’t actually like football, you just pretend to because everyone else does.

Chipping into water cooler chats with the occasional ‘Costa is really suited to the English game’ is an easy way to stay in with the crowd. Spending six hours in a pub surrounded by football ‘bantz’ is unfettered torture.

5. Preparation for a slumber party.

Only four days until guests arrive and so much to do: bake cupcakes, buy two extra microphones for SingStar, try on every cotton hot pant/vest combo in the wardrobe before deciding on what to wear. Quite why a potential Kenna manager would invite several teenage girls to a sleepover is anyone’s guess…

6. Death in the family. Close family, mind. A cousin’s pushing it.

Who’s not only selfish enough to die, but gets buried on a Saturday too?

7. You’re an enemy of the Kenna

Whether it’s a gripe over league rules or a throwaway comment about the competence of the committee, several hours of ‘football reeducation’ in a soundproof room beneath Kenna HQ is never far away. The eyes, ears and agents of the manager experiences department are everywhere.

8. You’re a loser.

Even taking part in a fantasy auction in public is too cool for you.

9. A life-changing windfall

Let’s face it: the league’s annual investment in Premium Bonds has less chance of paying out than a Euromillions ticket. If one manager was that lucky winner this Friday, those new-found riches could be just enough to turn the head.

10. A specialist appointment

You tried to find out if you could prove number 10 wrong from last week, didn’t you?

10 reasons to take part in the Kenna fantasy football auction

Next Saturday sees the 11th Kenna League fantasy football auction.

It’s a unique experience. Around 20 managers perched around a pub table, player lists at the ready, trying to make eleven signings in a 4-4-2 formation to win them the league.

In a process that takes up to six hours, alcohol, self-doubt, bluff and double bluff are just some of the challenges managers must overcome.

Where no manager can buy more than one player from each Premier League club, the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling lurks at every turn.

With many already paid up, here are the benefits of taking one of the few remaining places at the table.

1. ManYoo v Spurs and Chels v Swans will be on in the background

For the first time, the auction will take place on the opening day of the season. Managers will have to to decide whether a Carlton Cole brace means he’s a top, top, top, top, top, top player or just plain old CFC (Carlton effing Cole) on a lucky day. Hundreds of other mind-boggling permutations await.

2. You will only have to make transfers twice this season

As Ruud Gullit discovered, football isn’t all bars and discotheques. Expect for Kenna managers, it is. They are only required to visit the pub three times a season to stay in with a shot at the title: the auction and two transfer windows.

3. Proper champagne will be served before the bidding begins

Thanks to the generosity of last season’s cash winners, a toast will be made before the auction to The 1,000-year Kenna. Which is a damn sight longer than this Kenny Rogers wannabe, who looks like he wouldn’t last 1,000 milliseconds.

3. For the next nine months, you can smugly explain the Kenna to wide-eyed, envious simpletons still sucking from the teat of FPL/Mirror/Sky Sports fantasy football

Kenna managers past and present will tell you it’s the superior form of the game. Everyone else is just lining the pockets of media barons.

5. From midday you can start drinking. Heavily.

Your unfathomable thirst has a home. So long as you buy the chairman a drink.

6. The joy of watching other, less-informed managers sign injured players.

Sly glances shoot across the table. Wasn’t he was stretchered off in a friendly last week? He’s out for a few months, isn’t he? But now two people are actually bidding for him. Can everyone keep a poker face until the hammer goes down? The sale. The mirth. The pure relief you checked your initial instinct to bid. ‘He’s injured.’

7. The auction will take place on a balcony with an outdoor telly and a retractable awning so you can smoke without interruption to your bidding tactics.

The old days of crowding around a table bursting with pint glasses, player lists and hedgehog ashtrays are back.

8. At some point someone will Bramble themselves both hideously and comically.

Like the morning session of the first day of at Lord’s, the opening lots are a low key affair. Those assembled bubble quietly. Politely. A slow dramatic build up as managers begin to fill their team sheets and rounds of drinks appear and appear again. The moment will finally come when someone, somewhere buys an illegal player. The stumps clatter, bails fly and everyone shouts ‘BRAMBLE!’. All of a sudden it’s the evening session on the ~~third~~ second day of Edgbaston.

9. Due to other commitments, the treasurer is sending a second who’s never taken part in a Kenna auction before.

Either by carelessness or design, the treasurer is unable to attend the auction in person. In his stead will be a second. A decent enough sort, but by all accounts a Kenna virgin who will spend the first hour wondering what the blazes is unfolding. It remains to be seen whether this recipe will improve on the two third place finishes the treasurer achieved in the last two seasons.

10. At £25, it’s cheaper to enter than most STD-free hookers.

How willing are you to prove this wrong?

Registrations open for 11th Kenna auction

TWENTY places are up for grabs at the Kenna League auction next month.

The 11th Kenna auction will take place on Saturday 8 August in The Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road.

Due to the second-earliest start to the season in Premier League history, Kenna HQ has taken the unprecedented decision to hold the auction on the opening day.

Bidding will begin at 12.45pm to coincide with kick off of the opening game – Manchester United v Spurs.

Managers will have to cope with the added dynamic of events on the pitch influencing events in the pub.

“The venue has a large balcony with a TV screen and a retractable awning. The good old days of sitting around a table covered with pints, player lists and brimming ashtrays are back. Hashtag pressure cooker,” said the chairman, who made the announcement at a launch event alongside the league treasurer (pictured above).

Potential managers are urged to reserve their place by contacting the treasurer to transfer the £25 entry fee.

Tuning in to Radio Luxembourg

Rules will adhere to the accepted Titus Bramble conditions, but there are a few tweaks.

Players to be introduced to auction will be picked at random using cutting-edge technology devised by the chaps in charts and graphs.

Managers not completing their team in the allotted auction time will have the gaps filled at random afterwards, and receive a remaining budget decided by the committee. Most likely this will be the average remaining budget of everyone else.

For those who can’t attend there are two choices:

You can make arrangements with a second to bid remotely.
Applications are open to submit silent bids (see below). Whether your application is accepted will depend on auction attendance numbers (no more than 20) and your commitment to the league.

Silent bidding must be seen as a last resort by managers who cannot attend next month. Anyone submitting silent bids must attend at least one transfer window this season to qualify for next summer’s auction, which they must attend in person.

Silent bids

Successful applicants will pick 11 desired players, attributing a bid to each one. The total bids must not exceed £100m. Bids for individual players can range between £0.5m and £50m. The Titus Bramble ruling will be enforced.

The manager submits the bids confidentially to charts and graphs. When a player with a silent bid attached is introduced to auction, the reserve price and interested manager will be announced, and bidding will start from there.

A silent bidder is unlikely to fill a team. See the paragraph above about non completion.

Contact the chairman for application details.

Transfer windows

Silent bidding is for the auction only. It will not be run for transfer windows.

If you cannot attend a transfer window and cannot bid remotely through a second, any gaps in your team will be filled at random.

The first window will be held on Friday 16 October, the eve of the Premier League restart after the international break.

As tradition dictates, the first Friday after the January window shuts will hold the second Kenna transfer window – Friday 5 February.

Tonight’s transfer list now available

Seagull Alcatraz — Free as a bird: The Kenna transfer list isn’t the only thing to be released today (Yang and Yun’s Album)

From: The chairman
Sent: 17 October 2014, 09:04
To: Kenna League managers
Subject: Player list comes out

Managers,

Like Ched Evans the Kenna transfer window player list is out today.

At the top you’ll find each manager, their available funds and the positions in their teams they need to fill.

Players are grouped into position and ranked by points scored this season. Those in black are unavailable unless a manager decides to make his one surprise release of the evening.

The blue circles are a hangover from the cut-and-shut format job of Kenna HQ weevils. Click the circle to open up the player’s individual stats page on the [national newspaper] site.

Players without a circle are either listed as injured or suspended. Don’t ask why they haven’t got the orange circle. There’s been enough swearing about the blue and orange circles this week to rebuild Billingsgate Market.

Fishy rumours are circulating about the Just Put Carles and Still Don’t Know Yet managers, who have both utterly failed to engage with the Kenna over the transfer window.

Hoxton Pirates and St Reatham FC were granted dispensation from the deadline because:

The Pirates manager was not going to attend the window because he’s taken up ‘Stop-tober’ or ‘Oct-sober’ or some other w@nky agency-inspired charity name. Now he has to spend four hours in a pub buying three average players. How long until he cracks, Brambles himself and resigns?
The St Reatham FC manager emailed early this morning to say ‘I’ve been in San Francisco and not had a chance to email earlier’. Really? San Francisco? The home of Silicon Valley? He then tried to release a player he didn’t even have.

These are the kind of madcap antics that curry favour with the chairman, but be warned: the next window deadline is Wednesday 4 February. Miss that and there’s no respite and no bonus.

Breivik – bring your hammer.

Jack – bring your laptop.

See you in the pub.

The chairman

Hide and groom

Bianca Westwood linkedin — Swiss con: The manager stalks his prey from the Alps using both wifi and Bluetooth

THE St Reatham FC manager has been exposed in a grooming ring which targets female sports presenters just days ahead of the Kenna League season’s crucial first transfer window.

Using a sick alias on social media networking site LinkedIn, the manager was discovered luring unsuspecting Sky Sports broadcaster Bianca Westwood to the page.

In a leaked email the St Reatham boss bragged the journalist’s name was Bianca ‘Betshewood’ and made lewd remarks, calling her ‘little treacle’.

A regular feature on Gillete Soccer Saturday, Westwood complained to authorities but her inane babble was too steeped in popular culture and pseudo-gangsta slang for them to understand.

The St Reatham manager runs the sinister grooming ring from his hideout in Switzerland. He has been on Surrey Constabulary’s top 10 most wanted list since last April, when the battered corpse of Sky Sports News presenter Natalie Sawyer was found on Chobham Common.

It is widely thought the manager is also behind the grimey @SkySportsWomen Twitter account.

The revelations threaten to disrupt St Reatham FC preparations for Friday’s transfer night at the Artillery Arms on Bunhill Row. Injury to defender Geoff Cameron and the form of ‘luxury man’ Hatem Ben Arfa are of considerable concern to a manager still chasing his first piece of Kenna silverware. The side are fifth in the table.

The Kenna HQ doormat has been troubled by letters from four managers ahead of the submission deadline tomorrow (15 October), with a total of 10 players released by clubs through the post. Each manager will attract the £10m bonus kitty.

A further four players were released by an email from the Cowley Casuals manager reading: “Greetings from Beirut – scene of the Casuals’ international break training camp. Unfortunately, I do not have faith enough in the Lebanese postal service to deliver my transfers to Kenna HQ before the deadline. Therefore, here they are in an old fashioned email.”

The limp effort sees the Cowley Casuals manager the minimum £5m bonus.