Hammered: The gavel seen in this picture went missing hours later, along with other auction paraphernalia
KENNA HQ has put out an urgent lost property alert across London after a black taxi disappeared with items essential to the league on Saturday night.
The Bramble Jersey, auction hammer and literally the keys to Kenna HQ among the effects lost following an unusual chain of events on Regent Street at around 11pm.
The chairman and two Kenna managers were making their way from the pre-season fantasy football auction at The Carpenter’s Arms in Marylebone to meet other league members for a debrief at the Empire Casino in Leicester Square.
Disembarking from a London black taxi to retrieve fare payment from a cash machine, the chairman’s party were stunned to find upon return that the cabbie had ‘done one’.
The joy of realising they had skipped a £15 fare was soon overtaken by anxiety when the chairman revealed all the Kenna auction equipment was still in the taxi.
“It was most singular,” the chairman told the Transport for London lost property office this morning. “There was a black bag containing an old HP laptop, a Wigan Athletic Titus Bramble shirt and the keys to Kenna HQ, as well as a wooden wine box holding an Alpine cow bell, a bicycle horn and two decks of pornographic playing cards.
“Aside from the playing cards, these items are of little value to anyone but absolutely essential to the smooth running of the Kenna League auction.”
The incident marred what had otherwise been a great day in celebration of the Kenna’s 10th anniversary auction.
A total of 17 managers battled through a Free Palestine rally to take part in proceedings in the upstairs room of a most welcoming pub The Carpenter’s Arms, with one manager linked live via Skype from Switzerland.
Managers toasted the future success of the league with champagne donated by the FC Testiculadew manager using the winnings from his recent Emerson World Cup win, before the auction started just after 3pm.
For the first time in years, no manager fell foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, although the Greendale Rockets boss came close after being caught in a bid for a second Chelsea player.
All eyes now turn to the coming Saturday, where managers will find out just how ill-judged their auction purchases were.
Final teams will be published over the coming days.
The chairman issued a message to the hasty cabby: “Thanks for the free ride but please hand in these items to the proper authorities immediately, if you haven’t already done so.
“Keep a few of the playing cards for your own delectation if desired, we don’t use these for the auction any more.”
AUGUST is here, which for sports fans both sides of the Atlantic Ocean means it’s time to start preparing for the fantasy football season.
Whether it’s English Premier League, National Football League, association football, American football, soccer, footy or gridiron, the auction – or auction draft as our cousins across the Pond call it – is by far the best way for your league to pick teams – or rosters.
This Saturday (9 August) the Kenna League will hold it’s 10th anniversary auction. Since 2005 the Kenna has held nine Premier League, three World Cup and two Euros auctions, along the way looking to improve the overall experience of what can be a gruelling test for managers, but an even bigger one for organisers.
As more and more fantasy football disciples discover this ultimate format of selecting a team, it seems an ideal time to share our top 10 tips for running a fantasy football auction which will hopefully prove useful whether you’re a dilettante commissioner or veteran chairman.
1. Choose a good venue
Cornerstone: On Saturday the Carpenter’s Arms will become the 17th London pub to host a Kenna event (photo: Bob Walker)
Atmosphere is everything. An environment where managers can focus on the auction for a few hours without distraction is the key. Avoid online auctions at all costs, you want to see the pain on the opposition’s face when they lose out on a target.
Only cricket’s Indian Premier League can shell out to hire an exclusive hotel’s conference room for an auction (and they look dull anyway). YouTube evidence suggests our American cousins find a cheaper option to be someone’s house or garage, but the Kenna League is based in London, a city where flats are small and only Russian oligarchs or Arabian oil sheikhs can afford covered parking.
For the Kenna League there is only one place for an auction, and that’s where the league was born: the pub. Central London has thousands of boozers with function rooms that do just the job, providing a convenient travelling distance for managers across the capital and, crucially, easy access to a licensed bar.
Alcohol is a must. All the better if manager’s can order drinks at the bar while participating in a bid. Shots bring an added dimension and can lead to controversy, but if there’s one thing football supporters love it’s controversy.
Compared to our American counterparts, who appear to set limits up to $200 (£118) for each team, the Kenna is the poor relation. League entry cost just £25 ($42). For some reason in English slang this monetary value is known as ‘a pony’.
Uncle Sam may dismiss this value as trifling, but the advantage of a lower cost is that managers are more likely to enjoy the auction, rather than see it as some sort of medium-term investment opportunity. If you want a meeting with your bank manager about risk averse investment, he’ll tell you to stay away from football. Do yourself a favour and stay away from fantasy football auctions too.
For the Kenna entry fee of a pony, managers receive as assumed £100m budget to buy 11 players, which is more in keeping with the prices footballers fetch in real life.
Those still dismissing the paltry entrance fee must also consider that during the Emerson World Cup auction in June, 16 managers racked up a bar bill of £500 ($845).
3. Set one formation and a player quota
Blank canvas: Each Kenna manager must adhere to the classic, some-might-say out-dated 4-4-2 formation (photo: Alex Hempworth-Smith)
Every manager should be aware from the outset of what formation of players they need to complete their team. In the US, it can be the 2RB-3WR system with it’s quota of quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, tight ends etc.
For the Kenna it’s the classic 4-4-2: one goalkeeper, four defenders, four midfielders and two strikers. Ideally, the ratio should tally with the number of players in that position on the player list.
The Kenna has found an entertaining recipe for an auction to be the one-player-per-club quota, so managers may only have one player from Chelsea, one from Manchester United etc. It means competitors must think hard about who they want from each Premier League club, which can make life extremely difficult (see ‘7. Forfeits’ below).
4. Assign roles and rotate them
Entertainer: The auctioneer must add to the atmosphere (photo: peculiarhand)
The Kenna is lucky enough to have a professional auctioneer in its ranks, but even he could not keep the pace needed to host an engaging commentary for five hours. He also looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, which some people find unsettling when forced to see him for prolonged periods.
Pick anything from three semi-competent managers to take it in turns with the hammer. Likewise, select three or more managers to take it in turns recording sales on a central list or spreadsheet. Rotation means managers will be more engaged in proceedings.
5. Robust admin
Mugged off: Auction organisers not properly recording sales could find themselves facing difficult questions later the evening (photo: Craig Chew-Moulding)
Our American counterparts appear to prefer projectors or large flip charts to share sales with the room. While efficient in someone’s house or garage, it can be difficult managing these items in the pub.
The Kenna is fortunate enough to have the chaps in charts and graphs. They’ve created an Excel spreadsheet to record signings, flag up if a manager has exceeded their budget or player quota and automatically generate a list of completed sales.
Make sure you’re auction has a steadfast method of chronicling events. It’ll come in handy for those ‘I only paid this much for him’ arguments late in the evening.
6. Auction pace
Quick and easy: A bingo-style player draw is the fastest way to pick lots at an auction (photo: CT Young)
Attention levels must be maintained by running the auction at a brisk speed. Meandering bids and long gaps between lots are dull for everyone. Aim for around 45 players per hour. If you can get through one lot a minute you can reward the league with a cigarette break.
The pace can be sped up by introducing a random player draw instead of the tedious process of managers taking it in turns to pick a player. This Saturday the Kenna auction will see around 270 players go under the hammer. The 200 most desirable Premier League players will be drawn from a hat, meaning all managers will find the next player to be drawn of interest.
7. Forfeits
Shaking hands with a muppet: A good forfeit process will ensure those not bringing their A game get snared (photo: Alex Connock)
The Kenna League is too old and wily to believe that any manager bought an ineligible player by accident, particularly after one manager’s unchivalrous behaviour two years ago. Whether it’s too many players in one position or too many from one club, introduce a forfeit system to punish those either cheating or not paying full attention.
The Kenna introduced the Titus Bramble ruling as a forfeit system. Any manager caught transgressing the rules will immediately have the ineligible player removed and replaced with a bogey player from the Titus Bramble squad – a pre-selected list of footballers of questionable quality.
It would be interesting to hear from our American counterparts who they consider to be the Titus Bramble of their league.
8. Auction paraphernalia
Le Maillot Merde: Three times a year the Bramble Jersey is handed to the manager at the bottom of the table.
A printed player list and a pen are all each manager needs to take part. If everyone’s sitting around with their own laptop for six hours casually browsing the internet then all atmosphere is lost and you may as well be at a miserable great uncle’s wake.
Other items the Kenna has found contribute to surroundings include:
The Bramble Bell – an Alpine cow bell stolen from a bar in a French ski resort which is rung whenever administrators spot a Titus Bramble forfeit
The Horn of Africa – a bicycle horn squeezed when a sale is considered to be of poor value or a manager behaves inappropriately, named after The Horn of Africa manager’s decision to resign mid-auction when things didn’t quite go his way
The Bramble Jersey – a Wigan Athletic shirt allegedly worn by Titus himself which must be put on by the manager in last place in the rankings table at any league gathering.
9. Time limit
Bar billiards: Like the traditional pub game, this year the Kenna auction will have a time limit (photo: Matthew Armendariz)
If you organise an auction after work on a weeknight there’s always a risk the pub will shut before everyone’s had a chance to fill their teams.
If you organise an auction on a Saturday afternoon there’s always a risk some manager’s wife will book theatre tickets for the evening because many ladies, erroneously, consider Lion King On Ice more important than a fantasy football league.
Either way, you can be left in the ball ache of a position of having to retrospectively fill teams by email.
This Saturday the Kenna is looking to combat this administrator’s nightmare by introducing a time limit. The chaps in charts and graphs have come up with an ingenious spreadsheet that will automatically allocate remaining players based on desirability and managers’ remaining budgets.
If you don’t want to find yourself sending out lists of available players while nursing an auction night hangover, it’s suggested you find a similar solution.
10. Transfer windows
Serious business: Kenna managers gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn for last season’s February transfer window.
The Kenna meets twice during the Premier League season (early October and early February) for transfer windows. At these events managers sell their unwanted players at auction, and buy available players at auction.
Spice things up a bit by getting managers to submit their players two days beforehand in unusual ways by offering them bonuses for doing so. In the Kenna, the traditional method of sending in transfers by fax or mail attract the largest bonus. Avoid professional couriers, as some managers can just get these on their work accounts.
Conclusion
These are just a few pointers picked up in pursuit of hosting a great auction. We hope you found these tips useful, or at least enjoyed reading them.
Remember the most essential item in putting on the perfect auction is atmosphere. Picture the scene: it’s two hours in, everyone’s had a couple of drinks, teams are filling up, the mockery is flying, bids are flying, managers are starting to forfeit themselves, bells are ringing and one poor sod is sweating into a polyester football shirt.
In the Kenna that golden time is known as ‘The Bramble Hour’. Find it and managers will come flocking back to your league again and again.
YAYA Touré isn’t the only person in football this week to make demands about how things should be presented to him.
A memo leaked from Kenna HQ has revealed the FC Testiculadew manager, whose side won the league and cup double this season, has made a series of requests about how he would like his prize giving ceremony to go, most of which were turned down by a cash-strapped league administration.
First of all the FCT manager, known around the Kenna as the Tactical Brambler, asked for a novelty cheque as he’d ‘never received one and it’d be a great photo opportunity for the league’.
The manager continued: “Regarding the trophy presentation, I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to this, is there any way this can be done as the top of a flight of steps at the pub rather than on the ground floor on a small stage with confetti cannons?”
In turning down many of the FCT manager’s requests, league authorities were quick to point out the fiscal constraints placed upon them by failure of the Dulwich Red Sox manager to pay his £25 entry fee.
The official response said: “When contacted the FA were polite but reluctant to give the green light for a Wembley presentation, and a potential sponsorship deal with Mumm champagne also fell through when talks were at advanced stages.
“Added to that are financial difficulties at the Kenna HQ because one manager didn’t pay his subs.
“In short, the league can provide a pub staircase, handover ceremony and a two-litre bottle of White Lightening, but you’ll have to bring your own cheerleaders.
“We regret to inform you, however, that a novelty cheque is out of the question. The office printer is out of ink.”
The Dulwich Red Sox manager’s pecuniary disinclination has also led to a reduction in prize monies this season.
A Cockney chalkstripe from the Kenna HQ speculations department confirmed: “Manager of the Month awards, which were set at £12.50, have been reduced to an Ayrton.
“The Wenger Trophy has also been reduced from a pony to a Bobby Moore. Considering the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s untimely visit to the Frank Zapper, that makes it the most expensive pony he’s ever had!” he quipped.
FC Testiculadew: £270
Kenna League champions: £150
Canesten Combi Cup winners: £100
Manager of the Month in January and April: £10 x2
Piedmonte: £85
Kenna League runners up: £75
Manager of the Month in November: £10
Other Manager of the Month awards: £10 each August: Sporting Lesbian
September: Headless Chickens
October: Hairy Fadjeetas
December: This is Sparta…Prague
February: Pikey Scum
March: Just Put Carles
May: Still Don’t Know Yet
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart – Kenna League 2013/14
SATELLITE images of what was thought to be wreckage of the missing Malaysia Airlines flight were found floating in the Kenna League this week.
Initially identified as the debris as pieces of MH370, closer inspection revealed them to be at least three mid-table Kenna teams that have made little to no impact this season.
Families of the plane’s missing passengers were dealt a fresh blow when it turned what they thought might be a clue to the whereabouts of their loved ones was actually Rapids de Cullons CF‘s under-performing midfield of Mikeal Arteta, Steven Pienaar, Jonathan de Guzman and Ashley Young.
At the top of the Kenna this week, FC Testiculadew looked to have edged even closer to the trophy on Tuesday after two goals from Edin Dzeko, but last night Piedmonte‘s Steven Gerrard and Mark Noble both found the net to keep the second-placed team’s slender hopes alive.
Sheep shagger: The league treasurer (pictured here) is among a small contingent of Welshmen in the Kenna (photo courtesy of vikingaero)
THE Young Boys of Vauxhall manager has claimed he would have been “Kenna chairman for more than 10 years” had he not been a sheep shagger.
The Welshman makes the claims in an authorised biography serialised by the Sunday Times.
“I believe if I was English, I would have been Kenna chairman for more than 10 years – it’s as simple as that,” said the Young Boys boss, who won the league in 2011 and the Canesten Combi Cup in 2009.
Kenna HQ is aware of the claims but declined to comment.
The manager of Young Boys, who joined the Kenna in 2007 and is now in his sixth year of campaigning, claimed: “I think the Kenna wished I shagged Hereford cattle or Suffolk pigs. I had the credibility, performance-wise, to be chairman.
“There is a ceiling and although no-one has ever said it, I believe it’s made of wool.”
“The chairman now does a rubbish job,” said the Young Boys manager. “It’s embarrassing. I keep asking myself, ‘what have I done?’
“I’ve asked myself many times why I wasn’t [made chairman]. I keep coming up with the same answer. It’s the sheep’s blood on my trousers.”
Detractors claim the comments are sour grapes from the manager, who has become an increasingly bitter and isolated figure with his team’s decline in the last two years, culminating in an outspoken rant at the incumbent chairman in November for changes to the Canesten Combi Cup.
Young Boys sit one place above the relegation zone and are already out of this season’s Canesten.
The other two Welshmen in the Kenna are the Bala Rinas manager – who is also league treasurer – and Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.
A FLEET of Royal Navy ships has been deployed off the north east coast in an attempt to ward off the possibility of further pirate attacks following the brief abduction of a Middlesbrough football player.
Danny Graham had only just transferred to Boro from Kenna League team Still Don’t Know Yet when the incident happened on Friday night.
A pirate raiding party sailed up the River Tees to the club’s Riverside Stadium, where a landing party disembarked, captured the striker, and took him back on board.
However, after realising that Graham was ineligible to play for anyone but Middlesbrough (and useless at football so of little use for ransom), he was swiftly released almost as suddenly as he was captured.
“Yaaarrrrr, t’was an administrative error,” said a pirate spokesman as their ship sailed back towards Somalia.
Road to perdition: The St Reatham FC manager has been wanted by police since Natalie Sawyer’s bloodied corpse was found on Chobham Common in April (photo courtesy of GanMed 64)
SUSPECTED murderer the St Reatham FC manager has admitted he will not be able to attend Friday’s Kenna transfer window in person for fear of being apprehended by authorities.
Speaking from his hideout in Switzerland, the manager said he would have to bid over Skype in the Kenna transfer auction while the heinous crime committed in south east England last year remains unsolved.
Then in charge of Kenna club Woking, the manager was the last person seen with Ms Sawyer after a taking a punditry screen test for Sky Sports News.
A huge fan of Brentford Football Club, it is thought Sawyer was lured by the Surrey man into his car with the promise of showing her some Bees memorabilia.
Many thought the pressure of poor performances in the league, which saw the Woking manager take the Bramble jersey at the transfer window this time last year, had led to him savagely beating the sports anchor to death.
Police later retrieved a tire iron and a Phil Collins CD – both smeared with the manager’s DNA and forensically linked to the crime scene – hidden behind some old training cones at the Woking practice ground.
The St Reatham FC manager said yesterday: “Due to my enforced stay in the non-EU safe haven of Switzerland, I have been unable to send a postcard [with players to be released].
“Until I can prove my innocence I’m confined to Basel. Therefore I will need to Skype in.”
Kenna managers had until today to submit their unwanted players to the league – by post for a transfer bonus of £10m or by any other communication for £5m.
Gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn on Friday evening, managers will fill the gaps in their teams at auction.
Life in the gutter: Razvan Rat looks likely to be released from the Kenna League ahead of this Friday’s transfer window (photo courtesy of gynti_46)
RAZVAN Rat is one of eleven players likely to be jettisoned by his club tomorrow as Kenna League managers prepare for this Friday’s transfer window.
The Romanian defender was signed by Dynamo Charlton in August for £3m, but will surely be given the heave ho having been told to scurry away from the Premier League last week.
Another disappointed rat will be the Dulwich Red Sox manager, who sees his £24m striker Dimitar Berbatov slouch off to the French Riviera.
The Still Don’t Know Yet manager was also given plenty more to complain about as the £20m pair of Yohan Cabaye and Danny Graham went their separate ways.
Floundering at 16th in the Kenna table, the under-pressure manager is the subject of an investigation from the league’s manager experiences department after being caught up in a vicious Twitter rant at the chairman.
Meanwhile, four managers find themselves Titus Bramble tied – they now have two players from the same Premier League club and must release one tomorrow.
FC Testiculadew will surely keep Juan Mata over Rafael, but three other managers find some pretty tough choices to make.
As well as a rat, or lack of a rat, problem, the Dynamo manager has the humdinger of picking between striker Peter Odemwingie and defender Erik Pieters, now both plying their trade in the potteries.
Anders Brievik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager must choose between goalkeeper Allan McGregor or striker Nikica Jelavic. McGregor’s red card makes it likely the Croat will stay.
Bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington, now being managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola since the former boss was sacked just before Christmas, will probably keep regular starter Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer over a crocked Jonas Gutierrez.
Cheerio
Dimitar Berbatov (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox
Yohan Cabaye (£11), Danny Graham (£9m) – Still Don’t Know Yet
Bryan Ruiz (£14m) – KS West Green
Razvan Rat (£3m) – Dynamo Charlton
Philipe Senderos (£2m) – Pikey Scum
Danny Osvaldo (£1.5m) – Newington Green
Bramble tied
FC Testiculadew – Juan Mata or Rafael
PSV Mornington – Jonas Gutierrez or Leroy Fer
Dynamo Charlton – Peter Odemwingie or Erik Pieters
Judean Peoples’ Front – Allan McGregor or Nikica Jelavic
Built like an Alp and ridged like a Toblerone: What forecourt sales patter will charm Kenna managers ahead of this Friday’s transfer window?
‘There’s never been a better time to change your car.’
A lifetime ago when the Kenna chairman prowled the forecourt of a provincial dealership of premium German cars, this was the mantra of the managing director.
He said the phrase so often one likely mechanic went as far as to suggest the MD uttered it to his wife ‘before slipping her one’.
There was much sniggering and raised eyebrows, but after a while the penny dropped. As an opening pitch it was cast iron. It could woo any customer.
Those just browsing were suddenly reminded their current car was losing value every day. Those seriously looking were gently spurred towards the dotted line. Those salivating over the garish demonstrator with all the knobs and buttons whole-heartedly agreed.
But there was an overriding reason this phrase worked so well: everyone turns up to a premium German car dealership in a car.
It seems obvious, but whether it’s another prestige motor, a mass market Volkswagen or a clapped out Ford Scorpio, everyone visiting a premium German car showroom has one thing in common: they’re thinking of an upgrade.
And many are dreamers. If they were shopping for a drive within their means and with hard science, they would be in a Kia garage.
And that’s why shiny foreign cars and are like shiny foreign footballers.
When it comes to those big-money signings, clubs are always looking for an upgrade. They want to say to their fans and to their rivals ‘look at us, we mean business, we’re up there with the best’.
Just like some pinstripe at the top of his game would rather turn up to that important meeting in a BMW 7-series rather than a Kia Ceed.
The Kenna League transfer window takes place this Friday night. Managers will gather in The Enterprise on Red Lion Street looking to inject some fresh football talent into their teams.
Over the last month a selection of shiny foreign imports have filtered into England’s top flight.
Who will Kenna managers go after? Who will fetch the most money at auction?
Of course, there’s no sure way of telling how successful a silky continental striker will be in the Kenna. Take Dani Osvaldo – a failure sure to be released by Newington Reds by Wednesday’s Kenna deadline.
So when it comes to the auction – three pints of strong lager on an empty stomach, the pressure of getting results by May – Kenna managers aren’t going for the Kia Ceed. They don’t care about fuel consumption or seven-year guarantees. They want a Beamer with all the trimmings, with ‘skin, wind and bark’.
Like a car showroom full of eager sales executives, the media is full of managers, new team mates and former teammates expounding the virtues of their latest delivery.
Now is the time that Kenna managers must choose between the flattery and the pad, because that hour of shooting from the hip in the pub on Friday night will define the rest of their season.
There’s never been a better time to change your car.
Strikers
Konstantinos Mitroglu (Fulham): “Eric Cantona was a great, great player – one of the best, but Konstantinos is very strong. I remember watching Cantona on television and he was holding the ball up – that’s the type of player Konstantinos is.” Roy Carroll, former teammate at Olympiakos.
Marco Boriello (West Ham) – “It’s not too difficult to say what we want from Marco – that’s goals and Italian flair.” Sam Allardyce.
Luke De Jong (Newcastle) – ‘He’s a great character and a proven goalscorer who I know is very keen to replicate the prolific form he showed for FC Twente in the Eredivisie.’ Joe Kinnear.
Midfielders
Aiden McGeady (Everton) – “The first time I saw Aiden was in 2007 in an Old Firm game against Rangers. He was special. He was a match winner, playing with his socks down. I love a player who is as good in one-versus-one situations as Aiden.” Roberto Martinez.
Anotnio Nocerino (West Ham) – “Antonio is a link between defence and forward play that makes us more creative in possession and more resilient when we’re out of it.” Sam Allardyce.
Mohamed Salah (Chelsea) – “He reminds me of Robben, the way he plays going from the right wing but going inside left-footed. I hope he is going to be important for us.” Jose Mourinho.
Nemanja Matic (Chelsea) – “Nemanja’s a spider, stealing balls and the way he runs and moves.” Branislav Ivanovic.
Magnus Wolff Eikram (Cardiff) – “He’s a playmaker, a quarterback if you will, someone who likes to get on the ball and can see a pass.” Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.
Kim Kallstrom (Arsenal) – “We identified he would be injured for four to six weeks, so they will pay him for the first six weeks of his wages. There’s a possibility he will not play, but also a possibility he will score a vital winning goal.” Arsene Wenger.
Defenders
Kurt Zouma (Chelsea) – “He’s a player with big potential, physically ready. One thing is to be physically ready, another thing is to be tactically ready. Well done Chelsea.” Jose Mourinho.
Marcos Alonso (Sunderland) – “I watch a lot of Spanish football and I saw him play for Real Madrid. When he joined Bolton, it surprised me.” Gus Poyet.
‘Aerobatic joyriders’: The chairman was heavily critical of the Red Arrows today when they turned down a Kenna flypast request (photo courtesy of Crustyfur)
THE Kenna League chairman launched an astonishing attack on the Red Arrows today after they turned down a flypast request for this summer’s 10th anniversary auction.
The Kenna announced on Tuesday the Royal Air Force Aerobatic Team would be part of the league’s landmark celebrations on Saturday 9 August this year, when they would perform a flypast over the City of London pub where the auction is to be held.
The chairman was forced into an embarrassing u-turn today when a leaked email from the Ministry of Defence revealed 25 blokes on an all-dayer did not meet the strict event criteria demanded for Red Arrows flypasts.
“Red Arrows? Don’t talk to me about the Red f***ing Arrows!” roared the chairman at a press conference called to discuss next Wednesday’s Kenna transfer window deadline.
“Football and pubs. That’s what British society is and that’s exactly what the Kenna stands for: football and pubs. Those aerobatic joyriders wouldn’t know a cornerstone of the British institution if it pinched one off in their cockpit.
“They say flypasts over London by military aircraft are restricted to Royal, state or exceptionally high-profile events. What do those showboaters think the Kenna is? We’ve got nearly 200 followers on Twitter.”
With flypast plans scrapped, the chairman admitted the league was thin on the ground for ideas of how best to mark the 10th anniversary of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.
“If Sepp Blatter turns down his invite, it’s squeaky bum time,” he said.
