’10 for that you must be mad’: Players’ true market values will be reflected at transfer windows
PLANS to introduce a new open market system to Kenna transfer windows were unveiled today.
In what league blazers have smugly branded ‘Jeff’s transfer bazaar’, managers selling players in the season’s two windows will only receive what another club is prepared to pay for them. Previously, managers received the price they’d paid for a player.
The Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department predict the move will introduce a new dimension to the league, with less money sloshing around windows than last season and individual performance deciding a player’s value.
The announcement comes comes 11 days before the annual Kenna auction, where managers will gather in the pub to buy their teams ahead of the English football season.
In a press conference this afternoon in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo, the chairman said: “Managers will have to be a lot more wary of who they outlay the big money on at the auction. You don’t want to be stuck with a £30m out-of-sorts Andy Carroll on your hands, or even worse a Titus Bramble forfeit player.”
A top secret brochure of players to be sold in set order will be distributed to managers immediately before the auction starts – a move away from the traditional method of managers taking turns to pick players at random.
The chairman has hit back at critics of the plan, who think it will lead to less spontaneity: “To improve the auction experience, every manager will have one wildcard pick each, so that they can introduce a player of their own choosing at any stage of the auction.
“Five selected lots will be sold in a first-price sealed bid auction – where potential buyers will secretly write down their maximum bid, with the highest winning.”
No indication was made of who exactly the forfeit players would be for the auction, but Kenna HQ did confirm a 23-strong squad.
Made up of 11 young or loaned out Premier League footballers (The Bramble Youth) and 11 high-profile individuals who have earned notoriety off the pitch (Titus Bramble’s Pub XI), the Titus Bramble squad will be used as bogey players for managers breaking the rules.
Record breakers: In its eight-year history the Kenna has never had a single ginger manager (photo courtesy of D*J*P)
WINNING Kenna teams score 33 points a week and losing ones 22 points, according to league records published today.
Archives show that in the eight football seasons since the Kenna League was founded each player in the winning team picked up three points a week on average – 111 points a season.
Stats also show FC Testiculadew’s ‘Kenna in the bag‘ championship in 2011/12 was the league’s most dominant.
FCT romped home a record 129 points ahead of the pack, were the highest scoring team ever and clocked up the best ever Manager of the Month performance: 251 points in January 2012.
Vasco De Beauvoir hold the golden boot record with 80 goals scored during their double-winning campaign of 2009/10.
Enjoying considerably less renown are the Fat Ladies, who two seasons after winning their 2007/08 Kenna crown pulled out the worst league performance in history, finishing 205 points adrift.
In the same year, Dynamo Temple ended the defence of their Kenna championship by picking up just four dismal points in May’s Manager of the Month contest.
Kenna managers will hope to be breaking these records when they assemble in a London pub to attend the annual auction next month ahead of the English football season.
THE FORMER manager of Vasco De Beauvoir has been announced as the best ever to compete in the Kenna League.
Despite getting sacked in two months ago after leading the side to relegation for the first time in an eight-year career, the Vasco manager tops the charts through winning two league titles and two Canesten Combi Cups since the Kenna was founded in 2005.
The Worcestershire man also holds 11 Manager of the Month (MOTM) awards, the league record.
The Young Boys, FC Testiculadew and Dynamo Temple managers – all with one league championship and one cup apiece – will be mindful that they could take top spot in the all time stats if they scoop the double in the upcoming season.
Yes, you can retrain: The Dan Terry Seduction manager took a vocational route out of the Kenna
Kenna managers past and present with at least two campaigns’ experience were ranked against each other on leagues won, cups won, podium finishes and MOTM awards.
The veteran managers of Piedmonte and Newington Reds, the only others apart from the Vasco gaffer to compete in all eight Kenna seasons, find themselves down the rankings with just two podium finishes each and no silverware.
The Devils boss, who led the club between 2006 and 2010, is the highest ranked female manager with one podium finish. A condescending and cringe-worthy corporate awards ceremony involving flowers and chocolates awaits.
The former Vasco manager, who is also the Kenna League chairman, said: “To be fair, if I hadn’t always had a feeling that two championships and two cups meant I was the best ever Kenna manager, I probably wouldn’t have spent so much time working out the damn stats to prove it.”
Rumours abound as to which team the chairman will manage in the new term. Westgreenspor, Eintracht Mind, Getoverit 96 and Total Network Failure have all be linked to the former Vasco boss.
The publication of ‘Jeff’s hall of fame’ comes 25 days before the ninth annual Kenna auction, where managers will gather in a London pub to buy their teams in preparation for the Premier League season.
Homework: Kenna managers are advised to familiarise themselves with the best 14 players from each Premier League club (photo courtesy of CarlosVaZquezCHJ)
MANAGERS preparing for next month’s Kenna auction have been warned to ‘do their homework’ as competition for players will be at an all time high.
Around 25 managers have expressed their interest in entering this season’s contest, a 25 per cent increase on last year’s record membership.
Top footballers are anticipated to attract sky high bids – while even prices for those of middleweight quality are predicted to swell – compared to previous auctions.
At the unveiling of the new player list this afternoon, exactly one calendar month and a day before the auction, the Kenna chairman said: “It used to be that quality players came to England from around the world and managers could get lucky at the auction.
“If they want to be competitive this season managers had better do their homework. As membership of the Kenna has gone up over the years we’ve seen more money spent on the most desirable players, and we expect this trend to continue. This auction will be harder, better, faster, stronger and more drunken than anything that’s come before.
“Whereas Sergio Aguero fetched a record £40m last August, we expect him to go for a lot more than that this year as managers come face to face with the task of securing the best talent.
“The maths is simple: if 25 managers attend next month’s auction it will take 275 players to fill all the teams. That means an average of nearly 14 players from each Premier League squad will go under the hammer.
“It won’t just be English players fetching a premium. Continental Europeans, South Americans, Africans and even Asians will cost a fair coin, and there’s always something about US players that makes them popular.”
Sharp exit: The chairman was last seen speeding away in a 1992 Mercedes 190e after announcing a league entry fee increase (photo courtesy of Spottedlaurel)
The ninth annual Kenna auction will take place in a London pub on 10 August, one week before the start of the Premier League season.
Each manager will start with £100m to buy their eleven players in a 4-4-2 formation.
Two opportunities to keep teams fresh will be offered during the campaign, at transfer windows in October and February.
At this morning’s press conference, the chairman refused to be drawn on rumours of a new open market transfer window system for the 2013/14 season. Confirmation is expected in the next few weeks.
The chairman did put down reports the auction was to be broadcast on Radio 5 Live.
“We thought with the turmoil and BBC evolution (or, whatever, revolution) 909 medium wave might be interested in buying the rights, but it turns out it clashes with a cricket contest we’ll all be glued to anyway. We probably should have pitched it to niche broadcasters – you know how these people in digital love something different.
“Oh yes, and did I mention the entry fee rise? No? I thought I did. Oh well, one more time: we’re putting up the entry fee to £25 per manager,” said the chairman, as he climbed into the back of the league’s executive prestige car just before it sped off.
THERE ARE two reasons why I always found it hard to believe my dad met Eusebio.
The first reason was that he hates football and I would never have suspected him of ever being in the vicinity of any stadium not showing rugby or cricket.
But when I was 15 he returned from a holiday in the Algarve claiming to have been to a Champions League quarter final. I was gobsmacked. Even when he produced hard evidence I wouldn’t have any of it, until my mum corroborated the story.
The Benfica 1995 squad: Upon his return from a 13-month ban for cocaine use Benfica was the first club for Claudio Caniggia (the new romantic on the back row)
Flicking through the programme for the 1995 second leg between Benfica and Milan was awe inspiring. We wouldn’t get the internet at school for another year, and as Scott Murray pointed out last week, back then exposure to foreign football was restricted to international tournaments, Channel 4’s Football Italia and the odd game involving underwhelming English teams.
Claudio Caniggia, Paulo Bento, Joao Pinto, Marcel Desailly, Zvonimir Boban, Paolo Maldini, Franco Baresi and Dejan Savicevic. My dad watched them live in Benfica’s Estadio da Luz. My bloody football-apathetic dad!
Pop quiz: When was the last time the Champions League group stage contained no more than one club from each country?
Before watching Europe’s elite lock horns in what turned out to be a 0-0 draw, the group my dad was with had enjoyed a meal where the club legend Eusebio is reported to have pressed the flesh.
On this point Mum emphatically did not back him up, which brings us to the second reason why he’s unlikely to have met one of the greatest footballers ever to have played.
Who?: At the time Gianluigi Lentini was the most expensive transfer in the world
When I was six I innocently asked the old man if one could ‘eat the red bit off the Edam’. Without missing a beat he coolly responded that you could.
Not having regular contact with that most delectable of Dutch semi-hard cheeses I naively bowled through life for over a decade until one fateful moment at a dinner party.
A couple of minutes after the cheeseboard was produced, merrily munching away I realised everyone was staring.
Asked if I’d eaten ‘the wax’ I replied: “What? Oh that bit. My dad said it wouldn’t kill you.”
Cue laughter, and a story I’ve just come to accept.
RTL wins hands down for the best host broadcaster logo
A couple of weeks ago I visited Lisbon for the first time and took a tour of Benfica’s ‘Stadium of Light’.
I contemplated the tactics board in the away dressing room, walked out of the players’ tunnel, posed for a mock press conference and got up close to the two bald eagle mascots who live behind one of the goals. Well worth 12 euros.
Outside the ground I stood next to a statue of club legend Eusebio, an act which, I still believe, brought me closer to the Black Panther than the old man ever got.
Many have walked the well trodden paths of Thames pub crawls along the banks at Hammersmith, around Greenwich and even through Bermondsey, but the decision was made to give a unique, edgier take on this old cliché.
A plan was resolved upon: three pubs in Greenwich, a short ride on board a Thames Clipper and a stroll through Southwark up to Tower Bridge.
On Saturday 13 April 2013 a group of determined souls met in Greenwich just after 1pm with the itinerary below. Photos have been anonymised to avoid reprisals.
The Cutty Sark Tavern, Greenwich
Trafalgar Tavern, Greenwich
The Gipsy Moth, Greenwich (followed by a boat trip up the river)
Wibbly Wobbly, Surrey Quays
The Ship and Whale, Rotherhithe
The Clipper, Rotherhithe
The Blacksmith’s Arms, Rotherhithe
Old Salt Quay, Rotherhithe
The Mayflower, Rotherhithe
The Angel, Rotherhithe
The Anchor Tap, Tower Bridge
Treasure map: The walking crawl included a short boat trip between The Gipsy Moth and Wibbly Wobbly
The Cutty Sark Tavern: The outside the pub group photo was back
Agreement was never reached on whether the Georgian architecture of this pub warranted the amount of money charged for sausage rolls.
There was a good crowd, a few families, enjoying lunch and the beamed interior at 1pm. Picnic tables outside by the Thames proved adequate seating underneath the greying sky.
Binksy had one hanging on him and reports came through before his arrival that he was sick running for the train. Crawlers were quick to point this out when he turned up.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Pretentious and expensive menu (no burgers!) but tidy bar staff.”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Do we get to go on a bus on this crawl?”
The Trafalgar sits like a fortress on the banks of the river. Fortunately, it was penetrable and offered wooden floors, views of the river and what an estate agent would call a ‘well-appointed’ interior.
Lots of photos of an historic British naval theme inside. Admiral Nelson features heavily. A French provincial would enjoy this place as much as Nick Griffin would enjoy taking Napolean in his mouth.
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Pretentious (but nice) potato wedges took too long to arrive.” One gets the feeling Sutcliffe would find eating with a knife and fork ‘pretentious’.
Vicki the bus spotter said: “I’ve been mis-sold this crawl. I thought there would be buses.”
The Gipsy Moth: You haven’t got the power, you haven’t got the touch
The epicentre of Greenwich? The throng of people in here probably more due to its location between the market and the rebuilt Cutty Sark rather than its strengths as a pub.
A quick meal break in front of the Cutty Sark
Walk through the front bar and it opens out into semi-conservatory style area.
It’s a pity to think this kind of boozer is the image of a traditional London pub many tourists take home.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Pretentious (i.e. small) macaroni cheese.”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Binksy had to go on to the bloody Mary the cure the hangover.”
The boat queue, Greenwich
Queue rum: A miscalculation of ferry times resulted in a wet wait
Thames Clippers run regularly, but as the mantra goes ‘no one every plans to fail, they only fail to plan’. It turned out rather than bowling on board, London Oyster cards had to be used to buy tickets from a booth.
To cut a long story short, a 20-minute wait in the drizzle was overcome with the boat drinks.
The boat, River Thames
“They are all having far too a good time to notice if one of those girls disappears,” mused the sinister man at the back of the boat.
The boat trip from Greenwich to Greenland Pier takes around 10 minutes. Ample time to have a drink and hack off all the other passengers…
“That photographer looks like a fat Peter Sutcliffe. Pervert,” she reasoned.
Wibbly Wobbly: What a pair of charity collection tins
If a sign outside a pub says ‘No work wear’ then it’s safe to assume there are building sites nearby. So what conclusions can be drawn of the surrounding community’s socio-economic make up if the sign says ‘Tops must be kept on inside the bar’?
Karaoke with Dave the Rave – every Sunday from 3pm
The growing inclemency of the weather meant all tops were on, but did little to dampen the spirits in this welcoming boozer on board a boat moored in Surrey Quays.
The ceiling around the bar was covered in foreign currency, Binksy’s cue to show off his exotic trillion dollar bill. The barmaid smiled for the camera and afterwards asked him to pay in sterling.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Nice Cockney boozer. Probably best to avoid on Millwall match days.
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Nice maps on the ceiling! Rough as hell but very amusing. We all kept our tops on.”
When a pub plays Heart radio from a late 90s television, one can expect all the other trappings of a proper London locals’ boozer, such as a man in a flat cap playing the fruit machine and the dip in conversation when a bunch of half-cut strangers enter.
Plenty of regulars were in early doors and a convivial atmosphere quickly resumed.
The Spartak Mogadishu manager finally arrived with an excuse that will go down in the annals of history: “I forgot where south London was.” Quite how his fellow countrymen command such terror on the high seas is anyone’s guess.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Fags behind the bar for £8.50. Don’t look anyone in the eye.”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Dodgy pub – nice maroon carpet. A bit like the Duke of Sussex in Waterloo. The Spartak Mogadishu manager finally managed to grace us with his presence.”
Tudor building, possibly mock, with wood pannelling and an island bar. A big screen showing something we could have never planned for: Millwall in an FA Cup semi final.
Some of the initial party were starting to struggle with pints, evidenced by the switch to shorts in areas of the round.
Grumblings about the price were heard.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Surprisingly posh (and expensive). Used to have a beer garden but now full of junk.”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “£5.45 for a pint of Peroni!”
The Mayflower: Quite unprepared for our kind of party
Everyone was looking forward to this place, and the pub itself didn’t disappoint. Curious articles on the wall and a decked terrace right over the river make it a must visit.
Crawlers found a big table to sit around and, as more had joined the ranks, one by one gave a short introduction of themselves.
When it turned out that two of the girls both had freakish long tongues, the day’s refreshments turned into open raucousness.
Three times were the party told to ‘keep it down’, which marred the visit but the not the mood.
Nights of the rowdy table
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Full of grumpy locals and landlord who kept asking us to keep the noise down on a Saturday night. WTF?”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Best pub of the day. Very cute but we did get shushed a lot.”
The Angel: Blaxploitation’s answer to Harry Potter photobombed
When it turned out the Angel had a fireplace and wand-like poker, one crawler’s scarf was pressed into action for Harry Potter impressions. Don’t judge, if it wasn’t for the photos no one would have remembered it.
Talk about a rabble…
Lord alone knows what the assembled locals thought, but when the Spartak Mogadishu manager spilled his drink everywhere the landlord made him clean it up, much to general amusement.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Sam Smith’s and landlord makes the Spartak Mogadishu manager clean up his own spillages.”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Do like a Sammy Smith’s pub!
The Old Justice: Battered seafood and rice wine. Appalling, but free
On the Sunday morning recce a few weeks beforehand the Old Justice had looked shut for years, but as crawlers stumbled along the river towards Tower Bridge it was open and it seemed churlish not to pop in for one.
Palts the Balt pauses for a quick tourist snap of Tower Bridge
Without a doubt the strangest pub all day. The staff consisted of a landlord and hoardes of Asian women, who served our drinks and then gave us plates and plates of battered seafood and a free shot of rice wine.
No one was entirely sure what was happening, but everyone was glad to move on.
Crawlers’ pub comments
Fat Peter Sutcliffe said: “Oriental money laundering front with hookers out back on request (POA). Free room temperature scampi, onion rings and salmonella washed down by nasty rice wine.”
Vicki the bus spotter said: “Cold battered fish and odd sake!”
A bus stop on Old Kent Road: I’d like to ass you a few questions
Forever dedicated to exploring new pubs the crawlers went on to enjoy more cheer at Village East on Bermondsey Street.
Recollection is sparse. Afterwards it was marveled at how we got into this marginally upmarket bar.
Life tasted good. We were pioneers of the first ever recorded pub crawl from Greenwich to Tower Bridge, and it included a maritime adventure. We were proud descendants of our country’s finest naval heroes. We were Sir Francis Drake singeing the King of Spain’s beard at Cadiz. We were Admiral Nelson smashing through the French at Trafalgar. We were… desperately trying not to fall asleep on the night bus home.
Spot the Luger: The Chairman claims he was never in the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw
THE KENNA League has been accused of taking a ‘back of a fag packet’ approach in the wake of a cup results controversy.
On Tuesday Kenna HQ published aggregate scores of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals which were immediately called into question.
Sporting Lesbian were initially believed to have beaten Just Put Carles after their match at The Gash. It now appears that result was wrong and JPC will progress.
The Spartak Mogadishu manager also claims that his team had no chance of beating Northern Monkeys. Both goal counts are to be reviewed.
The league has come under severe criticism surrounding the matter, with the Chairman’s official visit to Poland pinpointed as the reason for the oversight.
Rumours abound that instead of attending to Kenna business the Chairman was making ‘guess where I am’ phone calls to his mates from the duty office of the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw.
“You can shine a desk lamp in my face and kick me in the knackers with a jackboot, but I’ll keep telling you the same story: what with eating a strange mixture of cabbage and pickled herring at mealtimes, and drinking myriad shots, I’ve had my hands full,” said the Chairman, who isn’t any less of a man for discovering a taste for quince vodka.
“You must appreciate that I’ve had no access to Microsoft Excel for a week, something the Headless Chickens manager will understand, and when I return to Kenna HQ all will be resolved.
“Right now I’ve got three more days of Poles giggling as I attempt to communicate with them in their native tongue.”
Face off: Emanuel Pogatetz was booked 20 times in 2006
EMANUEL Pogatetz has snatched the spotlight ahead of tonight’s transfer window as competition for his signature reaches fever pitch.
As managers make the traditional preparations of a Cornish pasty and quick internet search before attending this evening’s auction at Trafalgar Square hot spot The Two Chairmen, pulses throb at the commitment and passion the Austrian defender, known as ‘Mad Dog’, can bring to any side.
Hairy Fadjeetas and Still Don’t Know Yet are both reported to be in the chase, with the manager of the latter team has jettisoned Gary O’Neil and Carl Jenkinson to make way for Pogatetz.
Quizzed by hacks outside the Undecided Road stadium about his decision to keep Turkey-bound defender Anton Ferdinand, as well as absentee goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager said through his rolled down car window: “Anton’s a mere detail. Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”
After the midweek games, the club slipped down the table to one place above the relegation zone (latest table below).
As for Emanuel Pogatetz, his Kenna credentials are beyond dispute. In the January 2008 he joined The Trinny Men (whose manager is now at Bala Rinas), helping the team to last.
Follow the action from tonight’s Kenna transfer window live on @jeffkennaleague
Free agents – headlines
Shane Long scored this week just hours after being released by Woking. The Irishman is likely to be starting every game now that Wandsworth Window Licker Peter Odemwingie is living in his 4×4 in west London.
PSV Mornington has chosen the magic of Mata over the boundless goal-scoring of Demba Ba.
Daniel Sturridge is back on the market after being released by Just Put Carles, who also scrapped Danny Welbeck.
Fernando Torres could go for a cut-price fee after being handed his P45 by the Newington Reds manager.
For full details of released players and available budgets for each team click here or check the The Rub (top right of this page).
In the grand scheme of things, $45US may seem like a drop in the ocean, but as the starting price for a counterfeit Mexican club football top it was high. Too damned high.
It was a Chivas shirt, red and white stripes with ‘Toyota’ across the shoulders and the irresistible logo of mass bakers ‘Bimbo’ on the front.
There was neither name nor number on the back, and in this regard it failed in any attempts to become a prized asset. An opening offer could be reckless, and introduced itself at five bucks.
Taking it as the usual jest of a holidaymaker haemorrhaging cash on Playa del Carmen’s main drag, the vender dropped to 42. When his customer stuck to five, the pidgin pleasantries ended.
“I don’t give these away for free! Especially to a cheapskate like you!” was, one thought, in poor taste considering the trifling wages of underage sweatshop workers I’d just pointed out.
For the casual reader wondering why the hell one would take such a bearding as this for a fake piece of polyester, it’s difficult to explain just how integral a part these tops are to the game’s culture.
Latin America’s landscape is just as much characterised by rich, tropical vegetation, breathtaking mountain panoramas and faded beer marketing as it is by a weatherbeaten campesino wearing a number 10 Carlos Valderama shirt.
Parallels with some tattooed chancer in Chelsea ‘home’ sounding off in a Surrey pub are soon forgotten in the heat, tinny salsa music and desperately-cheap rum cocktails.
Many tourists buy wooden masks or moody silver trinkets, but to take home a mid-90s Campos, a Club América Blanco or a River Plate Ariel Ortega is to have a much more tangible slice of a country’s aspirations, reverence and achievement. Advertising is also a lot more unrestrained and a lot less ethical than European counterparts.
Back in the tat shop on the Caribbean coast things were turning nasty.
“This shirt is professional. It’s good quality, not like this cheap crap that you wear,” said the Mexican sales assistant tugging at my t-shirt to a generous offer of $15US.
I forgave the slight to French Connection and soldiered on. I’d already been ejected from one shop in similar circumstances, but I couldn’t help feeling sorry for these guys. They wouldn’t last 10 minutes in Marrakech.
I tried to pick up the bits of good will smashed on the floor by going to twenty, just to give him a chance, but the train of overweight gringos thronging along Avenida Quinta had irrecoverably altered market conditions. I wouldn’t be held to ransom.
From Rome to Cartagena the equivalent of £15 was the most these things would ever be worth, and no one in their right mind would give even half of that for this Chivas disaster. I always thought there’d be plenty of other chances.
However, that was a week ago and despite having visited a good many more places on the Yucatán peninsula since there’s been a hearty lack of football shirts for sale.
Just two full days remain and it feels more and more unlikely that an opportunity will present itself on the current schedule, and as sure as eggs is eggs I’m sure not stooping to a Manchester United Chicharito effort.
Out of ideas: Despite the club’s Head of Ideas working tirelessly at the photocopier, the Reds gaffer was at a loss
IN-FORM forward Moussa Dembele shrugging his shoulders in utter confusion and pulling a face after getting the boot from Newington Reds.
A life-sized cardboard cut out of Luka Modric holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher being dumped in the skip behind the club shop at Spartak Mogadishu’s Spyglass Hill training facility.
A clip of Yohan Cabeye on a French television light entertainment show putting an effigy of the Woking manager made entirely of garlic bread into a guillotine.
These are some of the images we’d like to bring you from this week’s transfer deadline day, but instead the best on offer is this picture of the Newington Reds manager struggling to get the club’s creaking infrastructure into action.
“I’ve tried sending the request through four times on the office fax, and a further three times on an internet-based free fax service but it just won’t work,” said the Reds boss late on Tuesday night, pinpointing exactly why it wasn’t working.
The legal team at Kenna HQ were beginning to research how many fax-based emails from one manager would constitute harassment when in waded the Chairman.
“It’s obvious the Newington Reds manager has done his best to complete transfer business well before the deadline and he’s provided evidence of his attempts to do so by fax, so we’ll award him the £10m transfer-fund bonus,” he said.
Upon discovering the girl in the background of the photo was the club’s Head of Ideas, the Chairman was not so magnanimous.
“I’ll give you an idea, love: get a new, bloody fax machine!” he said.
Tonight’s transfer window
This evening managers will go head to head at auction to fill the gaps in their teams. Bonuses for submitting transfers on time earlier this week by fax machine mean the small number of available players tonight will go for vastly inflated fees.
Managers can pick Premier League footballers from two separate lists, but may not buy back anyone they’ve released:
The Unsigned – Not recruited by any club in August’s pre-season auction, these players are still available.
The Journeymen – Deemed surplus to requirements, these players find themselves back on the market.
New signings will begin scoring points for their new clubs next weekend.
