Transfer deadline day – just four hours left!

Jermaine Defoe and Louis Saha playing paper, scissors, stone to see who’ll stay at PSV Mornington.

Vedran Corluka’s personal belongings being thrown out of a first-floor, terraced-house window by a teary-eyed Polonia Forsyth boss.

Andrey Asharvin in a cravat and smoking jacket telling the Hairy Fadjeetas gaffer “I go Mother Russia where make small tax and cheap car insurance”.

Just some of the footage we’d like to bring you today ahead of 12pm’s transfer submission deadline.

Instead, it’s the picture of the half-dressed girl with the developed quad again.

And Jim White making a rac1st slip of the tongue on live television.

“If you want to do business on Friday night send in your unwanted players by 12pm, otherwise you won’t be doing any business on Friday night,” said the Chairman while mixing cement in a disused warehouse.

Wednesday deadline for transfer submissions

Managers have until 12pm on Wednesday (1 February) to submit their unwanted players.

Submissions can be made directly to the Chairman or by emailing [email protected].

Bidding will begin for available players next Friday at the second, and final, transfer night this season at 7.30pm.

The rules remain the same as for the first transfer night.

“This is the first ever Kenna event on a Friday and we’re excited,” said the Chairman, before dismissing claims that television scheduling had forced the administration’s hand.

“I must remind you that any manager found re-signing someone who has previously played for them this season will incur the Titus Bramble ruling. We look forward to finding someone who didn’t read this far.”

A clutch of top-scoring available players can be found below.

Strikers

S Morison (Budgies) – 93
The Yak (Yakburn) – 90
Danny Graham (Swans) – 87
Holt (Budgies) – 78
Helguson (QPR) – 77

Midfielders

Richardson (Mackems) – 62
Ryan Taylor (Toon) – 62
J Allen (Swans) – 54
Formica (Blackburn) – 52
Jordi Gomez (Wigan) – 51

Defenders

Heitinga (Everton) – 49
Bardsley (Mackems) – 44
Hibbert (Everton) – 43
Senderos (Fulham) – 43
McAuley (WBA) – 43

Goalkeepers

Lindegaard (Man U) – 39

Carry on bunga

After a shaky start, defending champions Young Boys are making progress up the table.

Their autumn run is largely being attributed to the team’s fitness, and behind this is the recent appointment of a new club matron, Biffa Daley.

Under her firm hands the first team’s performances have grown solid, and her presence offers plenty of relief in the manager’s office.

However, rumours abound that her recruitment took place at the Young Boys Halloween bunga bunga party.

“I don’t know where these rumours have come from. I feel victimised,” said the Young Boys manager.

Another boss feeling beleaguered is the Spartak Mogadishu manager, who had a spurious excuse for the continuance of this season’s car crash last weekend.

“Me crew be distracted by a nearby fireworks display,” he shantied.

Window smashes records

More Kenna records were left as smashed as the managers last night as the transfer window attracted 14 bidders.

In a pressure-cooker atmosphere behind some thick curtains in the upstairs of a Piccadilly pub, 13 managers packed in for business.

The Thieving Magpies manager offered some applied phone bidding. Kevin Doyle and Gabriel Obertan were his reward.

Colonel Gaddafi and Vincent Tabak sadly couldn’t make it.

League leaders FC Testiculadew (pronounced ‘Test-ick-you-lah-joo’, didn’t you know?) picked up in form attacker Juan Mata for £31m, much to the concern of those present.

Emmanuel Adebayor attracted the biggest price tag as the Pikey Scum boss recovered from his night inside to stump up £43m.

“An excellent evening and well attended,” said the Chairman. “Managers should remember that their new players will only start to score points from next weekend.

“Those not present who needed players can be assured there was an open and transparent process to fill the gaps in their teams.”

Full details, and the results of the Cannestan Combi Cup draw, will be published soon.

Top five most expensive window signings

Emmanuel Adebayor – £43m (Pikey Scum)
Juan Mata – £31m (FC Testiculadew)
Gabby Agbonlahor – £22m (Bala Rinas)
Phil Jones – £22m (Newington Reds)
Leon Best – £16m (Headless Chickens)

A Mata of expedience

A record 75 players were culled this week as managers attempt to improve their team’s chances ahead of tomorrow night’s transfer window.

FC Testiculadew’s Jose Bosingwa and Bala Rinas’s Andrey Asharvin were among the high-profile names to contraversially find a P45 in their pigeonholes yesterday, as their respective managers deemed them surplus to requirements.

“Bosingwa’s made one of his best starts to any season. He has the odd wobble, but in that position he’s the best player we’ve got and he just signed a new contract,” said the Chelsea fan in the office in a rare moment of reasoned analysis.

There was scandal surrounding the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who in a leaked communique entitled ‘sweeping changes’ described his team as an “underperforming bunch of tossers”. The club released six players.

The Pikey Scum boss went one better, releasing seven signings back into the pot, including Bacary Sagna.

Just Put Carles, who currently lie second in the table, were the only team not to release any players.

Below is a list of footballers, rightly or wrongly, discharged by managers.

On the right, find a document entitled ‘Available players’, split into positions and ordered in points scored.

Players released by Kenna clubs
In no particular order

1. FC Testiculadew
Maicon
Ireland
Lennon
Bosingwa

2. Newington Reds
Rio Ferdinand
Michael Dawson
Kolo Toure
Marc Albrighton
Grant Holt

3. Pikey Scum
Gomes
Sagna
Alex
Emerton
Petrov, S
Carroll
Beckford

4. Spartak Mogadishu
Carlos Teves
Jay Bothroyd
Cesc Fabregas
Ryan Nelson

5. Lurliners
Ivanovic, B
Zabaleta, P
Rodriguez, M
Dong-Won, J
Doyle, K

6. Vasco De Beavoir
Sneijder
Ebanks-Blake
Shittu

7. Hairy Fadjeetas
Djourou
A Hughes
Pienaar
Miereles
Kevin Davies

8. Lokomotiv Leeds
Heitinga
Wilshere

9. Polonia Forsyth
Rodallega
Fabianski
Essien

10. Dan Terry Seduction
Pennant
Squillaci
Kyrgiakos

11. Young Boys
Huth
Rafael
Jerome Thomas
K Richardson
DJ Campbell

12. PSV Mornington
Aurelio

13. Headless Chickens
Lee Chung-Yong
Berbatov
Kalou
Enrique

14. Dynamo Charlton
Phil Neville
Etuhu
Giggs
Gyan

15. Judean Peoples’ Front
G Johnson
Bramble
Berra
Taarabt
Valencia
Heskey

16. Superfuzz
S Harper
Higginbotham
Senderos
Diaby

17. Bala Rinas
Owen
Super Pav
Bardsley
N’Somnia
Asharvin

18. Thieving Magpies
Vermaelen
Gera
K Dyer
Bilyaletdinov
Kenwyne Jones

19. Just Put Carles
No transfers

Transfer deadline day – just three hours left!

Jim White being filmed arriving at the Sky Sports studios to take us to the big moment.

Footage of the Spartak Mogadishu manager making Carlos Tevez walk the plank while jabbing him in the back with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.

A clip of the Polonia Forsyth manager in a chintz dressing gown waving off Hugo Rodallega at her front door.

These are just some of the images we’d like to bring you as the close of submissions for the first transfer window approaches at midday today.

Instead, because of copyright restrictions, all we can provide you with on this momentous occasion is an abstract photo representing what opportunities await as we peep through the window.

For some, transfer night will bring goals, assists, clean sheets and most importantly points to managers looking to press on over the winter period.

For most, Thursday night will end in despair, desparation and the big-money signing of a player you’d never heard of at the pre-season auction.

Find below a list of the top five players in each position not to be part of the Kenna yet this season.

Strikers

Agbonlahor – 39 points
Adebayor – 35 points
Di Santo – 33 points
A Johnson – 31 points
Long – 31 points

Midfielders

Mata – 30 points
Pilkington – 27 points
Eagles – 25 points
B Johnson – 25 points
Diame – 23 points

Defenders

P Jones – 37 points
A Williams – 29 points
S Taylor – 26 points
J Evans – 25 points

Goalkeepers

Vorm – 29 points
Begovic – 28 points
Krul – 26 points
Rudd – 7 points
Lindegaard – 6 points

Once all transfer submissions have been made, a full list of available players will be shared in the next two days.

Quick guide to transfer night

George W Bush — "Dempsey, go big on Dempsey!"

The rapidly-approaching transfer window means a tin-pot guide to bringing in new personnel is in demand.

Transfer nights work in the same way as auction nights, but take a lot less time.

Here are the key points:

Submitting transfers

A manager should submit the players they wish to release by midday on Tuesday (18 October). They can do this confidentially by emailing the Chairman (either personally or through [email protected]) or messaging him on Facebook. The manager recieves the amount paid for each released back, which goes towards their transfer night budget.

Example: the Vasco De Beauvoir manager releases Sneijder (£0.5m), Ebanks-Blake (£2m) and Sh1ttu (£0.5m). He gets a total of £3m back.

Forced transfer submissions

If a player has moved Premiership clubs since the pre-season August, so that a manager has two players from the same club in their team, they must release one of those players. Managers unable to attend the transfer night must still release one of these players (see ‘Attendance’ below).

Example: because Luke Young moved from Villa to QPR, the Vasco manager has two QPR players (Young and Sh1ttu). As manager he must release either one. In this case Sh1ttu.

Budget

The amount received for released players is added to the amount the manager had left over after auction night. This will be their transfer night budget.

Example: the Vasco manager adds the £3m for the released players to the £22m leftover from auction night. This leaves a total transfer kitty of £25m.

Available players

The released players will be added to all the players not signed at the August auction night.

Transfer night auction

Managers attend the transfer evening next Thursday (20 October) and take part in an auction of the available players to fill the spaces in their teams. Bramble rulings

Example: having released Sneijder, Ebanks-Blake and Sh1ttu, the Vasco needs to sign a midfielder, striker and defender the transfer auction.

Bramble ruling

Usual auction rules apply. Managers going over budget or buying two players from the same Premiership club will be penalised under the Bramble Ruling.

Attendance

Managers unable to attend the transfer window can still release and acquire players. However, managers attending the transfer window will always successfully outbid absent managers.

Absent managers must release illegal players (as per ”Forced transfer submissions’ above).

Example: the Lokomotiv Leeds manager cannot attend the transfer night, but can still get back £20m for releasing Wilshere. He may leave some preferred choices of replacement with the Chairman, but he cannot outbid a manager present at the auction unless he makes a phone bid.

Hopefully, this makes sense. Any managers not attending but wishing to do business, should contact the Chairman to the discuss their options.

Lokomotiv injury woe

The Lokomotiv manager faces a grim autumn ahead with injuries to two of his star midfielders.

Jack Wilshire and Rafael van der Vaart are both out until at least late October.

The playmaker pair will have little chance to make any impact for Lokomotiv Leeds before the November transfer window.

“This is a disappointing start to our first season as Jack and Rafa are both key players. I have every confidence in the rest of the team digging deep until their return,” platituded the Lokomotiv manager.

Strikeforce Javier Hernandez and Dean Sturridge are both yet to notch. Martin Skretl has scored the club’s only goal this season.

The team has been mainly relying on the creativity of Victor Moses.

Lokomotiv currently lie 16th in the Kenna.

Sneijder reveals Vasco talks

Wesley Sneijder has admitted that he thought he was going to join Vasco De Beauvoir, but insisted finances were not the reason is did not happen.

The saga over the Dutch international’s future lasted for the whole transfer window, with Vasco, Manchester City and Chelsea all linked.

But it was always Vasco who were thought to be leading the chase, and Sneijder admits he thought he was Shoreditch Park stadium-bound.

“I just felt that it was close, yes [I thought I was going],” Sneijder, currently with the Dutch squad on international duty, told AD.

“We had several talks, the situation was such that Inter had to sell a player, Eto’o or me, and indeed there was interest.

“They [Vasco De Beauvoir] are one of the biggest clubs in the world, so it did not seem a bad thing – but at the same time I do not want to leave Inter.

“Italy is great for me, and I cannot exclude that they [Vasco] got that feeling, for me a move was not an absolute must and there were a few things which meant it did not happen.”

Get your chants out

If supporters are a team’s 12th man then songs are their devastating right foot.

The Vasco De Beauvoir manager freely admits that his motivation for signing Sylvan Ebanks-Blake was the amusing terrace ditty he brings to the club.

“He may only score in non-Kenna competitions and be out injured for a month, but the morale Sylvan brings to the club through the fans’ song cannot be measured,” said the Vasco manager, looking a long way away from their 2010 league and cup double.

The Kenna wants to hear your team’s best player chant.

Post a link below of an example of your chant in action. Next week the best five chants will be put up to the jury in the Friday Poll.