Stat attack – The Jeff Kenna League

The worst team of the year, according to the stats

FOLLOWING publication of the PFA team of the year, the Daily Telegraph has posted the worst team of 2015/16.

Always keen to identify the the biggest gaffes by Kenna League managers, we’ve assessed each player.

Goalkeeper – Simon Mignolet (KS West Green)

DT said: Sometimes seems like an easy target but the stats don’t do him any favours at all.

Has the second-worst save percentage in the Premier League this season, saving just 60 per cent of the shots on target he has faced, while he has also made three errors leading to opposition goals, costing Liverpool a total of six points against Norwich, West Brom and Sunderland.

Without those mistakes Liverpool would be a point off fourth with a game in hand.

Kenna season: Signed by the chairman for £9m, the Belgian has broken the 100-point mark, bettering the likes of Brad Guzan, Lukasz Fabianski, Adrian.

Defender – Alan Hutton (unsigned)

DT said: Wins have been extremely rare for Aston Villa this season, but they have been non-existent with Hutton on the field.

He has made 25 appearances and Villa have won none of those games. Without him they have three wins from nine.

Oh, and he scored two own goals.

Kenna season: Even Kenna managers have learnt not to touch ‘The Scottish Cafu’ with a bargepole.

Defender – Micah Richards (Team Panda)

DT said: Was meant to add experience, stability and steel to the Villa defence but has done quite the opposite. The awful team he has captained have conceded 48 goals in the 22 games he has played; that’s 2.2 goals per game with him compared to 1.4 without him.

Neither is good enough but Richards has basically managed to make Villa worse.

Kenna season: The Pandas manager hasn’t made any transfers since signing Richards for £6m at the August auction for a return of 52 points.

Defender – Sebastian Coates (unsigned)

DT said: Was a mainstay for the first half of the season in the defence of a team that was giving Aston Villa a real run for its money as late as the end of November.

The only thing of note Coates did in his 16 appearances was score the above own goal. He was then deemed surplus to requirements, which is quite an achievement in a defence as leaky as Sunderland’s.

Kenna season: The once-promising Uruguayan was ignored by Kenna managers.

Midfielder – James McClean (unsigned)

DT said: Far from the most popular man in English football, McClean has rather had a season to forget.

In a Tony Pulis team where crosses are so important, McClean has attempted a whopping 182 crosses, but 141 have failed to find a team-mate. He only has two assists to his name all season.

Kenna season: Hasn’t appeared in a Kenna team since finishing midtable with PSV Mornington in 2012/13.

Midfielder – Jonjo Shelvey (Dynamo Charlton)

DT said: Shelvey could have been a shrewd purchase at £12 million, but is starting to look like a complete waste of money.

He has scored just one goal from 56 shots all season and looks unfit at present. It speaks volumes that it isn’t all that surprising that Newcastle have improved since he was dropped.

Kenna season: Snapped up for £0.5m in August by Dynamo and a regular starter until the last few weeks, although 40 points isn’t much to shout about.

Midfielder – Gareth Barry (Wandsworth Network Solutions)

DT said: Barry has been a solid Premier League player for years on end, but is perhaps starting to look a little off the pace.

He doesn’t provide his defence with enough protection, and has made more mistakes leading to an opposition chance than any other player in the top flight this season. People are talking about a potential change at the top at Goodison Park but perhaps one is needed at their heart.

Kenna season: A return of 61 points so far this term could be considered ample for the £0.5m August price tag.

Midfielder – Jack Grealish (Young Boys of Vauxhall)

DT said: Thought he had the world at his feet before this season and did not realise the hard work he needs to put in to become the player he can be.

Scored in September and then failed to add another goal or assist for the whole season. Villa have lost every single game he has appeared in.

Kenna season: The £3m August signing was carried by the league leaders until the February transfer window, where he was realised on a free.

Midfielder – Eden Hazard (Northern Monkeys)

DT said: The only thing anywhere near as surprising as Leicester’s title charge is how woefully bad Chelsea and their player of the season from last year, Eden Hazard, have been.

Hazard has produced a grand total of zero goals and three assists across 26 appearances this season and just looks like he wants out of the club. His heart isn’t in it any more.

Kenna season: At £39m Hazard was one of the most expensive players at the August auction. The Monkeys manager has kept faith in the Belgian, which has gone emphatically unrewarded.

Striker – Emmanuel Adebayor (Pikey Scum)

DT said: Earns over £100k-a-week yet has scored just a single goal since signing for Crystal Palace, who have won only one league game this year – a game in which Ade played no part.

Kenna season: Overlooked until the February transfer window when the Scum boss took a punt for an undisclosed fee. Has been chugging along at a respectable 2.8 points a week since and on the verge of a Narcozep Cup final appearance.

Striker – Cameron Jerome (Northern Monkeys and Headless Chickens)

DT said: Only a handful of players has had more ‘clear cut’ chances this season than Jerome, yet he has only three goals to his name.

A striker who doesn’t score. Now that’s exactly what a team fighting the drop need.

Kenna season: The half-million-pound signing scored just 18 points for Northern Monkeys before flogging him on for the same fee.

Was bought by the Chickens manager to replace Ronaldo when a rumoured move to England didn’t materialise. Jerome’s contribution of 50 points has not been enough to steer Chickens from almost certain relegation.

The Kenna Index

SILVERWARE has always been the preferred method of measuring glory in football.

Fantasy football is no different. Cups, trophies, titles, vases and manager of the month awards are the traditional currency of success, but in leagues where managers come and go is the amount of butler’s elbow grease required the best yardstick of achievement?

Managers who have kicked around a league for years may have won spoils early in their career when the league was more intimate before fading in the face of newer, more dynamic competition and greater numbers of challengers.

As entrants gather for tomorrow’s 11th annual Kenna League auction in a pub on Farringdon Road, they may well wonder if there’s a scientific mechanism for deciding who is most likely to finish where come May.

Luckily, there now is! The Kenna Index.

By turning each manager’s final league position into a fraction, adding those fractions together and dividing the total by the number of campaigns in which they’ve competed, Kenna HQ can accurately predict a manager’s most likely finishing place.

It’s not surprise to see the Tactical Brambler (James N) topping the stats. He’s won the league twice, and ended 10th and 7th in another two seasons.

Two titles in three years puts the Sporting Lesbian manager (Ben M) close second. In a league of 20, both managers would be expected – on form – to finish in the top two spots.

The Lokomotiv Leeds boss (Ben S) is the highest ranked manager to have not won any silverware. The Walthamstow Reds boss (Dudley) is the most consistent of everyone to compete in all 10 seasons, and the best Wulfrunian.

The Young Boys manager (Denney) is the highest ranked Welshman. The Just Put Carles manager (Carles) the highest Catalan.

At the other end, the former Still Don’t Know Yet manager (Pete) is the least successful of those competing tomorrow. In three campaigns he’s never finished higher than 14th and in May the club was finally put out of its misery and relegated.

Most importantly, the Kenna Index provides evidence of the most mid-table manager. Dynamo Temple may not have competed in the league for five years, but in those first six seasons the manager (Yellboy) has put down a marker of mediocrity that will be hard to beat for some time.

The Kenna Index

	Kenna Index
James N (4)	0.137
Ben M (3)	0.149
Ben S (3)	0.294
Denney (7)	0.3
Dudley (10)	0.4
Sholto (6)	0.411
Lewis (5)	0.47
Stix (10)	0.48
Higgin (4)	0.487
Yellboy (6)	0.501
Phil (10)	0.519
Jack (9)	0.564
Aiden (4)	0.576
Will Y (3)	0.583
Helen (4)	0.583
Carles (5)	0.604
Ted (6)	0.614
Seares (4)	0.616
Alex (4)	0.627
John N (4)	0.641
Mike (3)	0.643
Abdi (5)	0.68
El Pons (5)	0.755
Pete (3)	0.78
Clare (3)	0.784

Kenna ‘Vader’ nears completion of Death Star

REINFORCEMENTS for the FC Testiculadew trophy shelf are on order at B&Q as the manager looks to be the most successful ever in the Kenna League.

The chairman (Stix) remains top of Jeff’s Hall of Fame, but in a career less than half the length the FCT manager – known as the Tactical Brambler for his ingenuity at finding loopholes in league rules – has surged to second in the silverware table.

Two league and cup doubles, and a podium finish in four campaigns see the Kenna League’s answer to Lord Vader (James N) standing on the brink of unprecedented glory if he can win another title next season.

On recent form, only this year’s championship-winning manager at Sporting Lesbian (Ben M) can hope to fire a proton torpedo into the FCT Death Star. In just three seasons, the Sporting boss has won two titles.

The chairman aside, of the managers to compete in all 10 seasons of the league the Piedmonte manager (Phil) pips the Newington Reds manger (Dudley) with three podium finishes to two.

The former PSV Mornington manager (El Pons) is bottom of the trophy stats. The Catalan is the most hopeless Kenna manager of all time having been relegated twice and collecting seven Turkey of the Month awards (TOTMs).

The outgoing Hoxton Pirates manager (Abdi) was relegated for the second time this season and has 10 TOTMs, but finds himself up the table due to unlikely Canesten Combi Cup glory in May 2013.

Jeff’s Hall of Fame 2005 to 2015

The table below orders managers in the number of leagues, cups, podium finishes and Manager of the Month awards (MOTMs) they have won. Managers (campaigns entered in brackets) must have completed at least three seasons to be in Jeff’s Hall of Fame.

	League championships	Cup winners	Podium finishes	MOTMs	Relegated	TOTMs
Stix (10)	2	2	1	11	1	6
James N (4)	2	2	1	6
Ben M (3)	2			5		1
Denney (7)	1	1	2	10		1
Yellboy (6)	1	1	1	4	1	9
Higgin (4)	1		1	5	1	4
Ted (6)	1			5	2	8
Jack (9)		1		4		5
Abdi (5)		1		1	2	10
Phil (10)			3	6	1	5
Dudley (10)			2	10		7
Ben S (3)			2	6
Sholto (6)			2	4		1
Lewis (5)			2	2	1	1
Will Y (3)			1	3		2
Helen (4)			1	2	1	3
Carles (5)				3		1
Seares (4)				3		2
Alex (4)				2
Clare (3)				2	1	2
John N (4)				1
Aiden (4)				1		2
Pete (3)				1	1	2
Mike (3)				1	1	3
El Pons (5)				1	2	7

Pirates campaign worst ever

HOXTON Pirates’ campaign this season was the most godawful in Kenna League history, it was revealed today.

Picking up eight consecutive Turkey of the Month awards between October and May and a lowest ever points total, the outgoing Pirates manager saw the side relegated as he finished bottom of the Kenna table last month.

It is the second time the Somali has steered a club into the abyss of a non-existent Kenna second tier.

The performance was even more limp than PSV Mornington the season before, the previous record for gammon. The managers of Pirates, fellow relegatees Fat Ladies and the ill-fated PSV are the only ones to finish two campaigns in the drop zone.

“Yarrrr! I fight ye again another day!” said the defiant Somali who just refuses to go down with his ship.

The Kenna all time stats published today for the first time in two years (below), also show Young Boys of Vauxhall to have had to the driest season on record in 2013-14.

The YB boss used the services of five strikers during that campaign – Jonathan Walters, Nicholas Anelka, Sone Aluko, Emmanuel Adebayor and Lacina Traore. Between them they prodded in a paltry 16 goals.

Determined not to learn a lesson, the Welshman went on to sign Emmanuel Riviere and Bojan Krcic at last summer’s auction.

The last two transfer windows saw Young Boys go through a barren Mario Balotelli spell before rectifying matters with the signings of Charlie Austin and Daniel Sturridge. They ended up joint-second most prolific side this term.

Nevertheless, it’s clear the manager places little to no emphasis on proven strikers at the summer auction.

Looking to defend his league title in August 2011, he left the pub with a front two of DJ Campbell and Gervinho. FC Testiculadew went on to take the league with double the goals of Young Boys.

The Tactical Brambler still holds three records, although this year’s champions Sporting Lesbian came the closest to beating FCT’s mammoth 251-point December 2011 Manager of the Month award.

All time Kenna stats - 2005 to 2015 — All time Kenna stats – 2005 to 2015

Sporting wins wheeler dealer award

KENNA champions Sporting Lesbian won the league before the season even started and were most effective on the transfer market, it was revealed today.

Comparing the starting lineups of each club from way back in August, Sporting and Cowley Casuals emerged as one and two – as they did last month in the league proper.

In the transfer market, the Sporting manager was also most efficient, on average getting another 54 points out of each signing when he released Paulinho and Pablo Hernandez in favour of Nathan Dyer and Ahmed Elmohamady.

The FC Testiculadew manager was next biggest transfer shark, coaxing an average of 42 points from each of the eight players acquired in October and February.

This remarkable feat transformed the fortunes of a manager who didn’t even turn up to the pre-season auction and started with an automatically-picked team including Torres and Podolski.

Snaffling Christian Benteke after a sloppy autumn invocation of the Titus Bramble ruling by Fat Ladies would prove to be a decisive boost for the Tactical Brambler.

The chairman’s side KS West Green was the most hampered by the manager’s transfer activity, primarily due to the costly forfeit of Sergio Aguero in the February window.

While replacement Bramble player Fred ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot put the chairman’s integrity beyond probity, he failed to address more pressing problems both in front of goal. KS West Green lost nearly 20 points for every piece of transfer business the manager conducted.

Kenna HQ critics claim the research is slightly spurious, since it doesn’t take into account any points scored early season by players no longer listed, such as Alvaro Negredo of Judean Peoples’ Front, Andre Scheurrle of Team Panda Rules OK, Joel Campbell of Hoxton Pirates and Davide Santon of Pikey Scum to name but a clutch.

“This research is in no way slapdash,” said the chairman on the pavement outside the Holborn Whippet to a media briefing attended by a Kenna PR flunky, an elderly couple on holiday from Winnipeg looking for directions to the British Museum, and Metro Man.

“This is merely an indication of how good or bad managers have performed in the transfer market. There may be a few discrepancies with numbers, so I’m sure when someone takes the time to work it all out they’ll find KS West Green were by no means the worst windowed team this season.”

Meanwhile, gossip is rife over the futures of the three relegated managers.

The former Hoxton Pirates boss is said to be interested in a move to either the Wenlock Bucaneers or Shoreditch Sea Shanty.

The ex Fat Ladies manager is considering a role either with the Morbidly Obese Matrons or Corpulent Crones.

The outgoing Still Don’t Know Yet gaffer is reported to be unsure of his future.

Death, taxes and one poor transfer decision

Samir Nasri — “What do I think of the Piedmonte manager?” (photo: Rod McLaren)

TITLE races don’t come much more thrilling than this season’s Kenna, but when it’s all over one manager may look back on a transfer window with severe regret.

The Piedmonte manager has his best chance of winning the league since its origins in 2005. It would be quite an itch to scratch considering he was among the eight pioneers of the Kenna that fateful night in The Old Bank of England.

As this season rolls into the final five weeks, Piedmonte find themselves just 25 points behind flash new boys FC Testiculadew. Dismissing a potentially catastrophic oversight by league organisers, one manager will be spraying champagne onto the bare breasts of high-class escort girls while the other will be throwing up a bellyful of Frosty Jacks in the park, along with the rest of the league.

If the Piedmonte manager finds himself waking up in his own vomit, as he has eight times before, the sale of Samir Nasri at the second transfer window will be a source of tortuous despair.

Eyebrows were raised that night in The Enterprise when the silky-skilled Frenchman found himself back on the market and snapped up for £2m by Bala Rinas.

Now Piedmonte find themselves so close to missing out, the manager is introspectively taking to social media:

@jeffkennaleague I’m sure if I hadn’t done any transfers at all this season I’d be top of the league. Got rid of Adebayor & Nasri! #kenna

— Phil Davis (@PhillyD55) April 7, 2014

He’s wrong. The fact is that if he’d made no transfers he wouldn’t be top of the league, but his team would have scored more goals (see below).

No one could criticise the Piedmonte manager for releasing Emmanuel Adebayor at the October window. The Togolese didn’t score a single point in those first six weeks, and looked to be having another season the elephant would sooner forget.

His replacement Jonathan Walters used to be one of those bargain Kenna bankers, but he’s had a torrid time of late and in 13 weeks for Piedmonte scored at less than two points a week, notching just two goals in the process.

‘The Pies’ replaced him with Peter Odemwingie, a huge gamble considering the Nigerian’s troubles, but he’s gone on to score a whopping 44 points in the last 10 weeks.

So no strikers sleeping in the car park – it’s in midfield where the manager has come unstuck.

A handful of good games, including one for England, meant Andros Townsend was so universally fashionable earlier this season he was even talked about in space.

But since joining Piedmonte, Townsend has clocked up a miserable 1.4 points a week. In the same time Samir Nasri has been going at an astronomic rate of 4.9.

Even more confounding for the Pies managers is that while Nasri’s purple patch has come since he left the club, he was already scoring at a very respectable 4.26 points, and if he’d kept the Frenchman he would be 20 points above FCT and have scored two more goals.

That’s going to haunt the Piedmonte manager if he misses out in yet another season.

Piedmonte scoring

Current total: 990 points, 43 goals

Starting XI total: 983 points, 49 goals

If he’d kept Nasri: 1,025 points, 47 goals

Piedmonte average points scored a week – individual

Krul – 2.47

Ben Davies – 2.34

Hangeland – 1.44

Phil Jones – 1.47

Jags – 2.66

Stevie G – 5.09

Noble – 3.09

Puncheon – 3.19

Nasri – 4.26 for Pies, 4.56 for the season / Townsend – 1.4 for Pies, 2.41 for the season

Long – 2.81

Adebayor – 0 for Pies, 3.06 for the season / J Walters – 2.77 for Pies, 2.41 for the season / Odemwingie – 4.4 for Pies,

Stewart Downing leaves managers frowning

POOR Stewart Downing.

His only crime was to have a left foot and enough talent to get him into the top flight of domestic football.

Yet coming of age at a time when the English public were dreaming of a world class left winger to solve all the problems of the national side, his inferiority to the likes of a Ryan Giggs, a Leo Messi or even a Diego Maradonna, has brought Stewart into the firing line for much criticism over matters completely out of his control.

All of which means that while Kenna managers may appreciate Downing is a regular starter, they are also quick to blame him when things aren’t going well.

His demeanour doesn’t help. Constantly looking like a small boy at an information desk awkwardly hearing his own name being read out over the shopping centre tannoy and dreading the moment his relieved mother makes a tearful reunion now the school bully has clocked him while out for a spot of shoplifting, Stewart’s expression appears to invite contempt.

This season Downing is the only player to appear for three different Kenna teams, having found himself released at both transfer windows.

Bought for £9.5m by Judean Peoples’ Front at the August auction, the winger overcame injury and settling in to West Ham to only score at an average of 1.33 points a week. Downing found himself released at the October transfer window.

The Newington Reds manager snaffled Downing for half a million pounds and throughout autumn, Christmas and January he scored at a very creditable three points a week. League leaders FC Testiculadew have seen their players score at 2.9 points a week on average this campaign.

A Liverpool fan, perhaps it was the Newington Reds manager’s memory of that season of no goals and no assists, but he saw fit to jettison Downing at the February window.

Northern Monkeys picked up the winger for the nominal £0.5m, and have seen him continue that form to score at 2.67 points a week.

What was the Reds manager’s midfield doing while his former player was helping Monkeys to the Canesten Combi Cup semi final?

Assembled for £13m at that raucous night in The Enterprise, the trio of Nathan Redmond, Adnan Januzaj and Oussama Assiadi have scored just two more points between them than Downing.

“The nine-year trophy hunt for Reds continues,” said the chairman, his PhD in hindsight neatly framed on his Kenna HQ office wall.

Stewart Downing’s season

Judean Peoples’ Front – £9.5m – six weeks / eight points – 1.33 point a week

Newington Reds – £0.5m – 13 weeks / 39 points – 3 points a week

Northern Monkeys – £0.5m – nine weeks / 24 points – 2.67 points a week

Newington Reds replacement midfield:

Redmond – £0.5m – 12 points

Januzaj – £12m – 11 points

Assaidi – £0.5m – 3 points

Demichelis not such bad Kompany

Martin Demichelis caricature — Ray of sunshine: Martin Demichelis has been the one positive of Young Boys of Vauxhall’s season (photo: Gonza Rodriguez)

HUNDREDS of column inches have been dedicated to the shortcomings of Argentine defender Martin Demichelis this season and in the most part for good reason.

The pony-tailed centre back appears most at home lumbering around just outside his own 18-yard line with all the agility of a ginned-up lollipop lady, desperately trying to keep up with his sleeker teammates.

Up against the cream of European talent, Demichelis’ height, chunky bearing and lantern jaw make him look less a professional footballer and more like he should be wearing a leather jacket and fencing stolen goods from a rusty van outside the back of a pub glued to At The Races all Tuesday afternoon.

But one Kenna manager has found that at the domestic level, Demichelis is statistically delivering more than well-respected ‘top top player’ Vincent Kompany.

Guffaws rang around the upstairs bar of The Three Stags in Kennington in early October, when the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager took what was considered to be the outlandish decision to jettison Kompany at the first transfer window and sign the bungling Argentine.

In the face of much criticism, Young Boys vehemently defended the move at the time. Selling Kompany to St Reatham FC for £5m and picking up Demichelis on the open market for a token point five, the Welshman trousered £4.5m, he argued.

The Young Boys manager was also keen to point out that Kompany was recently injured. No one thought it so serious at the time, but the Belgian didn’t play again until the New Year.

Up until that afternoon south of the river, Demichelis was picking up a measly 1.25 points a week. The Belgian was making hay at 3.76.

Since that window the Argentine has gone on to score at a very creditable average of 3.12 points a week, while Kompany has contributed less than two-and-a-half.

In hindsight, the whole affair was a masterstroke for the Young Boys manager.

Of course, in all other respects the Young Boys season has been an utter disaster. At the same transfer window the manager turned a profit on Kompany he ended up Brambling himself and found Operation Yewtree suspect Rolf Harris starting in his midfield as forfeit. At the second window in February his frenzy of eight transfers descended into Tinkerman farce.

The St Reatham manager, on the other hand, finds his team safely ensconced in midtable and in the semi finals of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Despite his failure in all other respects, the Young Boys manager has successfully underlined two recurring themes to emerge from any statistical analysis of the Kenna – due to the scoring system a defender is only as good or bad as the team he’s in and never sign players based on who you like.

In the first eight weeks of the season

Demichelis scored 1.25 points per week

Kompany scored 3.76 points per week

In the 25 weeks since the October transfer window

Demichelis started on 10 points now has 88 (3.12 points per week)

Kompany started on 27 points now has 89 (2.48 points per week)

Kenna archives reveal secret to success

Roy Castle — Record breakers: In its eight-year history the Kenna has never had a single ginger manager (photo courtesy of D*J*P)

WINNING Kenna teams score 33 points a week and losing ones 22 points, according to league records published today.

Archives show that in the eight football seasons since the Kenna League was founded each player in the winning team picked up three points a week on average – 111 points a season.

Stats also show FC Testiculadew’s ‘Kenna in the bag‘ championship in 2011/12 was the league’s most dominant.

FCT romped home a record 129 points ahead of the pack, were the highest scoring team ever and clocked up the best ever Manager of the Month performance: 251 points in January 2012.

Vasco De Beauvoir hold the golden boot record with 80 goals scored during their double-winning campaign of 2009/10.

Enjoying considerably less renown are the Fat Ladies, who two seasons after winning their 2007/08 Kenna crown pulled out the worst league performance in history, finishing 205 points adrift.

In the same year, Dynamo Temple ended the defence of their Kenna championship by picking up just four dismal points in May’s Manager of the Month contest.

Kenna managers will hope to be breaking these records when they assemble in a London pub to attend the annual auction next month ahead of the English football season.

The Kenna chairman, who last week was confirmed as the most decorated manager in the league’s history, said: “Perhaps the greatest honour should be reserved for the Judean Peoples’ Front manager. He produced what is officially the most mediocre campaign ever, finishing within a point of the average score.”

The name’s Bonda…

A quick thought for former Kenna player Pascal Chimbonda, who today joined Evo-stik League outfit Market Drayton.

The chairman and other sundry Kenna managers spent many an underage Saturday enjoying the pubs and ‘club’ of the Shropshire town.

Chimbonda first appeared in the Kenna in 2006/07 season, picking up 66 points for the Fat Ladies as they reached fourth place.

In the next campaign the French defender was signed by the Barking Hackney manager, but released in October after only scoring nine points.

Chimbonda was last seen in the Kenna scoring 42 points for the Pep Guardiola XI as they finished lower mid-table in 2009/10.

All-time records

2005/06 – season review

2005-06 table — 2005/06 Jeff Kenna League table – final standings

2006/07 – season review

2006-07 table — 2006/07 Jeff Kenna League table – final standings

2007/08

2008/09

2009/10

2010/11

2011/12

2012/13

Vasco confirmed as Kenna’s most glorious

THE FORMER manager of Vasco De Beauvoir has been announced as the best ever to compete in the Kenna League.

Despite getting sacked in two months ago after leading the side to relegation for the first time in an eight-year career, the Vasco manager tops the charts through winning two league titles and two Canesten Combi Cups since the Kenna was founded in 2005.

The Worcestershire man also holds 11 Manager of the Month (MOTM) awards, the league record.

The Young Boys, FC Testiculadew and Dynamo Temple managers – all with one league championship and one cup apiece – will be mindful that they could take top spot in the all time stats if they scoop the double in the upcoming season.

Mr Terry's Ice Cream — Yes, you can retrain: The Dan Terry Seduction manager took a vocational route out of the Kenna

Kenna managers past and present with at least two campaigns’ experience were ranked against each other on leagues won, cups won, podium finishes and MOTM awards.

The veteran managers of Piedmonte and Newington Reds, the only others apart from the Vasco gaffer to compete in all eight Kenna seasons, find themselves down the rankings with just two podium finishes each and no silverware.

The Dan Terry Seduction manager is statistically the worst manager ever to have entered the Kenna, with three Turkey of the Month wooden spoons and a relegation. He left the league two seasons ago to apply his particular talents with more success elsewhere.

The Devils boss, who led the club between 2006 and 2010, is the highest ranked female manager with one podium finish. A condescending and cringe-worthy corporate awards ceremony involving flowers and chocolates awaits.

The former Vasco manager, who is also the Kenna League chairman, said: “To be fair, if I hadn’t always had a feeling that two championships and two cups meant I was the best ever Kenna manager, I probably wouldn’t have spent so much time working out the damn stats to prove it.”

Rumours abound as to which team the chairman will manage in the new term. Westgreenspor, Eintracht Mind, Getoverit 96 and Total Network Failure have all be linked to the former Vasco boss.

The publication of ‘Jeff’s hall of fame’ comes 25 days before the ninth annual Kenna auction, where managers will gather in a London pub to buy their teams in preparation for the Premier League season.