Category: Stat attack

Stats and analysis

Attack, Midfield, Defence: winners and losers

Anders Breivik
Attack: The Still Don’t Know Yet front pair came top in a straight comparison (photo courtesy of Pan African News Wire)

THE KENNA League is jumping on the pundit bandwagon about the Per Mertesacker and Laurent Koscielny partnership being the basis of Arsenal’s realised European ambition.

The four best defences in the Kenna this season helped their team to a top-half finish. Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique shared a tremendous season at Judean Peoples’ Front to crown the team best at the back.

In midfield, the Just Put Carles manager’s decision to stick with his starting four of Arteta, Silva, Osman and Henderson – more likely through not turning up to transfer windows than anything else – paid dividends.

Despite winning the league on Sunday with the most goals scored of any side, Sporting Lesbian fell short in defence and midfield for which the front pair of Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero more than atoned. Only Robin van Persie and Arouna Kone at Still Don’t Know Yet did better.

The Sporting manager’s celebratory tweet today suggests a William Hill account has taken a bit of beating over the last few months.

Defence (final league position)

1 Judean Peoples’ Front (3) 543
2 Piedmonte (4) 466
3 Spartak Mogadishu (8) 463
4 Just Put Carles (5) 420
5 Pikey Scum (15) 415
6 Newington Reds (11) 409
7 Sporting Lesbian (1) 400
8 Bala Rinas (13) 392
9 FC Testiculadew (2) 386
10 Lokomotiv Leeds (7) 383
11 Greendale Rockets (17) 382
12 Headless Chickens (16) 372
13 PSV Mornington (10) 368
14 Vasco De Beauvoir (18) 356
15 Northern Monkeys (12) 355
16 Woking (20) 346
17 Wandsworth Window Lickers (19) 343
18 Dynamo Charlton (6) 337
19 Hairy Fadjeetas (9) 266
20 Still Don’t Know Yet (14) 207

Midfield (final league position)

1 Just Put Carles (5) 474
2 Dynamo Charlton (6) 456
3 Hairy Fadjeetas (9) 440
4 Headless Chickens (16) 399
5 FC Testiculadew (2) 395
6 Northern Monkeys (12) 393
7 PSV Mornington (10) 376
8 Sporting Lesbian (1) 375
9 Piedmonte (4) 362
10 Spartak Mogadishu (8) 336
11 Wandsworth Window Lickers (19) 334
12 Pikey Scum (15) 332
13 Newington Reds (11) 331
14 Greendale Rockets (17) 318
15 Bala Rinas (13) 305
16 Lokomotiv Leeds (7) 296
17 Judean Peoples’ Front (3) 295
18 Woking (20) 283
19 Vasco De Beauvoir (18) 268
20 Still Don’t Know Yet (14) 243

Attack (final league position)

1 Still Don’t Know Yet (14) 397
2 Sporting Lesbian (1) 378
3 FC Testiculadew (2) 297
4 Lokomotiv Leeds (7) 278
5 Dynamo Charlton (6) 278
6 PSV Mornington (10) 264
7 Newington Reds (11) 258
8 Northern Monkeys (12) 256
9 Spartak Mogadishu (8) 254
10 Judean Peoples’ Front (3) 251
11 Piedmonte (4) 251
12 Vasco De Beauvoir (18) 236
13 Hairy Fadjeetas (9) 218
14 Greendale Rockets (17) 209
15 Pikey Scum (15) 198
16 Bala Rinas (13) 197
17 Just Put Carles (5) 184
18 Wandsworth Window Lickers (19) 169
19 Woking (20) 163
20 Headless Chickens (16) 152
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End-of-season performance review: the best, the worst, the mediocre

Phallic golf trophy
Sweet taste of success: The Sporting Lesbian manager is cock-a-hoop after licking the competition hard (photo courtesy of absurdness.com)

HE TRIED his hardest to mess it up at the end, but the Sporting Lesbian manager still cruised to victory.

Looking back at May’s turkey of the month award, the Sporting boss will be keen to welcome the return of the banned Luis Suarez next season, as will every other club in the league if he stays on these shores.

Vanquished champion the FC Testiculadew manager is consoled with second place. Expect him to come back strong and remorseless.

The Newington Reds and Just Put Carles managers shared April’s manager of the month award, which means just a fiver each for them.

The sacked Woking manager may have to review his transfer policy ahead of the new campaign after picking up turkey of the month awards in the immediate aftermath of both transfer windows.

The best (prize money)

Sporting Lesbian – League champions plus August’s and November’s manager of the month (£120), also May’s turkey of the month

FC Testiculadew – League runners up plus September’s manager of the month (£50)

Judean Peoples’ Front – Third place and February’s manager of the month (£20)

Spartak Mogadishu – Canesten Combi Cup winners (£20)

Lokomotiv Leeds – January’s and March’s manager of the month (£20)

PSV Mornington – October’s manager of the month (£10), also August’s turkey of the month

Pikey Scum – December’s manager of the month (£10)

Dynamo Charlton – May’s manager of the month (£10)

Newington Reds – April’s joint manager of the month (£5)

Just Put Carles – April’s joint manager of the month (£5)

The worst

Woking – Relegated and November’s, December’s and February’s turkey of the month award

Vasco De Beauvoir – Relegated and September’s and October’s turkey of the month

Wandsworth Window Lickers – Relegated and March’s turkey of the month

Bala Rinas – January’s turkey of the month

Greendale Rockets – April’s turkey of the month

The mediocre (final league position)

Piedmonte (4th), Hairy Fadjeetas (9th), Northern Monkeys (12th), Still Don’t Know Yet (14th), Headless Chickens (16th)

Manager of the month end of season 2012/13Manager of the month end of season 2012/13
Manager of the month end of season 2012/13
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Olisadebe review: the best, the worst, the mediocre

UTOYA ISLAND XI’s back five rocked the record books by failing to register a single point between them for the whole Olisadebe Euro 2012 tournament.

It is the first time in Kenna history that a team’s goalkeeper and four defenders scored nil points in a competition.

The defensive shower of Shay Given, Per Mertesacker, Andrea Ranocchia, Marcus Antonsson and Dejan Lovren either put in an awful shift or didn’t even go to Poland or Ukraine due to form or injury.

“Obviously some of my targets didn’t come off,” said the Utoya manager, whose strike force of Ronaldo and Lovenkrands were named the most mediocre of the contest.

Don’t Know Yet, whose manager was making his debut, had the surprise top strike force of Fernando Torres and Titus Bramble player Georgios Samaras.

Team

Best – The Euroscpetics: 157 points
Worst – Make Party: 76 points

Player

Best – Jordi Alba (The Eurosceptics): 39 points
Worst – Wojciech Szczesny (Testiculadewland), John O’Shea (Just FEMEN): -1 point each

Strike force

Best – Samaras and Torres (Don’t Know Yet): 39 points
Worst – Ben Arfa and Kuyt (Bwing on the Euwos): 5 points
Most mediocre – Ronaldo and Lovenkrands (Utoya Island XI): 24 points (average: 24.21)

Midfield

Best – Xavi, Pirlo, Gerrard and Veloso (Every Pole’s a Goal): 72 points
Worst – Lampard, Robben, Malouda and Pranjic (Don’t Know Yet): 17 points
Most mediocre – Tziolis, The Ox, Ozil and Konoplyanka (Testiculadewland): 45 points (average: 43.28)

Defence

Best – Cech, Alba, Terry, Alves and K Papadopoulos (The Eurosceptics): 85 points
Worst – Given, Mertesacker, Ranocchia, Antonsson and Lovren (Utoya Island XI): 0 (zero) points
Most mediocre – dead heat between Kranjar, Silva, Rosicky and Husyev (Hoodyanika Bolokov), and, de Jong, Khedira, Busquets and Erikson (The Horn of Africa): 45 poins each (average 42.71)

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Final 2011/12 Kenna table

AS ROMAN Abramovich composes his classified ad for the Russian oligarch equivalent of Autotrader (‘millions spent, could run well for another year or so’), another season of domestic football draws to a close.

For the sake of posterity (and to make room on the homepage for the upcoming Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup), the final league standings for 2011/12 can be found below.

Week 39 - 15 May 2012

Final Kenna League standings 2011/12
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Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

George Bush gets down
“No, no, no, that’s wrong. This is how you ask for marajuana in Coldharbour Lane.”

LIKE KING Kenny’s chances of being down with the kids of Brixton, the season is well and truly over.

To complement January’s big mid-season review, the Kenna has added the second half’s performance chart to the mix (below).

Back in early January, Lokomotiv Leeds had enjoyed a prosperous Christmas and dislodged FC Testiculadew from the top of the table.

FCT’s response was emphatic.

Producing what will probably turn out to be one of the highest-scoring months in Kenna history, Wayne Rooney & co were so rampant for the first four weeks of the calendar year that their manager wasn’t even inclined to attend the February transfer window.

Having lost Yaya Touré to the battlefields of Africa, Lokomotiv’s form nosedived in January and February, leaving FCT to sail over the line.

Meanwhile at the other end, Polonia Forsyth didn’t exceed average performance for the entire season.

Lurliners, Vasco De Beauvoir and the Dan Terry Seduction almost joined them.

So what does the aristocrat of Match of the Day punditry make of all this?

“Pace. Power. Determination. FC Testiculadew have it all in hatfuls.

“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.

“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.

“When I was at Liverpool…”

We’re sure Alan will be back to provide some more insightful analysis in the near future.

Alan Hansen's coloured performance chart 2011-12
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart 2011-12
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The big mid-season review

Bush review
“It’s the Kenna mid-season review, sir. It won’t bite.”

  • Manager of the month awards

  • Player of the week tallies

  • Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Like the initial police investigation into the murder of Stephen Lawrence, the Kenna season’s only half done.

This leaves an opportunity to look back like over the last five months and consider the consequences of that heady night in August.

A bit like someone serving time for looting a bag of Tesco Value rice.

So before Jesse Jackson turns up to call for a more integrated Kenna, let’s get get this show on the road.

Manager of the Month awards

FC Testiculadew’s unprecedented goal scoring from Dzeko and Rooney saw them way out in front of the pack in August and scooping the MOTM prize.

Just Put Carles looked like early-season challengers and picked up the September award, but since then have dropped down the table.

After a slow start, Lokomotiv Leeds’ Sturridge, van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all sparked to help their boss take the October gong

Wholesale changes at the transfer night, including the key signing of the electric Emmanuel Adebayor, allowed the Pikey Scum gaffer to win the November prize.

And in December, even Victor Moses opened his Lokomotiv Leeds account to help the manager cement his side’s place at the top of the table.

MOTM - August to January
Managers and turkeys

As for the Turkeys of the Month, these have also been shared around.

Thus far, only Dynamo Charlton have managed to salvage any pride.

As for the rest, they’ll be fretting over the ‘Managers finishing in the relegation zone must come back at the helm of another club next season’ committee, due to be set up in Kenna HQ this spring.

Player of week tallies

Question: Which managers in the Kenna can bring the individual best out of their players?

Answer: Literally, none of them.

Find below the number of times a manager has coached a player of week.

Just what’s a Yak gotta do around here?

7. Unsigned (Yakubu x3, Berbatov, Pilkington, Klasnic, Andy Johnson)

2. Newington Reds (Ba x2), Vasco De Beauvoir (Aguero x2), FC Testiculadew (Rooney, Mata)

1. Just Put Carles (Silva), Hairy Fadjeetas (Klasnic), Judean Peoples’ Front (RVP), Superfuzz (Nani), Lokomotiv Leeds (Skrtel)

Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Match of the Day’s Alan Hansen brings his brand of punditry to the Kenna:

“Pace. Power. Determination. Lokomotiv Leeds have it all in hatfuls.

“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.

“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.

“When I was at Liverpool…..”

Okay, Alan, that’s enough. Back to the bar for you.

Performance guide August - January
Compare overall month-by-month performance with other clubs
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Latin heat

PSV Mornington manager
Iberians: a compact style of play

The Iberian peninsular produces some of the most technically-gifted football players in the world.

But in one of the few lands where no one can agree lyrics for the national anthem, which language claims supremacy on the pitch?

Ever responsive to the feedback of managers, the number crunchers at HQ have conducted another study of similar depth and learning to last week’s look at the Kenna slavic contingent.

Spanish, Basque, Catalan, Valencian, Aragonese and, for good measure, Portuguese players have been pitched against each other to determine precisely which brand of tiki-taka managers should adopt next season.

The outcome

From the small data set available, it’s concluded that Valencian players offer the best return. Basque players are also a good investment, provided they’re not extorted for revolutionary tax by their fellow countrymen. The Portuguese are an excellent choice and Castilians are a safe bet.

Players from Aragon and Catalonia are overrated and should be left well alone.

Castilian

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m
F Torres FC Gun Show

127

33

3.85
J Reina Thieving Magpies

107

1.5

71.33
D Silva Deportivo Kensington

140

19

7.37
C Cuellar Athelico Temple

29

7

4.14
Total

403

60.5

6.67

Basque

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m
M Arteta Athletico Temple

89

9.5

9.37

Valencian

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m
J Enrique Bashers FC

93

1

93

Catalan

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m
C Fabregas Athletico Temple

118

43

2.74

Aragonese

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m
M Almunia PSV Mornington

36

9

4

Portuguese

Player Club

10/11 points

Value (£m)

Points/£m
Nani Dynamo Temple

171

8

21.38
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The bargain basement

Graeme Souness
Stripped-down value: there's always a touch of gold to be found in the bargain basement

A familiar scenario: it’s 10.30pm on auction night, you’re three sheets to the wind and there are four spaces to fill in your team.

It’s your turn to introduce a player to the bidding. Squinting at the tiny print of the player list the first name you see amongst the crossings out and the beer stains is Jonathan Spector. Surely, it hasn’t come to this?

The next few seconds can make or break a season.

These are the players (Spector aside) that can bring the most value to a Kenna team. In summer 2009, Vasco De Beauvoir paid a mere £500k for Carlos ‘Hughes won’t pick him’ Tevez. The Argentine’s imperious form that season significantly helped Vasco De Beauvoir lift their second league title and scoop the first ever double. Mark Hughes got sacked by Christmas.

Below are the nine top-scoring £0.5m players from last season’s auction. Taylor and Etherington come as little surprise, and Giggy’s prowess is well documented, but the Blackburn Mamba just goes to show that popular talent is not a pre-requisite of individual Kenna success.

Furthermore, 11 Martin Skretls would’ve won the league last season. That’s a lot of sultry Slovak.

Player Club Points
M Etherington Young Boys 120
M Skretl CSKA Bashers 116
C Jerome Legia Forsyth 111
C Baird Vasco De Beauvoir 99
C Samba FC Gun Show 90
S Parker FC Gun Show 90
L Koscielny Barking Nepal 85
R Giggs Atheltico Temple 85
M Taylor Legia Forsyth 81
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Big name hunting

Flash strikers: are they good value?

There was a time when signing a big-money, almost-guaranteed points getter was the successful tactic of auction night.

Certainly in previous seasons, Cristiano Ronaldo, for all his failings of personality, single-handedly won FC Gun Show and Fat Ladies the title in 2007 and 2008 respectively.

However, as more teams have joined the league over the years, auction tactics have changed. With so many managers going for the big players, their value has skyrocketed, but on last season’s evidence their actual contribution is diminishing.

Below is a table of the eight players that fetched over £30m at auction last summer. They all have one thing in common: none of their teams got into the top two.

The most expensive player at champions Young Boys was Vidic (£27m) who picked up 139 points (5.15 per million pounds).

At cup winners and league runners up Dynamo Temple the situation is even more astounding. Jamie Carragher was the manager’s biggest buy at auction for £16m and scored 78 points (4.88 per million pounds).

Of the ‘over-£30m’ club, only the prolific Carlos Tevez managed to be of more worth to his team to the pound than Vidic or Carragher to theirs.

The questions remains: was last season an anomaly or with an enlarged league membership should managers be spreading their budget over their starting line up?

Player

Club

Value (£m)

Points

Points per £1m

C Tevez

CSKA Bashers

36

199

5.53

R van Persie

Spartak Mogadishu

37

154

4.16

D Drogba

Vasco De Beauvoir

47

181

3.85

F Torres

FC Gun Show

33

127

3.85

W Rooney

Deportivo Kensington

39

141

3.62

F Lampard

PSV Mornington

42.5

140

3.29

C Fabregas

Athletico Temple

43

118

2.74

S Gerrard

Legia Forsyth

34

68

2
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Best attack – 10/11

Pippa Middleton Pot
A goal that all Kenna players would like to score

This season’s best attack award goes to Dynamo Temple, who will add it next to their ‘Best midfield’ and Cannestan Combi Cup in the club trophy cabinet.

Dynamo’s £5m Rodallega and £19m Bent narrowly pipped Polonia’s £8m Elmander and £21m Hernandez. The ‘Little Pea’ promises to be a big target at auction.

At the other end, Lokomotiv Tooting had a torrid season up front. Peter Crouch failed to strike up a meaningful relationship with either Roque Santa Cruz or El Hadji Diouf, and even PSV’s meagre offering from Pavlyuchenko and on-the-bench-until-loaned-to-Madrid Adebayor wiped the floor with them.

The Lokomotiv manager will be taking a long, hard look at how he can remedy that next season.

Research prior to auction night would be a start.

1 Dynamo Temple 286
2 Polonia Forsyth 285
3 Thieving Magpies 275
4 Young Boys 274
5 CSKA Bashers 262
6 Deportivo Kensington 241
7 Vasco De Beauvoir 226
8 Legia Forsyth 221
9 Spartak Mogadishu 220
10 Walthamstow Network Solutions 220
11 The Dan Terry Ultimatum 207
12 Spare Parts 206
13 FC Gun Show 202
14 Athletico Temple 196
15 Barking Nepal 159
16 PSV Mornington 139
17 Lokomotiv Tooting 114
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