Category: Weekly updates

GABRIEL Jesus will be top of many shopping lists ahead of the final Kenna League transfer window tonight.

The Brazilian striker has made a big impact following his move to England a few weeks ago.

Of the top four teams in the table, only Islington Sports Islam & Leisure can sign Jesus without triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.

The managers of Thieving Magpies (Yaya Toure), FC Testiculadew (David Silva) and Sleptember XI (Raheem Sterling) would all have to release a high-value player as a wildcard tonight to bid for the Brazilian.

Peter Crouch and Jay Rodriguez are the other most notable strikers currently without a Kenna club.

League leader ‘Pies released Dimitri Payet ahead of the window, but there are slim pickings in midfield, where Victor Moses looks the most attractive available player.

With only one wildcard permitted, the ‘Pies manager is taking a long hard look at Pedro.

Another Chelsea player, Marcus Alonso, will captivate interest for managers after a defender. Chambers, Ward, Prodl and Rojo lead the ragtag alternatives.

At 20th in the table, the Piss Poor manager is yet to release Adam Johnson.

Fifteen-year-olds, dude.

The available player list and managers’ remaining budget are available from The Rub.

Clubs – players released – remaining budgets

Sleptember XI – none – 32.5

SGTNHT – Terry, Success – 31.5

Burqini – Bill Cosby, Perez – 29.5

Dynamo – Butland, Nolito – 27

Reds – Amat, Shaw, Khazri – 24.5

AJFC – Rodwell, Oscar – 22

ISIL – Iheanacho – 20.5

Leeds – Albrighton – 19

FCT – Boufal – 19

Sporting – no bonus – 17

Bala – Bravo, Ogbonna, Cazorla, Fer – 14

Magpies – Payet – 16

WNS – none – 13.5

JPF – Otamendi, Zouma, Studge, Rooney, Diouf – 11

Young Boys – Bolasie, Pereya, Defour, Diomande – 10

JPC – no bonus – 9.5

Panda – no bonus – 7

Piss – no bonus – 6.5

Scum – no bonus – 4.5

Cowley – no bonus – 4

2G1C – no bonus – 2.5

Monkeys – no bonus – 2

Cheerio – players who moved in January

Thieving Magpies

Payet to France

Young Boys

Patrick van Aanholt from Sunderland to Palace (not Bramble tied)

Dynamo Charlton

Snodgrass from Hull to West Ham (not Bramble tied)

Two Goals One Cup

Ivanovic to Russia

Adam Johnson Fan Club

Oscar to China

Fonte from Southampton to West Ham (not Bramble tied)

Piss Poor

Berahino from West Brom to Stoke (not Bramble tied)

Kenna table week 22

Narcozep Cup playoff results

Sleptember XI 9 – 19 Lokomotiv Leeds
Burqini Pool Party 19 – 14 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table week 23

FANTASY football has been hit by shocking allegations of historic alcohol abuse going back over a decade.

Alcoholic drinks have begun to come forward to tell of their mistreatment at the hands of ‘diabolically drunk and out of control’ Kenna League managers. Victims could run into their thousands.

Throwing off the legal mantle of anonymity, one pint of lager told the media nothing was done to address irresponsible drinking, and in some cases it was actually promoted by ‘senior figures at Kenna HQ’.

“I remember being in the Old Bank of England one night in August 2005,” recalled the pint on daytime television.

“It was Wednesday when usual punters were genteel and enjoyed their drinks at a reasonable pace. We were completely unprepared for what would happen next.”

The pint said eight men entered the bar and crowded around a table to begin ‘drinking at a rather alarming pace’.

“There was ribald laughter and strange references to someone called Tomas Repka,” said the pint. “They were literally tearing through us without a second thought for our flavour or centuries-old Belgian brewing tradition.

“All they cared about was who would sign Frank Lampard. Dozens of us were left feeling used and empty afterwards.”

Emboldened by their actions, which remained unchallenged by witnesses, Kenna managers continued to abuse a multitude of alcoholic drinks with abandon over the next 10 years.

The harrowing experience of a pint of cider at a transfer window night in October 2012 shows just how unchecked the wild behaviour went.

“Oi remember being in the upstairs bar of a south London pub when one of the managers – a loud, braying, unpleasant man who looked like the Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik – shoved a large coin inside me.”

The cider told how all of a sudden another manager – ‘a Kenna committee member’ – tossed the drink back in one.

“No one spoke up about it. There was a culture of silence. It was like a Taboo. Or an Archer’s or a Barcadi Breezer. It wasn’t something people would ever consider talking about. You just had to ‘man up’ and get on with it.”

Fast forward to this summer, and tales of abuse were now intertwined with something far more sinister – trafficking.

A Czech bottle of absinthe who claims to have been abused at the auction this August said: “They make abduction me Prague, input me dark suitcase for long time.

“I very confused and disorientate. They take me dark cellar in London and leave me months.

“Then one day they take me pub. All people drunk but not yet 3pm.”

Continuing in recklessly inappropriate broken English, the absinthe told how it was poured into shot glasses and downed by managers with ‘Godless’ faces who showed no interest in its distilling process or its botanicals.

“No sugar. No spoons. They just tip down me like water. I simple feel shame.”

Confronted with allegations of historic abuse outside Kenna HQ this morning, the league chairman stonewalled the scandal.

“I’ve been at every single auction and transfer window since the Kenna was founded and I have never seen anyone so much as touch a drop of alcohol. We’re a responsible fantasy football league.

“We’ve always organised league activity in public places for the convenience of managers. If they were pubs I’m the last to know about it. I think some of the venues had bars, I really can’t recall.” said the man in charge of the self-proclaimed ‘world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league’.

“I can tell you now these allegations being reported are categorically untrue. There’s no way the Kenna League would encourage such abominable activity as punishment shots for breaking auction rules, all-day drinking sessions, all-night drinking sessions, pub crawls or champagne binges during a heatwave.

“Of course, we will be commissioning an independent inquiry to find out where these stories are coming from. That is if this intense media scrutiny doesn’t blow over in a few days.”

Eric Bristow was unavailable for comment.

Kenna table week 13

Full scores are available from The Rub.

Narcozep group stage – after three rounds