Weekly updates – Page 13 – The Jeff Kenna League

#NotMyChairman

PROTESTS have erupted all over London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league after growing discontent with its leadership boiled over.

Under the hashtag #NotMyChairman and burning blazers in a mark of dissent, managers in the Kenna League are trying to oust the chairman, claiming the need to ‘Make The Kenna Great Again’.

“He’s out of touch. It used to be you got a weekly update which was witty and relevant. Now it’s just whatever chaff comes into his head too long after the event,” said the Lokomotiv Leeds manager at a demonstration outside the club’s Bellend Road stadium.

“There’s been no news on group fixtures for the Narcozep Cup. I’m 17th in the league and I still have convicted paedophile Adam Johnson in my midfield. I need a decent cup run,” said the Piss Poor manager from the rolled down passenger window of a Range Rover parked behind a Chinese restaurant.

“He hasn’t even updated the teams after the October transfer window. If Duncan Watmore or Sofiane Boufal gets an assist I’m looking at the Kenna site, I haven’t got a clue who’s signed them. I’m in a mid-table dogfight, for crying out loud,” chanted the Burqini Pool Party manager before assuring Dubai police his protest was nothing to do with UAE authorities.

“Last week the chairman posted a report about looking for dick in the Polish forest. That really isn’t my kind of thing. I’m a classy guy,” said the manager of Two Goals One Cup.

Factions in the Kenna HQ boardroom were quick to use the unrest to intensify an ongoing power struggle for the top job.

“The chairman has been in charge for too long,” said the Young Boys manager, who is also league vice-chairman.

“Times were any murmurs from managers were quickly put down by a wet team from the league’s fearsome manager experiences department. But these days the chairman is losing his grip.

“The Kenna HQ Fritzl Suite once struck terror into the hearts of any manager. Now the chairman’s using it to make homemade quince vodka.

“Quince! I ask you! The time to strike is now!”

Breaking news from the Kenna HQ Fritzl Suite: the quince vodka batches now have names #KennaPigwa #Pigwa pic.twitter.com/KTi7i1lTg2

— Stix (@jeffkennaleague) November 14, 2016

Kenna table week 11

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The ‘dzik’ of it

ASTERIX is to blame for my fascination with hunting wild boar.

But with neither the resources nor connections, converting the Gaul’s exploits remained a daydream since childhood. Until I married a Pole.

It turns out my wife’s cousins in northern Poland are big hunters, so while visiting on the weekend I was invited along as an observer in their search for wild boar, or ‘dzik’ (pronounced ‘jeek’ in English).

Joining the party at 7am, the guns and beaters lined up to go through formalities, draw cards from a hat to decide where they would stand for each drive and be serenaded by a hunting horn.

The first couple of drives were dry, but the weather was bright and the lack of prey was small concern to anyone being fed shots of Jagermeister in the back of an Opel Frontera.

Then on the last drive before lunch standing on a track with cousin we heard a rustling ahead in the brush. All of a sudden five ‘dzik’ scurried into view 30 yards to our right. Dark, wet, hairy and not quite fast enough.

A quarter of an hour and much excitement later the whole party was standing around a wild boar being gutted. A fir branch placed in its mouth. Its blood ritually smeared on cousin’s forehead.

After an appropriate repast of ‘dzik’ and cabbage stew the second half of the day was more lively. Cries of ‘dzik! dzik!’ from beaters far off in the undergrowth. More scurrying swine. A short ceremony to celebrate the day’s victories.

Then the real drinking started.

Anyone who has played a drinking game called Centurions will be familiar with the format of a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. It felt like we were playing that with vodka.

Having polished off two bottles between six people we went to drop off the day’s haul in the town cold room.

The time it took to hang the meat was ample to see off another bottle.

Things get hazy after that.

Kenna table week 10

ISIL manager swaps blunder for plunder

WORRIED Kenna managers are expressing disbelief over the continued dominance of Islington Sports Islam & Leisure in the league this season.

Eight weeks in and the ISIL boss maintains a healthy gap over the chasing pack, set to claim his third Manager of the Month award in a row.

Head-scratching opponents are at a loss as to how to catch a side with in-form Diego Costa (£27m), Laurent Koscielny (£16m), Nathan Redmond (£13m) and Kelechi Iheanacho (£7m).

They are even more perplexed the ISIL manager is yet to muff it up.

“It’s an utter mystery,” said every Kenna League manager who’s ever met the Somali in the competitive fantasy football arena. “I thought in the first couple of weeks he was just jammy and he would soon slip up, but ISIL are still top.

“At the transfer window this month he made no changes. No changes! He was on pints of haram too. This is most unprecedented.”

Stories of the Somali’s auction and transfer window gaffes are in abundance.

His shock resignation halfway through the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction after Brambling three times in a row remains one of the lowest points of gentlemanly conduct since the Kenna was established in 2005.

In February last year, the Somali’s transfer window tactics were so wild he ended the night with two disgraced Rotherham councillors in his ranks.

In a press conference this morning at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the ISIL manager lifted the lid on his approach.

“Dominance in ye Kenna be like dominance in ye Levant or dominance in ye Indian Ocean. It be about extremism, plunder and not letting ye parents find out you’ve eaten pork scratchings during Ramadan.”

Kenna table week 9

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‘League K’ – the local authority’s part in its downfall

HARINGEY Council is facing fresh allegations of endemic social care failings this week after details emerged of a severely neglected fantasy football league in the London borough.

The fantasy football league – known for legal reasons as ‘League K’ – was found locked in a cellar at an address in North London.

League K had not been updated for more than two weeks, was hungry, dehydrated and showed signs of physical abuse.

Haringey police and social workers are still trying to track down the man they believe responsible, known only as ‘the chairman’.

Rumours abound of the chairman’s reckless, alcohol-fuelled lifestyle. He was last seen at the League K transfer window two weeks ago.

Sources inside the local authority suggest League K’s recent neglect was due to the chairman become involved with another drunken fantasy football league.

One League K manager, who wished to remain anonymous, said: “We saw the chairman forcing people to drink chilli liquor at the transfer window a couple of weeks of ago, but he’s been a phantom since.

“There’s been no post-transfer window report, no league updates and no cup fixtures posted. I don’t know who anyone else signed, I don’t know where my team is in the table and I don’t know who I’m facing in the cup.

“This must be due to systemic failure on behalf of the local authority.”

Grainy footage of ‘the chairman’s’ last public appearance

LIVE on #Periscope: Kenna transfer window #fantasyfootball https://t.co/xBgMNuE9w0

— Stix (@jeffkennaleague) October 7, 2016

Kenna table week 8

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna manager ‘work shy like junior doctors’

A KENNA League manager stands accused of ‘being a bigger job dodger than a junior doctor’ after failing to release players ahead of tomorrow’s first transfer window.

Judean Peoples’ Front was one of six clubs not to submit transfer requests to Kenna HQ this week.

“At 10th in the league you’d think the JPF boss would want to do business but he’s obviously been hanging around a junior doctor so long the lack of work ethic has caught on,” said the chairman in reference to the Welsh manager’s spouse.

“He’s probably outside where he’s supposed to be working making an awful din while his chances of a maiden Kenna title die choking on their own blood in the operating room surrounded by shrugging hospital porters.”

Under league rules, the JPF manager can make one wildcard release during tomorrow night’s auction.

Nine managers collected the £10m transfer bonus by sending their released players by post to Kenna HQ this week. A further six got £5m each for emailing them.

With £26.5m Burqini Pool Party head into tomorrow night’s window with the second biggest chest, no doubt covered by a controversial combination of lycra and religion.

An available player list will be emailed to managers ahead of the window.

The central London transfer night venue is yet to be decided.

Released players, remaining budgets

Sleptember XI =32.5
Burqini Pool Party – Pied, Darmian +10+16.5=26.5
Tactical Brambler – Stuart Hall, Cathcart, Hojbjerg +10+13.5=23.5
The treasurer – Mignolet, Mark Bridger, Bojan +10+13=23
The chairman – Funes Mori, Adomah, Enner Valencia +10+12=22
Cowley Casuals – Mannone, Mertesacker, Flannagan, Remy +10+9.5(ave)=19.5
Wandsworth Network Solutions – Rahman, Wollschied, Sakho +10+9.5(ave)=19.5
Young Boys – Baines, Routledge, Jimmy Savile, Rhodes +5+14=19
Dynamo Charlton – Yoshida, Masauku, Deulofeu +10+8.5=18.5
So Good They Named Him Twice – Moreno, Downing +10+8=18
Sporting Lesbian =17
Walthamstow Reds – Chilwell, Ake, Gabriel, Brunt, Nasri, Affelay +5+9.5(ave)=14.5
Pikey Scum – Ayala, Depay, Feghouli, Okazaki +5+9.5(ave)=14.5
Lokomotiv Leeds – Long, Borini +5+8=13
Two Goals One Cup – Hart, Neil Taylor, Janssen, Lanzini, Wickham +10+2.5=12.5
ISIL – none +10+0.5=10.5
Just Put Carles =9.5
Thieving Magpies – Vorm +5+4=9
Team Panda – Gomis +5+2.5=7.5
Piss Poor =6.5
Northern Monkeys =2
Judean Peoples’ Front =1

Kenna table week 7 – 4 October 2016

Jack of two clubs

BLAZERS at Kenna HQ have come under fire once again after it emerged Jack Wilshere spent the first five weeks of the season appearing for two separate clubs.

The injury-prone midfielder was turning out for Northern Monkeys and Pikey Scum until someone pointed it out a few days ago.

At once reporters gathered outside the midfielder’s home to find out how he managed his commute.

“I can barely keep fit playin’ 10 fackin’ minutes for one club, and naow I’m playin’ for fackin’ two. I’m gettin’ ‘ome late. I’m missin’ Eastenders. It’s a fackin’ nightmare,” said Wilshere through his rolled down car window.

Kenna HQ immediately decreed whichever club collected most points this week would get the choice of keeping Wilshere. Monkeys outscored Scum by five points.

Given an option of another Bournemouth midfielder, the Scum manager picked Junior Stanislas.

Wilshere, who once claimed less than a fifth of Kenna managers were English, was a little displeased when questioned over the situation again this morning.

“The fackin’ norf? The fackin’ norf? Surraounded by those flat cap, whippet, braown ale cants? You’re ‘avin’ a Steffi fackin’ Graff, aren’t ya?” he said.

“An’ they got all that fackin’ frackin’. I seen it on the nooz.”

In another uncomfortable turn of events, if Islington Sports Islam & Leisure maintain their top of the table form for another week, the Pirate will win an unprecedented two manager of the months in a row.

Kenna table week 6

Full scores are available from The Rub.

Pog? Ba!

MIND games are already underway in the Kenna League this season after a rival manager said Northern Monkeys would perform better with a pog in midfield rather than Paul Pogba.

The Pikey Scum manager made the early-to-mid-1990s-children’s-game reference in relation to Nacer Chadli.

The Belgian (18 points) – on his Scum debut this week – scored three times the Frenchman’s season total.

“He may as well get on ebay and buy some real pogs, because after all the hype his midfielder is playing like a cardboard cutout,” quipped the Scum boss outside the club’s South Hackney Caravan Park stadium earlier today.

At £23m, Pogba is Northern Monkeys’ joint most expensive player with Deli Alli.

While the young Englishman has started the season positively (19), only he and Wes Morgan (21) have clocked up more points this season than Chadli did this week.

It gets worse for Monkeys who struggle in 16th place. Between them Pogba, Jack Wilshere (4), Viktor Fischer (4), Andy Carroll (2), Baston (1) and Boaz Myhill (0) have a combined season total one point less than Chadli.

“Haddaway man, it’s nee gan canny now like, pet. I divvin’ show me face walkin’ doon Shields Rurd at neet,” said the Northern Monkeys manager in a press conference at the club’s The Outhouse training facility.

“There’s a geet walla challenge now. Tryna get summit oot o’ this lot is like hoyin’ a woodbine doon Northumberland Street, man.”

The World Pog Federation declined to comment.

Kenna table – week 5

Full scores available from The Rub.

His Grindr guys

THE Kenna League has been drawn into the Keith Vaz rent boy scandal after the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager was found pimping out his team to the disgraced MP.

The defending Kenna champion was caught in a tabloid sting renting out his Southeast European Young Boy Aleksander Kolarov to Vaz.

A muffled recording exposed a conversation in which the Kenna manager tried to get the MP to rent out more of his side.

“I’ve got a French Young Boy, Mexican Young Boy, Ecuadorian Young Boy, Dutch Young Boy and Congolese Young Boy, and I can get poppers and coke,” the manager is heard boasting of Hugo Lloris, Cesar Azpilicueta, Antonio Valencia, Patrick van Aanholt and Yannick Bolasie.

“Let’s get this party started,” replies Vaz.

In a statement to press, Keith Vaz apologised for wronging his family and bringing British politics into disrepute, but dismissed rumours linking him to 2006/07 Kenna side Vazmanian Devils.

“I think you’ll find the Devils were named after their Portuguese striker Ricardo Vaz Te, whereas I’m Keith Vaz.

“There’s no connection between me and a side that finished bottom of the world’s leading London-pub based fantasy football league. That’s not the kind of bottom with which I want to be associated,” said the Labour MP.

Kenna table – week 4

Burkinis v budgie smugglers

Small-town officials from the French Riviera are protesting outside Kenna HQ in a bid to get title hopefuls Burkini Pool Party removed from the competition.

More than 20 French mayors in Speedos have created a fake beach outside Jeff House and are playing petanque and the pointless bat and ball game until the Kenna League team is disqualified or has their name changed to Budgie Smuggler Pool Party.

“Every contour of the testicles or camel toe should be observed at all times either at the beach or by the pool. These Burkinis are unhygienic and morally inappropriate,” raged the mayor of Cannes David Lisnard as parents passing by shielded their children’s eyes from the sight of his skimpy swimwear.

The debate was sparked when a Burkini Pool Party pre-season friendly against Nice earlier this month was interrupted by armed French police.

Surrounded, the BPP first eleven were forced to strip to their underwear at gunpoint.

Back in England for the start of the football season the issue was thought to be forgotten, until an angry mob of 300 French people marched on the side’s Deep End training facility.

Chants of ‘Vive le budgie!’ and ‘Hell, no, we want toe!’ were only silenced when the police deployed tear gas.

This week’s protest looks set to continue for the foreseeable future. Police threats to send in water canon only heightened fears more French people in tiny trunks would join the demonstration.

Interviewed outside the club’s Koran Koran stadium today, the Burqini Pool Party manager was puzzling over pedantry.

“Personally, I don’t see why the Kenna is spelling Burqini Pool Party with a ‘q’ rather than a ‘k’ like everyone else.”

The manager, who was relegated at the helm of Hairy Fadjeetas last season, is hoping to improve on his string of mid-to-lower-table finishes.

The side are in 12th position going into the international break.

Kenna table – week 3

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table - 30 August 2016 - week 3 — Kenna table – 30 August 2016 – week 3

Zapisz

Pirate in unchartered waters

ISLINGTON Sports Islam & Leisure are riding the crest of a wave having gone top of the Kenna League in the second week of the season.

Goals from Diego Costa and Gareth McAuley, and clean sheets from four of the side’s back five see ISIL two points above the nearest challengers.

Should the Pirates carry their form into this weekend the boss could collect the campaign’s first manager of the month award, but there are fears this is virgin territory for a team more used to the relegation zone.

“Yarrrrr! This be where I be at my finest,” reassured the Somali during this afternoon’s press conference at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

“The hands of Neptune stroking my hull, my vessel getting battered all over, a sea monster with the fire of hell in its eyes: I survived Tinder dates worse then ye could ever countenance. The Kenna be a duck pond compared.

“I be going by the seat of me pants and riding out the storm as I do usual,” he said, drawing concerned looks from the club’s executive hierarchy.

Two-times league winners FC Testiculadew are close in second despite having Titus Bramble forfeit player – and convicted paedophile – Stuart Hall in midfield.

Asked how his side remained so competitive with 10 men, the manager’s response was absolute.

“We have Zlatan.”

Kenna table – week 2

Full scores available from The Rub.