THE first man to visit a pub for every tube station in London has recognised the Kenna League chairman for ‘providing wisdom and élan at crucial moments of the crawl’, according to the Kenna League chairman.
Sam Cullen completed the three-year odyssey of 270 London Underground stations last week, in the order they opened.
“I’m not one to brag,” said the chairman, micromanaging a Kenna HQ lackey hang a framed print off of the blog post on the wall of his executive office. “But I can say I’ve been instrumental in Sam’s journey, providing wisdom and élan at crucial moments of the crawl.”
Critics of the chairman, and there are many, claim he is trying to bask in the reflected glory of Cullen’s feat. They say the only advice he gave was to spam tweet links to his own meagre London pub crawl posts in an attempt to drive traffic to the site.
The chairman denied he was overplaying his role: “This is about pubs, not search engine optimisation, pubs, pub crawl, beer, bar, boozer, tavern, ale, saloon, inn, kenna, jeff kenna, fantasy football, premier league.
“And that’s all I have to say on the matter, underground, tube, transport, train, london, capital, big smoke, west end, east end, Mary Poppins.”
Cullen’s achievement drew a slew of media coverage, which included his own recommendations of London pubs based on his experience.
The doors may not have been unlocked until 10 minutes after the advertised opening time, but Kenna managers were undeterred in their drinking session to watch the north London derby.
The manager of league leaders Young Boys arrived first in Stoke Newington.
The Welshman bought a Guinness, got a good table and by the time the Kenna chairman arrived was set up perfectly to gloat about his side’s dominance this season.
Sitting down with a pint of Staropramen, the chairman was then subjected to a lengthy complaint about the Young Boys’exit from the Narcozep Cup that week at the hands of league runners up Walthamstow Reds.
Reservations about holding the tie during a Rumbelows Cup final week were swept aside. Young Boys’ form has been so pitiful of late, the chairman asserted, it’s only their massive lead which has spared them losing the top league spot to Reds as well as a place in the Narcozep Cup semis.
Events in Bruce Grove were already well underway when the ISIL manager entered the pub.
Lately the Pirate has taken to turning up for beers in jogging tights and ordering OJ. This worrying trend continued on Saturday.
It was then the turn of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager to enter the arena. He looked wearier than his side’s chances of finishing outside the bottom half of the Kenna this season.
The JPF boss had still been up for dawn patrol earlier in the day, but within minutes of arriving he had smoked two cigarettes and had a handled glass of bitter in his hand. That’s the sort of form to see managers invited back to the Kenna again and again regardless of events on the pitch.
Punters red, white and neutral had filled the Coach and Horses by now, and the north London derby produced its usual fireworks.
By the time the match had finished, Kenna managers were a few pints in and the casual drinking rumbled on through Soccer Saturday and onto the final whistle of the evening fixture between Watford and Leicester City.
Whoever devised Saturday league football scheduling either must or should have shares in Staropramen.
People inside and outside the Kenna League may find that hard to believe.
I run a fantasy football league to all appearances with the sole purpose of organising as many all-day drinking sessions in as many different London pubs as possible.
Outside the Kenna I regularly kneel at the altar of licenced premises. Some would say too regularly.
But for some reason I’ve never happened upon the promised land of a big room full of lots of different beers and likeminded souls. Like an itinerant Fifteenth Century monk visiting churches, monasteries and other holy places throughout Christendom without once thinking to go to the Vatican.
So it was with a little trepidation I went to Craft Beer Rising in the old Truman Brewery last Friday night. Having lived in Brick Lane for almost half the noughties, the venue and area were well known. But what goes on at a beer festival was based on barely-remembered, badly-told, second-hand accounts from friends.
Before I go on I should admit bitter disagrees with me. That’s a pretty big obstacle to going to beer festivals, I suppose. Lager, cider and IPA? Can’t get enough of them, but traditional English ale is a nonstarter.
So as a committed lager drinker, I must assert – ahead of a description of Craft Beer Rising – that for too long the British tippler has been enslaved by the evil of big breweries limiting options to Kronenbourg, Stella Artois, Carlesberg, Fosters and other poor excuses for enduring session pints. To the part-time palette and Paul Calf they may be acceptable, but to me they’re all on a par with Skol.
A few years ago Peroni came along and brightened bars for a while, or at least until a visit to Craven Cottage. After the match I tasted a watered-down version at The Temperance on Fulham Palace Road.
Peroni ruined, Veltins stepped up. This is a pilsner one can drink and drink and drink, but sadly it’s only available in a finite number of boozers I know, none of them convenient to home or work.
Then three years ago I started working in Holborn, and there, beneath the faux Romanesque pillars of Sicilian Avenue, I found The Whippet. And Lagunitas.
In truth, Lagunitas IPA is a little too strong to knock back in large amounts, but Lagunitas Daytime is, and by thunder it’s good. They both are.
For £15 then, a room with Lagunitas IPA, Daytime and 598 other beers made with the same care and consideration for the consumer could only be a good thing.
After work on Friday, and the customary weekly après in The Skinny Dog, two colleagues, the ISIL manager and I went to E1.
Entering the sell-out event we were issued with a glass and ascended some stairs. We entered a huge room full of cheerful people and an overwhelming amount of beer.
Like the barefoot, medieval pilgrim entering St Peter’s Basilica for the first time, I was filled with wondrous awe and reverence, but also the sneaking suspicion such excess should inevitably lead the to the utter corruption of the weaker man’s soul.
Struggling to maintain composure in front of my drinking companions, we approached the first stand. It was only after I had tried and bought a third of a pint of Williams Double Joker IPA I realised it was 8.3 per cent. Well-laid plans had already come unstuck, but it tasted good enough to make the Pope blaspheme.
Next we tried Bru. An Irishman with the most marvellous whiskers explained their mission to replace Guinness as the stout of choice. This was the cleanest tasting beer I’ve tried since visiting the hometown of the Żywiec brewery in the Polish mountains a couple of years ago. I hope Bru can repeat their Nottingham feat in London and break the St James’s Gate monopoly.
The evening passed in a jovial blur, and in between all the beer and the chat there was an observation among the demographic of the event that requires deeper inquiry.
Predominance among the people was not the tubby, ageing, male pedants associated with real ale campaigns, Morris dancing and celebratory pub scenes at the end of Time Team episodes. There were certainly plenty of blokes, but there was also a sizeable minority of women. And they were really enjoying themselves.
In fact, they were enjoying themselves so much that as the night wore on – more drinks, going for cigarettes, throwing a few woefully-executed shapes in the cider hall – it dawned on me this event was an absolute meat market.
As a taken man I was keen to repel any slurred advances, but unfortunately the ISIL manager had his own predictable agenda and I was forced into the role of reluctant wingman. I’m proud to say my marriage vows remain intact.
What also remains secure is my conversion to the way of the beer festival. Even without the Ballet of Chestnuts unfolding before me, this was a superb event and a must for anyone revelling in the Renaissance of lager.
And anyway I have to go back. In five hours we didn’t even get halfway round.
ISLINGTON Sports Islam & Leisure may have saved their season from certain relegation after it was revealed they had been playing most of the season with the wrong goalkeeper.
Negative publicity ISIL attracted last week after the manager appeared to be having yet another car crash campaign shone a light on an error in side’s starting eleven.
The club’s Somali manager spotted Michel Vorm was still in goal despite being released at the October transfer window in favour of Heurelho Gomes.
Reunited with ‘The Octopus’, ISIL’s points tally was backfilled by the boffins in charts and graphs, which raised the team from bottom of the Kenna League to lower mid table.
“Yarrrrrr! From the second I see ye Vorm in me crew I thinks to meself it be a landlubbin’ name, and being a seafarin’ vessel we sure to have ye Octopus! Yarrrrrrrr!” said the Somali, having somehow overlooked – at every single practice session at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility for the last 18 weeks – there was a Dutchman in goal rather than a Brazilian.
ISIL were not the only side score badly this week. It was a low-scoring affair in the title race too, but Young Boys managed to extend their lead at the top of the table with a brace from new signing Emmanuel Emenike.
In response, chasers Walthamstow Reds scraped together just two points with an Aaron Cresswell start.
Heading into this weekend’s Narcozep Cup quarter final tie, the Young Boys manager will need to be just as convincing to overturn a considerable first leg deficit.
Narcozep Cup – quarter final first leg results (from last week)
Pikey Scum 29 – 10 Uncertain
Young Boys 26 – 54 Walthamstow Reds
Dynamo Charlton 43 – 33 Northern Monkeys
Lokomotiv Leeds 26 – 33 Thieving Magpies
FOOTBALLER Adam Johnson pleaded guilty to charges of grooming and sexual activity with a child last week.
Since then the prosecution’s case has centred around an encounter between Johnson and a 15-year-old girl behind a Chinese takeaway in County Durham.
With all the allegations of where hands were placed, what act was performed and other inappropriate liaisons, wouldn’t it be unfortunate if the Chinese takeaway in question shared a name with one of these fast food establishments?
Adam Johnson gamble unbuttons Kenna League survival hopes
THE Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager has admitted his gamble on Adam Johnson in the transfer window could derail the club’s chances of Kenna League survival this season.
ISIL are rooted to the foot of the Kenna League and the transfer window was seen as the manager’s last chance to tilt for safety.
“Yarrrrrr! Ye Johnson lad be gettin’ plenty o’ assists afore spillin’ ‘is guts to the law ‘ee be friggin’ in unweathered riggin'” yo-ho-hoed the Kenna’s only Somali manager.
“‘Tis skullduggery an’ no mistake, getting yer cutlass between yer teeth wi’ a lass wi’ less years than me cabin boy, but truth be told ‘is signed shirts be sellin’ very smartly. Yarrrrrrrr!” added the manager, scanning the gates of the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility for eager, young autograph hunters.
Under Kenna League regulations, Johnson will stay with ISIL until the end of the season. The club is rumoured to have changed the passwords to its social media accounts.
The campaign has been yet another unmitigated disaster for the Somali manager, who looks set to lead a side to relegation for the third successive season.
He went on to manage Hoxton Pirates the following season, only to guide them to a bottom-of-the-league finish 10 months later.
Going into the stats a little deeper, since winning the Canesten Combi Cup in May 2013, the Somali has spent 85 of 109 weeks of league play in the relegation zone, or as the manager ruefully admitted at this morning’s press conference “78 per cent o’ me hours in Davy Jones’ locker”.
THE Green Man is a fabulous cider pub just a short walk from Oxford Circus.
On Friday evening it was peopled mainly by local office workers, with tourists cheerfully beyond the ken of the pub’s tucked-away location.
Many tipplers were huddled smoking outside on the pavement, despite the inclement February weather of Storm Frank, Godfrey, Henrietta, Ivanhoe or whatever the Met Office have begun overzealously renaming the same kind of wind and rain each week.
Inside the bar faces the front door and large windows. A high ceiling provides patrons with plenty of headroom to enjoy the multitude of beers and ciders. The Veltins and the Thatchers Old Rascal were delightful.
For a Kenna transfer window it was cramped. Managerial grumbles were heard of the pub’s unsuitable aspect on more than several occasions.
Against this dissent the show went on, as the league packed around a high corner table to make themselves heard over the din of ad agency creatives who regularly take deliveries on late Friday afternoons.
Business was conducted swiftly and with the minimum of fuss. In fact, it was so Bramble free an emergency meeting was convened immediately afterwards between the chairman, vice chairman and whoever else happened to be waiting for bar service nearby at the time.
The chairman summed up Kenna HQ’s dilemma at a press conference this morning.
“The simple fact is: managers aren’t drinking enough,” he said upon showing a deadly Periscope video replay of a bunch of managers crowded around a small table full of pint glasses carefully studying lists of available players.
“We need to introduce some sort of spirits imbibing system into league meetings. No one’s Brambling, no one’s resigning in anger halfway through auctions and no one’s almost coming to blows over whether a contravention of made-up, fantasy-football-league regulation minutiae constitutes a breach of gentlemanly conduct,” said the chairman in reference to the acrimonious 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction.
“Four years ago we had a shot of tequila midway through the Euros auction and look what happened. When it comes to the [2016 Jean-Alain] Boumsong auction in June managers should prepare themselves for carnage.”
An increase in entry fees to cover rounds of moody top-shelf spirits is among rumours to be on the drawing board.
The chairman was heard to say after the press conference that plans a manager would drink a shot for every player bought would ‘be the next vanishing spray’.
KENNA managers were set the task of releasing players for tomorrow’s second transfer window in the form a death threat to the chairman.
Just fewer than half the league responded to the challenge, with varying degrees of creativity and menace.
No one went so far as to nail the cat to the door of Kenna HQ or send a funeral wreath, which for any fantasy football league chairman is always a bonus.
The top five death threats are below, as well as this week’s table (not including Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s games).
For the first time, the transfer window will be broadcast live from The Green Man on the borders of Fitzrovia and Marylebone using Periscope. Absent managers can bid at https://www.periscope.tv/jeffkennaleague.
Regardless of whether they’ve released players or not, Kenna managers can still play one wildcard when the window is open between 7pm and 10pm tomorrow night.
A full list of available players and managers’ remaining budgets will be published at Friday lunchtime.
The Lokomotiv Leeds manager was the first to admit this was less of a death threat and more a reminder even the chairman’s side could come unstuck by scandal. However, still very amusing although there’s a greater threat Funky Pigeon has reported the LL boss to the authorities.
One of many classic lines from that Alan Partridge sex swap episode. The release graphic was a highlight, but the close is far too polite, softening the sinister connotations of the kiss at the end.
The Reds boss has gone to the trouble of creating an innovative word puzzle death threat which contains an actual threat on the chairman’s life, while simultaneously appealing to his penchant for crosswords. Marks taken off for using a space for a hyphen. Not great crossword etiquette.
A jump in death threat class to a message with proper intent and intimidation. It’s a blurry image, but it doesn’t take much imagination to decipher the Anders Breivik lookalike’s promise to rain down judgement not just on the chairman but the whole league. He also takes time to single out the Young Boys manager, a definite plus. The coffee ring shows this has been on display at Kenna HQ all week.
Personal and chilling. The Young Boys manager has taken time to rifle through the chairman’s social media profiles to dig out the aftermath of Cambodian tuk tuk misadventure. Insinuates the YB boss was somehow behind the 2007 road traffic accident while threatening further harm. Inside is a clear threat to take over the league.
NEXT Friday heralds the Kenna League’s second and last transfer window of the season.
A typically scratchy affair, without a host of available players, a handful of footballers will command eye-watering sums of Kenna club war chests for showing even the briefest hint of form.
Here are eight of the most likely candidates.
1. Charlie Austin, Southampton striker
Despite rumours he spends more time in pubs than the Kenna chairman, Austin has not only managed to get into league but also scored a goal on the weekend. Albeit completely unmarked against an opposition defence struggling for form and consistency, bids will be readied from all corners of the Kenna management. Except, that is, for the Walthamstow Reds boss, who bought Austin on the basis of tittle tattle in August only to release him again at the October window when a move didn’t materialise. Kenna regulations prevent the Reds manager buying back Austin this season, so he’ll be a spectator while others court the striker.
2. Jermian Defoe, Sunderland striker
Given the choice of releasing Defoe for the promise of Anthony Martial in early October, many would have followed the path of the cash-rich Dynamo Charlton manager. Sadly for the south London outfit the Frenchman’s form has evaporated while Kenna veteran Defoe has scored five goals in the last five games.
3. Delle Ali, Tottenham midfielder
A sumptuous strike on the Saturday, and week-in-week-out appearances of guile and creativity would make one think this midfielder was a household name. Ali’s now scored more points this season than Eric Lamela, Nacer Chadli and Moussa Dembele. Will Tottenham midfielders flood the market to make way next Friday?
4. Adam Johnson, Sunderland midfielder
Eager to disassociate himself from the consequences of inappropriately touching a schoolgirl, the Wandsworth Network Solutions manager handed Adam Johnson his P45 at the October window to the sound of terrace speculation about the nature and geography of his alleged offences. Since then the winger has gone on provide nine assists and occupy a central midfield creative role. Are any Kenna managers desperate enough to sign Johnson just five days before his appointed trial date? Yes. Yes, they are.
5. Claude Makalele
Of course, the diminutive Frenchman no longer patrols the outskirts of Kenna auctions, but his patented role certainly does. The likes of Southampton’s Steven Davis, Sunderland’s Yann M’Vila, Norwich’s Jonny Howson and Aston Villa’s Idrissa Gueye don’t create many chances, let alone score, but they have all made at least 20 full appearances this season. While not appealing to the hope of flair on a balmy August afternoon, on a cold night February these players are the chance to fill those non-scoring gaps a manager’s midfield.
6. Wes Morgan
A defender and club captain who has started almost every game and whose side are top of the Premier League. A Kenna manager must have snaffled Morgan already.
7. Enner Valencia
This compact Ecuadorian burst into Kenna consciousness in the 2014 Emerson World Cup with his explosive and direct displays for his country. He was having a stop-start sort of season but has come alive to score four goals in the last two games. Anyone in the Young Boys manager’s technical area would surely be considering the release of Diafra Sakho to make way.
8. Andros Townsend
No, not really. This is just in here as a joke. The last time someone signed ‘Dros’ Townsend in the February window they forfeit a debut Kenna League title. Literally.
“They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but it’s much better served with 13 points from Robert Huth and a Bramble player in your midfield,” scoffed the Uncertain manager, in a reference to Thai video star Tom Hopper.
The result was Uncertain’s third ‘squeaky bum time’ win of the group stage, with two other victories by just a point – Headless Chickens 18-17 and FC Testiculadew 20-19.
A whooping by Walthamstow Reds in the other game sees Uncertain progress with a -15 goal difference, the lowest of the quarter finalists.
The side will play Pikey Scum in the first round of the Narcozep knockout stage. Legs will be held on 16 February and 1 March.
First leg – 16 February 2016
Pikey Scum v Uncertain
Young Boys v Walthamstow Reds
Dynamo Charlton v Northern Monkeys
Lokomotiv Leeds v Thieving Magpies
Second leg – 1 March 2016
Uncertain v Pikey Scum
Walthamstow Reds v Young Boys
Northern Monkeys v Dynamo Charlton
Thieving Magpies v Lokomotiv Leeds
MASS murderer lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s court case against the Kenna League over his mid-table conditions, which he likens to torture, will take place in mid table, a court has ruled.
The Anders Breivik doppleganger, which was first called in April 2012, regularly dons tweed and a Tyrolean hat to kill pheasants in shooting assaults because he is opposed to their multiculturalism.
He has complained repeatedly about being mid table, which he argues is a violation of his human rights, especially since he has the in-form duo of Ross Barkley and Toby Alderweireld in his side.
Kenna HQ had proposed holding the trial in mid table, and the Breivik lookalike’s lawyer agreed to the idea.
“Practical considerations justify that the case be heard between sixth and tenth league positions, where Judean Peoples’ Front have spent the last 17 weeks,” the Kenna HQ ruled on Monday.
The mid-table conditions could be more closely studied on site, it added.
Despite Julian Speroni not making a single appearance, and disappointing performances from Santi Cazorla, Ander Herrera, Papiss Cisse and Jay Rodriguez, the manager failed to attend October’s transfer window to make new signings.
In a report published in November, chalk stripes in the Kenna speculations department said the Breivik ringer’s consistent grumbling while failing to engage in league activities made him “look less like a mass murderer and more like a massive twat”.
Narcozep Cup – results
Carles 24 – 29 Hairy Fadjeetas
Young Boys 22 – 17 Real Threat
Uncertain 20 – 19 FC Tescticuladew
Newington Reds 33 – 31 KS West Green
Dynamo Charlton 33 – 15 Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv Leeds 29 – 15 ISIL
Cowley Casuals 15 – 25 Wandsworth Network Solutions
Judean People’s Front 15 – 22 Thieving Magpies
